Innocent Blessed Sinner (Story)

Results (cont.)

Back home I opened my slip.

Sigh.

Sigh.

No Adelyn.

Sigh.

Ok la. Rach’s alright. I don’t dislike her or anything. She’s the least closest I am with in our subgroup. But still she’s nice to me.

Wonder who Lyn got..

Covert Ops Sarah Intel Briefing Room

I read the chat, though didn’t reply

S

(Group Text): “guys guys, come come results!”

Sarah - ABC

Jeremy - DEF

GHI - JKL

X - Rachel

MNO - PQR

-more results-

-more results-

S

(Group Text): “but then hor..”

Something was amiss. There was no on Shawn or Adelyn.

“Sis Sarah, your radars faulty already ah” member ABC replied

S

(Group Text): “No la. Something is up. It’s not that I can’t get the results.

Is that, there are NO results for Shawn and Lyn”

Boiling Point

My brain didn’t process those two words one bit

I didn’t know what, nor where to even begin to be pissed at.

Sarah didn’t reply

Hot tears were warming up my face that cold night. Angry, bitter tears.

So, this is god’s punishment? I failed to bring in more souls into his kingdom

Now I’m not worthy of Adelyn.

I felt suffocated, crushed. Nowhere to go.

For the last time, I stared into night sky,

“god, please make it stop. why haven’t you heard my prayers? Where are you?!

I’m not asking you to give me Adelyn. JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP.”

The night sky stared back at me in cold, dark silence. For the first time, I felt, perhaps he didn’t hear my prayers.

Or maybe I’m too low ranking for my prayers to matter.

ENOUGH.

I made up my mind, or should I say, my mind made up itself, to dig out my heart & go cold turkey on Adelyn.

Losing control, here begins my slacking as a ‘role model member’. A definite path to my ‘downward fall’

Making a Sinner

Seeing Matthew introduced at the next group meeting was quite an experience. It gave me feelings I never knew were out there.

Like a new concoction of a coffee blend. New bubble tea flavor on the menu. A designer cake with complex layers.

A sophisticated mix of confusion, guilt, sadness, pain & hopelessness nicely topped with brewing anger & resentment.

Just to make it clear, he wasn’t introduced outright as Adelyn’s BF. Although wasn’t explicitly stated they weren’t either.

He was “Just a core member from another group that would fit nicely to the dynamics of our group & would help in bringing our group to the next level”

Convieniently, it was also explained away as part of re-structuring & churchwide inter-group bonding ‘opportunities’

With the huge void Adelyn left, I didn’t know where to go.

Felt I had to get away from church people for a while

Still attended church, of course*. But it was..different? Deep inside of me something gave up already.

*

Leaving church was a massive blasphemous taboo that was firmly ingrained, burnt & branded into our souls the moment we became regular members

Think even being caught having a quickie in the toilet DURING group meeting would still be a lesser sin than leaving church.

Burned bridges with sch people long ago - I spent literally all my free time with church people

That’s when I turned online.

Started with random chatting. The more I did it, the more it revealed the festering loneliness that’s inside me.

It took abit of convincing & frustration from the first few girls I talked to, but eventually picked up sexting/cybersex.

This became my secret hideaway. A place of relief from all that nasty toxic experience the past year.

I started to spend alot of time ‘chatting online’, even more so than games

One night whle ‘chatting’ with an online girl

Just as I returned to ‘chatting’

Second interruption

UGH not one moment of peace!

Abit of guilt started coming back to me, turned off the ‘chatting’

Wow guess the buddy system proved effective in guarding our growth & holiness, hmmm?

_RaaaaChel_

Funny how tables turn. Think even god in heaven laughed at how things happened

The onlines I found are all “ONS”. Or rather “OCS (one chat stand)” While it was annoying to keep looking for new girls,

on the other hand also gave a thrilling & fun thing to look forward to everytime.

Came holiday period. Adelyn cold turkey withdrawal acting up again.

NB you got Matt I also got my girls ok?

Found a new online girl that morning.

Username: _RaaaaChel_

Cannot be la even 4D, 3D 2D or 1D also not so zhun one.

Even god won’t have the power to create such storyline. Nobody uses their real name. Stupid meh?

<dumbboy92> hi, up for a chat

<_RaaaaChel_> Hey

<dumbboy92> what you doing here

<_RaaaaChel_> just bored

-

-

chats

-

-

<_RaaaaChel_> Lonely.

<dumbboy92> hahaha ya i’m also lonely

<_RaaaaChel_> got gf? did anything b4?

<dumbboy92> nope. not much, just a noob here

<_RaaaaChel_> same same hehe

<_RaaaaChel_> so, what do you think about?

<dumbboy92> hmm?

<_RaaaaChel_> like, what would you like to do if you had the chance

<dumbboy92> honestly, I never even hold hands before. would like to try that

<_RaaaaChel_> WAH LAO!! I MEANT…..ERR GRRRR really dumbboy leh u. innocent boiboi

<dumbboy92> ehh. u also V ok

<_RaaaaChel_> hee, ya ya

<_RaaaaChel_> hey…it’s a cold morning…pretty lonely over here..

<dumbboy92> yep it is too on my side

<_RaaaaChel_> wanna…keep each other company?

<dumbboy92> how?

<_RaaaaChel_> also dunno, just saying. wish someone was here to keep me warm

<dumbboy92> awww. I would cuddle u so tight

<_RaaaaChel_> damn

<dumbboy92> why

<_RaaaaChel_> what u said hit me

<dumbboy92> like how

<_RaaaaChel_> dunno how to say

<dumbboy92> u need company?

<_RaaaaChel_> ya, but I also kinda scared.. we just keep things here ok?

<dumbboy92> sure,

<_RaaaaChel_> so as I was saying. I mean, beyond the normal things la. like, I’m always curious what it’s like to shower with a guy

my downstairs began to grow

<dumbboy92> wow.

<_RaaaaChel_> haha yup. I find it..really exciting. just like the idea of it

<dumbboy92> it sure does sound good

<_RaaaaChel_> wanna try?

<dumbboy92> I’d love to! where u stay

<_RaaaaChel_> hahahaha go to hell laaa. we do it just on here k?

<dumbboy92> okay okay Miss Rachel. I’ll accompany you : )

-things got hot & we acted out her fantasies by text.

the scene was nearing it’s climax-

<_RaaaaChel_> hey dumbboy, really wish I could hear or see you now, but I also scared & wanna stay anonymous

<dumbboy92> same

<_RaaaaChel_> promise you are masting with me right at this moment?

FUCK this line gave me goosebumps all over my entire body, my heart beat into overdrive

<dumbboy92> yeah, you too hor

<_RaaaaChel_> if I was less afraid…I would have call you to let you hear how wet I am right now

<dumbboy92> omfg. Why…why not? we dun have to talk, jus let me hear

<_RaaaaChel_> dun wan la

<dumbboy92> okok. let’s cont?

<_RaaaaChel_> yeah baby

-more cybersexing-

<_RaaaaChel_> think I’m gonna cum

<dumbboy92> shit me too

<_RaaaaChel_> let’s cum together ok?

<dumbboy92> yeah, u ready? I can’t hold anymore

<_RaaaaChel_> yeah mmmm fuckkkk…wish you were deep inside me right now, ram me deep and cum with me

-30 sec silence-

<dumbboy92> damn I totally exploded, go clean up

<_RaaaaChel_> same here lol

-2 minute silence-

<dumbboy92> hey thanks that was really nice

<_RaaaaChel_> yeah

then We both typed at the same time:

<dumbboy92> I gotta go shower & head out soon

<_RaaaaChel_> I need to go shower, gonna go out in a while

and again

<dumbboy92> haha where?

<_RaaaaChel_> ohh where?

third time’s the charm

<dumbboy92> I gg sentosa

<_RaaaaChel_> sentosa

<_RaaaaChel_> NO WAY

<dumbboy92> wow. go for what, with who

<_RaaaaChel_> dun tell you

<dumbboy92> ok SAME

<_RaaaaChel_> lol

<dumbboy92> will I ever see you again here?

<_RaaaaChel_> Dunno

<dumbboy92> pretty please? you enjoyed it too hor

<_RaaaaChel_> yeah, I did. maybe la. see how

<_RaaaaChel_> have to go le, wait I late, byeee

<dumbboy92> bye

Rachel

After that ‘chat session’, I headed out for a bonding event at sentosa.

This was organized across different youth groups throughout the whole church.

One pair buddies were selected from each group to attend. It was a more laid back, like company retreat kinda type thing.

At dhoby gaut, she came in the same cabin I was in. Our eyes met. We noticed we both kinda just showered before.

Cannot be la. This is too wild.

But something told me that it was Rachel I cybersexed with earlier that morning.

Did she know that I suspect? Was it really her? If it was, did she suspect too?

We didn’t say or even hint anything at each other - played it cool.

During the bonding event, there was some activity involved the bros had to piggyback/carry sis

I wasn’t a sport guy (duh computer nerd), so never carry anything before, let alone girl.

We ended up in a very weird piggyback position, & I could feel her whole top body pressing on me.

That was my first close contact with any girl.

Since it was still a church event, didn’t let my thoughts run.

They wanted a nice final pose, somewhat like a cheerleading styled photo

Rach climbed onto my shoulders and locked her legs around my neck. I could feel her groin on my back…

There were more incidents of inevitable physical contact with Rachel.

Once we were sent to a inter-church thing. We were the only ones from our group, so we stuck close together

It was a huge event with a squeezy & sweaty queue leading into the venue.

Many times because of the space & people shoving to get further ahead, I would ram into her, or get ‘sardined’ against her.

I noticed a particular smell she had, some sort of shampoo I think.

As we spent more & more time together, we grew much closer.

I didn’t fall for her like I did with Adelyn. Hmmm…it was a different.

Adelyn is like this faraway pop star that was out of reach, while Rach was a friend who was always around me.

At this point, if Lyn for some miraculous reason wanted to be with me, I would still have gone back to her.

Since Rach was 2 years older, she felt obliged to take care of me.

I started to tease by calling her Sis Rach

She didn’t like it, so it settled on a casual & cute ‘zeh’

Rachel Pt2

The night after the inter-church meeting, we were hanging out/supper

X

“Zeh, what was ur sec sch like?”

R

“Pretty

lonely

..”

Rachel Pt2 [cont.]

R

“Ever since PSLE, my parents have been overseas. For the first year they did come back during my bday & christmas.

After that, they never come back. Not once. They do call me from time to time. Also send alot of money but..

After a while…it’s just chilling to stay alone for such a long time ya know?

I had Lizzy (Elisabeth, Rachel’s sister) with me for a year, but she’s too young to know much about my world la.

Then she also went over anyways.”

R

“In sec 2, Sarah made friends with me & invited me to join lor. Soon after I got to know Shawn”

X

“Oh ya, what happened with Shawn? He suddenly transferred out”

R

“We’re no longer together”

X

“Oh gosh”

R

“Mmm, it’s complicated. During my sec sch life Shawn tried to keep me company, but the strict dating rules really wore us out.

That relationship was so messy.”

X

“I’m sorry to hear that”

R

“It was so suffocating you know”

X

“yeah man”

R

“I told Shawn that we’re mature enough to be responsible for ourselves. Don’t have to every little thing report leader la

A couple without any privacy is not a good feeling at all”

R

“He agreed at first, but was still very touchy about everything. There were nights where my loneliness was unbearable, I asked

Shawn to come out meet, he always refused. Never once did. It turned into frequent quarrels.”

R

“Of all people, you should know my loneliness issue the best. We’re just meeting outside ma, not like we’re not doing anything

wrong. Tell me, you love me more or scared of Sis Ellen more?” “He kept quiet all the way”

R

“Then suddenly one day he went back on everything & felt we should follow the rules strictly 100% again. I guess I got my answer.

It just went downhill from there.”

X

“Sorry zeh, I dunno what to say, but I feel sad”

R

“It’s ok la” she let out light smile, mixed with some sadness

R

“We gotta just keep moving on”

WW2

June holiday. Ultra special mega outreach event. 2nd place only to christmas

This initiative was part of the restrategize, and was supposed to compliment Xmas.

We must first succeed to bring people in for June hols, then in turn, the newbies will bring in even more people in for christmas.

So also damn important this one.

Since introduction of buddy system, roles during events also worked differently.

No longer one person handling all the coordination, one person handling all the “HR”, one person doing all the design/adverts/media related stuff

But spread out across buddy pairings.

In a way whenever huge events came by, we became “temporary mini leaders”

Every core member buddy pair will be given some amount of newer member to work with, assign roles & work towards the target

Usually newer members won’t be included in outreach planning as they aren’t “mature enough yet to know about the deeper things of the lord”

But this time, everything was more hectic, more urgent. Even members as new as 1-2 months are encouraged to ‘bring the lost into the kingdom of god’

During the prep meeting, some of the younger members (genuinely & innocently) asked:

“Sis Ellen how come we must keep calling & bringing all our friends to join us?”

Jeremy, Sarah & the older members faces did an “imaginary facepalm” - “UGH NO DON’T ASK IT LIKE THAT LA…”

Leader

“Well there are many sinners out there lost without the love of God.

We want to bring them in to experience the blessing, love and hope that we all have enjoyed ourselves.

Let’s say, you have found the nicest tasting bubble tea shop that no one knows about.

Will you not quickly bring the friends you love to go buy and taste it as well?

What more, you have here the source of life itself. Won’t it be really selfish to keep it to yourselves?

Even those who have been here less than a year, I’m sure you have been already very blessed so far right?”

“Even if it’s just little things for a start. It will only get better from here on. Am I right? Can I can an Amen?” Leader turned to face the older members

Sarah/Jeremy/Older Members “Yes Amen hallelujah” clap clap clap

WW2 - Fatal Wounds

Again, like last christmas, there was lots of pressure & preparation. To the point that even our grades were affected

R

“X, I poly still can take it. you O level leh this year. I cover for you la, you go study more k”

X

“No la, god is more important. if I honour him he will take care of my studies”

Rach went silent. Not the agree type silence, but, just ’no comments'

Either the Devil was out to get me, or god wasn’t on my side. I think both ba. As evident from previous events.

Me & Rach had terrible results. We managed to get only 2 to stay.

Adelyn turned out to be the apple of god’s eye though.

Her results were so overwhelming, she almost singlehandedly doubled the group size.

It was a joyous group meeting that week. Entering Rach’s living room, greeted with the smell of pizza.

The dining table was decorated with a big feast

Sarah’s Laojiao Dictionary:

When a youth group grows in number, they will be divided into two from the parent group.

An asst leader will be assigned as trainee leader for the 2nd group

If it keeps growing well, will divide until many groups. Asst leaders/trainee leaders will lead the new groups,

original leader becomes a senior leader overseeing the rest, while leading one group him/herself

if it keeps going & gets really huge, that’s one possible pathway for the a group leader to even potentially become a pastor, overseeing many many many groups

Leader

“I’ve only seen this happen from afar. And one or two nearer, for those who know who Sis Charmaine and Bro Junliang or their members”

(

referring to elite sister groups under our same pastor. Basically the church version of “RI high flyer” types who can produce top results - ie very high group growth rate)

“But, for first time in our group history, we may get to form a double group.

Praise God, to Him be all the glory, but let’s also give our dear Matthew & Adelyn a big big hand for a job well done.” everyone started applauding

At this point, Matt put his arm around Lyn’s waist and held her closer.

The clapping thinned out to a confusing fade, no one was sure how to react.

Ellen then burst out in gleeful clapping with a huge smile on her face, further cheering:

“They took the love and light God gave to them and shone it on those who were lost, and made them children of God. Hallelujah!”

everyone continued clapped furiously while making that “WOOOOOOO” noise

I refrained from reacting, just fake air-clapping. Then, I saw Rach. She was glaring at Ellen+Lyn+Matt

All that came to mind & echoed in my head when I saw her look was her recount of what she said to Shawn

“You love me more or scared of Sis Ellen more?”

Also for the first time in the group history, a couple was openly glorified.

There were even rumours that Lyn & Matthew in the process promote to assistant leader.

Even more, plans to have them lead the new groups once they form.

Fuck Off.

This was the final blow for me. The Adelyn Scars were now ripped open again.

I was shamed for liking her. Condemned for it, which led to further poor performance as a ‘servant of god’, then more damnation. Nothing went right.

while Adelyn can enjoy all the ‘forbidden fruits’, then still be celebrated & compliment. Everything went right.

I’m a failure member while she’s on her way to becoming a leader.

I’m now the demon. They are the angels.

I fall in love, must repent.

Adelyn + Matthew? Give birth to many newbie ginna & glory of god.

I’m done.

Every fibre in my being wanted to get the out of that celebration.

The very millisecond that group meeting officially ended, I immediately got up,

squeezed past the people congratulating Lyn/Matt, past the people reaching for the pizzas

opened the gate & left.

(It was tradition to hang around for a bit after meeting to bond with fellow group members.

Not a staunch requirement, but somewhat like informal business drinking, to ‘give face’)

Didn’t feel like going home. Just wandered around.

Hid away & avoided routes we normally take, or places & shops we normally visit before heading to MRT/Interchange.

Received missed call after missed call. Leader, asst leaders, Sarah.

Even Adelyn.

EVEN ADELYN.

That Adelyn missed call. Most especially that goddamned one.

When saw it I almost had a stroke, at 16yo.

Oh. So I matter now huh? We joined around same time. It’s ok if I’m not your type.

The past 2 years, did you give one shit about me? Not even one text or one genuine warm gesture.

Ellen ask you to call one right? Why leh? She got you what. I goddamn useless cannot bring people in de. Want me back for fuck?

Couldn’t be bothered to receive missed calls anymore, was about turn off my phone

It rang again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by

CibLover

Hmmm… Rachel would be a good bet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by

juzz

Very powderful brain washing for people so young,

Amen

Quote:

Originally Posted by

nkyc

I really hope X has seen thru all the fake-ness in leadership and has matured to know that sometimes the Devil is so convincing at playing god that we humans really cannot tell the difference….

X has learned alot from the traumatic journey. More shall be revealed in updates to come

Thanks all for support

Apologize if it this didn’t turn out to be a fuckfest, if there were any expectation for it to be that

But for those who by any chance enjoy reading this recounting journal,

good news is that the story WILL be completed.

Didn’t expect posting to be so tiring, but I’m working on it.

There WILL be an end

Emergency First Aid

Couldn’t be bothered to receive missed calls anymore, was about turn off my phone

It rang again.

“Rachel”

I rejected the call

Something about humans instinct, you sometimes just know who is true & real to you, tio boh?

Back in her room. We didn’t need say a single word. we knew we understood each others feelings.

There were tears in her eyes, soon in mine too. We hugged each other & started to cry.

X

“zeh….what wrong did i do?

She started to sobbed harder, so did I

X

“i pray everyday….i followed everything faithfully….”

X

“i talk to the newcomers, prayed for them….”

R

“X don’t. don’t think liao ok? It’s not ur fault. Trust Me. It ISN’T.”

X

“zeh my heart really damn pain…”

She held me even tighter

“I know..” those two words barely came out of her mouth, merely as a breathy anguished whimper

We found ourselves sitting on her bed, exhausted.

She was leaning against me, I against her.

R

“I feel like shit”

X

“me too”

Still indignant, I lashed out again “How come Lyn & that Matt can …”

I was interrupted before I could finish

“X stop.” she covered my mouth with her hand

R

“I don’t have strength to cry anymore”

When I heard that, I started to weep again.

We were so emotionally beaten up. Depleted.

Sleepless nights from Lyn & most probably Shawn for Rach’s side

Sleepless nights from June Outreach.

Sleepless nights from forebodding feeling of failing exams.

When your mental state is severely broken, it hands control over to nature.

When you experience extreme physical pain, the brain blacks you out as a form of natural anesthesia.

Studies say intimate human touch boosts immune system…

In a state of drunkness, drunk on sadness and pain,

Don’t know when we stopped crying & when we started kissing. Nor when our clothes came off.

Were we still crying when we undressed? Did we undress each other or just ourselves?

I can’t even remember what her naked body looked like from that night.

Conscience didn’t stop us. It didn’t exist at that point.

All that teaching about god is watching you all the time were also thrown outta window

Everything was on autopilot. Things just happened. Our hands moved on their own.

Our bodies controlled us. Our frustrations, our pain controlled us

Like a biological self defense mechanism,

our subconcious minds reached for whatever relief was within reach there & then.

Honestly, everything after that was a blur. Not a total black out, but…

I’d describe it like a corrupted video file. With many missing scenes & unknown sequence.

All I could piece together from that night was a mixture of visuals & sensations:

-I remember feeling her thighs gliding against mine

-very thick smell of her sweat mixed shampoo scent surrounding my face all the time

-her long hair stuck between both our sweaty bodies

-her bent elbows, grabbing my shoulders, a faint outline of her slim slender body moving up & down

-Feeling of electricity throughout my whole body, my face was numb from crying

(this was what I remembered the clearest. if look back on that night. the first thing is electricity & numbness)

-Being wrapped in a insanely comfortable smooth silk blanket that was massaging me all over. (Most likely her body & skin sliding against mine)

-My bottom groin/dick area was stuck firmly in some soft milky thing that was constantly melting (most likely was deep inside her)

Apologies for the non-conventional description. That was what pussy first felt like to my incomplete memories - it’s all my senses left me with about that night

I don’t remember cumming. Or at least, I don’t remember ‘shooting’.

But a throbbing sensation - muscles contracting in my lower body. Then Rach lying ontop of me.

The last sensation was just “growing then shrinking” “grow then shrink” (most likey, we were just breathing heavily against each other)

After that,

Blackout.

Morning After

The morning after was equally strange. Woke up naked in each other’s arms. All she said was “oh my god”

It wasn’t awkward or tension either. Just that we didn’t say anything to each other.

Separately got dressed, I gave a her a small hug & then left.

It was an amazingly good sleep though. We both were visibly recharged that morning.

What happened didn’t bother me. I didn’t even think much about it. No guilt, nothing.

Didn’t feel like anything wrong was done. There was no remorse, or any need to repent. None. Zero.

In theory, I knew it was so WRONG, but that theory did not register into practical real life application.

Everything felt..100% normal. “Like you went to pee, then went to bed & woke up the next morning” level of normal.

All I can describe it was like a “sneeze” - it had to happen, it happened, and it was done.

By late noon that day, abit of logic seeped back (still, no fear or guilt)

I became worried about her side. Didn’t dare text her first. Waited & waited for her text. None came.

I kept checking all the way till around 10pm. Still Nothing. Sua la play game.

Those texts were all that’s related to what happened that night.

The whole week after was back to normal, as if nothing happened.

We went to school, did the church stuff we had to do, bible quiz, pray together

No awkwardness. No guilt. Nothing.

I didn’t question why either, it never occurred to me to do that.

Thinking back, our brains either blocked that portion of our memory or it was just too fuzzy & intense to revisit.

Calm Before Storm

The previous week ended with a glorious party celebrating Adelyn-Matt.

The next group meeting. Well, it was a sight to behold.

Sensed something really off as I walked into Rach’s living room.

Lyn+Matt’s new ginnas were no where to be seen. Not a single one.

Huh? They all left ah?

Calm Before Storm

The previous week ended with a glorious party celebrating Adelyn-Matt.

This week, well…

Sensed something really off as I walked into Rach’s living room.

Lyn+Matt’s new ginnas were no where to be seen. Not a single one.

No newer members or first timers were present.

There was no singing & worship, no admin briefings - The regular group meeting format didn’t happen.

Leader

“We’ll start the meeting now, there won’t be any worship today”

Leader

“X could you please come sit over to the front”

As I stepped foward to my judgement, could see Rach’s body posture immediately change

Leader

“How many missed calls?”

“How many missed calls?”

“How many missed calls?”

Leader Ellen must have repeated those four words for a good 5-8 times

Everyone was looking at the ground. Even Sarah.

Which reminds me, she mentioned public ‘briefing’ was rare occurence, but has happened before.

It is not pretty. This was probably it

Leader

“How many missed call did we have to give you that day?”

“How many missed call did we have to give you?”

“X how many missed call did we have to give you that day?”

[5 sec pause]

How many?

How many?

Leader

How many souls did you lead into the kingdom of god during June outreach?

X how many souls did you lead into the kingdom of god during June outreach?

[5 sec pause]

“How many” - everyone looked up in unison to check the source of the different voice they heard.

It was Rachel.

She went total fucking beast mode.

She stared straight dead into Ellen’s eyes. I didn’t see any ounce of fear on her face.

Just years of indignance, bitterness & pain.

R

“How many modules did YOU fail just to make the outreach even possible in the first place?

How many nights of sleep did YOU sacrifice?”

R

“How many people can we force to stay & join us?

We’re not filled enough with the love of god inside us is it?

As a leader, you must be way holier & more filled with love than X & I.

How come your love didn’t make them stay?”

Sarah’s mouth hung wide open.

R

“How many times have you thought about us members, especially me & X throughout the whole outreach period?

Can I ask dear sis ellen, how many times you prayed daily, I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY for god to bless the outreach?”

Rach brought out the prayer log sheet we had to fill out, beautifully completed, placed it on the table.

R

“Can we please see yours too? Right now?”

Leadership eyes widen. Dulan faces, but also had a hesitant to fight back.

If their prayer sheets were complete as well, they could have played show hand & shut down Rach right there & then. Apparently not.

R

“During the whole June outreach, how many first timers did any of you actually talk to? With a sincere heart?

How many of them did you actually really care for? Can you tell me their names? What they were going through in life?”

“Excuse me Rachel” assistant leader wanted a taste of the flames of the phoenix that is Rachel right now

“Do you talk to your leader like that”

R

“Excuse ME, KAREN.”

R

“Besides praying daily without fail, we faithfully completed all additional extra midnight prayers.

X even got up every other day at odd hours just to do the ‘round the clock’ prayer routine

I gave up completing 2 projects just to make sure cordination ran smoothly.

Did god not tell you all this before you prepared this punishment meeting?”

Even the Sarah “Insider Knowledge” Neo put her hand over her mouth.

The look on her face, I couldn’t describe it to you.

R

“X is probably going to fail one or two O level subjects.

He supposed attach the youth group growth statistics chart to his poly admission is it?”

The leaders were dumbfounded. I didn’t know if Ellen felt angry or anything else.

All her expression was was just 100% thoroughly shocked. She didn’t say one word.

When you fire a gun, you don’t expect the bullet to come back at you. But that day, it fucking did.

Then, I felt abit scared.

Suddenly got reminded of that night last week with Rachel.

It would have been a legit retalliation back at us.

But HENG AH. Apparently our leaders didn’t pray enough for “god to tell them that secret”

R

“When was the last time ANY of you called us to pray for us, or even together with us?

It’s all about praying for the new people, the church, the group. Are WE not the group, are WE not the church as well?”

Damn she stood up for me, & herself too of course. It felt SO good.

First time in my life I witness authority on the wrong side of the fence. My mind was blown.

R

“This meeting is over. Kindly go back, pray & reflect on this”

she’s relentless. WTF did they do to her man?

There was no display of anger or any emotion. No one talked to each other.

Just solemn silence, maybe little tinge of awe as well.

Everyone left, group by group, starting with the leadership.

The rest in their factions/subgroups instead of the pair buddies (from here you could see who was truly closer to who)

The place was cleared in less than 5 minutes.

Guess everyone was too shocked to realize I didn’t leave together with them

Secrets from an Angel of God

Back in Rachel’s room.

X

“Zeh..wow…you…Wow…” before I could say anything else,

Her brave aura suddenly disappeared as she fell onto me, burying her face in my chest.

R

“X that was SO scary. I don’t know what made me do that” Rach started crying

I hugged her & laughed

X

“it’s ok, it’s ok. it’s over.”

R

“really?”

X

“yeah it was incredible. mind blowing”

she sighed with relief as crying subsided

It felt like an infected pimple been popped. Or like a bomb has been diffused.

Don’t know if those are good analogies at all but,

There was just this sense of absolute relief & peacefulness. The air seemed felt light & extra fresh.

I sat on Rach’s bed with her as she took a deep breath.

X

“zeh, didn’t know you like that de”

R

“heh there are many things you don’t know about me” she said, still sniffing a little

Hmm? What does she mean?

Secrets from an Angel of God [cont.]

R

“hey, wanna talk?” the mood lightened

X

“Sure.”

R

“Wait”

Rach got up, went outside and returned with a packets of our fav snack.

We both smiled at each other.

Heart to heart, we poured out our life stories to each other

It was probably the best conversation of my entire life. I will never forget it.

I don’t think there’s anything we didn’t dare to say to each other that night.

Everything came out, as we munched on the *insert fav snack here*

R

“you remember that time I looked at you? right after Ellen baited you with Adelyn to attend the holiday meeting”

X

“HUH…OHH. OOHHH That. OMG haha. I almost forgot it liao”

R

“Yeah. You were so difficult to approach la. Don’t want to say anything one”

X

“haha sorry la”

R

“well, even if you responded that text, I also didn’t know how begin explaining all of this to you”

X

“eh wait, so..you knew? about everything? All along?”

R

“yeah..”

X

“Sarah told you?”

R

“nope. hehe”

X

“huh you stalk me ah?”

R

“I was concerned for you k” Rach looked into my eyes.

I peered away shyly. She let out a chuckle.

There it dawned on me. Outside of church stuff, most people don’t really cared about me

They cared for me as a member. But Rach, she cared for me as a person. To a level which not even Sarah did.

X

“Wh..why though?”

R

“I guess, I see alot of myself in you.

You joined two years ago right? Sec 2 just like I did.

I was like you. quiet & introverted. Sarah has the talent of making friends with people like us.

She became my only friend. Since she brought me here, the church my only family

Once I picked up on the signs & patterns, I started to observe you.

I realized my story was about to repeat all over again.

The Adelyn bait I was talking about, it happened to me too

They would my relationship with Shawn as a control device. It took awhile to piece the puzzle together,

Everytime the wanted something out of me, they became very hands off - was given more privacy with Shawn

and when they didnt….

In some ways it was worse for you coz you didn’t get to be with Adelyn

But, being with Shawn didn’t exactly do much for me either.”

My face might have changed a little when she touched on this subject

R

“You still, think about….her?”

X

“Not really, but, some of it is still in there”

R

“yeah, I get you”

X

“go on zeh”

R

“Along the way, I started to doubt their care for me. Only did if they needed me to attend stuff.

They brought the same mess to you as they did to me.

Though I have to say, I don’t think they’re evil la, Just not the holy saints we think them to be.

They’re just like you & me, people with bias, favorites, good days, bad days.

They pressure us ontop pastor also pressure them.

I don’t think they’re out to destroy us, but not really here to lift us up all the time either.

有好有坏 . But sometimes they really 太过分 lor”

All her analysis made so much sense. Actually, I probably knew it too, just that I didn’t dare think it?

God did answer my prayer after all. Sent me an angel to reveal the truth.

A shocking truth, but the truth does really set you…free

“Wah, leaders are also human hor, not saints. Wonder if they secretly sext too

"

R

“I know what it’s like to be hurting, confused & guilty. And the burden when you blame it all on yourself

To feel alone while you’re surrounded by so many supposedly warm people.

You see them 2-3 times a week but they’re always so far away.”

R

“I didn’t want you to go through what I did in my O level year” Rach held my hand

R

“That feeling where you need someone close, someone real, that’s only normal right?

What’s wrong with that. You get shamed & blamed for it.

I don’t want you to feel alone like I did. I had to stop another me from happening.

But looks like I was still a little too late. Sorry X, I realy didn’t know how to get to you”

X

“No prob la zeh, I know I’m hard to talk to”

R

“So, What’s the next step for you?”

X

“Dunno. But I know won’t be as try hard anymore

Besides, Adelyn’s so obviously god’s chosen one la. I just wasn’t good enough”

R

“Not to me” she looked into my eyes.

We embraced each other tight, my head & face lying on her shoulders

X

“Zeh, after today, will we be..kicked out?”

R

“Don’t think so, they won’t want membership statistics to decrease, though I also can’t predict what’s gonna happen.”

R

“But I do know, from today” she placed her hand on my thigh, & gazed at me again

“Things are gonna change”

I didn’t know what that meant, but the tone of her voice made my heart start to beat faster.

R

“But I do know, from today” she placed her hand on my thigh, & gazed at me again

“Things are gonna change”

I didn’t know what that meant, but the tone of her voice made my heart start to beat faster.

Secrets from an Angel of God Pt2

X

“Err huh” I questioned as Rach drew closer towards me. That familiar shampoo smell filled my nose again

Could still see the years of years of confusion & injustice she endured in her eyes.

Although her outburst against the leaders soothed many things, there was still much unresolved feelings inside of her.

R

“X, what’s done is done. we’ve been through so much & lost so much.

Even if we don’t get kicked out,

I don’t think we’ve got a place back with them anymore”

X

“You gonna leave?”

R

“I don’t know but,”

R

“What I know for sure is..” her eyes shifted slightly downwards, looking at my lips

“I don’t really care anymore.”

She leaned fowrard, grabbing my lips with hers & wrapped her hands around my neck.

My natural reaction was to gently pull her away.

X

“Huh..zeh, what..uhm..” my heart beating at top speed

R

“Sorry X, sorry! you..uhm..don’t…uhm..”

R

“sorry..I was being too..”

X

“Nono zeh, just I.. I..didn’t expect that..”

She released her grip on me

R

“You still..have feelings for Adelyn?”

X

“Not anymore”

R

“X, that night..”

We finally talked about that fateful night

X

“Yeah uhm, I don’t remember much really”

R

“Me neither..

Did you regret it?”

X

“don’t know..it just happened

but..it felt really good to be close to you zeh, honest”

R

“Same here”

Rach showed me a text she received

Just put God first and serve him with all your heart. Your reward will come"

R

‘X, we put god first didn’t we."

X

“Yeah, think it’s fair to say we did. But we got punished instead”

R

“Well, Ellen didn’t say we wouldn’t get punished. But she did say ‘your reward will come’..”

“My reward is long overdue. What about you” that frustration in her voice.

Before I could answer, Rach climbed on me, held my face with both her hands & put her tongue straight into my mouth

I didn’t resist this time round.

Held on to her waist & just sat there, didn’t know what to do or react.

She then suddenly pulled away “hang on”

X

“Yeah, I uhm, probably this isn’t a good idea right now”

R

“No, wait”

R

“X,” she showed me something on her screen again

R

“do you you remember….”

_RaaaaChel_

FUCK. MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCK. IT WAS HER.

[for easy reference,

here’s the chat again

]

The mood changed - we were transported back to the feeling & vibe of that chat that morning.

X

“OH MY”

R

“You knew all along didn’t you”

X

“I was half guessing, but didn’t dare to assume”

R

“Yeah, but what made you guess”

X

“You?”

R

“Sentosa”

X

“Sentosa”

We both laughed.

X

“eh what was going through your mind har? why u use Rachel”

R

“No one expects you to use real name ma. Plus Rachel’s a common name

Who knew sentosa would go & ruin my cover”

X

“haha. didn’t expect you turned online too”

R

“Eyy not all the time hor. Just whenver loneliness got too much to take. You do every night is it?

"

X

“What! no la. ok maybe..the first week, yes”

R

“you didn’t meet any though”

X

“Didn’t dare”

R

“so I was your..first in real life”

X

“yeah”

R

“same..”

R

“So, Dumbboy92.”

X

“ahahahaha!”

R

“you wanna…finally make that convo a reality?”

“there are many things you don’t know about me.” No shit!

HOLY S…I was nervous, but acted cool

X

“err…Sure, Miss Rachel”

R

“I go on heater

"

Since she dare play, that notion rubbed off on me & made me play back

X

“If I remember correctly hor, that convo didn’t start there” she was just about to turn the door knob, but stopped

She gave me a puzzled look

X

“Let’s go all the way from the very start shall we?”

Her face: “OMG”

We went to her laptop, spent a couple of minutes traced back that old chat

X

“You were sitting here that day?”

R

“yep”

X

“wanna show me how wet you were?”

R

“OH MY GOD HAHAHA”

X

“RACH RACH” I pointed to a specific part of the convo as I was skimming through it

“ram me deep”

X

“ahahahahahaha”

R

“OIIIII!! “she slapped my arm & giggled

But then.

Her expression suddenly turned super serious.

If you’ve ever been on those amusement park rides,

The ones where they bring you high & suddenly drop you.

That’s what the change in the atmosphere felt like.

Incredibly drastically in a very short period of time.

That look she gave me.. (again, nothing I’ve ever seen before)

I guess you could call that a “CFM Look’? Not a naughty playful one, but a intensely serious one.

That look. It kinda murdered whatever’s left of the old holy guai kia X.

My heart pace shot through the roof. My lips were dry. Breathing became irregular.

She stood up, rested her back against her computer desk, pulled me close & started kissing me all over.

Everything was racing around me. I couldn’t focus. I just kept trying to swallow my saliva.

Still stunned, I just stood there. Felt her tongue traveling across my neck

While she began to undressed herself & me - I finally understood

This was her way of ‘claiming her reward’. Her revenge. Compensation for her years of pain, confusion & emptiness.

As she was removing her panties - the final piece of clothing left on any of us,

I didn’t dare look. Well at least, that’s what my ‘upbringing’ was telling me.

But somehow, my eyes were firmly fixated on the fair silky body that was in front of me.

Everything inside me was saying “LOOK AWAY THIS IS WRONG”

But i couldn’t move my face nor my eyes away.

Away from her long hair flowing down behind her back & down her arms.

Away from her small but beautifully framed boobs.

From her slender waist, flat stomach,

Slim forearms & bony wrists

Her delicate fingers pulling her panties down her absolutely delicious thighs

Rach then grabbed the back of my head, guiding my face down to her neck, rubbing it against my lips.

I followed her lead & started kissing on it.

Once she ensured my reciprocation, she took her right hand off,

franctically groping around her desk drawer searching for something.

I heard the shuffling sounds towards my left stop.

She took out a condom & ripped open the packet.

Damn, she planned for this to happen? Or at least, had the intention for this to happen?

That was the moment I realized I was going to have sex.

(Okay, technically, I already had, but considering the circumstances & state that took place,

this felt like my actual first time.)

She then spent a frustrating 20-30secs trying to get that piece of rubber on me.

(I was already rock hard & dripping precum many moments ago when she started kissing me)

After successfully putting the cap on me, she propped herself up onto the table, spreading her legs.

https://sexpositions.club/wp-content...9/06/15_20.png

something like this, just that the table not so long - her back was against the wall, legs were spread out instead, with her hands on my butt

I wanted it. but my nervousness kept trying to avoid what was oncoming:

X

“www..what about shower?” I tried in vain to delay

R

“Mmmhh” she let out an “annoyed sound”, looked at me straight with a final deadly CFMN (come fuck me NOW)

I broke. Gave in to the horniness inside of me.

“Ahhhhhh” she gasped, with face tensing up as my dick thrusted inside

X + R

“aauuuhh….aaoohhhh” semi-loud moans came out of both our mouths.

Her hands on my butt, urging me to go faster & faster

Pulling on my hips with greater increasing speed

The sturdy wooden desk she was on echoed our pleasures, gently slamming against the wall behind with each insertion I made

I didn’t last long. At all. neither did she. Both our bodies tensed as I held her tight

I must have shot at least ten times into the condom while her pussy contracted around my dick.

Her back was resting on the blue wall behind the desk, while my left arm rested on the desk, the other half on her.

We stayed on the desk for awhile, recovering from the intense orgasm we just had.

Secrets from Angel pt2 [cont.]

It wasn’t just the pleasure, but the feeling of freedom it brought.

This time, I. We. remebered every single thing.

Both in control of ourselves - no more autopilot. We did everything we did intentfully & intetnionally

That night, we fucked each others brains out.

I released my grip on her, slowly pulling out

R

“You ok?” she asked

X

“Yeah”

“You?”

R

“More than ok”

R

“That was, crazy”

X

“Yeah” which was all i could say, still dazed from the whole experience

We hugged & kissed again for a brief while.

My mind started to gather itself.

I was removing the CD & wiping up, she got down from the table & stroked my forearm

R

“You..still in the mood for shower?”

X

“Sure”

Her face lit up

R

“We finally got to keep each other company” she winked at me

Our hands explored each other’s body as we soaped each other up

There it was, the source of that shampoo scent..

Towelled off in front of the mirror. Hugged her in my arms while she blew dry her hair.

My hardon (which didn’t go away since the first round started) was pressing against her butt.

Could feel the warmth from coming from her body. Or was it from mine? Both i guess.

Even after that shower, our insides must have still been burning from the sex we had just now.

Went back to her room.

Making a Sinner Pt2

This scene was one of the strongest memories of her house.

Her silky baby blue bed sheets, the dim lighting permeating the room from her cute girly table lamps

Further accompanied & beautified by the unassuming ‘home made disco lights’ that is her laptop screensaver

and the chinese pop songs that were playing on it

Once again, seated on her bed, she was stroking my hard dick, touching it, feeling it’s shape & texture.

I was busy too, gently exploring what her soft breasts felt like

R

“Wow, hehe” she exclaimed while staring fascinated at my erection

She stood up & went to drawer again. I knew what was up

We found ourselves in doggy this time round.

So far, it was mostly about feeling of closeness & intimacy,

but looking at her slim figure & perky butt from behind,

going in & out of her pussy - made me knew what horny truly meant

Soon I was ramming her hard, slapping my pelvis against her butt

She was on her elbows squirming, occasionally adjusting herself, tucking her hair behind her ears

I must have hit a right angle or spot:

R

“ughhhhHHHH X!”

Frightened, I slowed down immediately

X

“Zeh you o…” before I could finish

R

“DON’T STOP!!!”

I resumed the pace & velocity back to it’s original, the sound of flesh smacking filled the room once more

R

“Ughhhhhhhhh X!!!! FUCK!!!!!”

I never heard her say that word before, much less filled with passion & pleasure

That sent me on a path of no return. In a couple more thrusts, I hugged on to her waist & unleashed my second volley of the night.

Lying there, staring at the ceiling. The dancing screensaver lights imitating a vibrant night sky.

Just enjoying resting in each other’s company.

After an eternity of being mesmerized by the whole feeling

She broke the silence: “You know”

R

“They’re gonna stone us both to death”

X

“Hahaha yeah. I’m officially a sinner now.”

R

“No la you innocent boy boy.”

X

“Yup ok. Innocent & blessed.” I pecked her on the cheek

R

“Sinner? Innocent? Blessed?”

X

“All three of them I guess”

X

“You know zeh. The past year, I did all the right things, but everything went wrong.

This is the gravest sin I’ve ever committed, but everything feels so right”

“Like…you are the angel god has sent to comfort me”

R

‘wah lao so er xin can, don’t want talk to you liao’ Rach tried to climb off the bed

For the first time, I took my own initiative & pulled her back

X

“Don’t go zeh, I..want you here”

She fell down back, seated sideways onto my lap, looked at me, somewhat suprised at my act of boldness

position something like this

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qim...933b08b41dbcba

R

‘wah..someone finally has an opinion, dare to say what is in his heart

长大 le. become man liao lor’ she said, looking at me"

After a few secs, I felt some liquid flowing at my thighs

Though no longer virgin but still inexperienced, I looked down to check what that was

Touched the watery substance. Noticed it was a little sticky..like diluted glue or something

R

“Haha…X…”

R

“I’m now wetter than I was that morning during chat” she planted kiss over my face, neck, chest

She then pushed herself up & mounted onto my dick.

I held her thighs, stopping her before she could go all the way in

X

“wait zeh! safety first? I damn scared since that day”

R

“Yeah you’re right. sorry, don’t know what came over me”

Yeah Rach, so horny hmm?

This time I went to the drawer, she tagged along behind.

While reaching for the condom, I saw a silver necklace sloppily stored in it.

I gave it a slight glance, but paid no attention.

Rach saw it too. Immediately took it & threw it in the bin.

X

“Err what was that?”

R

“Nth. Something Shawn gave me years ago. forgot I still had it”

Being reminded of Shawn, I started to feel bad. Though we stopped talking for many many months now..

but damn, I was fucking the girl of the first best friend I met in church.

Rach prodded me back onto the bed.

R

“It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Like you & Adelyn, some residue bound to be still in there, but not much left really”

X

“zeh…so what are we?”

R

“I have no idea either..but we don’t have to define or label things all the time do we?

All I know is we have something special now. I like sharing this with you. Don’t you feel the same?”

X

“Yeah, you described it perfectly”

She was obviously still dripping wet, while I softened a little bit already

R

“Weii don’t let that ruin the mood la”

Sitting back down on me:

I have no idea how to describe this position, so a graphic will help

https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod...1581102043.jpg

She grinded her buttcheeks against my softening hardon, bringing it back to life again.

my ‘Shawn-guilt’ turned into a shot of forbidden ecstasy.

She mounted onto me, & started to fuck my dick.

I was carressing her all over - slim tummy, waist, thighs, arms, boobs, while kissing her back & neck

We last much longer this round, but she got wetter & wetter. That slippery feeling, although through a piece of rubber,

still felt AMAZING.

X

“ZEHH….ZEHH….ZEHH…..UGHHH” our bodies heated up & starting sweating

R

“Ohhhh X….Ohhhh….X……” she continously bounced on me, not showing one sign of tiredness. She just kept

going,

and going

and going.

R

“hhhhh hhhhh hhhhh” huffing & breathing out heavily every time she slammed down onto my dick

X

“ZEHH…FEELS SO GOOD”

After some minutes of non-stop in & and out in & out, I felt her fingers pinch tight on my legs

R

“Errrgggg X……gonna CUM”

X

“WAIT”

I grabbed her legs with mine, my left hand on her chest, my right on her tummy, held her & took over the thrusting

Her head fell backwards onto my shoulder as her body started trembling.

Our groins were drenched in her juices. Her pussy violently spasmed around my dick

X

“FUCCCKKKKK!” I came hard as well, just a couple of seconds after she did.

We lay down yet again, sweaty & satisfied.

She clung on to me, resting her face on my chest. I was stroking her head

X

“You know, this isn’t the first time i uhh.. tio kan so hard in this room”

R

“Huh what?? thought you said i was your first?

you brought someone into my room & had sex with her??”

X

“no la..the first time I tio kan by Ellen ma! that night in this very room”

R

“AAHAHAHAHAH WTF LA X.” she slapped my chest

R

“eh, eh if she kan you you will accept?”

X

“EWWW NO”

We both laughed & kissed

X

“zeh..” i looked into her eyes

“feels so good to have someone “give a fuck” about me”

R

“awwww”

X

“literally..”

R

“Stop with the puns laaa dumbboy”

we drifted into more random bedtime chats till fell asleep, snuggling under her blankets