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Doctor.
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Dentist
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Coal man.
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Decorator.
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Bank manager.
The Top 5 Men in a Woman’s life are:
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks “where do you want it, front or back?”
A Decorator says “how do you like it now that it’s up?”
A Bank manager says “don’t take it out you’ll lose interest”!
A parrot and his owners wife
One day this man named John was in a pet store and as he was looking he saw a parrot sitting on a perch, but the parrot did not have any legs, so John asked the bird how do you hold yourself up on the perch, and the bird said are you sure you want to knpw, and the man shook his head yes. And the bird said I just take my meat and I wrap it around the perch. So they started to talk more and more, and the bird said why don’t you buy me? And John looked at the price tag it said $200 the man said that is too much but John went to the salesclerk and asked if he could get him cheaper and the sales clerk said yes. So the man bought the bird and took him home, and everything was going great. THe bird was very intelligent and funny, and everday John and the bird would talk about their days, well one day John came home and aske dthe bird how his day was, and the bird said well this morning when the mailman came him and your wife started to tounge kiss, and then he started grabing your wifes breast and ass, and John said what else happened and the bird said damned if I know I got hard and fell off my perch!
Son: How did I come to the world?
Father (is surfing): I’ll explain it to you later.
Son: Why don’t you tell me right now?
Father (is thinking of a sorrow and sighing): All right! You listen to me very carefully…
“When your mom and your pa visited Internet together in the bedroom, your pa connected with your mom. Your pa uploaded some data from his “memory stick” to your mom. After your mom downloaded all stuff, she screamed that she had not installed any “Anti Virus”. And your pa had not installed any “Firewall” either. Both of us tried to delete the file and format the “hard disk” but found it’s too late.”
“Then, you appeared in the world after nine months.”
Sunday’s sermon was – Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. “Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” the minister asked. “I don’t have any.” She replied. smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-Eight.” She replied.
“Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world.” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived the Bitches.”
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store
was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
“Hello!” Her face was beaming.
He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever
having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had
made a mistake and apologized.
“Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I
thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out
of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is
the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep
track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. “I don’t remember her,” he thought
but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when
he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
“Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got
really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s
second grade teacher!”
There was a zebra that had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “hi, I’m a zebra!” What are you? “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?”
“I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little
white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.”
“Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.”
“Right, great, see you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow," said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”
Every time this couple made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years and a couple of kids the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device…a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”
Don’t interupt people
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother,
“Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane……..”
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story,
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Moral of this Story:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won’t take long.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I’m Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: You don’t love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.