My collection of sex jokes….some of it may had been psoted by bros in here, anyway pardon my ignorance….
Here it goes…
To PCC or Not…..
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,“He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?“He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
Need money ….
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.
Pencil Sharpener……
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
“Hey, bud, how are ya?”
“I’m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!”
“Well, I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot!
“No way, how could that be?”
“Way! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that’s not all, she can have sex, too!”
“Holy shit! You’re kidding, right?”
“No, she’s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her”
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”
The guy says, “Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!”
BJ????
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”
“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”
Trying to have sex……
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
“The secret to great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!”
Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight!” When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it’s a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can’t move.
It’s not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells “For God’s sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!”
caught daddy with another…….
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got
Big size !!!!
A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him. At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles. He says to her, “See this baby? This is a thousands pounds of dynamite.” He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs. He then says to her, “See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite.” When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door. Before she can get out he catches her and asks, “what’s wrong baby?” she then says, “with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!”
fantasy…..
Two perverts are watching a film in a movie theater.
When Julia Roberts appears on the screen, one pervert says to the other, “You know, I’ve had her three times.”
A Half hour goes by and Demi Moore is on the screen.
“You know, I’ve had her four times,” the first pervert says to the second pervert.
Soon, Sharon Stone appears on the screen. The second pervert turns and says to his pal, “I guess you had her too, huh?
“Be quiet, I’m having her now.”
First cum first served……
A waitress walking to a table in a restaurant sees 4 foreign businessmen, furiously jerking off. She takes their orders and before walking back she asks the businessmen: “gentlemen, may I ask you, why are you so frantically jerking off? "
The businessmen reply: “menu says: first come first served”
elephant trunk ???
A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis. The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis. One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend is amazed. “That’s incredible”, she says, “Can you do it again?” The man replies, “I’d love to, but I don’t think my butt can handle another bun right now”.