A nun and a priest are traveling across the desert on a camel but when they are halfway across the camel dies. After a while the nun turns to the priest and says, “Since we are obviously going to die here, maybe I can grant you a last request. Is there anything that as a man you have always wanted to do but that as a priest you haven’t been able?”
The priest thinks about this and says, “Well I’ve always wondered what a woman looks like naked.”
So the nun disrobes and explains what everything is.
Once the nun is dressed again the priest says to her, “Fair’s fair, is there anything that as a woman you have always wanted to do but that as a nun you haven’t been able?”
The nun replies, “Well I’ve always wondered what a man looks like naked.”
Well the priest, being a bit shy, disrobes rather slowly. He is just taking his pants down when the nun, who is a bit impatient, says, “Here, what’s that?”
The priest, all embarrassed and flustered replies, “That’s the er, the er, the giver of life.”
At which the nun jumps up and shouts, “Well what the heck are we doing sitting around here then? Hurry up and do something with that camel and let’s get out of here.”
Blind man…
One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy’s house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, “Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes. “The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. “Blind man,” the person answered. The girl said, “Hey, since he’s blind he can’t see us.” So she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, “Nice tits where do you want these blinds.”
A man was driving round a corner and was barely missed by a female driver coming the other way. She hung out of the window and shouted ‘PIG!!!’ in reply; the man shouted ‘bitch! They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death. Moral of the story: listen to women; they are always right.
TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.” The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. “Yes, Lily?”
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lily,” said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say “mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out”. So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until the point were he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, “What the hell do you think your doing”. “I’ve changed my mind I’m going to drown the bastard”!!!
An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller’s window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president’s secretary for an appointment for the lady.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. “Was it inherited?” he asked. “No,” she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
“I bet,” she offered. “As in horses?” “No,” she replied, “as in people”. Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, “I’ll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious—he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o’clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.
“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell you this,” he said, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer.” The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by
10am today I’d have the Chase Manhattan Bank’s president’s balls in my hand.”
During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.
The teacher asks the students:
“Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
“Just a minute, I have to go piss.”
“That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?”
“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”
" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after supper."
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we’re off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he’ll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
One day Confucious say…
…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
…he who masturbate, screw only himself!
…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!