A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife
came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told
him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and
away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and
dry and devoted his time to the new action. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious
behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what he had done.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll
tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met
Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening. But I’ll tell you…the guy that I loaned my costume to sure
had one hell of a time!”
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy’s room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
A little girl and he mother were taking a walk in the park when they stumbled on two dogs having sex. The little girl asked her mom. What are they doing? Not knowing what to say the mom quickly answers, they are baking a cake. The next morning the little girl walks up to her mom and says. Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing last night, the mom asks what?…. you two where baking a cake. The mom asks and how do you know? The little girl says cause I licked the icing off the couch.
Love suit
A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law’s house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! “Oh my gosh! Why aren’t you wearing anything?” exclaimed the mother-in-law. Very surprised, and shocked. “I’m wearing my love suit,” replied the daughter-in-law. “You are crazy!” yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left. A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn’t such a bad idea so, she decided to try it. In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, “My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!” She replied, “I’m wearing my love suit!” and he said, “Hmmm, it needs ironing!”
At a shoe store a salesman helps this woman to try on some shoes. As he lifts up her leg to put on the shoe, he can see downtown because she’s not wearing any panties. Risking his job the guy says, “I could eat that full of ice cream.” The woman gets all embarrassed, slaps the guy and runs out of the store. When she gets home she tells her husband to go beat that man up. Her husband says “First of all, you shouldn’t have been anywhere without any panties. Second, I don’t know what you were doing in there in the first place, because you have enough shoes as is. And thirdly, I’m not messing with anybody that eat that much ice cream.”
This Magpie supporter was feeling rather depressed after losing his job, ToonArmy season ticket and ability to have an erection. His wife said that he’d lose her too if he didn’t sort himself out.
After going to the doctor several times to remedy his impotence, without success, a friend suggested that he take a pill. “But I’ve tried Viagra!” he frowned. “This is better, you only take one pill - ever” boasted the friend.
They both went round to the friend’s house, where he kept the pills, and a pill was swallowed. He dropped his shorts and stared, “It isn’t working!” he complained after five minutes. “It will”, replied the friend,“You’ve not chanted the magic words yet”. “Which are…?!” he demanded. “HOWAY-THE-LADS!” answered the friend.
“HOWAY-THE-LADS!” he screamed and that very same second his penis became a rock solid 12". “WOW!” he exclaimed, “I can’t walk through the streets with THIS”.
His friend said “shush” and his erection went away. “Just chant “HOWAY-THE-LADS!” when you want an erection and say “shush” when you want it to go away”.
That night, after supper, he said to his wife “Come on, Pet, let’s have an early night - I have a surprise for you”.
Upstairs, just before they climbed into bed, he chanted “HOWAY-THE-LADS!”
Immediately, his wife said “shush, man, you’ll wake the kids”.
fireman bell……
This fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one we slide down the poll. Bell two we get dressed for the fire. Bell three we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say bell one you strip and when I say bell two we go to the bedroom and when I say bell three we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try. So the next night the husband comes home and yells bell one the wife strips then he yells bell two and they go back to the bedroom, he then yells bell three and they start having sex. Well a few minutes pass and the wife yells bell four. The husband asks what’s bell four and the wife says, “not enough hose to reach the fire.”
Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells her friend “shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers he always expects something from me”. Her friend says, “What’s wrong with that I think its sweet”. The girl says I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days”. Her friend replies: “Why don’t you just buy a vase”…
A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut “Where do you get all the money from?”
“That’s easy” replied the rich slut, “Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy.”
“Thanks says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can’t find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up. The two went back to the guy’s home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled “OW, my back! I’ll sue you for this!” The man replied “Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!”
The missionary is teaching the native chief English. As they walk through the jungle he points out various things and tells the chief its name in English… “VINE” umm… vine, repeats the chief…. “BUSH” says the missionary… bush echoes the chief…. “TREE” says the missionary…. tree says the chief… As they penetrate the dense jungle, they pull back the vines and there in a clearing, is a man and woman making love… The missionary is at a loss for words… How can he explain this to the chief? Finally he turns to the native and says…“MAN ON SLED”… The chief raises his spear and throws it at the couple… The spear strikes the man in the side and he rolls off the woman… dead! The missionary is shocked and appalled! “Why did you do that?” he cried………. “Man on MY sled” said the chief!