Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.”
Oh No Little Johnny
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.““Very good, William,” cooed the teacher. “My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.
And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.” The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?” “It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate; he tried everything but couldn’t get the too together. So he went to get some advise from a farmer who had the same problem. The farmer told him to put his hand up the cow’s pussy and then rub his hand around the bulls nose. He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it none- stopping. He went home and wondered if it would work on humans so he rubbed his hand around his wife’s pussy and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest bone ever so he woke his wife up and said look! She turned to him and said, “ You have just woken me up to show me you have a nose bleed?”
A fly is hovering 6 inches above a lake. In the lake is a salmon and the salmon thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches I can jump out and eat it”. Now on the edge of the lake there is a bear and the bear thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it then I can grab the salmon and eat it”. Just behind the bear is a hunter and the hunter thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the salmon and while it’s distracted I can shot it”. Behind the hunter is a mouse and the mouse thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shot it, drop his sandwiches and I’ve got my tea”, behind the mouse is a cat and the cat thinks, " If that fly drops 6 inches the salmon will jump out to get it then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shoot it, drop his sandwiches, the mouse will grab the sandwiches and while it’s distracted I can grab it and eat it". Just as the cat thinks this the fly drops 6 inches, the salmon jumps out, eats it then the bear eats the salmon the hunter shoots the bear, drops his sandwiches the mouse grabs the sandwiches and the cat pounces on the mouse but misses and falls in the lake. The morale of the story, “if a fly drops 6 inches you’ll end up with a wet pussy”
Question…
Q. What do a rubix cube and a dick have in common?
A. The longer you play with them the harder they get.
Q. Why are men smarter during sex?
A. Because they are plugged into a genious
Q:Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A:Because Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Q: What do you do with your asshole during wild sex?
A: Leave him home with the kids!!!!!
Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
Q. How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A. Wipe your penis on the curtains.
Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?
A little boy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him to ask his mother if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy asks his mother and she says she would. The boy tells his father she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The father then tells the boy to ask his sister if she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy asks his sister and she to says she would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. The boy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would give the mailman a blowjob for a million dollars. “Well, in theory we’re multimillionaires, but in reality we live with two cocksuckers” replies the father.
A boy comes home from school and says to his mom,” I lost my virginity today".
His mom replies angrily, “You tell your father about what you’ve done, when he gets home!” His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, “Good job son! How was it?
Then the son says, “It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts.”
A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn’t think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walks in. The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said “Jill.” “Well Jill, you have nice legs.”
So the guy named the restaurant “Jill’s Legs.” A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied: “I’m waiting for Jill’s Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat.”
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to
sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”
Linda told her friend.
That’s amazing!" Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of
going to a sex therapist” said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded
Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. “So, how did
the sex therapy work out, Linda?”
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a
physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could
help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and
buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the
floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every
grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his
tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our
sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment
with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed
the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is
nothing I can do for you,” he said.
But doctor,” Mary complained, “You did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you
give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to
stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of
Cheerios…”