Virgin….
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: “Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin”.
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned unopened”
alcohol test…
An old lady in a nursing home is tearing down the hall in her electric wheelchair when all of a sudden an old man jumps out of a room in front of her. He says ’ show me your license.’ so the woman pulls a lolly wrapper out of her handbag and gives it to the man. The old man checks the lolly wrapper and says ’ very well then, be on your way and don’t let me catch you speeding again.’ so the old lady goes off down the hallway again. A little while later the old lady is speeding again. Again she goes past a room and the old man jumps out in front of her. “Show me your registration papers” said the old man. This time the old lady pulls a shopper docket out of her bag and hands it to the old man. He checks it and then hands it back to her and says ‘very well. Be on your way and don’t let me catch you speeding again. The old lady puts the docket back in her bag and drives off. A little while later she is speeding again and as before the old man jumps out of a room in front of her. This time he is stark naked. The old woman takes one look at him and says “oh no, not the breathalyzer test again.”
hooker…
In Las Vegas, a man finds himself in a hotel; he didn’t want to be alone in the room, so he calls a hooker. The hooker arrived, the first thing that she said was “I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that’s for a hand job.” The hooker points out in the window, and pointing to an expansive Mercedes, and said, " see that? I own that because of what I can do with my hands."
He was surprised, but what the hell, he did it anyway, which turns out to be a fantastic blowjob. So he said, “How much do you get for pussy?” then the women replies “Do you see the hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!”
morning breakfast…..
An elderly couple was celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary. They came to the breakfast table naked, just like they had done on the morning that they were first married. “Grandma” told her hubby, " You know, this makes me feel all warm and tingly. " “Grandpa” replied . . . " No wonder! You have one tit in your oatmeal, and the other in your tea! "
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what happened….. can anyone tell me after reading this…….
There are 3 guys, we’ll call them Ethan, Webster, and Chris. Ethan walks up to the counter and says, “Yeah, I’d like to buy some condoms.” “What size?” the pharmacist asks. “Well, LARGE I presume.” The pharmacist says, “Well, go see Sophie in aisle four.” Ethan goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a handful and says “Oh! That’ll be a medium!” Ethan, a bit disgusted, goes to the counter and says, “Ya ya ya, whatever. Give me a medium.” And he walks out. In comes Webster. Webster goes to the counter and says, “I need some condoms.” “And what size?” the pharmacist asks. “I’ll take LARGE!” The pharmacist says, “Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back.” Webster goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a GREAT BIG handful and says “HO! That’ll be a Large!” Proud and happy, chest puffed out, Webster goes to the counter, gets his condoms and walks out. In comes Chris. He approaches the counter rather nervously. Scratching his head he asks, “Yeah, um, I uh, I need some condoms.” “CONDOMS?!” The pharmacist says sarcastically “Well, what size?!” Confused, Chris says “Gee, I uh, I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.” The pharmacist tells him, “Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back.” So ol’ Chris goes to Sophie in aisle four, Sophie reaches down, grabs a handful and says “CLEANUP, AISLE FOUR!”
condoms….
This man was in Australia during the Olympics and he walks in a store and finds Olympics condoms, they come in gold, silver and bronze. He buys some and brings them back to his wife that night. “Honey” the man, says “I bought some Olympic condoms today and I thought we’d try one tonight. So that night the woman asks, “So what color are you wearing?” He replies “Gold, of course” She say “oh, honey can’t you wear silver, it would be nice if you came second for once”
Best describles married man…..
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old
son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are
these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms,
son….Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy
pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are
there 3 in this package?” The Dad replies, “Those are for high school
boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says
the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for
college boys.” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO
for Sunday.” WOW!" exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..
3 phase of life….
Love, Lust, Married
Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room
Love- When intercourse is called making love
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids
Love- When you share everything you own
Lust- When you steal everything they own
Marriage- When the bank owns everything
Love- When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don’t climax
Marriage- When…. uh…. what’s a climax
Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought
Love- When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner
Lust- When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner
Marriage- When you’re only interested in your golf score
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex
Marriage- When a rainy day means it’s time to clean the basement
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and vaseline
Marriage- You only leave the house when you’re allowed
hahaha….
Erection ???
A young man with an impotency problem consults with a doctor. After several visits and nothing happening the doctor sends him to a hypnotist. The hypnotist puts the young man under and after giving him instructions awakens him. The hypnotist tells him when he says the words; one, two, three, he will have an erection. The young man asks him how to make the erection go down. The hypnotist says just say one, two, three, four and it will subside. There is just one side effect and that is you won’t be able to get an erection again for at least ten months. The young guy immediately goes to a bar and picks up a stunning young woman and they proceed to a hotel where he gets the very best suite for $200.00 a night and orders in champagne at $150.00 a bottle.
They proceed to get undressed and the excited young man says the magic words “one, two three. “Immediately he has an enormous erection, which the girl admires and asks him “why did you say one, two, three for?”
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man
replied. “And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,…….. “Those little bastards.”