Hi Kristin,
I am very sad that you have chose this path.
Nothing that I could say now could change the history.
I believe time would heal your wound but you must not forget that moment.
Treasure yourself from today onwards.
Work hard to seek higher your education to get better job.
And meet a better bf that is worthy of you.
Should you have a steady bf and planning to settle down, do share the burden with him. Do not carry this gulit on your own.
In this way, your baby would be always been remembered and be loved by you and your loved ones.
Pray for your child’s forgiven and treasure yourself in honouring your child.
Take good care of yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kristin18
K reappeared all of a sudden. Out of the blue, he liked one of my photos on Facebook. & it was the photo of me taken with a few kids (none of them my own, of course). Ever since we became friends on Facebook, there was never any interactions between us, except when I tagged him in a few party photos we took at the clubs. So I was obviously shocked when I saw that notification, but thought nothing of it anyway.
I closed my FB account since April 2010 and until today I did not make any presence of myself in this site. No regret till today. Even though I maybe friendless in my daily life I don’t complain. The only thing that I know is now friends eat friends. Not all but most.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kristin18
“90% done……. Just clearing the last bit & making sure that it is really empty…..”, said the doctor. The pain increased in intensity. I felt like I was gonna die. After what seemed like eternity, the machine was turned off. I felt the surgical instrument leave my vagina. The nurse put on a pad which seemed somewhat like a diaper for me & helped me up. I was giddy, in a daze, & very weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the surgical instruments used & the contents of the dustbin. Very bloody. Very disturbing.
I don’t know what your religion is. I have seen some Thai movies about aborted babies coming back to haunt their natural blood mothers. Sorry I dun mean to scare you but if you believe in karma you should consult some priest or monk on ways to cleanse your abortion sin. This is what I would do if I am you. And this is just a humble opinion from me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kristin18
That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends – nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.
There are many terms I would use; spare tyre, friends for benefits, selfish, useless, taking advantage, individualistic, etc. I had been there in your situation but my case was different. Unfortunately best friends can’t be really depended upon during your times in need, especially emergency and money related case. If you request there always will be excuses, and endless excuses. The worst is when they totally abandon and ignore you. That’s why I never bothered to have best friends after this. With or without friends are the same with me. And just because one has hundreds of friends in FB it does not mean all of them are real, genuine friends. There are cases where there are young adults getting suicide for real and even their FB friends could not save their lives. Well, that’s what Facebook friends are for, I think. Thank God you still alive today.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kristin18
I tossed & turned in pain for the next fifteen minutes before making my way downstairs, where I collapsed onto H. She asked me how was it, & I could only reply with one word: “pain”. I guess at that point I should have been relieved that it was all finally over & my life could finally go back to normal, but even though the foetus was no longer inside me, there was still a dull ache in my heart that hadn’t gone away……..
It will take some times to heal. I had been there as I had attempted suicide after broken up with my ex. If the doctor had not saved me I would have died already. Although as a guy I don’t fully understand how a pregnant lady feels, what I do know is this event may probably traumatize you for the rest of your life. Don’t you worry, you will recover someday. I am sure after this there are better things than partying and drinking? Why not get involved with new things like travelling, doing sports, yoga, cooking, etc? Good luck with your new choice and selection.
No amount of words can make you feel better and helped you in anyway I guessed. I experienced something different but having pain as the common point. This pain came from mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Waiting for death seem to be the only thing that I actually hoped for everyday the moment I opened my eyes.
Somehow I managed to pull myself up and continued life. I kept those memories to remind me that I was once weak and foolish. I have realized that the only way to improve life is by staying alive. As long as I get to breath, I will retaliate whenever possible.
Do you think it will be better to keep those who have hurt you as far away as possible? If you are able to write it out, I believed that you have already got into recovery mode. Stay away from those who caused hurt as they will hinder your progress and never locked yourself away from those who cared for you.
Love is the better medicine for all wounds.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
<<totally>>
Love is the better medicine for all wounds.
*hugz* *hugz*
Comforting words wouldnt be able to help but I hope a hug will make you feel better
*hugs*
And to those who add salt into her wound, dont farking tell me that you have never made a mistake. Shes brave enough to go through it. Just keep your comments to yourself
Again, thanks for all the kind comments & PMs. Don’t understand why there are still people who PM me asking me to go out for drinks though. =/
Well, it’s been some time since the surgery. To say I have not been haunted by that incident would be a lie. I’ve had bad days where I imagine how I would be had I not aborted my baby. I still keep the picture of my ultrasound scan. Sometimes I look at it & wonder how my baby would look like. The scan was taken at eight weeks & by then, the foetus had already been formed.
My heart still aches sometimes & the guilt has never really left me. I’ve read that some people don’t suffer from the guilt at all. But I do. I have said this many times but it’s true that by nine weeks I’d already developed a strong connection with my baby. If I had the means to support my baby, I would have. But as it is, I am already struggling to make ends meet. I can’t possibly bring my baby into this world to suffer with me. Some may question if it is fair that I don’t even give my baby a chance to see the world. Some may argue that perhaps keeping my baby would have brightened up my life, even though I may have to struggle even more financially. Some may say that I’m too selfish, that I only think for myself & not for that life inside of me.
But what’s done is done. I have paid the price for a crazy lifestyle I led. Till date all of this still feels sort of surreal. The kind of things that only happen in stories & movies. The kind of things you hear about on the streets. The “my friend’s friend” kind of stories. I still can’t believe it’s happened to me.
The other day a friend of mine bumped into K (they knew each other through me). K wanted to meet up with me. I told my friend there was no way I was going to meet K anymore. Can’t believe K had the audacity to tell me to meet up with him. He must have been out of his mind. I don’t know if I can find it in me to forgive him, but I sure hope that someday I will find the strength to do so.
Really touched by all the encouraging comments. I know I say this in every post but I never thought I’d be able to find solace in a sex forum but it’s heartwarming to see that there are so many forumers who have so much care & concern to offer. Thank you all so much. Believe it or not, I read my PMs & the words of encouragement posted in this thread regularly, especially so when I think about my baby & am feeling down. I don’t delete any of my PMs. Reading them always warms my heart over & over again. =)
Some updates on what’s been happening:
Sometime back I attended a friend’s birthday gathering at one of the clubs. I thought I was safe since that club wasn’t one of K’s regular haunts. Little did I expect to see him there. This was the first time I’d seen him in months. Almost half a year, I think. The moment I saw him I was too stunned to react. I don’t know if what happened after that was because of the alcohol but I threw myself at him & gave him a hug. He hugged me back as well, but there was some sort of uncertainty in his eyes. I don’t know exactly what look it was, but it sure didn’t seem that he was unhappy to see me. I think he expected me to hate him & beat him up when I saw him……. But strangely I didn’t feel that way. All I can say is I immediately thought of my baby, our baby, & there was an unexplainable discomfort in my heart.
I needed some fresh air so I stepped out for a smoke. Tears welled up in my eyes. I really cannot explain in words why I felt this way. Maybe seeing him reminded me of what had happened, seeing him brought back the pain of having to kill my child, our child. Or maybe it’s something else, but I just can’t put into words the reason for the ache that coursed through my body. Did I miss him? I don’t know. But I think I’d developed some feelings for him solely because of the baby. Solely because the baby that grew inside me for two months was a product of him & me. Does this make sense? Oh god. I don’t think I’m making any sense. In any case, it hurt like fuck. It hurt like fuck for the whole night. Forgive me for I cannot explain well the strange feeling that overcame me when I saw K…….
I took a deep breath & told myself to bravely face up to it. This was the first step I had to take in order to move on. I went back in. K & I caught up for a bit. We asked each other about our lives, but it was awkward in a way. We had to avoid that topic that I’m sure was on both our minds the whole time. I’d like to think that we were both sad & sorry about what happened.
When I was about to leave, I told K that I was going off soon & told him to take care. We embraced each other again & K told me, “what’s passed is past. Let’s put it all behind us. From now on, we’re friends, yes?” I smiled & nodded my head. I didn’t know how I felt then. I didn’t know how to feel.
For those who are wondering, yes, I still do think of my baby. More often than I would wish to. I’m still haunted by the guilt at times & as I’m typing this, there’s a dull ache in my heart & a lump in my throat. I don’t know how long it will take for me to completely recover from this emotionally, but I know that even if I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, I truly deserve it. =(
It’s been a long time since I logged into the forum, & I’m glad to still see very kind messages in my inbox. Every time I log into the forum I anticipate reading the nice messages left behind by some very kind bros out here. =)
Hmm…… Just a short update on what’s been happening.
According to K’s Facebook, he is now in a relationship & also has a newborn daughter
donno how this sounds to you guys but it sure sounds like a mess to me
anyway, not that it bothered me much, though I did think that it wasn’t fair that he did the same thing to someone else but that someone else got the chance to keep his baby while I didn’t.
I still keep the photo of my foetus’ ultrasound scan in my wallet. I bring it around with me wherever I go. 3 of my closest girlfriends know about this incident & when I show them the photo from time to time, the first question they ask me is “throw away already lah, why you still keep?”
Honestly, I donno how to answer them. I think this is sth they really cannot understand. Even IF I do throw the photo away (which will probably never happen), I am not able to erase the memory from my mind. & besides, the photo is the only thing I have left of my very first child. The child that I unfortunately couldn’t keep. If I had kept my baby, I would be 6 months pregnant now, & would soon be entering my 3rd trimester. I can’t say I have completely let go coz I know there is still a wound in my heart that’s yet to heal. In a way I still feel like there’s a part of me missing, that the day I went for the surgery was the day I had a part of me removed. Nothing’s the same anymore. Babies & pregnancies are now a sensitive topic to me.
I donno if my future partner will be able to accept this part of my past. I know I could just tell him that I aborted my ex bf’s baby because we were just too young at that time. I know I don’t have to tell him the exact truth that the baby was a product of a ONS. To me, it’s a harmless white lie coz to be honest, I don’t think any sane guy would be able to accept the truth if I presented it as it really is.
& the worst thing is I am afraid that it may be difficult for me to give birth again in future.
As for K, I can’t say I still hate him. I donno how I feel towards him now. Maybe a part of me has forgiven him but a part of me still holds a grudge towards him. I know it is better for me to let go – not just of my grudge towards him, but rather to let go of everything related to this incident – but it’s really easier said than done. I’ve tried to move on but I can’t help thinking of this incident from time to time.
Moving on is really not easy. It’s been 4 months since the surgery. Somehow I still wish that things had turned out differently.
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Edit: Call this a coincidence or what, but 34 minutes ago, K just posted 7 photos of his newborn baby. I think the baby was just born today. My heart feels a little sour and uneasy after seeing the photos.