He brought me to my ever first swinging date. The other couple was a dark spanish dude and his lover, a married Singaporean lady who held a high position in some company. She was a fun person! When I walked into the apartment, she was in her bra and denim skirt, a glass of wine in hand, dancing to some music. The first time she saw me, she said: “She’s wearing a push up bra.” Hahahahaha. I got naked and danced with her when I learned that she’s bisexual. I think she might have taken a liking to me? As the swinging was rather…..meh? The guys would just fucked and played a bit before heading to the kitchen to drink wine and talked business. I stayed in the bedroom with her, where we would kissed and she’ll fucked me with a vibrator until I came. She was very excited at the fact that she made me cummed.
She asked me for my number as she would like to see me again, maybe bring me to a certain club for a fun time. Wanna know what’s the twist of this story? I sent Tom to prison with a help of a friend. Tom was trying to get me to sign a bunch of mobile contracts so he could sell the phones. He asked me if I have any friends who would be willing to do this so I told him I’ll ask around. I told my friend what was going on, together we thought of a plan to get back at him. I brought her to meet him, that very same day, she signed a contract for an Iphone. After he took the phone and left, we both went to the nearby police station and lodged a report against him.
Her case was she got cheated by him to signed a contract and she regretted it. She is scared her mother will reprimand her. I reported the same situation as her except I kept all of the emails and text messages he sent me, I even kept all the receipts from the atm where I transferred him the money. I told them how he would scare me to sell my body so he could get money. My friend’s mother found out about it, rushed to the station to try and get Tom to return the Iphone. She was furious, saying something like how an adult could try and cheat innocent students who don’t know much about life. The police told her they can’t really do much unless she wants to go to court which she did. She took Tom to court. (extra years) I’m very thankful to have this friend of mine to help me out and her mother too.
I’m not gonna elaborate. It was a rather shitty experience. I didn’t get any money back but….at least I got him into shit. You think that was the last shitty thing I got in? Nope. Hahahaha.
Let me introduce you to Jay. Jay Lian to be exact. I do not know if it’s his real name or not. Most likely a fake. His introduction was good, a singaporean based in Australia working for some sound studio. We never met up, only communicated thru emails and skype. He always have a bunch of reasons and excuses to not meeting up. We would chat dirty and he even got me to turn on the webcam and show him my boobs. I did a lot of strip cams and he also asked me for naughty pictures and so on. I got a feel that he was just another fucker so I gradually stopped responding to him until he sent me an email asking me to be his girlfriend. I must admit, I had a bit of feelings for him but I still ended things on a bad note with him. The last time I’ve spoken to him was in 2013, where my ex-boyfriend pretended to be me and conversed with him.
From a mature educated guy his replies eventually got more and more basic Singaporean guy ever since I told him that I’m no longer playing with his lies. I think he might have sent my private pictures for him to a few or a number of guys. I’m not too sure BUT if you ever come across a pic where the girl has a hello kitty plush doll covering her crotch, high probability that it’s mine. I knew because a guy once approached me on a dating app saying that he has that particular pictures of mine.
So, if you used to be Jay Lian (judasdurian) or pretended to be, Hello ~ How are ya? I hope you still remember this stupid girl whom you cheated and strung along. Hahahaha. I never forgotten you and I still have all of the emails. It was a long yet good lesson learnt. I can’t deny that due to bad experiences like this, I never had a good impressions of guys from then (along with other factors). Then again, it was my own fault anyway. I should have been more cautious.
I don’t think I’m an ah lian anymore. I’m more well-mannered and maybe even classy(
) now, but i’ve always have been well-mannered. LOL!
I’ve actually gotten a lot of comments from most guys I met, the usual: “Are you local? You don’t look chinese? Are you mixed?” etc. When I told them that I’m half-thai back in the days, the guys would get so excited and shit. Then I will tell them that I’m a ladyboy and I used to be able to do a good/convincing ladyboy accent. Most of them fell for it and stopped talking to me. Hahahahaha.
Sorry if i’ve been silent for a bit, I had to get a new keyboard and it’s in the azerty layout. I haven’t gotten used to it yet.
Now that we’ve got the bad experiences out of the way, it’s time for all the good daddies I’ve met!
I forgot his name but he has the look of a Calvin. So let’s call him Calvin. Well, I call them daddy anyway so what’s the point of me knowing and memorizing their names? Your average nerd, a bit buff and doing IT. He came to look for me only after midnight and we’ll go to some nearby carparks for car sex. It’s like his thing. He’ll drive and park at the basement, we’ll go to the backseats and start playing. He’s quite tall so it wasn’t that comfortable for him but he made it work. We’ll kiss while he starts stripping me and playing with my boobs. His dick is average, shaven but his balls. Wow. They’re the saggiest scrotum I’ve ever seen in my whole life and I’ve seen a lot of balls.
It wasn’t a bad thing cause when he doggied me, his balls will be slapping my pussy while he thrust his dick into me and that turned me on so so much. I would be so wet that he’ll slip out often due to how wet and slippery my pussy was. He’s a very nice daddy.
The second daddy I had was a lawyer for Razor. A very buff, tall ABC. We would meet for dinner and movies. He must be quite a shy dude as he’ll secretly try to hold my hands inside the movies. The most we ever did was just making out in the car when he drives me home.
The third…hmm, honestly wasn’t a good fuck. I’ll rank him below average. I would suck him off as he drives but he would always pull me off as he didn’t want to cum yet. He couldn’t really control it and he’s a fast cummer. He cums too easily and whenever he does that, he always feel so sorry and compensate me by giving more money.
The fourth guy was not bad, despite having bad money management and debt, he was quite generous. Single, a bit balding, in his late thirties. He would drive me to places to eat and play. He would even buy me little gifts often, he knows that I have a sweet tooth so he always try to have cakes in the car whenever he picks me up. He would take me on trips to JB often. There was once where he booked like a 3 days 2 nights stay at a resort in Pulau Ubin just because I wanted to visit and cycle over there. He even let me bring a friend to come along too, so I would have someone to play with and not be bored. Every meal we had there was a seafood feast.
We had a good relationship but I find that he wanted me more for the companionship. Cuddling and just watching whatever movies he puts on. Slowly, he started telling me that he likes me more and he wanted me to be his girlfriend instead. It didn’t work out cause I was starting to prepare to further my education. I told him that if he wanted a relationship with me, perhaps he should get himself out of debt first so he could live a proper life?
I mean, if I date a person, I would like to grow and mature together. We should have a common goal together. Appearance and age doesn’t matter to me at all. I don’t need you to be wealthy, as long as you can sustain yourself, I don’t give a flying fuck to what career you have. I don’t live that opulent lifestyle and I hope my partner wouldn’t be into that kind of lifestyle too. I just want you to be comfortable with yourself. Ah, but that’s the me now lah, all grown up and matured. Back then, I was more ‘realistic’ like your basic singaporean girl. Must have all the 5C nonsense, hahaha, heavily influenced by the female friends I had.
So I told him to settle his shits. The last I’ve spoken to him, he managed to clear a majority of his debt and he was into playing mahjongs. Who knows how much he won and lost.
He couldn’t satisfy my sexual urges tho.
My appetite grew and became more voracious as I mature into a woman. I still remembered we were parked somewhere dark near the LCK cemeteries. We were at the back and I was riding him, I was fully naked, moaning as he kisses my boobs. He had already came once but I didn’t let him go and just rode him instead. I had an orgasm and that got my loins burning like crazy. I started to go harder and quicker, moving back and forth on his dick. He came but I wasn’t satisfied. “More, more….” I pant and said to him but he replied in shock: “Huh,可是baby我已经来两次liao.” I was disappointed. Very disappointed.
The last sugar daddy I had before I went to further my education was Patrick. He was a married men in his late 40s with kids. He had those standard ah beng back tattoos and on his shoulders as well. We met thru Locanto in one of the ads I posted. We converse thru email which then proceed to texting on the phone. I can’t recall what he was working as but he was very very generous. Can say that a quarter of my total study expenses comes from him? We met up for a casual drink first where he told me about himself, how he used to be in a gang etc. He was also missing his big toe due to a work accident.
He would take me out shopping. At that point, J-pop was like very in or was it the taiwan pop singers? Can’t be too sure I’m not a fan of mandarin songs. I was starting to get into the whole japanese gyaru style and you know how expensive japanese clothes can get. I went on a shopping spree, shoes, clothes, cosmetics, bags. I got whatever I wanted. He even got me a new mobile phone along with some jewelries.
Sex with him was…..erm, bearable? Can’t complain but man, he has some serious armpits odor. So I had to held my breath every time my face was near his armpits or around that area. He preferred missionary, either with my legs up and over his shoulders or legs behind my head. I was very flexible back then. Now ah ma old liao, not that flexible anymore. Hahahahahaha. He used to take me to D’Kranji Farm resort. There’s like the so called outdoor shower and bathtub, where we would fucked while showering. He was always very excited at that.
I know it was supposed to be an exclusive relationship but…I actually did went to I can’t remember what site it was..perhaps Tagged, where I met the 18 something gang ah beng. Hahahaha. Yeah, I met up with guys but I didn’t bed any of them while I was with Patrick. Nothing happened between me and this ah beng, yet. Soon, okay, soon. Patrick called the relationship off due to some disagreements and I went off on my own merry way to get my degree.
So yeah, that’s it for my sugaring adventures?
I must confessed that I did something horrible while on my sugaring adventures. I was looking for a new daddy when my friend told me of this little trend where girls will sell their virginity online. I don’t know how many times she did it but I was curious and wanted to try it out. Plus the payout was just too tempting like a couple of thousands. So I went on to the wondeful Locanto, posted my ad selling my ‘virginity’ and wanting to know how sex felt like.
Now, there’s a trick to this. Come, I teach you. Girls, if you want to do this, make sure you are on the first few days of your period when it isn’t too heavy. Light flow is best. Every guy will tell you that they know how to check for the hymen which is plain fucking bullshit. They will bring what torchlight etc, useless. Go google if you want to know why. What they will do is check whether you are tight or not by sticking their finger in you. So make sure to clench your pussy as tight and as hard as you can. This is where your acting comes in. Make sure you tremble and ‘shiver’ (turn the air-conditioner temperature lower etc) to make it appear that you’re nervous and frighten by the whole thing. Whimper a little and start to get a bit teary eyed when he stick his finger inside to ‘check’.
When they strip you or ask you to remove your clothes, don’t look at them but don’t hesitate also. Make them think that you are willing and can’t wait for it even tho you are nervous and shy, as expected, since it’s your first time. When they start to enter you slowly, depending on the kind of guy your with, you can either pretend to cry out in pain or try and fight back by trying to push him off you. As long as you start to say: “It hurts, very pain etc” Trust me, the guys get high off of this shit. Knowing that they took your ‘virginity’. Of course this really all depends on the guys you are with. Most men would expect you to hurt, some is hurt for a while, the other is hurt like a motherfucker even tho scientifically most of the first time sex doesn’t hurt at all.
Again, if you would like to read up more, please head to google. Google is your best friend. So based your act on the guy you are with. The guys who are doing it for the first time, you can go all out unless he tells you that he did his research etc. Most doesn’t so do try and get as much information as you can about the guy and his understanding of the hymen/female virginity. You want to tear up a bit or cry while he is inside you also can. Some would then starts to fuck you like a rabbit, don’t care about your comfort while most of them would get you to relax so you wouldn’t tense up. They will mostly try to turn you on and get you wet so it would be easier to penetrate but remember, as long as they start to put their dick inside you, clench your pussy as hard as you can.
Don’t lax your muscle immediately tho. If not the guy will be like: “knn, go in so tight then why now suddenly no more tight tight liao?” You are a virgin, it’s your first time having and taking a dick so your pussy should be tight. Try to keep your muscles clench, if you do Kegel, this should be easier for you. They will tell you to relax, to try and feel/enjoy the feeling as the pain will soon go away. You can moan a little but softly with a few pants here and there. They will try to get you to orgasm and when you do or at least pretend to, make sure to be amazed/bewildered by the sensations you’re having. Tremble while having an ‘orgasm’ is basically up to you cause some don’t tremble when they are cumming.
Most of the time the guy will do it raw and when he is done/cum outside of you, his dick would be wet and slimy from the mix of period blood and etc. If they put a towel underneath you, depending on how vigorous the sex was, the towel should be stained with a few blood and wetness concoction. When a hymen is torn, there shouldn’t be too much blood mostly small amount unless otherwise. So don’t do it when you’re having a heavy flow. Later you scare the guy, how? He will think that his dick probably cut something inside you or the sex was too rough and mess something up which makes you bleed so much. Hahahahaha. After that, wash and clean yourself up. Answer/entertain them with whatever questions they have. Like whether it hurts or was it good etc. You can then go home with a fat purse.
When I did it and I only done it once, it was a swedish guy who bought my virginity. Short hair with glasses, fit and tall. He told me that he knows how to check for the hymen as this isn’t his first time. He watched me shower and then proceed to ‘checked’ my hymen. I clenched my pussy when his fingered entered and whimpered a bit as he took his finger out, it was slightly covered in blood. He undressed and began to get me to relax, touching my body, fondling with my boobs and playing with my labia. I was wet and he started to enter me. I pretended to cry out in pain, telling him: “No no no, I don’t want this anymore, it hurts too much…please take it out…” while I covered my face and forced myself to cry.
He told me to relax and said the pain would last a little and after that I should start to enjoy it. I would moan here and there, pant a little, or cover my mouth to muffled my sounds while a few tears streaked down my face. He continued humping me until he took his dick out and came all over my tummy. I was even given a lil extra at the end of the exchange.
You know what I think? Knows how to check for hymen my ass. 老娘used period blood and pussy muscle to cheat you, you also don’t know. LOL, stupid.
I’ll be happy to answer any of your questions if you have, of course you don’t be a cb lah, ask me stupid things. Cause I’ve gotten a few stupid questions from the guys in here.
I didn’t fully mature and realize until perhaps 2 years before I left Singapore? So that’s like 6 years ago. With a few help here and there from a very important person to me. Even though some times he might be wrong but I’m very thankful to had him guide me.
Materialism wasn’t really my thing but when I was trying to fit in or even be a friend to the countless female friends I had. It seems everyone has to at least flaunt the items, trips, meals their boyfriend would get for them. My thoughts and view on love became: “If you really love me, you would spend for me.” I was wrong and I found that out thru a hard way, multiple hard ways to be exact. A healthy relationship is about give and take, both putting in the same amount of efforts. I took sometime off, to focus on loving me and to finally be able to come to terms that I’m different, I’ll always be different. I can’t expect the same from everyone and if I do not like others to expect shits from me, why and who am I to do the same to them?
I’ve decided to write something short for this particular friend, Andy, since he’s been kinda bugging me to write something about him. Stupid poof. *cough cough*
I knew him thru a forum, well actually more like I was warned about him from others. Who told me not to be involved with him and stay clear from him. (I’ll talk more about the forum next time.) I didn’t approached him yet I got his pm one day, he seems to be alright, quite educated, not bad of a guy. I did not exactly meet up with him until some time later.
He was a very interesting character, his sexual experiences beats mine, hands down. I think I met him thru a few outings from the forum, which I rarely participate. I think it was an outing to sentosa, me, another couple and a few guys. Nothing indecent, just pure casual fun like suntanning etc. He had a few conflicts with the other forum members, notably Skye who also went to this outing. The incident between them left quite a huge impact on me among other reasons that I chose to just quit the forum altogether.
Hi Skye, how have you been? I think the last we spoken was what, 4 years ago? I do not know why but somehow your erm….encounters somehow gets spread around and I’ll always hear about it from others. It’s a bit creepy lah. Somehow your taste never change? Still going for the bbw/chubby chicks. I still remember the thread where all of you trashed talked about me and a few others. Do I still bear grudges against that? Who knows.
Andy was into swinging and I’ve heard a lot from him. Sometimes he would even share pictures with me. I won’t elaborate but if you want to know more, go ask him yourself. You’ll actually be surprised how often he went swinging with other couples despite being a single male. Even when he was studying in the UK, he still havoc. Tsk tsk. I received a lot of angmoh dicks and pussies pictures on my phone from him. Hahahahahaha.
I still remembered he asked me to help him organized his 21st birthday outing at a bar, helped him be his wingman. Cb, that was the worst/strange night ever. Firstly, he drank far too much. Puked everywhere, even on my new pair of shoes. I had to snatched a cab from others to get his then-girlfriend back home. When the outing was over, me and a few others had to support him/get him off the streets and into a cab. Knn, you try fight for a cab among a crowd and see how it’s like. The others told me to just leave him there alone but I can’t do it. See, how good I treat you even when you hoes before bros me. Once we managed to get him into a cab, this middle aged guy flagged us a cab and brought me and a few other guys to fucking Hotel 81.
We were dumbfounded. He told us we were gonna go chill and chat. I lied saying that I didn’t have my IC with me. Hahahahahaha. I left immediately after that. Siao ah, you think I will still stay when I am not interested? Walao, you anyhow planned an impromptu gangbang at least have the fucking decency to ask first.
That night, Andy also introduced me to….David. I won’t write about him yet but the running joke between us is that we might probably need Gongtao Helpdesk. As for who needs the help, you guys figure out. You can find the answers later. Andy was also the one who introduced me to HOS (I don’t chat) but inside very boring leh. I wanted to go see the nasi lemak but…..gone liao.
Okay lah, that’s all I’m gonna write about you. Don’t bugged me anymore. I won’t write too much and no personal details too cause…what’s there to write about annit? It’s better for you to write your own story. My only wish is that when you get married, either to a ladyboy or a normal girl, please give me big angpow for counseling fees .
Valentine’s day is coming up so here’s a love story that changed my life and views forever. Nonetheless, I still very much believe in love, all sorts of love, despite the shit that happened to me. Sorry but this is a rather long read, so I apologized in advance especially if it bummed some of you out which I highly think it would. Again, I apologized that this isn’t a sexy story.
Early 2012, in my early twenties, I chopped off my long hair into a short bob. I still remembered I was with a bunch of female friends having fun at one of the KTV outlets. I met a guy thru Tagged. At the time, I was staying with a trusted friend of mine since my mother kicked me out of the house. I won’t elaborate on what happened, I can only say that we just don’t see eye to eye on many things or perhaps I’m just a very disgraceful daughter who could not be compared to her son? Hahaha. This guy looked alright, drives a bike, seems decent enough. We agreed to meet up near the place I was staying at.
Let’s call this guy Cb Kia, later you’ll know why I named him this. First impression, he was alright, a bit quiet and a heavy smoker. We shared a meal together, he walked me back to the flat I was staying. He kissed me suddenly when we were inside the lift and things just go from there. We got to the flat, no one was in, we made out and had sex in the living room. After the deed was done, he lounged around for a bit before making his way home. In my mind, I was telling myself: ‘Aiyah, just take this as a ONS lah. Since he doesn’t seem to be interested in dating me, no big deal.’ I was wrong, to my surprise, he actually kept in contact with me after that and we started dating.
The first couple of months was alright, nothing big happened except my dad came to get me back home. I even introduced him to my father. He was the first guy I dated to bring home to my parents. You know how last time there was this stupid monthsary shit? Something about celebrating every month or every three months of the relationship? I don’t know who nor how it started but my friends were doing it and I thought: ‘Ah, since I’m in a relationship with him now, maybe I should also do the same thing?’ So I got him a little present along with a handwritten card etc. I waited until he finished work and went over to his place to surprise him.
He wasn’t pleased. (
Red Flag 1
) He told me to go home immediately, he doesn’t want anyone to see me when previously it was fine for me to come over to meet him. I was really upset at his behaviors that I cried while I made my way home. I didn’t understand what was going on. Everything was fine up till now, what went wrong? I was mad too, like what the fuck? I’m trying to show you my appreciation for you and this is the shit I get? He apologized to me but told me that I shouldn’t come around his place as he didn’t want people to know or see. I argued with him over that, like….being seen with me is disgraceful? Or is it because I’m not pretty enough?
He gave me some excuse but overall putting it as my fault. Fine, I didn’t want to continue arguing and perhaps maybe it really was my fault to show up unannounced. I put this behind me and our relationship resumed normally. I introduced him to my friends. This group of friends that I grew up with and remained extremely close to for over 10 years. They’re weren’t happy. They didn’t like him at all. Perhaps I should say they didn’t like the fact that I was dating someone. After years of looking back, thinking thru and analyzing the situations. I was always there to root for them when they got into a relationship, supporting them and giving them my thoughts and advice. Even if they cancel on me last minute because they would rather go be with their dates, I don’t complain.
So when I saw how they reacted, I was really hurt by it. ‘How come it’s okay for you guys to date and shit but when I want to date suddenly got so many fucking problems? I was always there for you whenever you needed help, no matter what time it was, no matter how late or early, I would always be the first one there for you. I always supported you no matter what you do, even if you , I don’t give you shit. So why can’t you do the same for me?’
Not to mentioned there was this female friend of mine who seems to not like me? She would always try to sabotage any budding romantic relationship I have with any guys. I don’t know what her issue is and I really can’t be fuck with it anymore. Since her marriage life now is also….shit. What comes around goes around, I guess? They cut me off, literally cut all ties with me. When we see each other around the neighborhood or at the nearby shopping mall, I would always smile at them but they’ll pretend to not know me or just pretend that I don’t exist. That hurts a lot.
Cb kia told me it’s fine. I can always make new friends since this group of friends don’t know how to appreciate me, others will plus I have him, who loves me. So I shouldn’t be upset over it. I was working and he told me to stopped working altogether. (
Red Flag 2
) He could support me and I could just stay home. After repeated discussions, I agreed to it. Since he said as a man, it is his job to support his girlfriend. He moved in with me at my parent’s, so everyday I would just be cooking meals for him when he gets back from work. Among all the aspirations I had as a childhood, being a housewife was one of them and now I have a chance to fulfill it.
I still had my group of female friends that I made when I was in ITE. I would sometimes, in rare chances, meet up with them to catch up on our lives. I couldn’t meet them as much anymore since Cb kia doesn’t seem to like it when I go out without him. They were rather gossipy, speculating that perhaps I was pregnant and such. I didn’t fully trust them. He would complained about how I would potentially go out to flirt/meet with other guys. He told me why do I need friends when I already have him? (
Red Flag 3
) I tried to reasoned with him that I like my freedom. I don’t restrict him in anything he does, so why is he restricting me? Soon it turned into a quarrel, with him accusing me of flirting with other guys when in actual fact, I just can’t really get along with girls as easily as I get along with guys. The quarreling got so bad that he slapped me across my face.
I was shocked/flabbergasted/speechless. This was the first time he has ever laid his hands on me. I told him to get lost, get the fuck away from me and get out of my house. I locked myself up in my room crying while he profusely knocked on my door, begging me to forgive him. He told me that he was sorry, he just love me too much and didn’t want other guys to take me away. Back then my views on love was: If I love you, I accept everything about you. Be it good or bad, I still love you and your flaws. He was on his knees begging for my forgiveness, my heart softened and I forgave him.
I was wrong. Dead fucking wrong. It was just a start to a never-ending torture. (
You must be wondering why right despite so many red flags? Cause I was young and dumb, plus this was my first serious relationship.
) He kept telling me:“打是爱 骂是疼” So I kept having this in my mind. Anytime I did anything to displease him, he would slap me or beat me up. I would cry and tell myself, this isn’t right, a relationship shouldn’t be like this. Ah but he loves me. He is doing this to me just to help me because I made a mistake. Stockholm syndrome. Our relationship progressively got worse. He would start blaming me for not working. He would talked to others about how fat and lazy I was. Many times, I saw his conversation with others. They would question why is he with someone like me who is fat and ugly? I still remembered this incident where I answered a text from his friend because I was just fooling around with Cb kia’s phone. He let me answered it and I stated that I was his girlfriend who’s answering him. His friend replied: “You are so insecure to even be looking thru your bf’s phone. You should have trust in him if you love him.”
Cb kia told me not to think so much about it but on the inside, a bunch of emotions was stirring. I started to questioned myself. Don’t I give him enough trust? I never questioned where he goes or does even when I know full well that he was flirting behind my back with another girl? I started to feel that why am I getting all these shit? What did I do to deserved this? I started to rebelled against Cb kia and lost horribly. I got beaten up so badly, and there was once, he almost smashed my head with his bike helmet due to some disagreement. It was late in the night, my father looked out of the window and saw him hitting me and shouted: “What do you think you’re doing to my daughter?!”
I went home and my father asked me what had happened. I made some excuses because I didn’t want him to worry too much. I could handle it myself. My father taught me to be independent ever since I was in primary school. So I should deal with the problems myself. My mother merely told me to have some consideration for her and my brother as she needed to work and my brother has school in the morning. Cb kia made me felt as if I was some worthless garbage. He would always put me down. Every time we argue, he would beat me up. Countless of times, he would hit and kick me.
Once, he slapped me so much that he pushed me, grabbed my head and smashed my head into a wall.
One time, we argued in a cab going to his place, we got out and he started kicking and hitting me. I was crying and running away from him, I went towards a bus stop where there was people waiting for buses. He caught up with me, slapped and punched me in the face. My nose started bleeding and he pushed me down towards the ground and kicked me. No one bothered to help me. I remember looking at them, with tears in my eye but everyone was just looking at me getting beaten up. I got up and just walked away, crying. My nose was bleeding, my left was hurting so much, my body was in a lot of pain. My arms and legs were covered in bruises. I just kept walking while he followed behind me asking me to stop and that he was sorry. I don’t know where I was heading, all I had in my mind was…death. I just wanted to die. Perhaps like this the pain would stop. Humanity is fucking shit. Singaporeans are fucking shit, they’re heartless bastards. I don’t even care if anyone saw how beat up I was, I just wanted to find a place and die.
I got too tired to walk eventually, I was around some army camp. He came to me, hugged me, told me he was sorry but I shouldn’t have pissed him off. It was late in the night, he took me home. When his mother saw me, she was shocked. I went to the bathroom to wash my face but I broke down when I saw my face in the mirror. My left eye was completely bruised, cuts on my nose etc. I just couldn’t understand why am I getting this. I was crying inside the bathroom where I heard his mom, loud and clear, told him: “Why you beat her face? You want to beat, you just beat her body where nobody could see.” This, ladies and gentlemen, was coming out of a strict religious christian woman. She doesn’t have a good impression of me as my mom’s a Thai and if I ever marry her son, I could not wear white because I’m not a virgin. She drove me home instead of bringing me to see a doctor.
I hid myself inside my room. Crying and asking myself over and over, is this how my life’s supposed to be? Right in front of my room’s windows was a ledge, where I stood many many nights, thinking if I should just jump. Sometimes I’ll even just sit on the window sill, dangling my legs over. Lucky for me, there was nothing in front my block except for the road. So no one ever caught me doing this. Cb kia did nothing, he only handed me panadols when he came to see me. I told him that I was done, I want a break up. He treated me like shit, making me feel as if i’m not worth anything. I had no friends anymore. Besides, he was flirting and cheating on me behind my back. I’m tired. He disagreed but after a lot of persuasion he agreed to take a break. I found myself so weak. I even let some girl that he was flirting with to bully me.
During this ‘break’ I just stayed home and hid myself inside my room. I had no one to talk to and this is when I managed to make a new friend on Facebook. She was nice, funny etc. I did not told her about the abuse to the full extend but she knew that I got beaten up badly. We met up and I thought to myself, she’s such a fun person! Despite being on the heavier side, she’s getting all the dicks she wants. She even introduced me to a forum where in her own words, where we could make friends with other people. She didn’t want to be alone so I agreed to join to accompany her. In my mind, I was thinking if I want to make friends, I want to be honest with them so I used a picture that showed my face as the profile pic.
It was a wrong move. So many guys hit me up and I will always always remember inside the chatroom, this guy PP who would always P me. He told me to change/remove the picture as this is a sex forum and I shouldn’t show my face for my own safety. I guess perhaps because of this, I was under a lot of attention which displeases this new friend of mine. At this time, I was starting to treat PP as a real friend, like an older brother. I was honest with Cb Kia and told him that I joined the forum to accompany her. He didn’t like her a lot as he finds her too promiscuous. He didn’t like me making friends inside the forum too. I started posting…erm….sexy pictures inside the forum on my own thread. I thought to myself, since Cb kia says i’m ugly and insulted me, i’ll just show others then, to prove him and myself wrong. I was desirable. I’m not as worthless as he said.
The situation between us got really bad that there was once we had a knife stand-off when my friend came to visit me with her new boyfriend. I was ready to just stab him and then kill myself. I still remembered the situation with that ah beng, whom was dating this girl, an old friend of mine who appeared in my doorsteps unannounced one day, asking if she could spend the night here. I can’t say no, she was a childhood friend whom I thought was willing to still be friends with me. She invited this ah beng, Zach, to my place. Cb kia wasn’t pleased as he knew about my dating history. Zach secretly slipped me a piece of paper with his number on it before he left. At that point of time, I kinda gave up on myself and on the relationship. So I would talked to Zach about the abuse and shit. He would tell me to get out of it and he would still be waiting to be with me.
Cb kia found out, I got beaten up and he broke my phone. I didn’t hear from Zach again until I was at the end of the whole shit relationship with Cb Kia. He was cheating on me again, and I told him to just fuck off. I was done. For real this time. I threw all of his shit away and I was starting to have a more positive outlook thanks to some help from PP. Cb kia was even asking me to go prostitute myself to get money to support him and shit. He was in debt because he started gambling on soccer and losing heavily. He didn’t have money for cigarettes nor gas for his bike. He said I should compensate him because he spent money on me during our relationship.
I wasn’t completely well, I still felt inferior and shit. I did compensate him some money and told him to stop contacting me but he said that he’ll beat up any guy who starts dating me. I was scared but my friend and PP told me to not be scared. Everything will be alright except my friend started to get interested in Zach. She showed me his picture and asked if I knew him. I told her that he’s a not bad guy, quite a gentleman too. I told her that we used to go out but nothing ever happened. She should go for him and I fully supported her. Well, somehow Zach found out I was friends with her and that I was single now. He started to go after me instead of her.
My friend was over the moon as when she met up with Zach, he gave her some luxury brand note book as a gift, can’t be sure if it’s gucci or armani. I told him to be nice to my friend because I treasured her greatly. I kept telling him good things about her but….he went after me and I accepted. I do not know what was wrong with me. Perhaps because in the past, nothing happened and I genuinely liked him. My friend was mad and jealous. She started to spread rumors about me. She even told Cb Kia, who came to threatened me. I tried talking things out with him. I got slapped a few times again. The worst shit? My friend took the pictures I posted in the forum and together with Cb kia, posted them all over facebook with my full name and information.
Overwhelmed with all of this, I broke down but PP was there to helped me. He came to find me and even brought me to the station to lodged a report. The police can’t do anything much besides a warning. The relationship between me and Zach didn’t work out, he faked a suicide and blamed everything on me. I must admit, I shouldn’t have jumped into a new relationship immediately. Even then, I was making plans with Zach to get out of Singapore, we’re gonna go see the world and earn our keeps somewhere else. I was serious about it, but I guess I took the wrong approach.
I was devastated. I had nothing left. My only friend whom I trusted betrayed me. My pictures are being circulated around facebook. Nothing good ever happen to me. Cb kia was blaming his actions on me. Why? I was very tired. I just wanted to end it all. I was ready to just end myself but someone alerted the police and I was arrested. I did not saything to PP as he too was dealing with issues of his own. It was my own fault anyway, it was my own mess. Why should I bother anyone with it?
Ah, but being arrested was a completely new experience for me. Even when I told the police officer what happened and what makes me want to end myself, they don’t take it seriously and it isn’t the first time of me reporting Cb kia to the police. Every fucking time they would just tell me that they can’t do much unless I take him to court. Yeah, I was penniless. How the fuck do I take him to court?
Lock up was a very….erm, interesting experience. We were promised cup noodles which we never got. I had to pee where the officers could see me. I was lucky, I didn’t had to share the cell with anyone. I did some stretches like putting my legs on the wall and some yoga poses but was told to cut it out by the officer on patrol.
I was bored. I had nothing to do plus it was freezing cold. Early morning I was transferred to a hospital and was hospitalized for quite a while. Good experience, really. No connection to the outside world. I could really just sit and think which I did, a lot. I reflected so much on my actions, behaviors and choices. I had so much I want to do and see. Instead of just killing Cb kia and then killing myself which I seriously contemplated.
I was released a few days before my birthday. I spend most of my time at home and only went out when needed, like reporting for bail. I spoke to no one except for PP. On my birthday, Cb Kia came to my place. He said something about how he wants to spend my birthday together for the last time etc. I take it as him pitying me. I declined and told him to leave. Now this is something that I never ever told anyone. I was thinking of just keeping this inside me and taking it to my grave but I’m older now. My life is relatively good. Let bygones be bygones ainnit?
He forced his way in, broke the gate at the front door. I was scared and angry. I was fuming at him, crying and shouting at him. I’m trying my best to get back on my feet after how badly he fucked me up. He started hugging and kissing me which I resisted. He didn’t take too kindly to my resistance. I won’t go into details except that he raped/had unconsensual sex/forced his penis inside of me me as I was crying. Even as I laid there like some wooden plank, my mind all messed up, he could still enjoy it. Then again, as long as it’s a pussy, anything goes huh? When he was done, I was…I can’t even explain it, trying my very best to punch and kick him. We shouted at each other back and forth, his friend called him asking what he was doing. He answered: “I’m quarreling now. Later I meet you.” Then he left, just like that. I scrubbed my body raw under the shower. My fingernails scraped the inside of my vagina till it bleed. I just wanted to get all of his shit off and away from me. I felt so used and dirtied. I just wanted to be clean. I’ve suffered way too much and had enough of this fuckin dirt that he gave/left on me. I thought I managed to finally have a clean start without all the bullshits. My mind literally goes on high alert like I’m rebuilding my life right now, a fresh new start. It has to be clean. I have to be clean.
Shitty birthday isn’t it? Hahaha. I never see him again. I cut everyone off my life except for PP. I changed my Facebook, my emails etc. Every thing that I could change to not remind myself of the past, I did. So yeah, that’s the end of my worst valentine in life. 2012-2014, it’s a period of my life that I would like to hide away and forget but I can’t. I know, within myself, I take this as a very important lesson learned. Every incidents, big or small, bad or good is always a good experience in life. Do I forgive him? No, never but I can walk forward from it.
Though I’m very sad to say I lost PP. He was the only good thing that ever happened to me, the only friend that made me felt what it was truly like to have a friend. He was a very good mentor, an older brother who helped guide me thru life. I loved PP and I will always love PP. Hahaha. Even though his departure dealt a huge blow to me, no matter what, he will always be my PP. I really wish PP was still here. Four years now and every year I wish I could still talk to him. Perhaps you guys won’t get it and it’s fine! I didn’t expect anyone to get it anyway. Happy Valentine’s Day to all the bros and sis! Love ya ~ I hope you’ll get and eat a bunch of chocolates!
Sorry for this late update, I’ve been busy with work and I’ve still got a lot of games that needs catching up with. Bah! It’s not like I didn’t ’expose’ CB Kia to the public. I did but no one took it seriously and I kinda gave up on it. There’s no point trying to ’expose’ him anymore. I didn’t exactly told my father what had happened but I think he knew and I guess him and I both came to the conclusion that it’s part of growing up. He always told me since I was a kid, about how he would go out to see and experience the world when he was 18. Life is never fair and if the road is filled with pain and loss on how I’m meant to mature then so be it. At least I’m wiser now.
I’ve talked about the shittiest boyfriend I had, now let me tell you about the first boyfriend I had. I forgotten his name but he stayed in Yishun, quite a horn dog tho. He smokes, had a buzz cut cause he was in the army with glasses and a lil taller than me. I was in my ah lian days, working in retail at some shop in Suntec selling marked up clothes to ladies. I wasn’t exactly happy with it but a job is a job and back then, we need the money to go shop at Bugis. Hahahaha. It was quite a good experience overall, since a lot of japanese ladies like to shop there and with my basic understanding of the japanese language, I managed to get a lot of sales. LOL!
I met him thru Tagged, and he came to pick me up from work. My first impression of him? None. There was nothing impressive about him and he wasn’t good looking. No sex, only some light petting here and there. Did I love him or even like him? No? I just wanted a boyfriend because most of my friends are in a relationship and I don’t want to feel left out. I somehow managed to found out he was ‘cheating’ on me. Hitting up girls and trying to have dirty conversations with them. As a good ah lian, I called him up one night when I was hanging with a few of my friends and their boyfriends. I told him to came down to meet up with me and later we could go to my place for sex. The stupid fool took the bait. Thanks to his penis. Hahaha.
He came down and I immediately berated him. He stood there head down, silent but I could see that his eyes was looking at my chest. I slapped him: “Oi, my face is up here knn!” I could even hear my friend’s boyfriend telling her that I was really fierce. After that, he scampered off home while me and my group of friends just laughed at him and the whole situation. I did reflected at my actions, was I not caring enough? Not loving enough? Or perhaps overall I wasn’t good enough for him?
From that day onward, any romantic relationship I have, I always said: “If one day, you wish to leave just tell me and I’ll let you go.” I’ll try to not let myself invest too much feelings into the relationship. So far, I’ve failed only once with the Cb Kia. Hahaha. As I grew older, I think I don’t really hold much faith in any romantic relationships? I will always be me, doing my own shit and if the guy wants to leave, sure sure, I’ll gladly send him out. I won’t even bother trying to make him stay, I’m over that. Every one have the rights to find someone they want/feel good with.
Of course, don’t fucking ask for a perfect girl when you yourself can’t bring shit to the table or isn’t perfect yourself. There was also a time where I would date guys but I’ll drop them immediately as soon as I get bored of them. Like once I’ve known enough about you and there isn’t anything else interesting, goodbye, I’m onto the next dude.
Now I’m more into having a person who’s able to be comfortable with the silence between us.
I saw a lot of my primary/secondary school classmates getting married, having kids or married with kids and here I am telling this lady who told me that I should have kids: “I don’t want a spawn of satan to destroy my vagina, thanks.”
I’m very sorry but I honestly do not know how to define a perfect relationship. I don’t even know what is my definition of a perfect relationship. Nothing is perfect and everyone have their own definition of a relationship/the kind of relationship they want. I’m done with work and I think I can start to be a hermit at home and regularly update now? Since there’s a virus case 2 hours away from my place. Time for me to hide and maybe start a stockpile? Hahaha. Maybe now I should learn the kiasu-ism ways of a singaporean?
To and about the man who told me I was an enigma.
Let’s see…ah, my second boyfriend. They’re not in order tho. Hahaha. Remember my previous post where I said I was gonna write about this ah beng guy who’s in the 18 something gang? His name is Zachary. A couple years older than me, tall and lanky. I got to know him thru Tagged during the time when I was with my sugar daddy, Patrick. I’m not too sure which shopping mall we first met up at but I think is a mall in the north, Cwp. I don’t know if the mall is still there or not but he came down all the way from hougang to the north to meet me.
First impression, very good. Quite a gentleman, good with words, seems to be well-educated. He was quite honest upfront with me that he spent time in a boys home and just got out. Don’t know if that is true or not but who am I to judge or disapprove? His pick up lines are rather cheesy but I can’t help but still feel flattered and good? He was nice, gave me a keychain, a small plush toy of winnie the pooh bear as a gift the first time we met. So…like….how the fuck do you not fall/like someone like that?
Nothing much really happened after that. We texted occasionally, nothing much came out of it but I started having feelings for him. This dude really knows what to say to a girl. With a few encouragements from my friends, I gathered up my courage and confessed to him. This was my first and only confession I’ve ever said towards a guy. After sending him a rather long text confessing my feelings, I threw my phone towards my friends and ran away from them. I was a nervous wreck, filled with anxiety and slowly overcome by the embarrassment and sadness of a potential rejection. In my mind, I was like: ‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, confirm I will tio reject one. I so fat. I not chio, how to be compatible with him?!’ I kept running until I can’t run no more. I stopped and rest, thinking that even if he rejected me, at least I told him how I felt. I don’t need to have hopes of being with him and I could just move on with my life.
I went back and my friends were like telling me: “It isn’t too bad! He said he likes you too!” I was beaming, reading his text. Even though inside I was thinking and had a feeling that he is just trying to be nice to me by not rejecting me right to my face. After the confession, there was no progress at all. I was still living my life with the occasional texts from him. Soon, I got a weird message from him asking me if I wanted to buy his laptop and a few belongings cause he needed the money to buy aprons/equipment for his culinary course in Shatec. He wanted to be a chef in a Michelin restaurant.a Michelin chef. I told him that I got a few hundreds that he could take to pay the fees for it. I went down to his place immediately and passed him the cash. He told me that this is a loan from me to him and that he’s gonna pay me back.
Never heard from him or even seen him again after that day. So I guess….I tio cheated? Hahaha. Then again, I was the kind to go all out when I love/like someone. Until now I don’t even know if you need to pay for the equipment like cooking utensils/knives/aprons in Shatec? Cause my brother went to Shatec, culinary course and I don’t see no god damn cooking utensils. Oh well, there’s no one to blame but me. I let him took advantage of my feelings for him to get what he wants from me. Guess I wasn’t chio enough lor.
A couple years later, when I was in the mid-stages of the relationship with Cb Kia, I met him again. How? Due to this particular friend of mine, Yvonne. I can’t say that she’s my friend anymore since I’ve stopped speaking to her after that. Yvonne was a year younger than me, her skin was rather tanned in a….erm…not a nice way? Skinny with no boobs nor butt. We used to play together with my group of childhood friends. She was staying in the block behind mine. She was a rather shy/soft-spoken kind of girl who always wanted to fit in with the popular kids. More like the girls with the ah lian lifestyle? Have rich ah beng boyfriends who treats them well and buy them shit, having wild sex anywhere etc.
She was rather fascinated with that and tried her very best to stick with Britney (basic betch name). She doesn’t like me at all, don’t know why. When I told her that I’m talking to some guys that I might be potentially interested in, she’ll swing into actions and turned the guys against me. Even when they’re just guys I’m chatting on msn, whom I’ve never meet before. Like, come on lah walao. Next time I’ll write about Britney. Britney was your neighborhood ah lian, doesn’t look that good, average but still get guys. Yvonne wanted to be just like her. She tried to dressed like her, act like her etc. You could always see her hovering around Britney.
Britney was always picking on Yvonne. Even when we were telling Yvonne that Britney is making/picking fun of her, she doesn’t listen to us. So what else can we do? You ownself die die want to go be with her even when you know she don’t treat you well just because you want to be noticed by guys, then so be it. Since being noticed and having guys ‘be’ with you makes you feel validated, who am I to say otherwise? 你自己要犯贱，你就去。
There was a time, Britney was sick of Yvonne trying to copy her, she hatched a devious plan with my friend’s sister. This isn’t fake, it’s real cause Britney told everyone about her plan. I know, it’s fucked up but we were just teens who doesn’t wanna get involve with serious shit like this. (Maybe some of you might know who Britney and Yvonne is. Pretty sure there are guys around my age who fucked/known Yvonne before. I mean like, at that time who doesnt? She was even on Stomp a couple of times.) She got her to steal some sleeping pills from her mom, which Britney put inside a cup of milo. She invited Yvonne to her house and gave her the cup of milo to drink. Yvonne felt sleepy and she told her to rest in her room. Britney got her god-brother to come and sent him straight into her room where Yvonne was.
By now, all of you would know what happened inside there. The most shocking thing was when Yvonne came out of the room, she was smiling sheepishly and telling Britney: “这里很痛，我这里很痛”, while rubbing her inner thighs. Britney was amused, she was telling us, how the fuck her inner thighs would hurt, shouldn’t it be her pussy that is hurting? From that day on, Yvonne changed completely.
If you want me to write about Yvonne and Britney, do let me know. Cause to me, there really isn’t anything to hide and we aren’t friends anymore. Especially when one stole shit from me and the other tried to start stupid shit about me and even helped to circulate my nudes around.
I was still nice to Yvonne, like when she needed to use my computer to contact her ‘friends’ or a place to crash cause she doesn’t want to go home. Despite her stealing from me, I can’t exactly not lend a helping hand in need. Now, when I look back, knnb ccb, I was some naive fool back then. I should have just closed the door on her. Her phone line was cut and she had no way to contact her boyfriends. My parents and brother were away on holiday, leaving me alone at home with cb kia. She came over asking to used my computer so she could logged onto Facebook. She asked if her boyfriend could come over and I didn’t really thought much about it. I agreed and went to shower.
I heard the doorbell rang and I guessed she went to welcomed her boyfriend. I finished showering, wrapped a towel around myself and was getting ready to head out of the bathroom but when I opened the door, Cb Kia was right in front of the door, with my clothes telling me that Yvonne boyfriend is here so I can’t exactly walk out with just a towel around me. I got dressed and walked out, lo and behold, I was shocked and amused, Zachary was at my house. So this is the boyfriend Yvonne was talking about. We smiled at each other and I went into my room with Cb Kia, while Zachary and Yvonne was in the living room. They were sitting together on the couch and Yvonne had her head on his shoulder.
After I finished drying my hair, I went out and Yvonne made small talks with me while he sat there quietly looking at me. Cb kia was in the room, secretly chatting with another girl and playing mobile games. At this point of time, I was at the stage where I was getting abused regularly by Cb Kia. Yvonne wanted to spend the night with Zachary but he gave her excuses that he needed to head home etc. So she tried to text other guys on fb if she could spend the night at their place. How did I know? Cause she was still logged onto Facebook on my computer and I saw her convo with different guys. Basically telling and asking them if she could go to their place and if they could pay for her cab fees. When they asked what she’s gonna do when she comes over, her answer was short and simple: “Do that lorx, if euu wan. I can bj also if euu wan”.
I walked the both of them towards the lift (She was gonna walked with him to send him off) but she needed to go grabbed her things that she left in my house. When she went back in, he handed me a small slip of paper with his number on it. I hid the slip of paper in my palms and said goodbye to them when Yvonne came back out. I placed the paper under the microwave and proceed to try and forget about it. After half an hour, Yvonne came back up to my place to use Facebook again. I was in the kitchen cooking maggi mee as supper for Cb kia, when he asked me if I knew Zachary.
I told him that I used to knew him a few years ago. He asked me if I was in a relationship with him but I said no. I used to like him but he ghosted me. Cb Kia got angry and slapped me across my face, shouting at me, asking why the fuck I would agreed to let him come to my house. I was stunned. I wanted to answer him but nothing would come out, it’s like my voice suddenly disappeared. He started hitting and slapping me when Yvonne suddenly stood outside of the kitchen asking me if I could open the door for her cause she needed to go find her friend. I smiled at her and nodded. I went to opened the door, as if nothing happened. She left and Cb Kia continued to hit me.
How would I know her boyfriend that she was talking about would be Zachary? If I knew, then of course I would decline to avoid an awkward situation but then again, nothing happen between me and him. So, why am I fault here? I was angry at Cb Kia. So when he went to work during the day, I took the slip of paper from underneath the microwave and texted Zachary. He asked me if I was happy in my relationship with Cb Kia and I answered him that I wasn’t. He told me to leave Cb Kia. I tried, I really did but everytime I failed because Cb kia would threatened me, saying he would beat up the guy if he ever sees me walking around with another guy. Cb kia found out about it, beat me up and texted Zachary to leave me alone but Zachary texted him: “May the best man win.”
Ouch. Cb Kia beat me up so badly that I was bleeding with cuts and bruises all over my body. My head was spinning from the pain and feels kinda like empty from the blows he given to my head that I blacked out and fainted. Never heard from Zachary again cause Cb kia smashed my phone.
Half a year or so, I came into contact with Zachary again. I had already broken up with Cb Kia but it was still rather messy. The new female friend that I met was Monica. She was a heavy girl, but her boobs were big. She loves dressing sexy, always showing her cleavage. A smoker and very open about sex. She was the one who introduced me to the undertable forum, saying it was a place to make friends. That was where I first started posting ‘sexy’ pictures of myself to try and validate myself that I was still a person with purpose. That I was still attractive to people, unlike what Cb Kia said. Monica wasn’t exactly pleased with the ‘attention’ I was getting inside the forum. She showed me a picture of Zachary and asked whether I knew him.
I told her that I knew him from Tagged before and he was actually a pretty nice guy. He’s a gentleman and she should go for him. I gave her my full support. She threw him into a chat between me and her, that’s how we got together again. I was talking to Monica about sugar gliders, telling her how cute they are. Zachary started a sole conversation with me and sent me a picture of a sugar glider and bidding me goodnight. After that, we converse regularly on facebook. I told him that I was single again, I finally left Cb Kia and to treat Monica well. She was a friend that I treasured dearly and I don’t want him to break her heart. Well, that didn’t worked out.
I even told him about the forum which he joined. Everything happened so fast, it was like a blur and soon we were dating. Monica stopped being friends with me, she even told Cb Kia about me and him. We even posted pictures of me sucking on his dick. Zachary’s dick was thick. It isn’t that huge, but it was a good size. A very good size. I would let him finish inside me. Somehow, it would always be in the doggy position. Sometimes, he would take too long, that my pussy would start to dry up and it’ll start to hurt like a motherfucker. I even got a UTI from fucking him.
I introduced Zachary to my family and relatives but I guess this wasn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship. Zachary was working but really fast, he would stopped going to work because he was always with me and oversleeping. I would always sneaked Zachary into the house, and we’ll wait under the block for hours for my parents to go to bed first. We were making so much plans together. We had plans to get our passports and just leave. We were gonna head to Thailand, where my relatives could help get us a place to stay and make a future from then on. One morning, when I was showering, my father found Zachary in my room and he shouted at him. Zachary left the house immediately. I cried in the shower.
I couldn’t get a hold of him after that. Until a text from him, written by his sister, saying how he is now in the ER cause he committed suicide, overdosing on panadols. I was overwhelmed with guilt. She told me not to contact him ever again. The last time I heard anything from Zachary himself, was him calling me Mrs. Cb Kia. I never heard from him nor even approached him again.
I was devastated. After that, the whole shit storm blew up. Cb kia beat me up for being with Zachary, my naked pictures were being circulated around facebook, I was ridden with guilt because someone actually commited suicide, due to my own actions/faults/ or just me in particular. I admit, I was a mess, a fucking train wreck. When I was with Zachary, he was paying for everything and also despising me at the same time. When I was the one who told him that as a couple, and as a sign of respect to each other, we should both chip in. It was my fault for making him pay for everything. It was also my fault for rushing into a new relationship when I clearly wasn’t in the right environment or state. I apologize. I’m sorry Zachary.
You wanna know what’s the worst part? After a few years from the shit storm, where I was living my life, climbing the corporate ladder, being a full fucking female power person, I learned that Zachary did not committed suicide. He was just using that as an excuse to get out and away from me. So, to get rid of me, he lied about overdosing on Panadols. After a very long thought process, I guess….could say an eye for an eye? Since you first cheated me of a few hundreds then the last time we meet, I made you spent all your money on me. I guess, we could call it even now?
FUCK NO, Zachary LJA.
Do you know how shitty I felt? I fucking carried the guilt of you ‘committing suicide’ for years. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing that you almost died because of me. You will never ever fucking know that feeling. That painful feeling of guilt, eating everything up inside of you. For you, I got beaten up by Cb Kia, because I didn’t wanted him to go and cause trouble for you, I told him to hit me instead. You wouldn’t know the pain I felt nor see the blood I bleed.
You wouldn’t know how much courage I had to just dropped everything to stand on the ledge preparing to just fuck it all and end myself. You wouldn’t know what it’s like to to be strapped onto the bed or on the chair in the fucking mental ward. You wouldn’t know what it’s like to stabbed yourself and watching the blood flow out from the wound, smiling and thinking: ‘Ah, I can finally rest now. I cannot repay the guilt I had for Zachary but my life should be a good enough payment to free me from the guilt.’ You wouldn’t know what it’s like to overdose not on stupid panadols but on a cocktail of sleeping pills, anti-depressants, alcohol etc and getting your stomach pumped not once but twice. You wouldn’t know the unpleasant painful feeling, waking up after the procedure. There’s so many thing that you wouldn’t know but you know what? Forget it. I was mad of your stupid lie but what’s the point of staying mad anymore?
In a way, I’m also thankful for that. At least I know what it’s like to get my stomach pumped, getting stabbed etc. I’m always happy to learn and experience something new. You know, how I told you that I always wanted to leave Singapore? Well, I did and I glad that I did cause I’m living and doing so much better now.
Well, it seems I’m stuck at home for around 2 weeks I guess? Honestly, I’m a bit upset cause now all of my plans are messed up.
My third boyfriend was Skye, perhaps 3-6 years older than me? You wanna know the truth? I wasn’t really into him. I knew he kinda liked me and has intentions to chase me? I kinda agreed into dating him cause one night where I was out with Skye and PP at some rooftop bar, Skye was very expressive with his feelings for me. PP saw and he told me I should give Skye a chance and date him. I listened to PP and went for it even though deep down inside of me, I thought that I wasn’t in the right place nor mindset to really date anyone.
I tried to like him romantically but I find myself to be more like…..a friend? Yeah, sure we did whatever couples do but I still felt off inside. It was also around this time where I start to become a monster or a devil you could say? I went thru so much shit caused by males and I know full well that men are just using me to satisfy their pleasures. I thought to myself, from now on, I’m gonna take revenge on every fucking male that comes my way. It’s like this sick twisted perverse thought just come out of nowhere and consumed me.
Skye was a nice guy, a great guy if he really tries in a relationship but his only downfall was that he puts lust at like the top of his priorities. I guess everyone who was in the Undertable forum puts lust as their top priority cause everyone just wanna fuck everyone. Yeah, I heard a lot of his sexploits and even until now I’m still hearing about it. It’s a bit cringey lah, walao, I already siam out of SG yet I still can hear about your sexploits.
It’s also quite awkward to be in a relationship with him when you meet people from the forum that he fucked with. Somehow the lady will look at you like some kind of enemy or some shit. Sometimes, other ladies will come up to me and tell me all these stories about him like how he is just using the girls for money etc etc. I mostly heard a lot of bad stuffs about him.
How do you love someone when you don’t even love yourself? How do you love someone when you are not in a good place mentally? I was coping and struggling to heal from the shit in my life, how could I have the energy to really try in this relationship? I was a bitch, I still am a bitch but still…..I used Skye for my own gains. Affectionately, emotionally and monetary. He bought a lot of things for me. He spent quite a lot on me. I can’t quite remember what made the relationship turned sour but I strongly remembered that he or someone he was associated with started a thread about me and PP, everyone trashed talked about me inside that thread. That was the turning point that PP told me to just quit that forum altogether. So we left the Undertable forum, even though some of the friends I made in there still tell me things every now and then.
Not anymore tho, hahaha cause I cut them off too. If I wanted a new and good life, I should cut out things that are potentially toxic towards me. I’m done with all the bullshit and ya know me, I think differently from others. I just want a quiet life with no major ups and downs. I think I’ve already went through enough of that. I’m happy with what I have and I don’t need anything else but it seems almost everyone that I’ve met just keeps wanting more and more. I feel as if there isn’t any point for me to continue a conversation with them or even try to keep the conversation going. 道不同不相为谋，志不同不相为友.
So I’m sorry Skye, for using you. It was wrong of me but I guess you took revenge by shit talking about me to everyone in that thread? I still remembered every fucking things you guys said in that thread.
Skye was rather fine in bed. Okay length and size. Don’t remember much except for this one time where I was riding on him and told him to called me derogatory names. The masochist in me was howling to be released. I was literally drooling and craving to be used. He told me to moaned as loud as I could but I stiffened my voice instead. I was still well aware of my surroundings and I would not like to face any embarrassing situations. I would be going up and down, moving my hips front to back while moaning and saying: “I’m such a naughty bitch…I’m a dirty slut that just want your dick inside of me….Yes, give me more please…I need more….” etc etc. I would request him to be rough on me and spank my butt. The thrilling pain gives such rush of pleasure. I would be reduced into such a wet sloppy mess due to that. How could I ever resist? Spank me more! It makes me feel so alive!
It’s like something out of a manga. Hahahahaha.
I never kept in contact with him after we broke things off. Sometimes he’ll hit me up on Line and tell me things like his current situation and relationship or hit me up to fuck. Tho, mostly he is just looking to fuck around if his girlfriend isn’t available at the time. The last I heard from him was him asking if I wanna fuck but I lied and told him that I was getting married and I think I told him to stop contacting me? I deleted Line cause I was like what, 1-2 days before I left Singapore? Hahahahaha.
I won’t deny that I used to be like everyone. So greedy, always wanting more. Nothing was ever enough but now I’m just having problems, second guessing myself if I should buy the new stupid Animal Crossing game.