- Gael Lindenfield’s Self-Esteem Bible
-
Build Your Confidence Day by Day’ by Gael Lindenfield, published by Element Books.
- Burns calories
☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀
Have a
Blessed
Happy
&
Prosperous
Year 2012
Best Wishes Always
from Me
☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀
jz sharin,
The word ’esteem’ comes from a Latin word that means ’to estimate’. So, self-esteem is how you estimate, or regard, yourself.
And how do you estimate, or regard, yourself?
Try asking yourself these questions.
- Do I like myself?
- Do I think I’m a good human being?
- Am I someone deserving of love?
- Do I deserve happiness?
- Do I feel deep down that I’m an OK person?
People with low self-esteem find it hard to answer yes to all or most of the above. Perhaps you are one of them. If so, what can you do?
Remember – you’re uniquely special!
A good way to start improving your self-esteem is to acknowledge that you are special – because there’s no one else quite like you.
Not only are your fingerprints and DNA different from everyone else’s (unless you have an identical twin), but your mind, and how it thinks and operates, is totally your own.
This means that out of almost 7 billion people in the world, you are a one-off. So if nature has bothered to make you unique, don’t you feel you should accept that you’re important and also that you have as much right as anyone else to be on this planet?
You have other rights, too. One of them is the right to make mistakes. Don’t forget that ’to err is human’ – and most of us learn through getting things wrong before we get them right.
Furthermore, we have the right to respect ourselves – and to be respected. And, perhaps most importantly of all, we have the right to say ‘yes’ or ’no’ for ourselves.
Put behaviour in perspective
Unfortunately, lots of people with poor self-esteem really beat themselves up whenever they make a mistake or error of judgement.
They feel that they are ’no good’ because they fail an exam, lose a job or because they’re having an affair or have been dumped.
But such events – and how we behave about them and deal with them – are just a tiny part of who we are. And it’s important to remember that.
It might help too to take on board that individuals with healthy self-esteem don’t define themselves by their occasional failures or denigrate their whole beings when things don’t go right. Their regard for themselves is based on a bigger picture.
So, if you are prone to deep despair at some aspect of yourself, try telling yourself that it’s just a tiny fragment of the multiple layers and components that make up the real you. And try not to condemn the whole of your being when you make a mistake or do something you’re not too proud of.
Halt destructive thoughts
Many people with poor self-esteem think they’re not very important and that their views carry no weight. Is this you?
If so, try to stop these destructive thoughts because if you go around believing them, you’ll encourage other people to believe them too.
Instead, start thinking of yourself as someone who has rights, opinions and ideas that are just as valid as those of anyone else. This will help you to improve your self-esteem.
jz sharin,
Techniques to improve self-esteem
10-minute technique
People with poor self-esteem often fail to give themselves enough time and space. So find 10 minutes every day to be alone and to just sit and do nothing.
Some people find it helpful to close their eyes and imagine a country scene or the sight and sound of waves gently lapping against the shore.
During this 10 minutes, allow yourself to feel peaceful and happy. Enjoy this time. It is yours – and yours alone.
Accentuate the positive
Often we make ourselves unhappy because we go over and over mistakes we have made. But we can improve our self-esteem if we re-think the things we believe we have done wrong or badly.
For example, one of my clients has to give presentations at work. He used to be very critical of his performance and would lose sleep afterwards over the tiniest of errors.
But now, he writes an account of each presentation shortly after he’s given it and only writes about the things that went well.
He doesn’t need to write about the bad things – they will stick in his memory and he will try hard not to repeat them – but he will forget the good things unless he writes them down.
So when you have a horrible day, or something goes wrong in your relationship or at work, write an account of what went right with that episode, not what went wrong.
The results will surprise you – and improve how you see yourself.
List 50 things you like about yourself
If you’re seriously lacking in self-esteem, you probably find it hard to think positively about you.
So, try this exercise:
write a list of 50 things that you like and admire about yourself.
This could take weeks, but persevere!
- You can write down your characteristics.
- You can include things about your looks.
- You can even write about the things you do. For example, you may buy a copy of the Big Issue on a day when you’re short of money, or you may help an elderly woman in the supermarket when you’re rushing to get your own shopping done.
When you have reached your 50 good things, write them down again on small pieces of card that you can carry with you at all times.
You can probably squeeze in 5 points on each card, so that you’ll have 10 cards when you’re finished.
Then, twice a day, shuffle the cards – so that you can view your good points in a fresh order – and then read them.
If you do this every day, you will start to accept your own goodness and worth.
And if you have a difficult task ahead – like a new date, or a job interview – always read your cards one extra time just before your challenge. This will help you to be more relaxed and optimistic.
jz sharin,
Getting and giving criticism
One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism – giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult.
How to deal with criticism
Often when we’re criticised, we’re so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what’s being said without really listening to it.
This doesn’t help us. So here are some hints and tips about dealing with criticism.
- Listen to criticism without interrupting.
- Next, if there are aspects to the criticism that are valid, begin by agreeing with those points.
- If parts are unclear, ask for clarification.
- If you realise you were wrong, say so and apologise.
- If criticism is wrong or unfair, smile and say: ‘I’m afraid I don’t agree with you’.
How to give criticism
People with poor-self esteem find it just as hard to dish out criticism as they do to receive it. In fact, many such individuals avoid promotion because they can’t face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticise others.
So how can you learn to criticise when you have to?
- Keep calm.
- Make your criticism at an appropriate time. Don’t wait until you’re so fed up that you’re furious. If you do, – you’re bound to make a mess of it.
- Take deep breaths, then try a technique called the ‘criticism sandwich’. This means you say something nice, then insert the criticism, then end with another positive comment.
- An example would be: ‘Your work is usually great, but it’s not quite right today. So, I’ll have to ask you to re-do that report. But I bet this time you’ll do it brilliantly.
Say ‘I’ not ‘you’
You might notice that people, who are fair when they criticise, tend to use the word ‘I’ rather than the word ‘you.’ This is because the word ‘I’ shows you’re in control and that you’ve thought about what you’re saying.
You might say: ‘I don’t think you are behaving well today.’ Or: ‘I fear that I haven’t made that clear enough because I don’t think I’m carrying you with me on this point.’ Or: ‘I think this work isn’t up to the standard I normally get from you.’
All too frequently we don’t say anything initially, which is when we should address the problem. Instead, we bottle it up until we explode. Then we use the words ‘you’, ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ all the time.
We say: ‘You’re incompetent’, ‘you’ve stupid’, ‘your work isn’t up to scratch.’ Or even: ‘You make me sick!’ These phrases sound angry and accusatory. They also indicate that we’re not in control. And after uttering them, we generally feel worse about ourselves, and our self-esteem can plummet.
jz sharin,
A final note…
Having poor self-esteem can really make our lives and our work and our relationships so much more difficult than they need to be.
So, if you have low self-esteem, I hope that this article will help you to improve it.
Because once you have more positive regard for yourself, you’ll find that everything in your existence will run much more smoothly than it does at the moment.
Useful books
There are many books that can help you with issues of poor self-esteem. Below are just a few of them.
-
Overcoming Low Self-esteem
by Melanie Fennell, published by Constable/Robinson.
-
Mind Over Mood
by Greenberger and Padesky, published by Guilford Press.
-
Life Coaching – a Cognitive-Behavioural Approach
by Michael Neenan and Windy Dryden, published by Brunner-Routledge.
-
-
How to Accept Yourself
by Windy Dryden, published by Sheldon Books
jz sharin,
Reduces stress
Long-term (chronic) exposure to
stress
can cause a whole series of actual physical problems to your body.
Raised blood pressure
, lowered immune response and an increased susceptibility to anxiety and depression can be caused by increased stress levels. So it is important to keep your stress levels in check.
The actual act of sex and the cuddles after can decrease your blood pressure and make you more able to face some of the problems contributing to your stress.
Sex is also a great communicator and allows both you and your partner to express how you feel about each other.
jz sharin,
REDUCE STRESS
Dealing with stress
During the recession of 2008 to 2009, it was claimed that the last century has been the most stressful mankind has encountered.
This has to be an exaggeration! For instance, we don’t have the black death to cope with.
However, life today is profoundly affected by economic problems, unemployment, terrorism, crime and marriage break-ups. And for many people, work and commuting are very stressful.
So almost inevitably, you are bound to be exposed to a certain amount of stress at times.
Not all stress is bad. Scientists now believe that a moderate amount of stress helps you prepare for the challenges you’ll encounter during the day.
But it is important to learn to control stress so it doesn’t control you.
Spotting the signs of stress
Stress is a sign that we need to look more closely at our lives. Like pain, stress should also be viewed as a warning.
If you are extremely tense and anxious, you should try to establish why. It might be your job, your parents or your relationship. Whatever it is, the chances are your stressful feelings are telling you to make changes.
Learning how to manage stress will only do half of the job if you don’t try to sort out its source. You’ll be doing the mental equivalent of sticking a plaster over a boil that’s infected.
There is a limit to the amount of stress we can take. If we don’t learn to control stress, we are liable to get a whole host of physical and mental problems – and sometimes even break down.
jz sharin,
Dealing with stress
Symptoms of stress
Stress manifests itself in many different ways – there are literally hundreds of symptoms.
If you feel stressed, you’ll certainly have some of the following.
- Dry mouth.
- Clammy hands.
- Racing heart.
- Feeling ’tight’, like an over-wound clock.
- Constant tiredness.
- Migraine.
- Bowel problems.
- Eating disorders.
- Indigestion.
- Frequent minor respiratory troubles.
- Loss of libido.
- Erectile dysfunction.
- Skin complaints.
- Dizziness.
- Tearfulness.
- Insomnia.
One of the more debilitating symptoms of stress are panic attacks, which can be frightening and take over your life if you don’t learn how to deal with them.
Panic attacks seem to becoming more common – chiefly affecting women, but also some men.
Some symptoms are more to do with our behaviour than our physical state, such as:
- irritability
- vagueness
- an unkempt appearance
- poor concentration
- fidgeting
- difficulty in making decisions.
jz sharin,
Dealing with stress
Relieving stress the wrong way
Some of the things we do to relieve stress, like
smoking
and
drinking
, can be as bad for our health as the stress itself.
Tranquilisers
Several decades ago, a number of pharmaceutical companies developed pills called tranquillisers. They came to be known as ‘mother’s little helpers’, and a vast number of patients were put on them.
By the late 70s, it was discovered that these medicines were not as safe as had been thought, and that millions of people were addicted to them. Breaking this addiction was as difficult for many patients as quitting heroin is for drug users.
Even now, many people are still getting addicted to tranquillisers. So we wouldn’t recommend tranquilisers, even if you’re very stressed.
Many GPs are now reluctant to prescribe tranquilisers, but even if your doctor does want to put you on them, you should never take them for more than two to four weeks.
Very occasionally, there may be a case for short-term use to get you over the worst days, say if your partner died suddenly.
So, if you’re not going to take tranquillisers, what can you do about all these stressful feelings?
The stress-busting notebook
Medicines can dull your
anxiety
, but can’t cure it. If you want to stop stress, you must learn how to manage stressful problems.
The first step is to keep a stress-busting notebook, so you can identify what’s going wrong.
Instructions
You will need a notebook that you can keep with you at all times to record your stressful moments.
Write down and rate each moment.
Give the least stressful times one asterisk and the most stressful happenings five.
How it works
People who keep a stress-busting notebook often find the areas they had thought most stressful are not as bad as other areas that they had hardly considered a problem.
For example, you may think your job is the problem, but find it’s your overloaded weekends that are the worst times.
This means you can put in place steps, such as staggering chores or using the Internet for supermarket shopping.
There’s nearly always a solution once you have identified the problem.
jz sharin,
If you’re overweight, you are more likely to be diagnosed with a health problem.
If you’re not sure about your current weight, check out our
BMI calculator
and if you need to lose weight we have a
weight loss plan
that can help.
We are all guilty at looking towards new and ’trendy’ routines to help us lose weight. However, the answer can be right on your doorstep, or your bedroom, or your front room – wherever takes your fancy!
Remember,
sex counts as exercise
and can burn up to 90 calories for every half an hour.
jz sharin,