Some people say that when u die, your entire life flashes past u like a movie.
As to whether the movie of yr life is an epic one or tragic one
obviously depends on how u have lived until the time u die.
Christians claim to stand before the Judgement Seat of Christ
where their movie is played, and members of other religions
have their own versions of seeing their respective gods
reviewing their lives. New Age believers claim to see a ray of light
during near-death experiences.
Some people who attempt suicide by jumping down buildings
have the same experience. Of course, those who managed to die
don’t live to tell the story. But some of those who lived to tell the tale
claimed that their entire life flashed before them in that few seconds
on their way down, and immediately they regretted attempting to kill
themselves. We do not know what these people felt or what they saw exactly
so as to make them deeply regret what they had done.
They themselves can’t explain it.
But not everyone sees, hears or feels something just before they die.
For example, I had an aunt who died last week.
She tried killing herself a number of times already,
but somehow the doctors managed to save her.
This last time, she jumped off the window of her flat and succeeded.
Maybe she regretted her act, maybe she didn’t. We would never know.
When I lost consciousness and blacked out,
I did not see the brightness of heaven,
neither did I feel the darkness of hell, fire and brimstone.
But what did happen was that my entire life re-played itself before me.
It wasn’t the flashback of a few seconds since I wasn’t jumping off the building.
It was like the entire movie of my life was played out in extreme slow motion,
and I could re-live everything once again, with amazing, amplified clarity,
the deepest, happiest as well as saddest moments of my life.
I remembered, for example, touching a girl’s body for the first time, as she did mine
when we were both 18 years old, studying at Anderson Junior College …
Before that, some background.
Diane and I go all the way back in our Secondary School days when we met in church. Diane became a Christian in Sec 1 and I became one in Sec 2, so she joined the church a year earlier than me. We got to know abt Christianity because she was in Methodist Girls’ School (MGS) and I was in Anglo Chinese School (ACS).
Those were the memorable days in the late 1980s when City Community Church (CCC) was still a relatively small albeit vibrant church, and free from corruption. The embezzlement of 6.9 million dollars and the disgusting round tripping of funds for the Cross Under Project (CUP) only happened much later, but what you don’t know is during those early days, City Community Church moved very powerfully in the Anointing and the Presence of the Holy Spirit was always made manifest in the form of miraculous signs and wonders. That was the time when both of us joined. At that time, every girl and woman in the church had to wear a headscarf (a bit similar to the Muslim tradition) in obedience to an obscure verse in Scripture that commands all women to cover their heads because Adam was created first, not Eve, hence the need for covering. It was only in 1998 when Pastor Kee Hong declared the tradition obsolete.
I miss those days when I saw Diane at church wearing the headscarf. But headscarf or no headscarf, because we were totally devoted to God and the church at that time, we did not have an intimate relationship despite our obvious attraction for each other. She was in the same youth group as me so sometimes during cell group, we would hold hands and pray for one another and she would be standing right beside me holding my hand, but it was very hard to me to harbour feelings of lust for her since the Presence of God at that time was so strong. I wasn’t sure how she felt at that time though.
But we kind of backslided after we both took ‘O’ Levels at Sec 4 because we became disillusioned with some of the things that were happening at City Community Church. Although Singing Pastor Hun So had not yet entered the entertainment industry in New Zealand to create music videos like Kiwi Wine, we already saw a lot of abuse of authority, coercion to donate all your money to the cause and other subtle forms of manipulation that were already a large departure from the original purity that the church once possessed.
I must also say that it was not entirely the church’s fault that we backslided. You see, after ‘O’ Level exams during December holidays since Diane and I had nothing much to do, we started getting together not just to pray (which we do often), but also watch movies in dark cinemas (secular movie, let me clarify, not ‘Jesus’ film). So that was how things started …
The movie title was ‘Titanic’. In those days, NC 16 and R 21 shows were big deals because we didn’t have smart phones. Moreover at that time, although computers were starting to have more porn, very few people had a personal computer at home to access porn easily, so you know. Nudity was a big deal in Singapore then, and people were excited to watch it, including me. Wasn’t sure abt Diane though.
‘Titanic’ was supposed to be R(A) - at that time it was called R(A) - but because nude scenes were all cut, we were not considered underage.
Either way, ‘Titanic’ appealed to a lot of girls at that time due to the themes of romance rather than sex, so in the end Diane was the one who insisted we watch it, not me.
We also assumed we wouldn’t have compromised our spiritual / moral values too much if we watched it since the sex bits were taken out.
We were oh so wrong.
It all started innocuously enough. Diane was wearing this green floral dress that seemed a bit too tight-fitting for her. I had never seen her dress this way in church. We were all supposed to be all covered up including headscarf and all, so it was a bit shocking for me to see her cleavage which was clearly bigger than ‘A’ cup, but I think smaller than ‘C’. I couldn’t tell when we were in church because her clothes were so shapeless. And she also put on make up! Imagine a 16 year old putting on make up! I was only wearing berms and sandals cos I didn’t really see our meeting as a date or anything. Just watching a romance show with a good a sister-in-Christ. Now I feel intimidated. Her skirt also a lot shorter than in church. In the past her skirt always covered her knees to extend all the way down to her ankles. Now it reached 5 or maybe 10 cm above her knees so I could see her white creamy thighs.
I felt a stirring, but immediately said a prayer to the Lord Jesus to ask him to send his Holy Spirit to suppress my hardening erection.
“Why u staring at me like that? Never see pretty girl b4 ah?” Diane asked teasingly.
“Hah? No lah no lah. HA HA HA. Cos I never see u put on lipstick all ma,” I managed, blushing.
“Eh … I go buy popcorn first ok? You wait here.”
I had to find an excuse to get away from her for at least a few minutes to cool down.
How could Diane be so pretty today? She might be a bit too hot for me to handle.
I tried to imagine what it would be like to sit right beside her watching a romance movie.
Luckily the nudity was taken out of Titanic, otherwise I might imagine Diane …
Diane and I were actually very close, close to such an extent that when we pray for one another in church, we speak perfect English, but we switch to Singlish whenever we are alone having a normal conversation. And although our conversations were never explicitly sexual, on a few occasions, there seemed to be a hint of harmless flirting here and there. Especially on her part. Like now.
So I came back with the pop corn and we entered the theatre to watch ‘Titanic’.
Everything was normal at the beginning, but halfway during the show,
when Jack wanted to paint a nude photo of Rose and her bare back was exposed,
I got overly excited, reaching for the popcorn which lay between the two of us.
But because my eyes were fixed on the screen,
my right hand missed the pop corn …
and accidentally brushed against Diane’s left breast instead … :P
My right hand lingered on Diane’s left breast for about 5 to 10 seconds.
I did wonder why pop corns suddenly felt so soft and cotton-like.
Shouldn’t they be kinda hard and crispy?
But since my eyes were totally glued on Rose’s,
or rather Kate Winslet’s erotic naked back profile,
my right hand continued feeling around
the surface of her left breast, hoping to finally grab hold of
that single elusive pop corn.
Unfortunately I did not get what I wished for.
What I did get, though, was a very tight slap across my cheek.
PIAK!
The slap was so hard that I fell off my seat
with pop corn scattered all over the cinema floor …
“HOW DARE U TOUCH MY …”
Diane at a tender age of 16 was too shy
to use the word ‘breast’ so she ended up saying,
“TOUCH … ME.”
The show had already ended and we were already
outside the movie theatre where she confronted me.
The reason why she did not confront me during the movie
was we already caused quite a pandemonium
when I fell onto the floor with popcorn all around me.
More than a few heads turned towards us in disapproval
and I had to pick up every piece of popcorn on the
floor while muttering ‘sorry’ ‘sorry’ ‘sorry’
to those around us giving us murderous stares.
I think Diane did not scold me immediately
also because she could also see that maybe
it wasn’t intentional on my part.
“Diane,” I held up both of my palms in front of her
like a thief at gunpoint surrendering to the police,
“it was an accident. REALLY. Please clam down.
I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it.
You yourself saw that my eyes were glued on the screen.
If I really wanted to … to erm … touch you …
I would have … you know …”
“YOU WOULD HAVE WHAT?” she demanded.
“TOUCHED ME WHILE LOOKING AT ME WITH A SMILE
ON YOUR FACE? WHICH PERVERT WOULD DO THAT?
ALL OF THEM PRETEND TO LOOK AWAY
WHILE RUBBING THEMSELVES AGAINST A GIRL’S BODY,
DON’T THEY?”
Hmmm. She had a point there, you know.
“Diane,” I sighed,
“I really don’t know how to prove to you that I didn’t mean it.
You would just have to trust me.
You know me for so long, right?”
“I know u for only 2 years, not 20 years,” she retorted.
“That isn’t really a long time. So, no.
I don’t think I know u that well.”
We were at a stalemate.
I could not prove my innocence.
It was all pointless trying to tell her anything already.
I looked down sheepishly at my shoes,
feeling very small, apologetic, embarrassed.
I dare not look at her anymore.
One entire cruel minute passed,
with 2 of us facing each other, speechless,
me looking down in shame,
she staring at me in anger.
I was really feeling very very bad
for what had happened.
“Ok, fine.” Diane sighed and finally broke the silence.
Her tone of voice softened a bit.
I think she could tell that I really didn’t mean it,
and the slap on my face already more than compensated
for any hurt I intentionally caused.
And she wasn’t hurt in any way if you think about it.
Of course, she felt offended, but also a bit … well strange.
The feeling was not altogether nasty.
The slap was simply a reflex, a natural reaction.
Moreover, what’s done is done.
She knew she was reacting this way
only because it was the very first time that a boy had touched her in such a way.
She can’t really blame me since I didn’t know.
She looked at me grimly,
folding her arms just under her B or C cup breast,
which I was already trying my best to avoid eye contact with.
These 2 fucking headlights already gave me so much of trouble.
“You want to prove your innocence?
Here’s what you can do to prevent me
from calling the police now for molesting me …”
She had this faint smile on her face which made my heart skip a beat.
What did she want me to do?
“Jayson,” she began, “I want u to …”
“Jayson,” Diane began, “I want u to …
confess to the Lord Jesus right now in front of me
all the sins u have committed against me.”
Now where the FUCK did that come from?
Ok before I carry on, some background on Protestantism for u
so that u guys / gals out there understand what Diane meant when she said that.
There is a verse in the Bible that urges Christians to
“confess your sins to one another so that u may be forgiven.”
Catholics extrapolate this verse to mean baring your heart to selected priests in confessional boxes.
On the other hand, Protestants maintain that although confessing your sins to God is of utmost importance,
meeting in cell groups to share and pray for one another’s struggles can also be an edifying activity.
Guys and girls will normally be grouped separately so as to allow for
the sharing and praying of deeper struggles, not excluding sexual ones.
In other words, what Diane was asking me to do was worse than bringing me to a police station!
If I were to meet the police, all I needed to do was to confess that it was simply an accident.
My conscience was clear, so no matter how Diane wanted to get me into trouble,
there was absolutely no way she is going to build a case against me if u think about it.
All the rest of the patrons in the cinema were so totally focused on Kate Winslet’s bare back
that none of them witnessed my hand on Diane’s breast at all.
They only witnessed me on the floor with pop corn all around. That was all.
Now I wouldn’t have minded going home and in my own personal time with God,
asking him to forgive me for this unintentional accident.
In fact, I would have done it anyway without Diane telling me
because even though I was no longer going to church and praying less,
today’s incident was serious enough for me to talk to God about it.
(Remember that I was only 16 years old then and still a virgin, just as Diane was.)
But Diane was now asking me to verbally talk to God right in front of her about what I have done!
How ridiculous was that?!
“But … but … Diane,” I protested, “this is crazy.
I can’t be talking to God abt you right in front of you.”
“WHY NOT?”
“Why, simply because … it’s … it’s just so weird right.
I mean, sure I can pray with my other brothers-in-Christ about this,
but I’ve never done this in front of girls, especially u.”
“I don’t see a difference between guys and girls.
I don’t think God discriminates too.
If this makes u feel better, then why don’t u just pretend I’m a guy?”
“But …”
“No more butts, Jayson.
We are not going home until u ask God to forgive u for
sinning against me,” Diane insisted.
“You may have stopped going to church and so have I,
but what u did was offensive in the eyes of God and to me,
and the Bible says not to let the sun go down on my anger.
If u do what I ask, I won’t be so angry at u anymore
because I will know that u r really sorry for what u done.”
With a sigh and left with no choice, I relented.
There really was no other way out of this mess I got myself into,
so I closed my eyes, bowed my head,
pretended that Diane in front of me was the Lord Jesus
or some other brother-in-Christ,
and proceeded to pray thus:
“Lord Jesus, I am sorry for having touched Diane’s left breast.”
Diane’s face flushed. My eyes were still closed so I didn’t see it,
but I knew because she told me many months later.
“She doesn’t seem to believe me,
but since You know all things surely You know it was an accident.
You know my heart, Lord,
so please help her to know that I really didn’t intend it.
I have sinned against her, so pls comfort her and calm her down
and help her to forgive me too.”
Now this next part of my prayer is totally uncalled for.
Of course, in retrospect, I now realise that,
but at that time, I was only 16 years old.
Diane was upset, she wanted me to confess all my sins against her,
and I was really into the flow of talking to God abt everything,
so I wanted her to be pleased with my perfectly honest confession.
As a result, this was how I carried on:
“I have sinned against Diane in other areas too, Lord Jesus.
You know that I always had a thing for her
for the longest time since we met.
I confess to having improper thoughts towards her both during and after church,
and lately you know I have been masturbating myself to sleep
while having wicked lustful thoughts of her smiling at me
with that cute little shy smile
and seducing me by engaging me in all kinds of compromising positions.”
“Err … Jayson, stop …” Diane whispered.
But her voice was so soft that I could barely hear her.
“I know it’s wrong Lord Jesus but I can’t help it.
Also today, the green dress she’s wearing today is so gorgeous.
I feel so happy and excited just by seeing her wearing it.
So when Kate Winslet’s bare back was exposed,
I confess to imagining that Diane was the one posing naked in front of me
while I, Leonardo de Caprio, was the one painting her
and touching her there ….”
I couldn’t even finish my sincere prayer to God with an Amen.
Another painful slap stung the other side of my cheek.
“JAYSON, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT! HOW DARE U!”
I opened my eyes and looked up to see Diane’s face
turning redder than a tomato, mouth open in total shock.
And in a split of a second, she was gone.
She didn’t even bother saying goodbye to me.
I never saw Diane again for the rest of the year.
Quotation from A W Tozer, famous classic Christian author:
“I do not believe in promiscuous confession.
If it has been forgiven and I know that confessing it
to the public will not do any good,
then I believe it ought to be put where God put it,
under the blood and left there, world without end.
A full confession must be made to God
where I cannot make it to man.
I have committed many sins that
I cannot confess to people for various reasons.”
Thank you so much everyone for showing support
to my life story so far.
I took a very long break somewhere in between my story,
and lost some readers along the way.
So this time I will try to be a bit more consistent in updates
if there continues to be interest among you.
Also, to the kind bro / sis who added me +12 points
with the comment ‘keep it up bro’ at 6:12pm today,
could u kindly leave a comment here so that
I can return the favour?
Thank u for yr support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
BowieKnife
Do please continue with your story soon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tribeca
Do please continue …
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tuikboo
Ts give us a tour of your darkside.☺
Quote:
Originally Posted by
McSpicyDouble
Please continue
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Myanmar
Nice story, thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
bizbiz
Quote:
Originally Posted by
XXLstormtrooper
Bravo. Good stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
KepCorp
Camping here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tarma69
TS, I really enjoy reading your sharings! Very humorous… please keep them cumming!
Thanks bros for the support.
In those days, there was no mobile phone
but there was this thing called the pager.
I did page Diane at least a hundred times
throughout the end of the year,
leaving voice messages to ask her to forgive me,
begging her to at least respond to me,
telling her I miss her,
and swearing to God that I would never masturbate
while thinking of her ever again etc.
But of course, my last message to her was a total lie.
How could I stop thinking of my princess
ever since she wore that sexy green floral dress?
I must be an idiot not to masturbate to her
kissing me and trying to seduce me into
taking away her fragile virginity …
You must also remember that in those days,
internet porn was already available
with the recent advent of Windows 95
but very few people had a personal computer to wank to.
My parents were not exactly rich and I was too young and poor
to buy one myself, so compared to all u youngsters out there now,
people in my time had very little material to masturbate to.
It was tough for us, but after the Titanic movie,
I had so many wonderful memories and images
which provided rich fodder for me to get off at least 3 times a day
while thinking of my pure innocent goddess.
Diane only replied twice to my hundred over messages.
All my messages were voice mail,
which were at least more authentic and personal.
However, Diane’s messages were delivered
through the service provider’s message operator.
I could not even get to hear her beautiful sweet coy voice.
Let me explain to the younger ones out there.
In those days, there were 3 ways to page someone.
One was to simply leave your home number on the pager
so he could call and just talk,
two was voice message which was what I did,
three was to leave a message on the pager using the abc function,
which was what she did.
Think of the third way as a primitive form of sms or whatsapp,
except that with sms or whatsapp
u r the one who is able to type a message directly
to the person u want to communicate.
In my time, it was more troublesome as we needed a third party.
So u can imagine how embarrassing it was for Diane to actually
tell the pager operator to leave such a message on my pager:
“Have you repented of your sexual fantasy towards me yet?”
I mean, honestly, is she an idiot or what?
What the fuck was wrong with her?
At least if she left a voice mail, it would have been less embarrassing.
She actually dared to tell an anonymous operator
to type this kind of message.
While typing, the operator must be thinking in her mind,
“This crazy bitch really needs to see a psychiatrist.”
But of course being 16 years old at that time, I replied:
“Yes, I repented.
I swear to God I stopped thinking about you already.
Er … I mean … no. I didn’t really stop thinking about you.
But I just stopped thinking about you THAT way.
Please can we meet again. I just want to say sorry.”
Which was of course again the biggest lie in the whole white world.
Now, I thought of nothing else except about her in THAT way.
Her final reply through the pager operator:
“That’s good. But I will never see u again. Goodbye.”
Which broke my heart totally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DBSBAnk
TS, pls continue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ah rat
Bump & Up yr thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kuasimi
SINGLE LADY: WHY CHRISTIANS CANNOT & SHOULD NOT DATE NON-CHRISTIANS
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tuikboo
Bro your writing is excellent. Keep it coming. Thank you. Cheers
Thanks Bro Tuikboo for yr support.
This next entry will be quite boring,
so I apologise to all bros & sis who want to see
more action of a sexual sort.
You may want to skip this entry.
There should be more sex in subsequent entries (I hope):
I got 13 points for my Prelims for L1R5,
so initially, together with Diane, we both applied to go to
Anglo Chinese Junior College (ACJC) for the first 3 months.
Diane was smarter than me and got 9 points for her Prelims,
but she still chose to go to ACJC
even though she could have gone to the better top 5 JCs
as she claimed it was a Christian JC.
Of course, it was only much later when she confessed to me that
she applied there only because she knew I was going there.
(Most ACS and MGS students like to go ACJC
because they are affiliated.
This meant u could deduct 2 points from yr L1R5 if u chose to go there.)
(To younger ones out there: I know that in your current time,
the actual ‘O’ level results are the only ones that matter,
but in my primitive time,
our Prelims determined where we would go for the first 3 months,
and when actual ‘O’ Level results were released by the end of March,
that would determine whether we were able to stay in the same JC,
go to a better one, or drop-out to go Poly.
2 points would be deducted if we stayed in the same JC or Poly.)
I used the word ‘initially’ in the first paragraph because
after Diane told me she didn’t want to see me ever again,
I decided not to go to ACJC even though my application to ACJC
was already successful.
This was because I felt hurt, rejected and angry.
I was furious at not one but two people: Diane and God.
Diane, obviously because I honestly did not know
what I had done to deserve two tight slaps on my face
on my first romantic date with my goddess princess.
I mean of course I knew what I had done,
but it was the subsequent cold shoulder she gave me
that was truly devastating.
God, because my perfect honesty before Him had caused me
to lose Diane. If I continued to believe in the Lord Jesus,
it is highly likely that there will come a time when
He will ask me to choose between Him and Diane,
the same way God asked Abraham to sacrifice
his son Isaac on the Old Testament altar,
simply to test if he placed God as first priority.
So on the first day of school, instead of making my way to ACJC,
I took a train all the way to Anderson Junior College (AJC)
at Ang Mo Kio to appeal to the Arts Stream there.
I stayed near Commonwealth MRT
so it was naturally more convenient to go ACJC at Buona Vista,
but I didn’t care anymore.
I didn’t want to be a Christian anymore,
so why should I go to a Christian JC where
they have devotion every morning
and chapel every Monday?
Moreover, seeing Diane every day in school would be awkward.
Not only would I be reminded of the dreadful thing I had done,
she might even tell everyone in ACJC what a pervert I had been.
And I won’t have a chance with any other girl
for the rest of my 2 years there
cos she tarnished my reputation.
Thankfully, my appeal to Anderson Junior College was successful,
and I was happily settled in for the first 3 months,
without both God and Diane to remind me of my embarrassing past.
After the first 3 months, I was able to stay in AJC
because I got 11 points for my actual ‘O’ levels,
better than my previous 13 points.
I was happily celebrating my permanent stay in AJC
when on the first day of April, my beautiful goddess Diane,
together with the rest of the second-intake students,
strolled in through the gates of Anderson Junior College
to disrupt my peaceful haven forever …