Quote:
Originally Posted by
PeteTsang69
bro TS …
can explain u married, yet can booked weekend alone and now travel overseas alone …
not asking for tips how you did it
…just wanting to know more details thats all…cheers jia you!
Lies, a lot of lies. My advice, if you never start, don’t. Its a hole so deep you either die of your own guilt or you become a total bastard. I became both a bastard and died of my own guilt
Something was different, something was missing. I really couldn’t explain it but it almost felt like the woman i love was leaving for good.
It has been 2 days since she left, takes about 4 hours to Beijing than another 2 hours to transit back to her home town. Should have messaged me by now but there was none. She did told me before she left that her local SIM card could not be use there and the card she was using before can’t be use anymore bcoz her family had forgotten to renew the contract thus it had expired. I know there could be a lot of other reasons that she couldn’t send me a message but the ones that kept lingering in my head was all the negative ones. Did she lost her phone? Did something happened to her? Her message used to be so prompted and i knew how much she depended on her phone, all the chats and other stuffs, she would have got a replacement SIM if i knew her. Soon, my mood started to spiral downwards and i was feeling damn emo and moody again. Feels like i was going into depression, the uncontrollable mood swing. I had no mood for anything, not food or even mood for work. My eyes was fixed on my phone, waiting for the familiar beep and that green light to come on. I knew it was pointless to call since she had turned off the phone on the local SIM. The 2 days of communication silence felt like a decade, what was going on?
It was Tuesday morning, i had no mood to go to work but still i have my responsibility to fulfill thus i got up from bed reluctantly. First thing i did when i opened my eyes was to check my phone, still no message. I was getting a little upset rather than emo now. What the hell could be holding her that she can’t even send me a freaking message?? Got out of the house with vengeance in mind, almost like i wanted to kill anyone that rub me wrongly that day. I wanted to hit someone, i wanted to destroy something. The journey to work was even horrible, everyone that boarded the train, there was always something that i found fault with: stupid dressing….ugly face…..PRC…..damn the PRC…I HATE PRC!! Just as i was about to hit the climax of my anger, it finally happened….the BEEP!! I moved at lightning speed to unlocked my phone and i gave a sigh of relief, it was from her. And instead of a normal message, she left a voice message:
M: 宝贝！非常对不起！到现在才短信你。一直没机会去买充值卡然后家人都搞得我晕头转向。(bab y! i’m so sorry! only now i had the chance to message you. Didn’t had the chance to go back the value card and my family been pestering till i’m dizzy now)
The tone of her voice, it was like a magic pill that took all the negativity away in a instance. I wasn’t angry anymore, in fact, i wanted to cry. She knew i must be crazy with anticipation by now so she sent me a voice message instead. I replied back to her via message bcoz i’m not used to leaving voice messages. We continued messaging each other throughout my entire journey to work, it felt like we hadn’t met each other for 10 years. Or at least it felt like that to me. She uploaded photos of her home at her home town, her family and the food they ate. How i wished i was there with her.
1 week had passed quickly and it would be another one and a half week of communication blackout, bcoz her husband will be flying up to meet up with her. I told her if she can’t message me, then just upload photos to let me know she was ok. Sigh, sometime i don’t know whether i am a sadist or what. The photos she uploaded were all with her husband and her family together. She used to tell me that with her husband, there was no love, she only married him bcoz before she met me, he was there for her and she just wanted someone to take care of her as she was tired of being alone. But when i saw the photos they took together, that smile, the way they hugged each other when taking photos, that looked like someone in love. I knew the pain that i would experienced when i saw those pictures but i can’t control myself. I would automatically go to my phone to see if she had uploaded any new photos. Then apparently this trip back, they had planned to have a wedding banquet to invite all the folks at home for their wedding. I was burning with jealousy when i saw all those photos. How beautiful she looked, how happy she looked. Then 2 days after the wedding, they had planned for a studio family shot as well. Gosh! I wanted to slam my phone against the wall! I wanted to kill him!!! But i took a deep breath and let rational took over. How could she not post them? Her husband doesn’t know about us so if she didn’t post then it will attract questions. Even if she wasn’t, she had to pretend she was happy and excited and all. Was she pretending or she was really happy? Sigh. All the pain i put myself through. But i told myself, her happiness was all that matters, as long as she is happy, does it really matter? Even though i was able to convinced myself to believing that, deep inside there was still unsettled feelings. I began losing my sleep, each night i slept barely for 2 hours. I didn’t had mood for food, i kept making mistakes at work. I couldn’t concentrate, all i cared about was that the date for my flight would come soon so that i could fly over to see her.
It was a grueling 3 weeks but i finally made it through, i am finally on my way to the airport. Told my wife that i will be going to my oversea plant to do audit, i packed like i was going for work and just some winter wear as M’s home town was still cold at that time, -20 degrees. My wife drove me to the airport and i kissed her goodbye and we hugged before i got into custom, i felt bad for all the lies but i couldn’t care less. All i wanted was to zoom myself to see M. I was early at the airport so i walked around the duty free shops. I passed by Swarovski at Terminal 2 so i decided to go in to take a look. We didn’t celebrate Valentine Day together so i wanted to get her a present, and i bought this necklace for her. I knew she won’t be able to wear anything too obvious as her husband might get suspicious so i specifically chosen something she could get for herself and thought to myself: I think she will like this. Another hour before boarding, timing seems good with no new of delay so that was good. I walked to Starbucks and got myself a latte. Uploaded a photo of my latte on WeChat while checking in my location. I couldn’t message her as her husband was still around, the funny thing was, the flight that i was taking? He would take the same flight back to SG. But as her family would be sending him off from the airport so she couldn’t pick me up. However, she had left me directions and i was no stranger to travelling alone plus it was in China so i had no problem with communication. Made my way to the boarding gate and there it was quite pack, just like how it was for M when she flew. Saw a few pretty and cute SYT but i wasn’t too concerned about them like i usually would, before i met M, i would used this opportunity to get to know these SYT and hope that i would get lucky, after all i wasn’t hideous. Pretty presentable and i knew both chinese and english so i know PRC dig that. But i didn’t do any of those and i realized how much M had changed me, more than i could have ever imagined. Power of love? Haha. So i decided to keep to myself, playing on my own phone and just waited. Flight attendants started to come out and got ready for passengers boarding. As they started to call for boarding, i joined the queue slowly but not before i left a posting on WeChat to say that “Goodbye SG”, of course that was M to see. Spotted a few cute stewardesses but i choose to ignore them. Plane started moving very soon as the boarding procedures went on smoothly, soon, we were on the air. I was excited, can’t wait to see M, so much things i wanted to tell her and share with her while her absence. I wanted her to know how much i missed her, how much her presence here meant to me. These thoughts accompanied me throughout the flight until i finally dozed off.
Bling….bling….the lights in the cabin came on, we have finally arrived in Beijing. Got off the plane and it was freezing in Beijing, - 12 degrees i remembered. And as the news had reported, the haze situation was really bad there too, compared to the ones we have in SG, SG was like Genting Highland (minus the cold). The transit time was only an hour and i knew how crowded the custom was at Beijing so i quickly made my way there, didn’t want to miss the transit flight. And i was right, it was crowded but at least it was moving so that’s good, almost felt like crossing the JB causeway. I was cleared within 10 mins and just in time as the boarding gate just opened so i didn’t had to wait too long. Finally, 2 more hours and i can see my princess. Sometime, you really had to lose something to really understand their importance. Even though i didn’t lose her, but the separation almost drove me mad. The plane started moving and i was in the air again, filled with eagerness like a kid waiting to open his present on X’mas morning. I didn’t sleep this time as i had enough of sleep from the last flight and i was just too excited to really shut my eyes. But i had to get my mind off so that i won’t get a headache as i knew i would if i kept thinking about something constantly so i watched the in-flight entertainment just to burn time.
*To be continued………….
Time was good to me as before i knew it, i had reached my destination. Crossed the custom and after collected my luggage, i went to the taxi stand. Good weather at about - 10 degrees with not much wind. I boarded a taxi and gave the driver the address that M had passed me, took a few photos on my way there of the surrounding. Her home town is what is known as industrial zone so there was a lot of factories, in fact, Volkswagen China assembly plant is there as well. About 15 mins away from the airport, i reached the address that M had given me. A neighbourhood next to a giant field. I didn’t had the chance to get a SIM card so i used my phone to message M that i have arrived, never mind the oversea charges as nothing was more important than her. She replied saying that she was on her way back from the airport and was surprised i was even faster than her. So she told me to wait and if i was feeling cold, i could just go into the bank behind me which had heater inside. I was so eager to see her that i wasn’t feeling cold at all, ok ok, maybe just a little but i came prepared with my hootie and gloves. 10 mins later, i saw a familiar figure and then she was. After not seeing her for almost a month, she looked so beautiful with her black coat cover from neck to knee and with her little fashion boot. She greeted me with no hug, which was kinda disappointing but later then i found out that this place that i was waiting at is her home. Her family lived in a apartment upstairs but of course i never got to see it. She led me to the back of the street and we started to look for a hotel. She was hoping to get a decent hotel near her home so that it would be easy for her to run back and forth which also indicated that she won’t be staying with me throughout as she mentioned it would be difficult for her to do so bcoz of her family, they are all in a group chat which her husband was also inside so if anyone mentioned that she was not around then she would be in trouble. I understand her predicament so i didn’t make a issue out of it, after all, all i wanted was to spend time with her. After walking around for about 2 streets away, we came across a hotel which she didn’t recognize and it looked pretty decent from the outside so we decided to check it out, it was one of the Ibis group hotel. Rooms from the brochure looks ok and the price was pretty decent so we decided to take the room, of course she insisted to pay for me:
M: 这里是我的地盘，你来玩当然是我出钱。把钱收回去不然我生气了.(This is my place, you come to enjoy of course i will pay. Keep your money back or else i will be upset)
I didn’t wanna argue with her so i obliged. We collected the keys and went up to our room. The moment we were in, i expected her to suddenly turn around and give me a kiss or something but none of it happen. She examined the room and commented that it is actually very decent looking and just collapsed on the sofa. Perhaps she was tired or something so i went to unpacked my stuffs. But i must say i felt disappointed that she wasn’t as warm as i expected her to be, given the fact that we hadn’t seen each other for almost a month. Something was amiss here, something just didn’t feel right. She was still busy playing with her phone, messaging mostly. Then she said:
M: 对不起，今晚我不能留下来陪你因为有朋友要过来我家找我但是我没办法推掉。明天晚上我一定可以（Sorry , i can’t stay over with you tonight as my friends are coming to my place to look for me. Tomorrow night i will ok, promise)
Me：没事，你去忙你的吧。(Its ok, you go do your stuff)
Of course i wasn’t ok with it, i was very upset but i didn’t wanna kick up a big fuss on my first day there and spoil the rest of the trip. She went with me for a quick bite before she left and kept apologizing. Then the first day was over. I went and got the Wifi password from the hotel receptionist and just stayed in the room the rest of the night. Occasional messages from her but suddenly i had this very distance feeling from her. I went to bed that night feeling miserable.
The next day came and she messaged me early too. Told me her aunt came to look for her to go hair saloon so she would only come over when she’s done which will probably be about noon time. I just replied ok and just stayed in the room. The rest of the morning i just stayed in the room and watched tv, luckily they had cable so could watched some US movies. I was getting a little irritated and started to regret coming for the trip. It was almost 230pm when she finally messaged that she was on her way over. The door bell rang and i ran over to opened the door. Once again, all the emo feel just faded away the moment i saw her but until now still no hug. She again collapsed on the sofa and i told her to shut her eyes:
M: 为甚么？（why?)
Me：你把眼睛闭上，有个惊喜（just close your eyes, have a surprise for you)
She closed her eyes as she was told and went to got the Swarovski necklace i bought for her. Put it on her neck and i asked her to open her eyes:
M: 谢谢你！怎么突然买礼物给我？（Thank you! Why suddenly buy present for me?)
Me: 情人节快乐！（Happy Valentine day!)
M: 唉呀，都已经过了而且我都没买礼物给你呗！（aiya, its already over and i also didn’t got you anything)
Me:没关系啦，你喜欢就好。（its ok, as long as you like it)
Can tell from her expression that she likes it but it wasn’t something that got her really excited which was again not what i expected. She started to strip and got out of her clothes as she likes to go naked when alone, and of course we ended up having sex. But even the sex felt funny, it wasn’t as passionate as usual. It was like doing it for the sake of doing it, it was great, but just a funny feeling to it i cannot explain. Something seems to be in her mind and it was really blocking her from connecting with me. She stayed over that night and we didn’t talk much as she was constantly either on her phone or watching the tv. The mood in me was really getting pretty bad and i have no idea if she felt it but even if she did, she wasn’t doing anything about it. The sky turned dark earlier there and it was already pitch dark by 7pm. She brought me to a nearby message place where we would get our massage both in the same room. The massage was good but i didn’t enjoyed it, i couldn’t help thinking about what was wrong here. The massage finished and we went for dinner after that before heading back to the hotel. I really really started to regret coming for the trip. It totally wasn’t what i envisioned it to be. I felt that M was so distance from me, when i talked to her, her replies was like one sentence responses; when we laid on the bed, she was on her side of the bed while i was on mine when in the past she would cuddle up next to me or at least laid on my shoulder. Was i thinking too much here? Or is she just tired? Nothing made sense and i really wanted some answer.
The next day we went for breakfast and she had to go home as she said she didn’t wanna her family to worry although they are used to her going out to friends house to stay a night or two. She said she would come over
after dinner so i waited. Then when evening came, i received a message from her saying that her mum seems to be not feeling well so she might come a bit later, just to make sure her mum was okay. I got really fed up when i saw the message and i replied saying that she should just stayed home to look after her mum. Her reply was: “好吧，那今晚我就不过来了因为我真的不放心她。（ok, then i won’t come over tonight as i really am concern over her)
Upon seeing her reply, i almost wanted to cry. I really wanted to. The next day i would going home already and i really wanted to spend more time with her but that was so abrupt and it almost felt like she didn’t want to spend time with me at all!! She messaged that tomorrow morning she would come over and go with me to the airport, her cousin would send us there as she mentioned to him that her colleague came over to work and visited her. If her cousin was going to be there, then what difference would it made if i go alone. So i told her its ok, don’t bother since we can’t be alone and don’t want her to go back and forth. She did made a few insists of coming and kept apologizing that she didn’t had much time to spend with me. But i was really upset by now. I insisted that no need and when i checked out the next day, i would like the deposit with the counter so asked her to come and collect it when she can. She said ok and reminded me to take care and messaged her when i reached the airport. The words exchanged was so cold, i think i replied to my boss more with more feelings than we were doing now. I couldn’t sleep that night again, i began to suspect i am starting to get insomnia. At about 2am that night, i was still wide awake and my mind just couldn’t get over the fact that how bad this trip went. I then decided to got up, went to the writing desk and took out a few pieces of paper and started writing:
“Baby, by the time you get this letter, i would have flown back to SG. I love you very much and i really was looking forward to this trip. But when i came and saw you on the first day, i felt like something was wrong but i didn’t wanna think too much about it. Then the next few days, i felt like you were so distance from me. Did something happen? What’s going on here with us? Do you still even love me??
Back in SG, just before you flew, i could already felt something was wrong. We barely had time to meet, after you moved in with him, your messages became lesser and i understood why. But even in office, you were constantly messaging your family and him but not to me. If you are tired of me or want to break up, please tell me. I understand the situation we are in right now and i don’t expect anything more from you. I just wanted to see you and hear your voice, even if it is just for a minute. I never wanted you to do anything that will cause you discomfort or made you feel guilty.
So if there is anything i ever ask from you, please be honest with me ok? I love you baby, now and forever”
*To be continued……..
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tiredstrides
Bro, I understand how you felt.
Take care.
The pain of losing someone you love will never go away.
You just learn to live with it.
Still trying but based on your response i think you have similar experiences and know how hard it can be
With that, the night continued with me sitting at the desk, looking blankly into the night sky. Dawn came and i prepared myself to go to the airport. Upon checking out, i left the deposit and the letter i wrote in a envelope and told the counter that M would be coming later to collect it. I went to the airport feeling damn sad and depressed. I came a happy man but left broken-hearted.
I turned my phone back on in Beijing but there was no message from M, she should have received the letter by now but. It was then I knew something was truly wrong, if there was no problem she should have replied immediately. The fact that the reply was delayed would only meant that what I wrote had some truth and she didn’t know how to respond to it. I sat there at the bench at the boarding gate, feeling alone and sad. I have never felt this alone before, it was like the people in the airport was non-existence and I was all alone in a black void, an endless void where no one can hear me or reach out to me. I took out my phone constantly and kept browsing through her photos. What did I do wrong? Was I being too much for her? But I never asked her for anything that she couldn’t give such as insisted time with me. I wanted to be just by her side whenever she needs me. I wanted to be her guardian angel that will be there when she is happy so that I can share her joy, be there when she is sad so that she has a shoulder to lean on or at least be there when she has a problem at work and I can give her some advice, if not, just be a listening ear. Was I being too over-bearing? So much thoughts went through my mind and the more I thought, the more I felt like crying. I could feel the first drop on its way so I immediately tilted my head upwards to prevent it from dropping. I could still hear people chattering about, footsteps and trolleys moving around, and the announcement of the PA system. The announcement finally came for my flight to be boarded and so once again, I joined the queue to board. The scene seemed so familiar, the last time I did this, I came with so much anticipation and excitement. But now, all im left with was a empty and hallow shell. I was so tired, I could barely moved my body as if my soul had been drained dry from the body. I knew what I was doing but I just couldn’t control my emotion. I got to my seat, got a window seat this time but I didn’t had the mood to enjoy the view. The moment the flight took off, I adjusted myself to sleep. Perhaps all these was a bad dream, maybe when I wake up, everything will be fine. Maybe…..
The plane arrived in SG right on time and by then, my phone had no more battery. Just as well, maybe there was still no message from her and my wife came to picked me up so I won’t be able to read or reply her anyway. I had to pretended that I was happy to see my wife, it was not that she was repulsive or anything but I just can’t find the joy within. She noticed that there was something wrong with me and kept asking if I was ok but I simply replied that I am tired from the flight. Just a few causal exchanges about the weather and how the “work trip” went, had to be very careful about what I said so that everything tied back to my endless lies. From the airport to my home was less than 20 mins so I was more than glad that I didn’t had to had more small talks with her. Poor thing, all these time she didn’t even know that her bastard husband was cheating and lying to her. I got home, dropped my luggage and brought my phone to charged. Went for a quick shower, I didn’t turn on the heater as I wanted the cold water to calm me down. It was already very late so my wife crashed out before I came out from the shower, I walked to the my desk to checked my phone, the green light was on. She finally replied, or was that an message that came in from someone else. But that will be highly impossible as almost everyone I know will Whatsapp me while only a few will WeChat message me. Took a deep breath and unlocked my phone, it was from her. I didn’t immediately read the message, I wasn’t prepared for what possibly could come. Went to the kitchen and got myself a can of Coke Zero, turned on the fan at the study while I transferred the charging of the phone there. Sat down on my chair, I looked up to the ceiling and mentally prepped myself. This was her reply:
“Yes, your feeling was right. I distanced myself from you. Not because I didn’t love you anymore but because I didn’t know how to face myself. When I first saw you downstairs my house on the first day, the thought that came to my mind was: What kind of woman am i?? My husband barely left me and here I am meeting another man, at my home town!! I couldn’t face myself, the guilt and sadness which really tormented me! I knew how I would have felt that was why I didn’t want you to come in the first place. But then, I knew you really wanted to be here so I gave in.
You kept wanting a status between the both of us, but how do you want to define us? Definitely not boyfriend/girlfriend. Lovers? But I think both of us have more feelings for one another than a fling or rendezvous relationship. Is really a status that important? Can’t we be more natural? I am truly disappointed over your letter. I thought by now you understood me. What I want is the feeling between 2 person, with a look in the eyes you would know the care and concern. Without words, you would know that I am always thinking about you. With you around, I feel safe. Doesn’t mean that I don’t see you then I don’t think about you. Or when I don’t message you means you are not important. To you, you deemed relationship as something physical or something you can see or touch, then to you, that’s real. You will believe it exist. That’s our difference.
Please don’t think too much, I really expected you to be more matured than this. Maybe we both needed sometime away to think things though between us.”
The message really was like a knife through my heart. I kept on reading over and over again. I knew what kind of relationship we are in and I have never asked for anything more than what she can give. So where was all these thoughts coming from? Isn’t it normal for a man to miss a woman if he loves her? Is it too much to ask that as and when you can, you will drop me a message to let me know how you are or you miss me? My heart sank, and for the first time, I regretted being in this relationship. I gave my heart to her yet it was tossed back to me like some unwanted piece of paper. I remembered when we started, our messages was so much that it exceeded her data plan! I remembered that it was her that messaged me most of the time as I never knew if her husband was around her so the deal was that she will messaged me when its safe for her. Gosh!! I never cried so much for a woman before and I hated myself for being like that. What did I do wrong that you have to treat me like this? If it is so difficult for you, why not just break up with me? Just say it, I will back off. The tears was warm and endless, streaming down so much it wetted my shirt. I sobbed silently as I didn’t want my wife to hear. I grasped my fist so tightly that the nails bended. I started to trembled, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t focus. I wished that I could have died there, just take my life! I am no better than being dead after what I read. It was a horrible experience! Why…..why…..why…..
*To be continued……………
I didn’t sleep that night until about 4am. I just couldn’t close my eyes, in my mind, the contents of the message kept flashing. Why the fuck did i allowed myself to be hurt again? Fucking stupid! Fucking messed up! Fucked….no, i can’t. I can’t get mad at M, there was no way i could ever be mad at her. I was way too in love with her, in the midst of my sadness, all i could remembered was how nice it was to hold her hands, the fragrance of her hair whenever i stand behind her on the escalator, how she would throw her princess tantrum when she can’t get her ways with me, how soft her lips felt wjen we kissed, how her cheeks would look liked a hamster whenever we go for a meal. There was no fault that i could find in her and for that, i hated myself. I started to sobbing but tried my best to be as quiet as possible so that my wife won’t hear. It was only after 330am that i finally stopped and by then, i was having a massive migraine. I told myself i need to stop thinking, just take a breather and control my emotions. Got up from my seat and left the phone there continuing its charging, went to my bedroom and laid next to my wife. I turned my face away just in case she wakes up and see the tear marks. I was tired by now, i started drifting off to sleep, hoping and praying that God would have mercy and give me a good dream….
Woke the next day and felt like i had a wild night out drinking but i can’t drink to save my life. Opened my eyes and looked around the room, reality sucks! I wasn’t dreaming of last night, it did happened. The moment i established that reality, the pain came back with a vengeance. But this time, i was able to think more rationally. Thinking about the message she wrote, was it true? Was i really giving her those pressure? Yes i did. As we got closer, I wanted more. More time, more physical. But how could she? She was already married and she had to fulfill her responsibility to her husband. No matter how much she loved me, there had to be a bottomline with me and that was where i failed. I was ready to throw my marriage out for her. And of course with that kind of mentality, i adopted a limitless attitude with M. I was just plain selfish, both to M and my wife. Its all about what i wanted, but did i factor in the pain and guolt M was going through? I thought all along she was on the same mindset as me and she would want what i wanted as well. Thank God for her sanity. At least between the 2 of us, there was 1 person that could think rationally. If we were both single, then this wouldn’t have happened but the truth was, we are Not. I had to forced myself to accept the truth, she wasn’t playing me, she loved me. But she was being true to life, fulfilling her rightful obligations as a wife. Come to think of it, if she really could ditch her husband just like that, then what’s stopping from doing the same to me when the next best guy comes along? Yes, i let what i wanted became such a strong desire that it became the greater evil in me. Perhaps sounding alittle too drama but it was just that. A line must be drawn, or else we not get ourselves hurt, we will hurt those innocent parties as well just bcoz we couldn’t control ourselves.
There was a few messages exchanged after that incident, but none was to talked about the message she sent. A week later on 8th April, she was back in SG. No message from her but i knew she would have picked up by her husband so she couldn’t. By then, i was so disturbed that i had to resort to taking sleeping pills to sleep. There was no way i could sleep on my own and not jumping up awake.
The next working day came and she reported back to work, we greeted each other rather politely and immediately i could feel a sense of awkwardness in the air. The damages had been done, there was already a crack in our relationship and all thanks to me! Now, its my turn that i couldn’t face her. After acknowledging the hurt i have caused her, i thank God she still treated me like a friend but i was too ashamed to ask her out or anything alone anymore. Things between us took a drastic change and colleagues around us could sense it. People started to asked if we had gotten into a quarrel or something. To some, we are really good friends so it was weird that we suddenly stopped talking in office. While others could sensed that there was something special between us but chose to remain quiet and not probed.
Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, we hadn’t gone out like we used to for more than 2 months by now. Her birthday just passed and i quietly slipped her bday present into her drawer. Then i bought a cake but had it courier to office. She knew it was from me so she messaged me thanks, she then used the cake to celebrated with her colleagues. Now, i only know about whats going on in her lofe through social media updates. Everytime she posted a photo of herself, i cropped out the portion of the photo with her in it and saved it in my QQ account. Every now and then i would returned to the playground at her old place, took the seat we used to sit at and pretended that she was there with me. Inwould sometime messaged that i missed her but she would never respond. Then photos of her and her husband became more and more. Even though it hurt but i still kept looking at them. I started to really accepted the truth that as long as she is happy, so will i…..
*To be continued…….
Quote:
Originally Posted by
weewee23
Take care, TS. Your story makes me emo too. maybe you shld pay more attention to your wife. Does she even knows anything?
By the way, is M from changchun??
She doesn’t know and this is one secret im bringing to my grave. And bingo on the location.
The distance became even greater than before. Now, its only down to the morning messages. Apart from asking if she need breakfast, we had nothing to talk about. But as time passes, the pain within became more bearable although not lesser. By now, she had moved into her new house. Her husband would come and picked her up from work everyday. At work, she don’t stay at her desk as much as before, she either runs to the production line a lot or even when she was at her desk, she was also busy messaging but i wasn’t the receiving end like before. I was slowly becoming a another chapter in her life. What a whirlwind we had. From beginning subtly till a full blown relationship and to where we are now, it was barely a year.
Coming to work was starting to become a drag. The work hasn’t change for me but it was bcoz i had to come and sit facing her but to her i was simply transparent. Then one day i got a call from an ex-colleague, he had a job opportunity for me in China and asked if i have the time to fly up for a interview. Perfect timing, just when i needed a break, this trip will definitely do some good for me. Although i wasn’t sure if i should let her know and i struggled for awhile but eventually i thought why not. Just to see if she had any responses. After i messaged her of my plans, she only replied “ok”. Well, it stung and i totally asked for it but i didn’t put too much thoughts to it. But just on the day before i fly, she started messaging me on her own without me initiating it.
M: 东西准备好了吗？ (got everything ready?)
Me: 已经好了，谢谢关心 (all done, thanks for asking)
M: 祝你好运，希望一切顺利 (wishing you all the best, hope everything will go well)
Me: 嗯，希望如此 (yup, hope so too)
That was the last message, so stranger so cold. The message made me doubt if we were even in love at all just a few months ago. Seems like its really all over for us. Although i i didn’t show it but inside my heart, i was weeping. That oh so familiar sour feel within, it was slowly creeping up. But i forced all the negativity down with one gulp of breath. I promised myself that i would stop doing this to myself. Her happiness was all that matter now and if she is happy with her husband, i will be happy for her.
The next day came and i decided to go to work and leave for the airport directly after that. It was another ordinary day for me, usual morning meetings and con calls to attend. Lunch came and as usual i went for lunch alone, apart from M, i didn’t really clicked with anyone else at work. Then the all familiar green light beeped on my phone, i had a funny feeling it’s going to be her and it was.
M: 希望你面试成功, 几点的飞机 (all the best for your interview, what time you leaving)
Me: 谢谢你，今晚七点。所以会早走。(thanks, tonight 7pm flight so will leave office early.)
M:也许这次真的是你生命的一个转机，好好努力吧。只要你过的好就好啦。多远我都会替你开心，为你祝福的。 找到新女朋友记得告诉我啊，找个脾气好点的，别像我这样的。还有啊，看人要小心点，女孩子会骗人的太多了， 别辛辛苦苦去做工作结果让人家骗财骗色。(hope that this is a turning point in your life, all the best! As long as you are doing fine, no matter how far i will be happy for you, giving you all my blessing. And if you find a girlfriend, must tell me, don’t find someone like me with a bad temper. And please judge people carefully, there are many girls that swindles. Don’t let your hard earn money be conned plus body.)
Me:不知道说什么好。以后的事会怎么样我们不知道，你只要记得现在我对你怎么样就好。如果新加坡这里是让 我放不下的，那就是你。这辈子没缘，希望下辈子我会聪明机灵点快点找到你。再让你爱上我。不管以后发生什么 事情，谢谢你爱过我。真的，除了这样讲我不知道怎么表达你对我的重要性。(i don’t know what to say. We dont know what will happen in the futue, but you only need to remember how i feel about you now. If there is something in SG that i can’t let go, that would be you. Our fate in this lifetime may have ended, but i hope in the next i will be smart and fast enough to find you quickly. Make you fall in love with me again. No matter what happened, thank you for loving me. Really, apart from this i dont know how else to express how much you mean to me)
M:虽然教你这些，心里有点酸酸的，可是也是没有办法的事情嘛，迟早会发生的。(Having said all this to you, i still feeling sourish within. But this inevitable, it will happen sooner ot later.)
Me:老实说，一直到今天，我还是希望最后我们有结果。是很傻我知道，但是我已经没办法不爱你了。我会有这 个安排，也是希望我们以前说的东西，真的有那一天我能把答应的全部做到。我知道你一定会骂我但是有时候，我 还是会去到以前那个公园坐一下，想象你还在我身边。我就是那么傻傻的爱着你宝贝。我不容易爱上别人，爱真的 是个很不容易的一个字。但是当我说出时，除非你亲口说不要我，不然这辈子我都会守着这个承诺。(frank ly speaking, i still hope for a future between us. I know this is very silly, but i cannot stop loving you. Why i decided to take this offer, was that i hope i can use this chance to fulfill all the things we used to talked about. I know you probably will scold me but sometime, i would still go the playground and sit there alone, imagining that you are there with me. I still love you like a fool. I don’t fall in love easily as love has much responsibility. But when i say i do, unless you tell me in the face that you no longer want me, i will keep this promise for the rest of my life.)
*To be continued………
Thanks TS for supporting my story. As i am now in China SZ so my updates will be slow due top bad reception and my interview. Stay tunned!
*So sad to hear so much stories and people that can relate to mine. All i can say is that we can plan for the best but in the end we are just pawn in our own destiny. I wished the best for everyone.