Tales from the Istana - Part VIII a
(by Bro scrobal of Boss Sammy’s Alfresco Cafe forum)
Samy’s Curry, East Coast Rd, Old Joo Chiat Police Stn: 10.00pm, 20C, aircon, soft Indian music permeating the air
Old Man: I say Bang, trust you to find a good spot.
Pres: Yah lah, good choice, Bang.
Wok: No one will recognise us here because the lights are dim
Old Man: I thought it was in dempsey road, did they shift.
Wok: 2nd outlet
Old Man: Did you know every tom, dick and harry in Govt used to go to Samy’s at least once a month. Sometime our cainet meeting gets screwed up because these buggers eat a lot and then can’t keep a awake.
Wok: thats why they called it “pukul mati”
Pres: Boss, I think we can speak more freely here. In case you did not realise none of our conversations appear in sammyboy when we scale the Istana wall and leave for supper.
Old Man: You are right. ActuallyI told Bang to pick us up early from the western wall to provide a change of scenery. Quite borring that the tales always start at the Istana Guardhouse. After what you said, maybe I screwed it up.
Pres: Aiyah, good opportunity to ask some personal question. Bang, do you use viagra.
Wok: no lah, gua natural. Look after your body and sleep early to give it a good rest. That’s why I was pleased when Harry called and asked me to come early. By the way, I called Eddie. He said if he can get a lift, he will drop by.
Old Man: Look, no doctor will give an old man viagara. Your best chance is across the causeway.
Pres: you lucky, your daughter is a doctor.
Old Man: Friend, I told you many times, I only climax every 5 years when we win the election.
Old Man: By the way, did you see our SPH Malaysia bureau chief article on facts and fiction on the internet.
Pres: Good work and covered all angles without imposing his own agenda. Some more did not talk about a journalist holding the monopoly on information exchange like some dumb prick that we have here.
Wok: Why you fellas still in politics. Give it rest. There is a time and place for everything. Learn to smell roses, let others take over. Ahhhh, he is Eddie. Good to see you Ed. Here, sit sit here and give me your walking stick.
Eddie: Wah lan, how come got reunion. Good to see you fuckers.
Old Man: so how are you. Who dropped you off.
Eddie: Tired of waiting for the family, I just called a cab. Not bad, the guy spoke English, certainly better than the school principals that we have.
Old Man: Eddie, don’t start. You and Raja gave me hell everytime I raised the language issue in cabinet.
Eddie : You explain to me why the standard of written and spoken english has dropped so badly.
Old Man: Aiyah, why look at me, I don’t run the show anymore.
Pres: Boss, pleeez - you are still in cabinet
Old man: Bro, don’t be an arsehole.
WoK: Also don’t be like like Mahathir, retire but give heavy artillery from the sidelines
Old Man:that not my style.
Eddie: So when will you place your trust with Singaporeans
Old man: Guys, let be fair here. Isn’t Singapore a better place by most standards
Eddie: That’s my point. When will you trust Singaporeans to take over from you.
Pres: Hey, the Madras mutton is getting cold and no one is eating it.
Wok: Bro, its a dynamite in your body. Just stick to Chicken and fish.
Old Man: Fellas, I already have a stent in me, I get one more bloackage and Choo will know that I have been scaling the fence again. I have to pass. You kin wacked with a frying pan once, and beleive me, you will toe the line.
Eddie: I too pass, can’t chew anymore, the gigi will fly if attack from the wrong angle.
Pres: You guys can sure screw up a good meal. I just lost my appetite.
Wok: Eddie I was telling these bozos to take it easy. When there was a fight we were there. Remember KL - Raja, Keng Swee, Ah Chye and you Eddie writing the separation agreement. We fought hard, got a compromise and we began building the country.
Eddie: I don’t think we finished what we started. We did not integrate singapore into a homogenenous society: We are still separated by race and religion.
Old Man: Ok Eddie, let me tell you where I have failed. Its is exactly that. And I will be honest, I can’t work out the solution. Its a political timebomb. I thought I was gong to be assasinated when I closed down the Chinese stream education in 81 and merged Nanthah and Nus.
Eddie: So what’s next
Old Man: You know when we started on this journey in 65, the Malay community spoke Malay predominently, Chinese began speaking English while Indians spoke english competently and the Eurasions had their distinct brand of English. The written form was universal British Straits Settlement version. In 2003, the Malays speak English within the household and in their community except in the presence of their elders. The Chinese have resorted to Mandarin as their medium and the Indians have lost their command of English. Get into a bus, the MRT, the foodcourt and you will realise the change and I can’t figure it out. Read the forum page, more mina and mahchik writing with good english. Seems that Malay will be the new elite. By the way, Eddie can’t you your Gragoh gang to take care of the ball licking nitwit Lionel.
Wok: So how.
Old Man: I thought we will evole like the US, Australia, UK where second generation migrants speak very good English and in the same style. Here however we still can tell the race by the way the language is spoken and even written.
Wok: We need a truly Singaporean identity
Eddie: Spot on. Something that the people are proud of.
Pres: I always suggested use our food as our national identifier.
Old Man: Bro, can you shut the fuck-up. Stop thinking with your stomach. You sound like STPB, who still can’t think out of the box.
Eddie: What about the orchid
Old Man: NTUC fucked it up. They ran it up the flagpole and now people think that the Orchid motiff is NTUC coporate wardrope. There is still the Singapore girl in her Sarong Kebaya, the merlion, we lost bugis street but after that the well dries up.
Eddie: It reminds me of Yeo Hiap Seng. Soya bean was a winner and its was homegrown and it took only until recently for them to realise that the local coconut with pulp in a can is saleable.
Wok: what about chysanthemum tea.
Harry: Aiyah, thats from China. Eddie you are right. They had chicken curry in a can and they had it long before the Indians in Britain built up an empire on canned and package curries. We always seem to find out solutions elsewhere.
Pres: Not to mention our fucked up journalists. Instead of contributing with original ideas and thoughts, they will ask how high everytime we asked them to jump.
Wok: Frankly have our journalist ever contributed any ideas.
Eddie: I always felt that we should open our media and if they err, we correct them, if they don’t listen let our boys in ISD sort them out.
Pres: Yah lah, ISD is so fucking bored that will jump in. Lets also get the bastard who keeps recording our conversations and lock him up as well.
Old Man: Bro, don’t be fucking idiot. You want to lock him about for reporting ad verbatim what we said.
Pres: oh oh, ok.
Wok: I don’t get it Eddie, you want to open it up and then use the ISD.
Eddie: What I am saying is that we have to be brave and open. Take the gamble for the sake of the nation’s sanity. I am confident that there will be sensible people. If its gets bad, we still got the laws to tackle the crazies.
Eddie: Look at the Mr Brown incident. The reaction and the letter from little Ms B was overboard, venomous and below the belt. I thought she got personally raped by Mr Brown. If we had people with better english and brains, we would have cut him off, with subtle but suave use of the language. Instead we used a sledgehammer, pile driver, hydraulic jack and then yanked his column.
Waiter: Hello, closing time, can finish up or not.
Harry: Hey how come like that.
Wok: Aiyah, foreign talent, he has no clue who we are. Life has changed.
Wok: Eddie, I will drop you off after I drop these jokers off at the Istana.
Harry: No lah, send Eddie first. Even we go back both to the Istana, both of us will still talk cock behind the guardhouse.
Eddie: Can I join in.
Wok: Eddie these buggers still talking about saving singapore till they die. Somemore how you can climb in your condition and with the walking stick.
Eddie : Ok lah, send me back.
Pres: How we can divide up the bill.
Old Man: Eh, I did not bring the wallet
Pres: Boss, I am sick of your excuses. You already owe me for so many suppers.
Old man: Ok lah, pay day coming soon, I will pay up. You are fucking worse thah Ah Long San and the Chettiars put together.
Tales from Istana (Part X)
by Bro scrobal of Boss Sam’s Alfresco Cafe Forum
Behind the Guardhouse: 11pm, 24C, strong winds from the East.
Old Man: Bro, get the ladder.
Pres: Is Othman coming
Old Man: No Lah, after the bomoh story he is not coming here. Its HL.
Pres: What happenned, did she throw him out of the bedroom again.
Aiyah, tell him to get personal protection order. This is getting too much.
Old Man : Shadup lah, this is serious, I asked him to come. We both got to help him. Its probably the worst political crisis we going to face. There may be riots soon.
Pres: Oh Fuck, Boss, don’t tel me that it is the see hum fuckup.
Old Man: Yah Lah Bro. Pai seh. My mother is turning in her grave.
Old man: Hurry up lah, to the western wall.
Western Wall: 11.05pm
HL: psst, psst. Dad, you there
Old Man: Yah, hold on, M is raising the ladder. Meantime, scale up using the creepers.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old man: What the hell happenned to you. Where mee siam got hum. You blursotong or wat?
HL: I meant Laksa. It was a slip
Old Man: Don’t talk cock. When it comes to local dishes there is no such thing as a slip.
HL: No big issue. Some people might like hum in their mee siam
Old Man: Wahlow-ooh. You stupid or wat? You making my blood boil. Don’t let me take out my belt and give you 5 of the best right here and now.
Pres: HL, this is indeed serious. Only food has kept this country united, nothing else has. We kept the prices of egg, pork, fruits cheap. You know why - if their stomach are full and the food is great, they are unlikely to start a revolution. Did you not realise that our basket of food in the CPI index is basically stagnant despite all other thing going sky high.
Old Man: Ever heard of pork briani, orange bandung, chicken pieces in Kway Teow.
HL: I ate Kway Teow in Australia with chicken pieces.
Old man: You going to get it now.
Pres: Easy boss, let me talk to him.
Pres: HL. You are the PM of Singapore. I expected better from you. Years ago, Keng Swee said that there is no sacred cows in politics. Well he was wrong. Food is a sacred cow. We can get Singaporeans to do 4 year NS, we can hang people for road rage, all we get in protest is a couple of jokers carrying placards. If the ST writes about disquiet, we challenge the journalist to name the ones who complained and they clamp up. Food on the other hand is a no go zone. When we first resettled people after the Bukit Ho Swee fire, they bought into the idea readily after we said that we will ensure that Tiong Bahru market will have the best hawker centre. Ever since all grassroots leader make sure that at any onetime there are no empty stalls in a hawker centre. Have you seen one before.
HL: How now.
Old man: I was thinking of getting him to resign to cut our losses.
HL:Pa. don’t be like that Pa. Give me chance, can or not.
Pres: Aiyah, give him a chance. We will take him to our favourite food haunts and he will not screw up again.
HL: Actually what is mee siam. In Catholic High got no mee siam. But my favorite is Kway Teow with hum.
Old Man:: It not only the food, the other parts of the speech not swee also.
Pres: What are other part.
Old Man: Bro, wat the fuck we make you president and you don’t know what he said.
Pres: I heard the speech but it sounded alright except for the hum in the mee siam
Old man: Do you know who is David Gan
Pres: who donno David. I ever go to him but he said that I look funny if I perm my hair because I too short. So one season I dye my hair but the guy quite ex you know.
Old man: Tell me, is he a foreign talent. For christ sake, no one has heard of him outside Singapore. Even the Malaysians got no clue about him. Any thinking man with half a brain will be wondering what the hell Philip Yeo was doing with the millions when we end up showcasing David Gan as a talent. Its a joke.
Pres: You are right boss. He also left out of Sammyboy. Go an mention Mr Brown, Talking cock .
HL: Wat is sammyboy huh?
Old man: HL, Sammyboy is the only forum that is not regulated or controlled. People speak their minds. They share their joy and their despair without having to be politically correct.If I want an honest opinion, I get it from Sammyboy. Try acting smart in sammyboy and they will cut yo down to size.
Pres: It is the most valuable gauge that this country has seen.
HL: I never heard of it.
Old Man: The trouble with you is that you allow that woman to install those internet filter to protect the kids and its blocks sammyblock.
HL: How good is it.
Old man: Look, just the other day, I sent out a post on how long people use their underwear and I got many down to earth responses. Has ST ever done such a survey.
Pres: Yah, its a no holds barred forum. Even the ST regulary quotes from it.
HL: I thought Mr Brown was highwater mark for dissent.
Old Man: Pleese, that guy is a lovable chap. Any mother in law would love him. The guy has no evil bone in him.
HL: Oh Fuck. I think I really fucked up.
Pres: You know something, even Ah Goh speeches were more inspiring.
Old Man: So how, do we throw him out.
Pres: Wat about Choo
Old Man: You just killed my appetite for Bak Chor Mee. Ok forget about throwing him out. Plan B.
HL: Wat’s Plan B.
Pres: I know, get the grassroots to get the hawkers to start putting hum in Mee Siam.
Old Man: I think I need to give you the 5 lashes. You need it more than HL.
HL: Maybe I send out a correction. You know I did it when I mention the word “fix” and Singaporeans accepted that.
Pres: You know I think he is right. It about time that we respect our citizens as equals.
Old Man: Give me the belt, you are really asking for it. You know I can out run you, you fat bastard.
Here’s my 2 cent worth for the humongous hooters of WSM and his MP father:
daughter: dad! look! we’re in the WEEkipedia!
father: nabeh! You really get me in deep shit liao!
daughter: hey! whether it’s good news or bad news, it’s still a news. Now your boss will REALLY notice you now!
father: Ah Looon Son’d just ordered me to say sorry again! Is that the kind of attention I need from him???!!!
daughter: no worries! after my ‘A’ level exam, you pull string to let me be his intern……..Monica Lewingsky has no monopoly for head jobs for heads of state you know!
father: Ah girl! Thank you so much! All those monies I spent on you in your NY trips is starting to see ROI!!
daughter: no problem…..but……just don’t get so hysterical in front of my uncaring elite face!
For low IQ, we call REtard.
For low EQ, we call???
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Any guesses?
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How about…..
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.WEEtard?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Grimbold
you all make fun of indians…yet Buddhism is the most popular faith in singapore…how can liddat? Prince Gautama was also an indian wad…you all…making fun of HIM too you realise that? damn disgusting man..yet when ppl make fun of chinese you all know how to cry farder cry mudder….
Bro,
I think I made fun of that particular Indian (Durai) and that particular chinese (Madame Peanut). If you go back and read thoroughly, you would find that I mentioned that my son’s godparents are Indians. I was very upset with the way TT Durai cheated the peasants’ monies, period.
Cheers!
DOM the clown
copied from Boss Sam’s Alfresco Coffee Shop. originally writen by Bro scroobal from that forum.
Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from SW. Scent of lavendar drifting in the air.
Old Man: Hey man, what you doing here. I thought you would have gone home for the weekend.
Pres: It’s a long story but it has do with Joo Chiat, Vietnamese sluts and my good health.
Old man: What are you talking about about. Don’t tell me she caught you with your pants down.
Pres: No Lah, Boss. Last few weekends when we go back home, my wife kept noticing the Vietnamese streetwalkers walking past our place. Since the Police clampdown, they now operate one street parallel to the length of Joo Chiat. She kept grumbling about how useless I am despite my position. I told her that they are actually foreign talent and in Vietnam if you are a professional, you put heavy make-up and dress is a bit slutty to show your high status.
Old Man: Bro, you the man! Did she buy it.
Pres: She did until my daughter came visiting and gave her the scoop.
Old Man: What happened?
Pres: I tell you what happened. All hell broke loose. She took the payong (umbrella) and thundered towards me. I got to tell you – all the East Coast health walk paid off. You should have seen me, I lifted my sarong in one swift move, and did the dash to Pennefather Road in quick time.
Old Man: Choo normally throws the coffeecup at me but normally I can dodge it, sometimes cannot lah, then you don’t see me in public for couple of weeks.
Pres: So now the Mrs don’t want to go back home until I do something about it. So can we get rid of the streetwalkers.
Old Man: Bro, you got to realize that the World has changed and Singapore has to. 30 Years ago, I used to laugh at Macau . A few seedy casinos and nowehere to go. Guess what, I am not laughing. We are now in the same boat.
Pres: That explains why you have been making some comments that you have never made before.
Old Man: Like what bro.
Pres: The comment about ST carrying the facts and their commentaries. The other comment to the BCC was Thai / Temasek deal.
Old Man: Times are hard bro, not sure what to do.
Pres: The Thai/Temasek thing I understand. One wrong move and your son gets it from his wife and you get yet another coffeecup coming your way from Choo. But the ST thing I can’t understand. It screws your credibility.
Old Man: Its not that bad, they have been ok what?
Pres: Are you mad, boss. There are more balls carriers than balls in that place. You know that everytime I read a commentary from one of the Chua sisters, I keep mumbling to myself “Hit me, hit me”. One day, my wife got fed up, took the umbrella and whacked me on the head. My dentures flew out of my mouth right thru the window and out to the road. That night, no masala chicken for me.
Old Man: We created the monster, now we have to live with it. Don’t worry, the younger generation of journalist have got balls. They have the fibre, the fire and the spine to stand firm. Look at the Kweks and the Pehs. They are our future. Remember one of them told me to retire from cabinet.
Pres: Maybe that explains why some of the assholes are moving to “Today”
Old Man: I can see it for myself. Imagine walking along the corridor and trying to avoid the eyes of the morally correct younger bunch. Scary.
Pres: What about Thai/Temasek affair. Any hope.
Old Man: Fuck these guys. Don’t even know how to feather an engine on fire. Firstly I can’t believe they went and bought a Thai national asset. Will we sell Singtel, Singapore power, PSA, DBS, SIA. If we float it, we will still keep the majority stake. Why the hell did they think that other countries will not get upset if someone get their national asset.
Pres: What would you do to fix this, boss.
Old Man: Aiyah Bro, just go to Bhumipol, kowtow, ask forgiveness and then ask his advise on how to fix it. End of story.
Pres: Then how come you told the journalist that everything is above board when that was not the question. He never suggested that the process was corrupt. He asked you about apples and you replied about oranges.
Old man: Use your Otak bro. I can’t tell him the real reason can I. Remember both Loong and I have got to sleep sometime in the night.
Pres: That what I thought. You know and I know that every private firm and MNC has a general under its payroll but they don’t make press release. Its all done behind the scenes.
Old man: Its getting very depressing. Even Sam wants to get out of Delphi and run it on his own server after the Perry Tong fuckup. I felt bad for Low, so I called him and told him we got a Wee and he got a Tong and they deserve each other.
Old Man: I hope Sam does not walk away. You know the entire civil service reads the forum to get the true feedback. We get the true picture from that forum. Viswa Sadasivan’s Feedback unit is a white elephant. Ooops sorry about the Thai pun.
Pres: Maybe now we can now trace the real sam. He can work for us.
Old Man: Banish that thought. When we first approached him, he said no. We then sweethened the deal, he said fuck off. I called him personally and he told me to take a flying fuck. All we wanted him to say is to mention the PAP in good light every now and then. Sam got his infatuation with Australia, freedom, migration, entrepreneurship, 4 wheel drive, cycling and a Grand Bank Yacth. I could not get one word in without being interrupted.
Old Man: All this talk is making me depressed. How about some supper. I got the perfect place and the perfect dish.
Pres: What, what boss. Mee Rebus is it. I heard the best Mee Rebus gravy is made from mixing cracked Marie biscuit into the gravy.
Old Man: No lah, it’s the dum briyani at the corner of Tanjong Pagar and . The teh halia is also just right. Good combination. Lets take the MRT, I want to try out the new trains. We still have time.
Pres: Won’t the people recognize us.
Old Man: Keep up with the times, Bro. Haven’t you heard, the MRT trains in the late evenings are now packed with cleaners in their 70s and 80s cleaning the office blocks in the CBD so that their sons and daughers can go to work in the morning in nice and clean environment. In my shorts and your sarong, we can easily fit in.
Pres: You mean, they got no retirements savings.
Old Man: Don’t make me more depress. Its coming apart at the seams. Those who got savings must have donated its to the mei meis and Vietnamese streetwalkers. Don’t talk about it.
Pres: So you want mutton or chicken briyani. By the way, I stopped taking fizzy drinks, its gives me too much gas.
Old Man: Can you shut the fuck and move faster, its already 11.55pm and we certainly don’t want to miss the last train.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DOM1
Wah piang!!! I thought this thread was already deader than dead!
KNS….which HOLE u cum out from …..
how is life ?…..ani “insider " infor……
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DOM1
Wah piang!!! I thought this thread was already deader than dead!
Veri funny.. I just go through this thread today… Ops… yes.. before i forget, did you PM those people that they can zap you now since you have finish the story and you say this thread is dead??
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DOM1
Wah piang!!! I thought this thread was already deader than dead!
So anything new cuming up soon???
Must really thanks bro agentwilson for digging out this old thread.
This is the best story I have read. Don’t know to laugh or laugh until cry…
Wonder how much more of this wonderful old thread we newbies have been missing….