Dear Bro MMM88, Bro hunter89, Bro 5931 & Bro malayboy,
Election coming! Time to stir shit! Episode 5 will be coming by next Monday.
Anyway, I think the people of Singapore are missing Mr TT Durian
(the investigation is taking too long!! It’s an election ploy! The pappies wanna showcase their diligence in weeding the corrupted……duh).
DOM the clown
Dear ALL,
I’ll be writing the continuation of the story soon. I apologise to all of you if it was stopped for too long, and to people who don’t think my stories are funny or readable and have to bear with my bad writing. But, I hope you all will
support the petition to seperate the use of OUR HARD-EARNED MONEY FROM THE P.A.P.’s ELECTIONEERING PROMISES OF UPGRADING! WHAT HAS UPGRADING GOT TO DO WITH P.A.P.’s MONIES??? IT’S NOT THEIR MONEY!!! IT’S NOT P.A.P.’s MONIES!!! IT’S STATE’S MONIES WHICH MEANS IT’S OUR VERY OWN MONEY!!! PLEASE SUPPORT THIS PETITION! IT WILL TELL OUR EMPLOYEE, P.A.P., TO WAKE UP THEIR BLOODY IDEA!!! WE ARE THE BOSS!!!!!!!!!!
Please click at my signature! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Your humble clown,
dom
Episode 5 – The Liar, The Bitch, and The Office-boy-in-Bathrobe.
“Wow! Look at what we have here! One of these days, I’ll have an attached bathroom to my office like yours. Well…..at least one that comes with a …………….Gold Tap!” Mr Durian beamed. The lights reflecting amongst golden luxuries made him slightly dizzy.
“Phew! Ehrm…..Darling, please ……” Mrs Gold tried to speak as I slipped slightly in the bath tub.
“And what do we have here?” The voice of the thambi trembled as he suddenly pulled the shower curtain to one side. He had apparently noticed my movement and the sliding noise I had just made.
“Excuse me, are you a model?…..shucks! I mean, are you a boy scout?” The Indian man stared at me from head to toe, with the sharpness of his stare like laser slicing up every bit of my skin. “I believe I’d seen you somewhere before.”
“Dear! I can explain everything!” Mrs Gold rushed into the toilet between me and the thambi. “He’s Dominic Wan. He’s our new office boy.”
“Wow! Just look at the creamy mess around your office boy’s dick! AND PEANUTS TOO!! Now, this is not fair, honey. You guys are having fun without ME!!” Durian was presently glaring at me with a maniacal look on his contorted face, grinning from ear to ear.
Suddenly, the Indian man punched me in my face. The excruciating pain that came to me was something I cannot put into words to this day. I had never felt anything so physically painful in all of my sixteen years of existence then. Almost instantaneously, warm liquid came gushing down my nose; I started to bleed.
The dark-skinned beast pulled me out of the bath tub brushing Mrs Gold aside with such a force that poor Mrs Gold staggered and fell into the tub with legs wide open, showing her bare bottom and her bushy pussy. I guessed she did not have enough time to put on her panty earlier.
I was dragged into the middle of Mrs Gold’s office by the seemingly sex-crazed moron. I tried to struggle but to no avail; I was just a skinny little teenager who was yet to be even seventeen!
“Now I remember you! You were in my house last year! You were that little boy scout! Remember
N
irmala
K
ininathan d/o
F
ugganathan? My mother, your DARLING
N.K.F.
??!!”
The mad man slapped me at my face. I started to cry and begged him to stop, but he kept grinning at me. “My mother always love little Chinese boy but she had never leave some love for her cute little Thumbi Tulan Durian. I hate all you little Chinese boys. You guys stole all the love of my MOTHER AND NOW YOU ALL SHALL PAY!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” He started to strip himself.
“Darling, please don’t do that to the boy. He’s still young. Please, I beg you. You can do me! PLEASE!!!” Mrs Gold had just crawled out from the toilet and coming to my rescue.
“Well, we can have threesome later…..after I had deflowered this peasant boy’s ass!! I just love to screw peasants’ ass like your hubby and his colleagues in the gahment SCREW ALL THE PEASANTS OF SILLYPORE ALL OF THE TIME. MUAHAHAHAHA!” The evil Durian said as he turned and looked at me.
“Arghhhh!!!” I charged at T T Durian with whatever strength I could muster, knocking him back onto the table.
There was a loud crash, followed by a loud, beast-like, bloody cuddling cry from Durian. Mrs Gold rushed over to his side.
“Oh! Dom! Look at what you’ve done! He had fallen onto one of my GLASS PENIS CONTAINERS!!! OH NO!!! THERE’RE LOTS OF BROKEN GLASS PIECES IN HIS ANUS!!” Wailed Mrs Lao Gold.
Knock! Knock!
“Mrs Gold….someone is is is knock knock…” I trembled with pain as I tried to tell Mrs Gold that someone is at the door.
“I can hear that. You stay here!” My lady boss ordered.
“Yes? Who’s that?” Mrs Gold shouted out to the intruder with a less than calm voice.
“Thaksin here!”
Who was Thaksin? Was he a friend or a foe? Would our little boy-scout-turned-office-boy be safe from further ravages of the low life forms of the establishment? For the tears, laughter, hysteria, lust and ultimate corruption of the next episode of “I was RAPED!!”, stay tuned!
Dear Bros & Sis,
My buddy from Sam’s delphi forum, teh-si, started an online petition, to ask P.A.P. to stop using HDB upgrading to threaten us,
THE BOSS, THE VOTERS, TO VOTE FOR THEM OR ELSE!!!!
The CHEE BYE PAPies now even want to prevent this civil online petition by letting their running dogs out to spam it, to deface it!
It’s a peaceful protest done in cyberspace, and not outside your Istana or CPF BUILDING!!! LIKE THIS ALSO SMALL GAS, THE PAPIES HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT WE THE CITIZENS OF SINGAPORE ARE THEIR BOSS!!! THEY SHOULD BE SCARED OF US!!! AND NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!!!!
PLEASE SUPPORT THIS PETITION! PLEASE CLICK AT MY SIGNATURE FOR THE LINK TO THAT PETITION! LET’S SHOW THE BASTARD PAPIES THAT WE ARE UNITED!
THANK YOU!!!
your humble clown,
dom
Quote:
Originally Posted by
blahna
hey dom1.. im a scout too. but your story.. hahaha.. i really dont knw wat to say.. but i always haf fantasy where whn doing job week i will knock into some young pretty girls tat will rape me or she will contribute some $$ if i could please her.. haha.. easy job for job week bro..
Bro blahna,
Sorry to disappoint you. I was never a scout. LOL! Btw, is it true that only the top scout to do their job week in the Istana? Wah! Were you a top scout then? Imagine yourself kena raped by Mrs Prata! kekekekekekekekeke…just kidding!
Hey! Please support the APs! Don’t vote for the Pee And Poo. Meanwhile please support by signing in the petition by clicking my siggies!
Thank you!
Regards,
DOM1
Copied with permission from Bro scrobal. For all your reading pleasure:
Tales from the Istana (Part V)
Ante Room: Last night at 7.15pm, Temp 21C
Old Man: Bro, got sometime to chat. Need to talk badly.
Pres: the Mrs is going back to Ceylon Rd tonight for the weekend, I can tell her that I need to review the national accounts. See you behind the guardhouse at 11pm.
Old Man : Ok.
Behind Guardhouse: 11pm, 23C, north easterly blowing gently
Pres: What’s up boss, you look tired.
Old Man: Can’t sleep for the last few nights.
Pres: Its the dialogue, isn’t it.
Old Man: No, lah, its Sylvia Lim
Pres: I too think that she is a chio bu. Sometime can’t sleep myself.
Old man: Don’t be an idiot, get your mind out of the gutter. By the way, the only Chio Bu is Glenda Han.
Pres: Wat about Sylvia.
Old man: Her silence is deafening. She literally body slammed Hen and now he started to stammer at cabinet meeting. He is thinking of becoming a priest. He thought he can make her talk about the manifesto.
Pres: Got to admit, the manifesto looks good. We should have kept quiet.
Old Man: we thought they will be like JB and Chee who will launch into a tirade which we will then customarily break down. She basically told Hen to fuck off and get his own.
Pres: I told you in 1981, that someone will figure out the game sooner or later. Imagine, even in the latest press interview, she talked about everything under the sun except politics. One smart bitch.
Old Man: I screwed the shit of that stupid nephew- in- law of mine. How come they did not talent spot her.
Pres: Aiyah, they would have missed her out completely. You spent the last 20 years picking scholars.
Old Man: No lah, every GE we pick a few chinese helicopters.
Pres: Yah lah, Besides academic performers, helicopters and party ball carriers, there is no other category. There is a broad stratum of society that you have missed out completely.
Old man: Ok, ok thanks for the lesson on representational politics. I badly need help. If Loong does badly, my life will be a living hell. Choo will fry me for breakfast.
Pres: look, there is no way that the party can loose. The opposition will retain their 2 current seats and gain one more. The chicku man can continue to wait under the tree, Sitoh needs to get a brain transplant, come on…., bribing with food, what kind of strategy is that. The only way that you can take back Potong Pasir is for Ah Goh to publicly slap Sitoh silly. Frankly you are insulting the residents’ intelligence.
Old Man: Which seat will we loose. Tell me Bro. I will go there and do house to house.
Pres: Please lah boss, after the dialogue with the young Singaporeans even if you kiss their ass, its not going to help. You will be hard pressed to sell koyok. The vote has reached a new generation that don’t take kindly to bullshit and fairy tales.
Old man: What fairy tales?
Pres: Your stories about riding the Tiger. The last I heard, Lenin, Mao and Stalin are ancient history. Chin is suntanning in a Thai peace village. China is riding the dollar bill. Lim Chin Siong and Devan passed away. Remember NKF and Durai’s downfall was precipitated by a petition initiated by an NSman. Our Generation failed. In fact, when the writing was on the wall, Mrs Ah Goh and your daughter in law supported him. Fuck, we did nothing, absolutely nohting despite regulations to intervene in place.
Old Man: But the dialogue was a success. The journalists there wrote favourable articles.
Pres: Hello! At the start of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. In the middle of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. At the end of the dialogue, they asked for a level playing field. One, even told you to contribute out of the cabinet. For the very first time, you failed to convince anyone of them. Go watch the tape again. What happenned to you - you suddenly turned deaf and dumb.
Old man: but the favourable articles the next day.
Pres: Remember when I first retired, you made me Chairman of SPH, to keep an eye on them. Instead of wasting resources and time keeping track of everyone, once a week, I would ask a journalist walking along the corridor if I had lost weight. Guess what? Every single one of them said yes. I knew then that our job was done. You yourself said that they are world best paid journalist.
Old man: For heaven’s sake, which seat are we going to loose. Is it Aljunied.
Pres: No Lah, George is safe. I will tell you on nomination day when they file their papers.
Old Man: You mean some of the key players have not made up their mind.
Pres: Yes, they are playing the game well. Look, more Singaporeans know more about Sylvia, Steve, Glenda and a host of other opposition characters then your new slate of 24 newbies. Every single one of them looks like a clone, talks like a clone and we are not sure if they going to last more than one term. They are supposed to represent a generation that gew up with starbucks and playstations. Yet during walkabout, they drink kopi si ans Teh Si at kopitiam.
Pres: What’s more, the 23 that had to step down, claimed that they made the decision to step down citing family, work etc. Its worse then pigs flying, the party credibility is shot to pieces.
Pres: Boss, feeling thirsty and a bit hungry, let get some supper. We can talk over a hot cup of teh tarik
Old Man: I think I need Teh Halia, more kuat than usual.
Pres: Lets ask the security detail.
Old man: No way, after that mad girl gave away her gun, I scared one.
Pres: Ok, lets scale the wall
Old man: How the hell can a fat bastard like you can climb a wall.
Pres: Ok lah, take the side gate and wear devan’s wigs. Outside Siglap and Adam Rd, I am not familiar with the food.
Old Man: Lets go to Koek Road, the teh tarik is good. Its just across the street, just have to dash across CTE. Next to it, the bbq stingray at Cuppage Plaza is a killer. Also its a good opportunity to get some feedback from the man in the street.
Pres: You really lost the plot. What man in the street. The only man in the street is an FT. Singaporeans are staying at home not able to spend as they have been retrenched or they are driving taxis or studying hard to get a scholarship or learning a new skill or having an RC meeting to get lobang.
Old man: What about the hawkers?
Pres: Aiyah, they are all Malaysians with PRC helpers. The fucking mama selling Teh Tarik is the only Singaporean and even he goes back to India every year to complete building a big house back in his village. He can’t be bothered about HDB, CPF or medicare. Some more no Singapore women would allow their husband to venture out at night in case they get raped by China MeiMeis
Old man: How to get feedback then.
Pres: I get mine from Sammyboy.
Old man: Sammyboy again. I know, I know, there are great contributors and there are arseholes but are they really a true sounding board.
Pres: Oh Fuck, even SPH gets some its scoop from it. More people have corresponded with Goh Meng Seng than any MP. Just tolerate some of the characters in it. By the way, the old warhorse QXP is still there singing your family anthem. Then there is this guy who is fixated with Chee’s wife. My favourite is Johnboy who gives as good as he gets.
Old Man: the only advise that i take is from Lambaste’s grandmother.
Pres: Hey! how come I always wear the wig that has a reddish streak. I look gay.
Old Man: I say, we should have asked Othman Wok for some spare wigs. That guy has got the best set. By the way, make sure your sarong doesn’t get caught by the side gate. The last time, my singlet got ripped by it.
Pres: Boss, please tell me you brought money this time.
Old man: Bloody hell we raised your salary, didn’t we.
Pres: Hey, you mentioned that we have to cross the CTE. Imagine if an ex- banker who is a taxi driver spots us, we are dead. Sure ram us down.
Old man: I got an idea. Lets hold hands, they might think that we are a gay couple and leave us alone. Hurry, I can smell the stingray.
Tales from the Istana (Part VI)
Last night , Sri Temasek, cloakroom - 7.30pm Temp 22 C
Old Man: psst, psst
Pres: Huh
Old Man: Over here, meet me tonight, same place, same time
Pres: Waah lau ahh, I thought it was Shenton Thomas’ ghost. OK will see you there.
Behind Guardhouse at 11pm, Temp 24C, dead calm
Pres: Boss, whats with the cloakroom?
Old Man: I will explain later. Firstly I want you to be completely honest with me.
Pres: Boss, I have served you over 44 yrs, know of only one boss and thats you.
Old Man: Are you the one writing the Istana tales in Sammyboy.
Pres: Bloody Hell, I thought it was you. All the time I thought it was you.
Old man: Why would I want to air my views thru a sex forum
Pres: Look, I have been smoking beedi behind the guardhouse from the 1st week of my first term. You know my wife will brutalise me if she caught me smoking. The only time, the Tales appear is when I talk to you.
Old Man: You mean, there are others that join you behind the guardhouse.
Pres: Panjang used to come until he gave up his PMship. However he only comes to eat Orluck and Kway Chap. He gets his driver to buy Kway Chap from Blanco Court and the Orluck from Hup Kee at Newton Circus. Orluck on Tuesdays and Kway Chap on Thursday without fail except when he goes overseas. I also shiok, join in. Now you know why I put on so much weight.
Old man: If it is not you, then who. Anyway, the Ah Pek from Blanco Court has gone to Serangoon Gardens.
Pres: Aiyah, when Tengku threw us out of Malaysia, both sides put in so many bugs that we could not find all of them.
Old man: That time got bugging device meh.
Pres: Yah lah, they used to be the size of a palm so we had to bury it into the ground.
Pres: Aiyah nothing to worry. Nobody believes the things in a sex site forum anyway.
Old Man: Friend, that site gets about 48K hits a day. That is big.
Pres: So what, have you seen some of the idiots in the Sammyboy. If you say something, they want proof, copy of the orginal letter etc. This is despite what the whole knows as common knowledge. Thats the beauty of the forum the smart ones get the message and it is also the smart ones that get their message thru.
Old Man: Come to think, we are both past 80 and have nothing to loose.
Old man: Ok, now more importantly I have found the solution to the Sylvia Lim problem.
Pres: Tell me, this I got to hear.
Old Man: Before I tell you the solution there are couple of unanswered questions that I need answers to.
Pres: What?
Old man: How come at Koek Rd last night, the China meimeis were talking to you and ignored me.
Pres: Firstly they are Peidu mamas, the meimeis are at geylang, joo chiat and all the night spots. Secondly they thought you were a banana because of your ascent. For god’s sake, you can drop the name Harry but you still speak like a cambridge graduate. The ladies are only interested in Singapore old men with CPF.
Old Man: I can’t help it. How you think we got the British to give us Independence.
Pres: There you go again, talking about war stories. You have to be relevant for this generation.
Old Man: Aiyah, that’s my solution, to be relevant to the new generation. You were right, the dialogue was bad. You remember Jamie Han
Pres: Sure do. Who doesn’t
Old man: That guy gave me both barrels and was cool as a cucumber. He did not bat an eyelid. The best part is that he is not a scholar nor was he overseas trained. He is however academically an achiever having scored honours in history. Singaporeasn will love him.
Pres: You want Jamie Han to join the PAP?
Old man: Thats the reason I was in the cloakroom. I was using the phone to call him without anyone knowing.
Pres: Any luck.
Old Man: His Mother keeps answering the phone and everytime I introduce myself, she says that she is Zoe Tay and slams down the phone.
Pres: Boss, did you see Zoe Tay’s abs. Kilat. My brother immediately mari kita, some more wear sari.
Old Man: Bro, can you keep your shrivelled up dick in your pants and pay attention.
Pres: What did you expect Jamie’s mum to say.
Old Man: How then to contact Jamie.
Pres: What makes you think that he will want to join the PAP. He was all brimstone and fire. He is not going to change overnight like that skinny idiot.
Old Man: I am going to give him free rein. He does not have to wear white, drink teh si and suck up. That guy has got balls and he does not suffer fools easily.
Pres: You know what, the balls carriers at that time also called him rude and impolite like what they are doing to the dialogue participants
Old Man: There you have it. We just found the missing generation, the ones to take Singapore to the next level. If he does not want to join the pap, I will lower all the barriers, level the playing field and get these guys to jump into the Political cauldron. I am convinced that they will not sink and will do the country proud.
Pres: Boss, you are bringing tears to my eyes. Reminded me of the old days when we were all young, with the British, the Malayans and the Indonesian giving us not a ray of hope.
Pres: What about the PAP.
Old Man: If they are really good they have nothing to fear. Even if they don’t measure up, they will make an effective opposition.
Pres: Finally a 2 party state. These are exciting times.
Old man: Don’t get your hopes up, we still need to get past Zoe Tay, I mean Jamie’s mum.
Pres: You know when we lost the 3 amigos, I thought we as a nation was a goner.
Old man: What 3 amigos?
Pres: Aiyah, Cheng Bock, Kai Yuen and Soo Khoon. They were the ones that asked the hard questions, kept the ministers and the scholarly Mandarins in check. It was a big mistake. You know the 3 of them did more than anyone else for the last 20 years.
Old Man: Yah, I remember Cheng Bock crucified Philip Yeo over the Horn Lee / scholarship issue. Look I don’t run the show.
Pres: Come on. Even during the dialogue, the guy told you about pulling the strings. When the Malaysian SIA pilot Ryan Goh, tried to be funny, you came out swinging. I was smoking behind the guardhouse and I saw the pilots leaving, it was like watching a funeral cortege.
Pres: You think we can make it to Chomp Chomp for the Kway Chap.
Old Man: No lah, close by now. Lets go back for the stingray.
Pres: We only go back for the stingray if you promise not to squeeze the lime dry. That lime is for taste. Your whole life, you must squeeze until there is nothing to squeeze.
Old man: Ok lah. Anyway, I brought money this time. I also want to use the public phone to try to get Jamie.
Pres: Good luck with the phone. There will be a long queue as every bangla, pinoy, croatian, russian. english, american FT is calling home.
Old man: English and Americans are expats, they don’t need to use the public phone.
Pres: You are really out of touch. Why you think the locals are unhappy. We even give employment pass to rednecks from Alabama, whose life is a pendulumn swinging between a fart and a burp while holding a budweiser.
Old Man: Aiyah hurry up.
Pres: Give me 10 minutes, I need to change to a new sarong. I don’t want the Peidu mamas to think I got no class.
Old man: I too better change my singlet. That reminds me, we need to talk about Joo Chiat and Soo Sen when we reach there.
Tales from the Istana
(Part VII)
Last night , Istana Domain (location classified) - 11.10am Temp 21 C
Control: Babirussa Control to Babirussa One, over.
Babirussa One: Send over.
Control: Heavy Static in the air, warm body sensors unable to pick up movement on path 1 and path 6. Are God and Double O Seven at your location over.
Babirussa One: Confirmed over, the 2 old farts at it again after missing for 3 nights, ……….Roger and Out
Behind Guardhouse, 11.11pm, Temp 25C , Strong northerly, air heavy with static
Pres: Looks like you are no longer running the elections
Old Man: Bro, I told you that before, I stepped down long time ago. No body believes me. Always accusing me of pulling the strings. I don’t even wear the pants in my house.
Pres: Pleeez, give me a break. Its only recently. One can clearly see that the elections approach is a lot more friendly for everyone including the opposition. Wow, even got friendly reminder to Steve to put his papers in. Last time, the counter staff will keep quiet. By the way, you are not the only male who does not wear the pants in their house. It more like half the brotherhood.
Old man: Bro, lets see how it goes. This generation as I have been repeatedly been told over the last few days is our future with a mind of their own.
Pres: Boss, let them choose their future. We should relax, maybe play a few elvis records and sip teh o.
Old Man: Everytime I want to relax, the asshole of a Chee keeps opening his mouth. Bloody hell, that night, I was cruising in Sammyboy, when my son called about suing the bum. I wanted to screw the shit out of my son as it was his bloody wife that supported that egoistical megalomaniac Durai. Unfortunately Choo was next to me.So diam, diam say yes.
Pres: Boss, give him a break, that guy got to tan chiak.
Old Man: Bro, this guy doesn’t know what he wants to be, politician, human rights activist, ghandi, Che Guvera, or a Koyok salesman. Anyway I can’t belief one guy can destroy a party thru slow death. I am sick and tired of him. A real chee bye character. At least with Harbans, entertainment value was high.
Pres: Wah, you really upset with the guy.
Old Man: Yah lah, every elections, I am always the bad guy, so I thought, this time, no law suit, I will be a nice guy. I also got feelings mah. That fucker really spoilt it.
Pres: Boss, I am curious, why be nice to the opposition. You even endorsed Low and Chiam as gentlemen. Whats the story?
Old Man: Last week, if you remember I was trying to contact Jamie Han. No Luck, mother too strong. Then I remember what one old fart who used to make my shoes told me. I was complaining that despite all my troubles, I still get many people voting for the opposition.
Old Man: He said, you cannot paint the whole house white. He also said it does not matter if you buy ICI paint. There must be colour and there must be contrast. If your whole house is white, it becomes boring to stay at home and life will be meaningless.
Pres: Boss, very chim, but good advice. How come you did not take it then.
Old Man: That time I was arrogant so I just let it slide.
Pres: So you admit you are arrogant.
Old Man: Bro, I also wayang during the dialogue. How can you as a National Leader and bring a 3rd world country to the first World without being arrogant.
Pres: No wonder, suddenly see the party candidates wearing colourful t-shirts and not the traditional white.
Old man: Aiyah, even then, one young punk, came wearing white belt and white shoes, thought that he was being arty farty. We probably lost a few hundred votes there.
Pres: Even the press seems to be focusing on the opposition and painting them positively. Is it some kind of plan.
Old man: Bro, no plan, your reading too much of Sidney Sheldon. After the dialogue, the 7 young journalist have become role models. Everyone now wants a piece of our ass to prove their independence, their courage and bravado.
Pres: Boss, are you cutting it too thin. Suppose you guys loose badly.
Old man: Bro, we are in control unless we continue to have couple of jokers in our team making silly statements.
Pres: Boss, i know what you mean. That mama can really drama. Making comments about RCs needed for emergencies and bomb attacks.
Old man: Aiyah, he lost the plot long time ago. Even if no RCs, human beings in any diaster will come rushing down to help with the Malays noted particularly for their neighbourliness. They are complaining about too many balls carriers who are after favours and the political links between RCs and Government.
Pres: hmmm…Lets see how Bedok will perform.
Old man: So you think, Bedok might fall.
Pres: 50/50. Heres the weakness. 2 liabilities before the game has started. The guy who drew up the fucked up manifesto is in that GRC and with lead man making silly statements, its not good. But if WP fields Chia and not Sylvia , then there is a chance.
Old Man: Bro, tired of talking, want to go for supper.
Pres: First time, you asked. Its always me that feels hungry.
Old Man: We cannot go to Koek Rd anymore.
Pres: Yah, lah Boss, the last time we went there, so many people turned up, all sitting around and they seem to waiting for someone to turn up. Best avoid it.
Old Man: Lets go to Redhill MRT, the carrot cake at the Hawker Centre is thumbs up. Guaranteed melt in your mouth, well fried.
Pres: Got easy link card.
Old Man: Bro, You mad or what, where got MRT now. Take taxi lah.
Pres: Ok, just hope we don’t flag down an graduate driving taxi.
Old man: Aiyah, this time I manage to borrow 2 kilat wigs from Othman Wok, Real class, makes me look handsome. They won’t recognise us.
Pres: Ok. lah.
Tales from Istana Part VIII
By Bro Scrobal of Boss Sam’s Alfresco Cafe Forum
Behind the guardhouse: 11pm, 26C, high humidity, still air
Pres: where the hell did you come from, You scared the shit out of me, Boss
Old Man: Relax Bro, I followed the fence line. Did not want Choo to see me, took a new route.
Pres: I thought it was time to meet my maker when you emerged from bush.Watsup, long time no see.
Old Man: Yah lah, after election, had to make some overseas trips. Give me a chance to rethink my approach to the post 65 generation
Pres: Boss, forget courting any generation. Follow me to East Coast in the morning - you can chuci mata until your remaining hormones start moving again .
Boss: Jayakumar also told me the same thing.
Pres: The guy goes there to roller skate with his mini skirt shorts. After all this time, still slower than Malayan railways.
Old Man: Hey, I got some serious stuff to talk about. Its always sex and food with you.
Pres: Ok lah, Ok Lah, what you want to talk about. Bad english, casinos, bloggers, price hike, education ???
Old Man: Hmmm, bloggers. Did you read today’s article by the prick from ST about bloggers and journalist
Pres: Did I read it! I rolled on the floor laughing my guts out when I read the article during breakfast. Nearly choked and had to cancel my jog at East Coast. My wife thought I pengsan already
Old Man: Pleez…, your security details told me, you walk a little but talk alot when you go East coast.
Pres: At least I walk faster than the roller blading speedy gonzalez.
Old Man: Yah Bro, I too was taken aback when I read the article. Instead of talking about bloggers and what they put out, he painted journalism as a nobel profession with mother theresa like qualities. I nearly puked.
Pres: The guy claimed that journalist are accurate. He must have forgotten about the Toh Chin Chye affair. No blogger has yet to make a monumental error such as that.
Old man: By the way, none of the bloggers ever claim to be journalist. How he connected the 2 is beside me. If this guy was god, only journalist can write opinions, express views and analyse issues for the good of mankind - bird for brains.
Pres: You actually walked the fence line to talk about this petty small minded article highlighting the supposed analytical skills of a journalist.
Old Man: No lah Bro, since you you mentioned bloggers, it came to me. I actually wanted you to act the devil’s advocate and interview me as a young Singaporean.
Pres: Firstly boss, which part made you think that I am a young singaporean.
Old Man: Bro, stop fooling around, I don’t have much time, Choo might find out and yell. Be serious. I know I fucked up with the dialogue session with the young singaporeans. Trying correct my mistakesx.
Pres: Ok lah, is it true that we hang more people per capita than any other country.
Old Man: Pleese lah, Chee kept loosing the vote with that kind of human rights angle. People think that we are the Pol Pot regime but Singaporean know better. Ask a serious question.
Pres: Ok, here is a solid one. Minister Mentor, when comparing the civil servants of the first 2 decades and the second 2 decades, which is the better lot.
Old man: Of course, the first 2 decades, real salt of the earth. Built our infrastructure, fought the hard battles. They knew it was matter of survival. Did you know that they gave us affording public housing, made the decision to build the MRT, created a world class zoo, bird park, created a much feared fighting force and made us all proud.
Pres: Hmmmm…!!
Old man: How was my response. Good or not? I still got it.
Pres: Try this question then. What did the civil servants of the last 2 decades do.
Old man: Oh fuck. Come to think of it - I can’t recall anything.
Pres: Then why the hell are we paying this lot so high, liao.
Old Man: bro, I am sure they created value and did some thing. I think I better go back and do some research. Maybe the fellows in sammyboy might know something.
Pres: Aiyah. Forgot about reserach, your time and my time are running out. Kim San, Raja already gone. We are on borrowed time. Let’s go supper.
Old Man: Come to think of it, you are right. Anyway it so hot, badly need to have drink. Where to go.
Pres: You want to try Bedok Food Centre near the army camp. The black carrot cake, solid, the real thing and the mutton soup killer.
Old Man: I thinking of stingray.
Pres: Also so got, got a lot of malay stalls with seafood. I tell you the place solid gold….Oh shit, by now close.
Old man: Fucker, make my mouth water and then tell me closed. If I had a whip your fat ass is mine.
Pres: cool it boss, what about Ponggol nasi lemak at Tanjong Katong.
Old man: Friend, ponggol and tanjong katong are at 2 different ens of Singapore. Don’t tell me you have taken to the bottle like Devan.
Pres: How the hell you managed to rule this country for 45 years is beyond me. You have no idea what’s happening out there. People kena resettled so many times that they move all over the island but they keep their trademark name. Hey, even aljunied is in Marine Parade.
Old man: Ok, lah, lets go. This time we have to call Othman wok to join us. He asked that we call him as a condition for borrowing his wigs.
Pres: Tell him not to wear the sarong with purple stripes.
Old man: Why huh?
Pres: Aiyah, we live close by, sometimes we pump petrol at the same station, malu twice we both wear the same design.
Old Man: use boxer shorts like me.
Pres: That the Ah peh’s draw strings stripped blue pyjama shorts, not a boxer shorts. Ask the guards.
Old Man: Ok. lah, I will sms Othman to come to the western wall. Get the ladder.. Faster lah, before Choo catches on.
Tales from the Istana - Part IX
(by Bro scrobal of Boss Sammy’s Alfresco Cafe forum)
Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11pm, 24C, cool gentle breeze from NE. Smell of Teh Gayong drifiting from the guardhouse
Pres: I was hoping you would come. I want to talk about last night.
Old Man: bro, quick get the ladder, Othman will be waiting for us at the western wall. Hurry.
Pres: I am on it.
Western wall, Istana
Old man: Bang, you there.
Wok: Yah, boss.
Old Man: Bang, you have to climb the vine and climb down the ladder. We are not going out , you have to come in. I will explain later.
Wok: Oh Fuck, I am wearing sarong. Ok I try. Don’t look up, not wearing underwear, very warm lah
Pres: Don ’t worry I also don’t wear underwear. Need to air the dick.
Behind the Guardhouse:
Old Man: Let me make it plain. Was Eddie there yesterday at Samy’s
Pres: Yes and I tell you I could not sleep the whole night. I was tossing and turning, the Mrs kicked me out of bedroom. I ran to guardhouse and stayed there until day break.
Wok: Tell me about it. I dropped off Eddie and this morning when I woke up, my bed was wet with sweat.
Old Man: I knew it. When I reached home, I had goose pimples. Choo said that it was the same expression that I had when JB won Anson. She thought I went galavanting again and warned me the dangers of fraternising with Peidu mamas. She said that after new regulations, they are out in the streets. Now I kenna curfew. I can’t go out after midnight and supper is out.
Pres: Bang, I remember you telling that you invited Eddie.
Old Man: To be sure, I also checked with the posting in Sammyboy, it also stated that you invited him.
Wok: Hey, I have no idea what happenned. All I know was Eddie was sitting with us and then I dropped him off with both of you in the car.
Old man: Shit, my mother told me not to go out during the hungry ghost month. Now we had it. Regret like fuck that I did not listen to her
Pres: Boss, why don’t we throw a getai in the Istana
Old Man: good Idea Bro. We need to appease the spirits.Alamak, the king of Getai just died of cancer and Ah Nan arrested for drugs Bro. For the Istana, getai must have standard.
Wok: Like that how, want to call bomoh
Pres: Bang, the last time we called the Bomoh about the disappearing 6th hole flag, the guy ran away when he tried to nail the spirit to the tree.
Wok: What happenned.
Pres: The bomoh spotted a lot of nails on the tree and then we realised that all the trees had nails. Wah lan, we all ran for our lives.I tell you bro, I just lifted my sarong and sprinted all the way without looking back
Old Man: Now you know why the guards stay in the guardhouse and never patrol the ground at night. .
Wok: And you asked me to come to Istana without telling me all this.
Old Man: No choice, we have to find a place to rest Eddie’s spririt.
Pres: Hey what about asking Dick Lee to do the getai.
Old Man: Brilliant idea, no wonder you are president.
Wok: Eddie will like it. Get Dick to do Fried Rice Paradise.
Old man: Lets get them to pitch a tent on the 6th green and we can also get rid of that spirit.
Wok: How do you explain this to the people. They will laugh at us.
Old man: This is no laughing matter. The seventh month is a serious matter in this country. Don’t fuck around. I may have gone to cambridge with a name called Harry but this one don’t play play.
Wok: I meant the Dick Lee part.
Pres: Aiyah, where have we told Singaporeans anything before. We control the media, we control the entertainment, shucks, we control everything. No one will know until Boss writes another book.
Old man: Ok, let not waste time. Bang, you are in charge of tent and logistics, Bro, you handle Dick Lee and the agenda for the night. …. Oh Fuck, you know next to nothing about arts and entertainment, better get Bang to do it and you look after the tent and logistics.
Pres: And may I ask what the hell you are in charge of.
Old man: I will handle media and communications
Pres: Boss, thats a fucking easy job. You know the journalist will not write anything. Even I can do that standing on one leg while ironing my sarong.
Old Man: Bro, you are getting too big for you breeches. Open your big fat mouth and i will tell your wife about smoking cheroot behind the guardhouse. By the way, when handling media I meant the internet like sammyboy, yawning bread, Mr Brown etc.
Pres: What about Xiaxue.
Old Man: Alamak, she is politically naive, no clue and her content is so trivial.
Pres: But got to say, chio.
Old Man: Have you seen her without makeup - a short arsewho thinks that she is god’s give to mankind. I prefer iggy, got guts, nice tits too.
Wok: Hey fellas, we are talking about Eddie here. Forget about the SYTs
Old Man: Ok Lah, lets get cracking and come back again tomorrow and report progress.
WoK: I am certainly not coming back to the Istana. What about Changi village hawker centre. We can whack nasi Lemak.
Pres: Brilliant idea Bang, a man after my own heart.
Old Man: Ok I will tell Choo that I going to the Government Chalet to do work.
Pres: Bang, don’t eat it at the first stall, that fella very ex, charge $2.50 while the others charge $2. The mackereal Otak Otak however is to die for. Voted the best in Singapore you know.
Wok: What do I tell Dick Lee.
Old Man: Friend, Dick lee is a creative fella, he would work it out. If he can handle Jacinta Abushinthegarden, he can handle anything.
Pres: Wahlan, did you see her on Singapore Idol, she look like she was high.
Old Man: Can you stick to the subject.
Pres: OK lah, do you want Pernakan food for the night or what
Old Man: I give up, you want to serve Pernakan food because Dick Lee is Pernakan, Its a getai, bodoh.
Old man: I better go back, curfew time.