1/4/2011 Wise men say only fools rush in (Part 6)
The story will starts from outside his apartment. He has “invited” me, the colleague, to his house to “discuss” about the discovery of the embezzlement.
Standing outside his door, I press the doorbell. My mind emptied of thoughts except 4 things.
Iam no longer Kerri.
My name is Jamie.
Iam a sales manager.
Most importantly, my safe code is Bingo.
The door opened and quietly I went in.
Malcolm: Hi Jamie.. please take a seat. Would you like a drink?
Me: Anything will do.
Again, I found myself sipping that uncanny sweet wine.
There I was, constantly blinking my eyes, fidgeting and whirling the wine glass with my fingers. An attempt to make myself appear nervous.
Malcolm came and sat right next to me. Not very close, perhaps about an arm’s length away.
Malcolm: Jamie, last month the balance didnt quite add up. And… I found 2 cheques issued by you which I find rather suspicious. I had those companies checked. They are just shell companies.
Me: *Averting my eyes* Iam very sorry. I only intend to borrow the money. Once I settled my credit card bills, I will return. I promise. Please…
More blinking of eyes
Shoulders hunched
Malcolm: *Moving closer to me* As the main bookkeeper, you know, I can close an eye to those cheques and blank out the paper trails. But you must promise me not to do it again. If any of my staff finds out I cannot help you anymore.
Me: Thanks Malcolm! Really.. I promise to put back the money asap! Dinner is on me later? *Looking at him in gratitude*
Malcolm: Mmm… I was expecting more than that, you know.
*putting his hand on my thigh*
Malcolm: I really like you the first time I saw you..
*His fingers toying with my long locks, whispering into my ears*
Malcolm: Keep me company tonight will you?
Me: *Moving slightly away from him and gently push him away* Please… I… I am not mentally prepared… for this…
Turning away from him, I stood up and walk to the windows.
Because I felt a compelling urge to laugh.
Taking in deep breaths, forcing that smile down my throat, at the same time it acts as if Iam nervous.
He came up to me and put his hands on my upper arms. I made a slight startled jerk of my shoulders and tensed my entire body. All at will.
His hands went onto a body trail. From my arms down to my waist to the inside of my blouse. I grab hold of his hands to stop him from advancing further.
Me: Please don’t do this…
Gently, he pry my hands off and hug me real tight. I can already feel his hardness at my buttock. I tried to wriggle out of his embrace but he pull me back and encircle my waist.
Malcolm: If you want me to keep my mouth shut, you need to make me happy. You are a smart lady.. Surely you do not want to go to jail..
With that, he kiss me forcefully. I lean back slightly arching my back and place my palms on his chest.
It is so hard to resist his kiss because he is a damn good kisser. I broke free from his hungry mouth and look away. Without any warning, he scoop me up in his arms and carried me to the bedroom. Into the ensuite bathroom.
Malcolm: Strip me
Slowly, I began to undo his shirt buttons and cufflinks. He may not have an impressive physique nor sculpted abs nor defined pecs but he is lean and toned. He cuts a striking figure when he is in his birthday suit.
With his shirt off, my hands went to the buckle of his belt.
Malcolm: * pushing me down with his two hands * Kneel down
On my knees I continue to remove the belt and unzip his trousers. Soon the only piece of clothing left hanging on him is a pair of blue Calvin klein briefs. The intention behind me kneeling down is very clear.
He let out a soft moan as I engulf his turgid penis. I curl my tongue at the base of his shaft and slide my mouth back and forth his entire length. It start out slow and gentle that quickly accelerate to fast and furious…I begin to gag due the force of his hand at the back of my head.
I push him away and collapse onto the floor. My gag reflex screaming away…
Mr Hyde is back.
He hoist me up by my armpits and push me against the vanity counter.
Stripping me take no more than 20 seconds as compared to his 3 minutes.
I had his tongue in my mouth and his fingers deep within me.
Feeling bold and defiant, I push away from him and walk out of the bathroom, expecting to be grabbed back anytime.
Of all places, he choose to grab my hair.
Me: OUCH! *shot him an angry look*
Pushing me against the wall he pinned down both my arms.
Malcolm: Shhh… Be good now…
I stare into his eyes and they were completely devoid of emotion.
He raise his hand and gently caress my neck.
For a moment i thought he is going to strangle me. But he sank his teeth into me and suck my flesh.
Me: * screaming * DON’T BITE ME!!
He wasn’t cracking a joke when he said he wanted to eat me. I break free for what seems like the 101th attempt and scramble to one corner.
That corner happen to be beneath the rain shower. He turn the facet on and cold water came cascading down.
I jerk and twist to escape the biting cold water but he held onto me in a tenacious hold. We stood there for what seems like eternity. It is so surreal. The rain, his body so close to me, time just stood still. I was transported back to a forgotten realm.
He was holding a metal ruler
Open your legs
Don’t make me say it again
No please, I don’t want to play anymore
The metal ruler came down onto my thigh leaving behind an angry red mark
I groan and jerk violently
But to no avail
My hands were bounded to the bed post
Daniel, please…
I open my eyes, the rain was gone, Daniel was gone.
My face was all wet. I could not tell if it was due to the water or my tears.
Using a navy blue fluffy towel, Malcolm was gently patting me dry. Holding my hand, he led me out of the bathroom.
I climb onto the bed and slip into the thick comforters. Lying there unmoving, waiting for him.
Lying atop of me, Malcolm begin to kiss me and caress every part of my body. It is so unlike of him to be this gentle. I sense an impending doom.
True enough, his butterfly kisses were turning into mutated experiment-gone-wrong butterflies. The bites started out as ant bites that quickly metamorphose into furious stings of a wasp.
I scream and my eyes flew wide open to see him grinning down at me.
GRINNING THAT SMILE
THAT SMILE! I groan inwards… Any pain I was feeling instantly melt away at that moment… But the last straw came when he was biting my nipple.
Me: Stop it Daniel! Please…!
The words were out of my mouth before I even realise it. Damn it! He stop biting me and look at me in the eye.
Malcolm: Daniel? Who is Daniel?
Closing my eyes, I kept my silence.
1/4/2011 Wise men say only fools rush in (part 7)
Me: Stop it Daniel! Please…!
The words were out of my mouth before I even realise it. Damn it! He stop biting me and look at me in the eye.
Malcolm: Daniel? Who is Daniel?
Closing my eyes, I kept my silence.
Malcolm: Kerri… Why did you call me Daniel? Kerri?…. Who the hell is Daniel?
I got up from the bed and walk out of the bedroom totally naked. Standing before his wine cabinet, I randomly search for that one potent alcohol that could knock me out in just one shot. After all, isnt alcohol suppose to drown sorrows? Even if that saying is just an illusion, let me sink into oblivion. I settled for a exquisite bottle titled Macallan 1939.
There is a problem though. Instead of a typical cork stopper, the bottle had a unique gold metallic emblem of sorts covering the entire opening.
How do I open this thing? Carefully, I place it back to its original position.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Malcolm standing at the doorway. Not wanting him to harp on me on Daniel, my mind search anxiously for a decoy.
Me: *Pointing the the Macallan* This little one is so unique.
Malcolm: *Laughing* Yeah… Little one is a special edition made-to-order by a client of mine. I believe not more than 20 in the world.
Me: I would like a drink. Any recommendations?
Malcolm: *Taking down a half bottle of chivas* Well.. little chivas here then. My trusty companion whenever Iam… a little under the weather.
I went back to the room to put on my clothes. When I join Malcolm on the sofa he had 2 glasses of the whiskey. On the rocks. I took it all down in one gulp and reach for the chivas bottle. But he snatch it away from my hands.
Malcolm: *Frowning at me* Whoa! Easy… My god!.. Thats not the way to enjoy a whiskey. What is wrong with you?!
Malcolm: * Cupping my face in his hands* Kerri… you crying?
Iam sorry. Did I hurt you?…. Look… please…you gotta tell me…
Me: Crying? Nope Iam not la.. Most probably the alcohol.. sting my eyes… Iam tired Malcolm. Can I go home?
Malcolm: Ok.. Next Saturday I would like to take you to a…. party… Would you be available?
Me: I will let you know again ok?
Malcolm: Sure! I will call a cab for you…
Me: Malcolm, no… I just catch one easily..
Actually I was planning to take the MRT. The cab fare from his place to mine was exorbitant. I wasn’t being stingy, but every penny counts.
Shaking away that twinge of disappointment, I make my way down onto the streets.
Why are you disappointed?
He is not your boyfriend, for goodness sake!
Don’t expect him to drive you home
He is just a client
A client…
Client!
… And I had totally forgotten about my payment for the day. Anyway my fees were the last thing on my mind. It doesn’t matter if he pays or not. Why? I had no idea…
What is fucking wrong with me?!
A surge of emotions rise up within me. Tears just stream down my face. I couldn’t control the floodgates.
I hail down the first cab that came my way. Rummaging my bag for tissue, my hands found an envelope.
It is my fee.
Sigh.
In the cab the radio was playing an old Chinese haunting song.
Taking deep breaths I manage to stop the tears.
Why am I upset when he asked to do roleplays?
Why do I feel like crying when he bite me? It is definitely not because of pain.
Why am I disappointed when he did not offer to send me home?
Sigh.
Because certain memories I had kept locked up deep within me had somehow surfaced.
This is a man whom I was once so terrified of. Exactly the same way I used to be terrified of Daniel. Given a choice I would have preferred to remain terrified of him. Because…. I realise that fear is something less of a headache than love. I could handle fear…but not love.
And I fully understand the reason as to why I kept meeting up with this man despite his obscure personality.
And I fully understand all the upsets I was experiencing.
Wise men say, only fools rush in, but i cant help falling in love with you.
In love with a man who resemble Daniel in every angle and aspect.
God help me.
Thanks to all bros and sistas encouragement!!
Once i finish collecting ang baos will roll out the last part of april fool day asap (Yes, the day hasnt end yet
)
GONG XI FA CAI TO ALL!!!
1/4/2011 Remember when… (Part 1)
Malcolm called while I was in the cab
Malcolm: Reach home?
Me: Haha. Still on the PIE. Still a long way to go…You give me more…
Malcolm: What more?
Me: I mean the fee.. You give me more than my original fee. And we did not even finish the role play.
Malcolm: *Chuckle* Oh… Yeah… Halfway through only.. But its ok.. We can always continue another day.
Another day?
I think I wont meet you ever again
You are a bottomless pit
Me: Malcolm, I will call you back when I am home.
Malcolm: Sure. Bye.
I glance out of the window into the dark of the night. Into the dark abyss at the back of my mind.
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.
.
I was in his room, on his bed with a book, Sophie’s world by Jostein Gaarder on my lap.
But I wasn’t reading.
Will he accept it?
He had to
My mind is made
No one can change it
Okay
This is it
Me: Dan… Come here.. I need to talk to you.
Daniel: Ok.. Give me a minute.
A minute turned into 20.
He was doing his powerpoint presentation on neonatal biliary atresia.
Me: Dan…
Daniel: Ok. Done. Whats up baby?
Me: *Taking a deep breath* Dan.. I think we need to have a little break from each other… I feel…
Daniel: What you saying Kerri? What little break?!
Me: *Sigh* Daniel…. lets break up. I really…
Daniel: *Shaking his head* I don’t understand… Kerri… What happen?! What did I do wrong?!
I looked away… fixing my gaze on his Lippincott anatomy chart on the wall
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Miss hello?… turn left or right?
Me: Oh uh uncle after traffic light turn left into the carpark..
After my bath I made a call to Malcolm.
Malcolm: Call me back in ten minutes.. Iam on the other line with someone..
Mmm.. I wonder who he is talkin to..
Female?
Male?
Me: Eh, talking to a potential girlfriend ah?
Malcolm: Haha, I was talking to an escort I used to meet..
Me: Oh..
Malcolm: She wanted to borrow money to lend to her boyfriend. Apparently burn his fingers in some shares. I doubt he burn his fingers in shares. More like gambling. Her boyfriend is a hardcore gambler! I told her so many times to leave him!
I felt a twinge of jealousy
She is just an escort
Why are you overly concern about her
Why are getting upset over her
Sigh
So am I
Kerri, you are also just an escort
Don’t you ever forget that
Malcolm: Kerri, I know I have no right to say this, but I really hope you are sensible enough not to give away your hard-earned money to your boyfriend.
Me: I don’t have a boyfriend. We.. broke up a couple of years back..
Malcolm: Oh ok..
Malcolm: Why did you guys break up?
Me: Because.. there is a clash in our personality.
Malcolm: Huh? If there is a clash then why be together in the first place?
Me: Tsk.. Aiya.. Initially you won’t know mah.. Its only when 2 people get really close together… then slowly you know the person true persona.. Wei, you are so much older than me…all these matters of the heart..you should know better than me…
Malcolm: *Laugh* I hasn’t been dating for like 5 or 6 years..
Me: Why? Are You fussy? You are so eligible.. You have all the 5Cs..
6C….Plus one more C..
Choking people..
Malcolm: *Laugh* Yeah 5C… You want the truth? Better not, I don’t want to offend you..
Me: Say say.. Iam not easily offended..
Malcolm: Ermm.. I think most women just love my money..more than love me..
Me: Mmm.. Sure or not.. Surely you have met someone who truly love you..
Malcolm: My last relationship.. I love her so much.. you know.. we were at the verge of marriage..
Me: Then then???
Maybe you scare her away with your superb choking skills..
Malcolm: I brought her to alot of parties and she got to know a high profile banker.. Very rich.. Richer than me.. For half a year she went out with him while still dating me..
Me: Oh my god.. How you find out?
Malcolm: Their love story and wedding photos was splashed across The Tatler magazine.. Well, its a blessing in disguise.. finally see her true colours.. Good luck to her husband.
Me: Oh.. so you hate women now?..
Malcolm: No.. I don’t hate women.. I just don’t believe in love anymore..
I envy your ex-girlfriend
I envy her so much
Because she once, had your love..
Me: Is that why you keep engaging escorts?
Malcolm: Err.. What made you say that?
Because you say so..
On our first meeting..
I remember everything you said..
Me: Oh.. I don’t know.. I just guess..
Malcolm: Iam a man Kerri.. I have certain needs..
Me: Oh.. needs like choking people?!..
The words were out before I realise it
There was a deafening silence on his end
Damn!
He is angry?
I didnt mean it
Me: Haha.. Just kidding..
Malcolm: Sorry
Me: Why sorry?
Malcolm: I know I play a bit rough
Me: You know.. You scare the shit out of me during.. during our first night..
Malcolm: *Laugh* When I first saw you.. I just.. I don’t know how to say it.. Nevermind.. Anyway, enough about me. I want to know about you..
Me: Tsk.. No.. Just say.. When you first saw me what happen?
Malcolm: Erm.. you look very vulnerable.. Fragile.. Yet not fragile..
Me: (Laugh) Oh.. because I seems fragile… u feel a need to protect me is it?
Malcolm: No Kerri.. I don’t want to protect you..
My heart just sank..
Me: (Forced laughter) Haha.. ok.. then?
Malcolm: I want to hurt you Kerri..
WHAT!..
Me: I don’t understand.. Why you want to hurt me?
Malcolm: I don’t understand it anymore than you do.. Its just.. a feeling..
Me: Did you hurt your past girlfriends or escorts as well?
Malcolm: No.. Sex was just normal with them. Even with those escorts, at the most is just some spanking.. There isn’t any urge to hurt them or be rough or.. I don’t know why.. *Sigh*
Malcolm: *Frustrated* I don’t understand.. but when I am with you, I just want to hurt you.. I enjoy seeing you scream.. I don’t know why.. Sorry.. I thought you could tell me why..
Me: Huh… why like this..?
Malcolm: I don’t know..
Me: *Sigh* Ok malcolm.. I want to sleep now.. It has been a long day..
Malcolm: Sorry.. You alright? Are you going to stop meeting me?
Me: *Silence*
Malcolm: Kerri?
Me: Iam alright. You mention a party next week?
Malcolm: * Excited * Yes! Haha.. Its a.. very interesting party.. Come with me.
Come with me..
Its not a question nor a request
More like a command
Me: Ok. Smart casual?
Malcolm: Err.. Attire dosen’t really matter.. Well, smart casual is fine. By the way, just now the roleplay? I must say, you are a natural. Have you done this before? I can’t wait to continue the roleplay..
Me: No, I never act before..
Me: Ok! Malcolm..Iam tired.. You let me know the details of the party another day ok?
Malcolm: Alright.. You have a good sleep. Good night Kerri.
Me: Good nite.
I did not lie there
Its the truth
I have never really act in roleplays
I don’t need to
Laying on my bed, I just could not go to sleep
Listening to the echos in my mind
I want to hurt you
I enjoy seeing you scream….
I never have to put an act for roleplays
I don’t need to
Because its all pure pain and terror
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1/4/11 Remember when (part 2)
Laying on my bed, I just could not go to sleep
Listening to the echos in my mind
I want to hurt you
I enjoy seeing you scream….
I never have to put an act for roleplays
I don’t need to
Because its all pure pain and terror
Chirp chirp..
I look at the incoming SMS on my mobile phone, its Malcolm.
Malcolm: I can’t sleep. Chat with me for a while..
Me: Haha… okie
Me: Why cannot sleep?
Malcolm: Tell me why you broke up with your ex boyfriend? I don’t believe its just a clash of personality.
Me: Aiyo.. Why are you so kaypoh?
Malcolm: Just want to know more about you.
My heart just skip a beat..
Me: The story is very long, are you sure you want to read?
Malcolm: Nevermind, I can call you now?
Me: No la.. I don’t feel like talking anyway.. I just text you.
Malcolm: Ok.
Once a upon a time, a girl fell in love with a boy…
The boy was very well liked by friends and family…reason being he is smart, witty, academically intelligent, filial and possessed an angelic face… coming from a string of cream-of-the-crop schools, his parents placed huge hopes and wishes on him…
But no one knew… no one knew the other side of the coin… they only see one shiny side… only the girl that fell deeply ..deeply in love with him knew… because its only with the girl he loved that he would take off his perfectly sculpted mask.
Everyone envied this couple… the love between them is always so palpable… so sweet and tender that it hurts..
As the days go… their love deepen.. so deep that the girl was allowed into his dark and twisted world.. the girl was aghast yet there was no point of return… she was determined to change him… because she loved him so much..
But the battle against the dark was a uphill task… but she never gave up… the darkness was starting to consume her mentally and physically.. she became increasingly moody and irritable… she threw tantrums and flare up for the slightest reason… she was totally aware of her changes and yet she was helpless…
One day she mustered her courage and ask for a split. The fateful decision was made after many sleepless nights.. the boy would not hear of it. They had a huge fight to an extent friends and family got wind of it…
In the end, the girl decided to give their relationship another chance.
The loving couple got back again and the sun continue to shine the earth never stop turning…. everything was back to the same… or was it?
One day, the girl ask for a split again and she would not hear of any pleas that he pleaded nor the threats he screamed at her… and to make things worse… friends and family pleaded on his behalf.. but she just would refused to bulge. Close friends were nitpicking on her why she wanted to leave such a nice and talented boy… horrid gossips like “she found a better guy” were rampant…
On the 3rd day of the split she received news that he had set a potassium chloride intravenous drip on himself and passed away… leaving behind a poignant letter for her…
The girl was devastated. She had never expected things will take such a horrific turn. But it was too late..
From then on its her against the world… friends and his family blamed her for his death… she lost almost all of her friends… but no one knew her miseries… no one knew she was actually protecting their precious memories of the boy by not revealing how dangerously warped he was.
On the last day of the wake, she turned up to send him off for the last time but was vehemently chased away.
But what made her so forlorn and jaded was not only her beloved sudden departure but the trust and friendship of friends that was so seemingly strong… but shattered at the slight rustle… The accusations were all very vileful.
She shut down her facebook, changed her mobile number and emails. Only her mother and niece stood by her during that darkest period of her life.
Malcolm: Oh my.. Iam so sorry.. I didn’t know… I shouldn’t have probe.. It must have been painful for you to recall all these..
Me: Its ok Malcolm.. Its so long already.. I have long healed.. What didn’t kill me only serve to make me stronger.
Me: Hey, really late already… Lets go to bed ok?
Malcolm: I wish you are in my bed now. Ok.. good night.
Me: Haha… good night Malcolm..
Have i really healed?
It is often said, time will heal all wounds
But still it will leave scars
Just because the scars had healed, doesn’t mean the pain has
1/4/11 Remember when (part 3)
Have i really healed?
It is often said, time will heal all wounds
But still it will leave scars
Just because the scars had healed, doesn’t mean the pain has..
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Me: Can we not play those games anymore?
Daniel: Why? I thought you enjoy it too?
I pretend to enjoy it so that you can be happy..
Me: Sometimes it get too painful Daniel…
Daniel: * laugh * Do you know you look so beautiful when you are screaming..
Me: Huh?!! What…..
I never had the chance to complete my sentence. He force his mouth onto mine and push his tongue against mine. A tongue fight which always left me gasping for breath.
Without a word he push me unto the bed and buried his head in my chest. I brought my hands to his head and gently rouse his hair. Pulling him up I tried to kiss him on the mouth but he grab hold of my hair and gently arch my neck upwards.
I moan and turn my head to the side. It feel so good to be nuzzled on the neck.
The neck is the only area he is gentle because he once said there are 2 major blood vessels running down either side of the neck.
Sigh
Why don’t all the major vessels run all over my body
Just for once, so that he can be this gentle to me
My hands dance down his body to his privates. As usual, he is soft and flaccid.
I push him down and straddle him. Sliding my body slowly against his till I reach his manhood. He is still limp. I look up at his grinning face.
Gently, I lick and kiss
Tickle and tease
Fondle and fondle
I took all of him into my mouth
Hoping the warmth will arouse the still limp member
All to no avail..
Daniel: * Smiling * You know it dosen’t work that way for me..
He stood up and walk to his closet.
I close my eyes and pray
Hoping its the scarf
Hoping its the feather
Please don’t let it be the cable tie
Its none of the above.
In his hands was a bundle of black rope.
Me: Huh? Again? What game again this time?
Daniel: Its a surprise..
I dread the word surprise
Every game of his has a surprise
And I always ended up screaming
Not for joy though
Me: If you want to tie me up you have to catch me first..
With that I dash out of his room and ran to the dining table.
Daniel: Ahh Kerri .. you want to play cat and mouse..
I laugh and attempt to run away from him but he is too quick for me. With one hand drape around my shoulders he scoop me in his arms and carried me to the bed.
I slip my hands firmly under my buttocks as he reach out for them.
Me: *pouts* Eh, I don’t want to use that lah. Can? Please..
Without a word he pull out my hands and wound the rope on both my hands forming a complex knot. The rope despite its tough looking texture was surprisingly soft. Not your usual rope from the hardware shop. Later I learned it was some kind of silk rope used specially in kinbaku bondage.
Me: Wa.. when did you learn to tie like this?
Smiling down on me, he raise my bounded hands above my head and climb on top of me. Using his knees he spread my thighs apart.
He came close to me and touch his lips to mine. He did not kiss me. Looking into my eyes, he chew my lower lips. Just a gentle nibble. Slowly he move down to my neck, nibbling all the way to my soft mound. He slip a slippery tongue inside curling it in all directions. It was a heavenly sensation.
I cherish every single second of his uncanny gentleness. But there is a price to pay. For every second of bliss there was a second of pain to endure…
He was pushing my thighs far apart. My knees were just next to my breasts.
Yes, iam that flexible..
I felt utterly obscene to open my legs that wide. So I attempted to bring them together.
Me: * Giggling * Waa.. Are you looking for gold? Open my legs so big for what..
I clamp my legs together squeezing his head out of my thighs.
He pry open my legs and I clamp them back together.
Frustrated, he stop pushing my legs and look at me.
Daniel: Open your legs
Me: Don’t want.. you untie me first then I will open.. If not, its closed for the night..
I pout and look away.
He got up from the bed and came back with a long metal ruler. The metal ruler again. At least it wasn’t the wooden dowel with the sharp end. Without any warning, he smack the metal ruler hard against my thigh.
Me: OUCH!! SHIT MAN DANIEL!! IT HURTS!!
Overwhelmed with anger, I clamp onto the ruler with my feet and fling it away.
The look on his face was thunderous
I flip to one side n curl into a fetal position
Laying still. Just an act of defiance to see what he can do to me
I just refuse to move
He prop me onto my knees and held my waist. I was now on all fours with my butt high in the air. There is something animalistic about this position. It reminded me of my ex neighbour’s dog, Merlin the great dane. She used to stretch herself this way every morning.
I knew what was coming my way. Sigh
The thing with Daniel was that he was never fascinated with raw sex. That was where I find it weird as I always presume that all men loves the act of sex. The penetration. The act of copulation. The production of semen. But not Daniel. Very few of our altered romantic bonding sessions ended with any form of discharges.
Well, with the exception of blood.
With my butt high in the air, he turn around and lean against the soft folds of my butt cheeks. There are times where I will be lying on top of him (which I do not mind) or him on top of me and falling asleep in that manner.
After 15 minutes of being a butt furniture of sorts I collapse on the bed and kick him away.
Me: *Giggling* Wei, very shiok hor
He climb on top of me and cradle my head. I look up at his boyish face and into those soft black eyes.
Tell me why I love you so much..
Grabbing a fistful of my hair, he tilt my head back exposing my fair tender neck. We kiss passionately before he went down to my neck. I was lost in the throes of passion. Yeah, I could orgasmic just from nuzzling my neck.
It was all moonlight and roses, until he bite me on my shoulder.
A piercing pain that jolted me out of my heaven.
I do not mind him rough handling me
I do not mind him tying me
I do not mind him using me as a furniture prop
But i do mind when he bite me and drew blood. Its not so much of the pain that bothers me. It was the behaviour.
The look on his face was melancholic and yet mischievous.. and something I could not place a finger on.
A palpable sense of joy
He look happy when he was hurting me. And yet.. I thought I saw a shadow of agony in his eyes..
I could have walk away. Walk away from him.
But I did not.
Perhaps this is what they meant by “Love is blind”
Why are you like this Daniel?
Why?
The next few days I had to resort to wearing long sleeve shirts to cover up the bruises on my wrist.
The last straw came when one day he was kissing me and he bit me on my lips. It bled non stop.
1/4/11 Remember when (part 4)
The day we broke up is a day of screaming and shrieking amid tears.
Daniel: Kerri.. please don’t leave.. I love you so much..
ME: PLEASE!! HURTING ME IS LOVING ME SO MUCH?!! DON’T BULLSHIT ME DANIEL.. IAM NOT A 3-YEAR-OLD!! IAM NOT STUPID!!!
Daniel: *In a quiet voice* Kerri, is there someone else in your life?
Me: NO!!! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!!! HOW COULD YOU!! I WANT TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE IAM JUST A SEX TOY TO YOU!!! ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO MAKE LOVE TO ME NOT TORTURE ME!!
Daniel: Don’t shout Kerri..
He took a step towards me and I back off by 5 steps.
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME!
The look on his face mirrored the expression when he first learned of his grandmother’s demise. Pure grief.
Daniel: You doubt my love for you?.. You don’t trust me anymore?..
I walked away from him..
Because I know I will give in..
If i see him cry..
It will just break my heart..
1/4/11 Remember when (Finale)
After numerous Goo Goo Dolls, Scorpions, Journey, my Ipod came up with a stirring oldie which I hadn’t heard for ages.
Sigh
I got up from my bed and went to the closet to retrieve an intricate cloisonne box. Gingerly I open the cover and took out the white mulberry paper nestled inside. He knew how much I love mulberry papers.
The contents of the paper made no references to me, neither did he indicate the reasons for this drastic act. Just a couple of apologies to his family and heart wrenching words. But in everyone else eyes I am the cause of that letter. I am the cause of his death.
The last few sentences were heavily smudged by the ink in round patches. He must have been crying..
It take every ounce of me to obtain this letter.
Copious amount of begging and bitter tears..
** For personal reasons I will not be posting the contents of that letter **
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.
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To the outside world, it seemed he committed suicide because I left him. Just another love story that went awry. But no one knew the real truth behind his sudden departure. No one knew, accept me.
I did not have the habit to check my email daily. Its wasn’t till 4 days after his death that I saw his email. It was sent 2 hours before he passed away.
The email was titled
Forgive me
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kerri I know you are hating me as you are reading this
no words could describe how I am feeling now..
perhaps calm and compose?
hahha I have never felt this blissful this very moment
letting go is the greatesst feeling
you said I was torturing you and not making love
you said I was not a normal man
you said did I ever love you
you are right Iam not what i seems Kerri
i enjoy playing those sadistic games
because it give me an immense pleasurable pain to hurt you
but you never knew after each time I hurt you how much agony I feel inside
i never told you this
imfact I never told anyone
it start when I was studing for PSLE
mom and dad want me to go RI
i feel compel to excel in everythinI do
to tem I was a trophy son
they keep comparin me to my cousinns
my academic path was decided for me even before I was born
yhey want me to be a doctor a surgeon
fuck but they never ask me what I really want be when I grow up
i never had any chance of telling them I just want to be a music composer bar pianist or piano teacher
hahaaaaa anyway its pointless to say they never will acept that
i hadd to study so hard to get into all these schools
to get those coveted awards
i need something to numb the pain
so I begin to poke pens pencils into my flesh
it feel so good
a physixalpain to numb the emotional pain
i play rugby not because I enjoy sports
but because I enjoy the rough falls and bumps
i enjoy the pain of sprains
i feed om the pain
people say I was extremeky gifted
i excel in everything I do
but they never see the bloodand sweat I put in
expectations of me only got higher
so high I could not see myself anymore
iiwas neverhappy in my entire life
never
till I met you
it was the best thing that ever happen to me
i could forget everything whenever iam with yoi
but it was also the worst
beacuse I beginm to hurt you
hurting you is the most painful thing I ever experienced
because I love you so deply Kerri
but I could not stop
you are so fookish
you should hav run away
far away from me
but you did not
you play along
because I know you want me to be happy
a few time I was extremeily tempted to break off with you
but I could not bring myself to do it
even when you brough the topic up I could not do it.
i still not want to let you go
iknow my behaviou towards you was appallin at that time
becausae I was so desperste to keep you
every moment with you was etche in my mind
i own you to much Kerri
i know no words could ever replace the pain I cause
please forgive me
forgive me for beimg selfish bastard
leavin is the easiset way out
out of this misersable life
i m so sorry
so sorry
goodbye
I love you
iam not what I seems
iam nothing but a dream
i have no memorries of the thoughts I once had
now Iam gone and have no worries
no morereasons to feel sorry for what I cannot fix
This poem were the devastating last words by kurt cobain. Daniel had adored this poem and this was his wall paper on his computer. It was very clear to me now he was already suffering from mild depression from the moment I met him.
Me: why you want to put this on your computer? So sad leh
Daniel: *smiling* Really? I love this poem.. maybe one day I will also go like him leaving this words behind..
Me: Wei, don’t anyhow say..
The email was littered with grammatical errors. I believe he was already not in his right frame of mind at that moment. His eyes could be blinded by tears.. I don’t know.. i really don’t know anymore.. I would give anything to go back to that moment.. To hold him in my arms again..
To say I love you again.
I could have shown his email to everyone especially his parents.. so that they know what they have done to him.. I badly want them to feel the guilt.. I badly want them to feel the pain I am feeling.. I want everyone to stop accusing me..
But I did not
2 wrongs doesn’t make a right
Everyone has their own pain to deal with
I want him to leave a dignified man
Perfect in everyone’s memories
A perfect son
A perfect cousin
A perfect friend
This email represent his desire to lock his secrets with me
I believe it is his last wish as well
On that fateful day I spend the whole night reading his last words over and over again.
I did not cry
Simply because there was no more tears left
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I look at my phone. 3am. Sleepless and tearing away.
I miss you so much
Where are you now
有人问我你究竟是那里好
这么多年我还忘不了
是鬼迷了心窍也好
是前世的因缘也好
然而这一切已不再重要
我在佛前日夜苦苦哀求
让我在踏过这条奈何桥之前
你能够重回我怀抱
让我再吻一吻你的脸
9/4/2011 (Part 1– Down the rabbit hole)
Malcolm: I will be reaching your carpark in 10 minutes
Me: Ok. Wait near the lift area.
The last couple of days had me pestering/coercing/cajoling after Malcolm over the mysterious house party. He had refused to divulge any details other than “Its an interesting party”… “You will know when you are there la”…
I was desperately curious.
Me: Ok.. If you refuse to tell me what kind of party then I won’t go.
Me: Are you going to tell me or not?!
Me: I really not going you know. Iam serious!
Me: Aww.. Come on.. Any hints? Celebrity party? Some big shot poolside wedding?
Me: Ahhh… your birthday party?!!
Malcolm: Hahahahahaha.. you will know on Saturday.. Stop asking, I won’t tell you. And you will go. Because I know you are curious haha…
And he is right.
Getting out of the lift I look around the carpark for his black Jaguar. Slowly I made my way towards his car. The thought of seeing this man again has stirred up a cauldron of emotions. Happiness? Excitement? Apprehension?
Malcolm: Heya beautiful..
He beamed and gave my nose a little pinch.
He was dressed in a navy blue Polo Ralph tee coupled with jeans and loafers. Simple get-up. But I thought he look good to eat.
So its not a formal party after all. Iam glad I wore my Forever 21 simple black sundress.
After 15 minutes of drive, he drove into a long driveway flanked by trees and parked next to a black Maserati.
Malcolm: Ahhh.. haha…he is here too..
Me: Who is here too?
Malcolm: Haha…you will know later.. will introduce you to him. He wants to meet you too. You will like him.
I scowled at him and got out of the car.
The first sight that greeted me was two menacing stone lion gargoyles guarding the entrance of the porch. Muffled shrieks and laughter can be heard from the house.
What kind of party is this?
Why is he so mysterious about it?
Never mind, guess I will know in a minute..
Malcolm took out a card from his pocket and swipe the door.
A subtle click and the door opened.
Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he chuckled.
Malcolm: Only trusted friends have this key to her house. Of course, only valid on party day.
We went up a flight of stairs and came to the large living hall.
Its like looking through a gigantic kaleidoscope. The air was so thick with vibrancy and excitement. The whole house was littered with naked bodies or at least in some state of undress.
I stood next to a towering artisan floor lamp and simply gaped at the scene unfolding in front of me.
Geez. It is an orgy party.
9/4/2011 Part 2 (Down the rabbit hole)
Malcolm took out a card from his pocket and swipe the door.
A subtle click and the door opened.
Seeing the bewildered look on my face, Malcolm smiled.
Malcolm: Only trusted friends have this key to her house. Of course, only valid on the day of the party.
Its like looking through a kaleidoscope. The air was so thick with vibrancy and excitement. The whole house was littered with naked bodies or at least in some state of undress.
I stood next to a towering artisan floor lamp and simply gaped at the scene unfolding in front of me.
Geez. It is an orgy party.
Someone held around my waist and whispered into my ears.
Come with me, we go upstairs.
I was so awestruck that I did not even realise I was rooted to the floor unmoving and just soaking in the clandesline sights.
Heavily ornated with baroque-style furnishings, the house was an exquisite work of art.
Holding my hand, Malcolm lead me across the marbled flooring, past naked dancing couples and up a flight of winding staircase.
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Hey Mal, good to see you tonight!
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Mal, new hot chick you have there!
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Aww, the little prince is here today!
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Me: Why did he call you little prince?
Malcolm: Haha.. its a private joke between us.
The 2nd level of the quintessential house was an extension of the ground level but albeit with a darker decor and even darker nude figure paintings that adorned the walls. There were two corridors leading to different rooms. We turned into the corridor on the left and came to a halt in front of a heavy paneled wooden door.
Malcolm put an ear to the door and listened.
Malcolm: Just want to make sure there isn’t anyone inside. Once I stumbled onto a foursome.
Me: isn’t that good for you? You can make it fivesome! Hahaha
I mean isn’t that what you guys come for? For the many-many somes right? Anyway if there are people inside, they would have locked the door right?
Malcolm: Haha.. What you said is true. But Iam quite shy.. only one-on-one for me. Eh the door dosen’t have locks at all.
Huh? The room can’t be locked?
He turned the knob and we went in.
I thought I could have an orgasm right there and then. Well, should I say, a visual orgasm for my eyes.
Its a most peculiar room I have ever been to in my entire life. Yet its the most gorgeously breathtaking sight that stayed in my memory for the longest time.
An assortment of eclectic odds and ends littered the dark damasked room.
The owner must have spent a fortune in acquiring these pieces for I believe they do not come cheap. Every single piece is a sought-after collectible item.
Suddenly I was acutely aware of someone talking and hugging me from behind.
Malcolm: I knew you will love this room. Because once I saw you admiring an antique silk screen.
Me: It is all steampunk. Amazing!
Malcolm: Huh? What punk?
I push away from his embrace and came to halt in front of a gigantic wall clock. Instead of numerals, the dark bronzy antique victorian clock had numerous gears and bolts on it. I touched it gently as if it might disintegrate any moment.
A gunmetal jewel box encrusted with teal coloured stones.
An old rusty treasure box of sorts.
Several large grimoires and Wicca Pagan book of spells journals.
And many more enchanting pieces.
In the middle of the room stood a scarlet empire couch with silk upholstery. It is nothing short of stunning.
It was a room of full of old world charm.
Is the items for sale? I must have wondered aloud.
Malcolm: I doubt so. Emmeline loves all these to bits. Doubt she would want to sell them.
Once again, I felt a pair of hands going around my waist and slowly climbing up my chest. I leaned back against him and glazed up the ceiling. The 3-tier silvery gold chandelier shimmered under the soft lighting and cast a ethereal glow all around the room.
Its a heavenly treat for all my senses. For the first time even my seemingly righteous twin was in awe.
And then I thought I heard my name.
Malcolm: Kerri? You are so far away…
He clasped my bosom tightly to his body and another hand on my neck. I smiled. Iam so used to him that his rough antics doesn’t scare me anymore.
Am I really just getting used to it?
Or am I really enjoying it?
By now, I had one of his hands inside my panties and one firmly latched on my neck. Our heads conjoined with an occasional kiss. We stood like this in what seems like silent bliss for 10 minutes.
And the all hell broke loose.