Quote:
Originally Posted by
Wizrd
Na bei bro…you sure know how to push my buttons…
I hear you bro…and also know you are right….but…
Ok, ok…I think I have time to think this over right? Like I said, I’ll be in Melbourne soon…maybe give her a call and have a heart to heart with her first…then see how to involve her parents into a meet up later…this gives me a couple of weeks to seriously consider all possible permutations of outcome and fallout…
My feelings on this is not as hard-lined as you said though…doing the right things is good, but not always prudent and not always the best way to go…
I, and C & C, are already so-called one foot in the coffin type…while healing 20+ years of hurt will be great news…I’m not sure I want to chance another 20+ years of hurt for what I may or may not do today…
Yes, of course you have time etc but you also know that to do or at least to TRY to do the best you can about the situation is a MUST! There’s no avoiding it and it truly is high time that you do confront all the demons in your life. Karma, chance, whatever, but you are where you are right now as there IS a reason!!
Not always prudent/Not the best way to go?
Come on guy – there is no substitute for doing the right thing.
And yes, IMHO you must take the daughter into your full confidence; try to find out more about how C+C are these days and together with her, figure out what is the best way to approach them. After all, the daughter knows them intimately.
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If we play out the non-encounter…they are blissfully oblivious to my existence (or re-entry into their lives) and they will likely live the same as they have been for so many years…happily or not, not withstanding…the girl is the only one hurt, which as much as it pains me…seems a normal part of life…even at my age, I get my share of heartaches from mis-selecting a partner (fucking case in point right, bro?)…she is a tough minded young lady…and I think she will move on from this and perhaps ‘screw up’ her next relationship, just like most of us go through as part of our growing up…and she will find her happiness herself…over time, she may hate, or miss me…but that is par for the course in life.
Blisfully oblivious to your existence …. WHILST for sure suffering from a mostly unspoken and deep-seated unhappiness. A painfully heavy albatross that they themselves have no power to remove from their hearts …and only you can do so. And don’t be so pessimistic as to the outcome of this approach! After all, your involvement in their unhappiness had NOT been set off by an active/purposeful act on your part; it just happened stupidly. And I would think that 20 years would be long enough for them to now not loose their temper as they had when it was a fresh wound. And for sure some maturity and common sense gained during the intervening years.
And you will have an important Ace in hand –the daughter!!
And BTW, I’d opine that your relationship with the daughter should and ought to take a back seat to the task at hand – this you must also discuss with her fully and for her to agree. After all, you 2 will be talking about something way more important than love affairs – which lets face it, happens all the time, not a big deal comparatively. Sure if it can be accommodated within this framework, fine and dandy, but it cannot take any prominence. You two should totally leave out the part about you 2 being romantically involved for now; that you did meet, just chatted as friends, put 2 and 2 together and discovered your ties to her parents etc. Not lying, just leave out the Romance part out as it will only complicate matters more.
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However…going down the route of a ‘confrontation’ brings about untold permutations and unknown reactions…not that I’m afraid to face them necessarily, bro…but because of the multiple unknown factor, we cannot logically work out the end game…and hence unable to device any strategy to deal with what may happen…yes bro…we can always hope for the best and plan for the worst…but in this case…I do not know what the worst is? Let’s say, as one pm suggested to me…what if Ching kills herself over the shame of this being exposed to her children OR to the fact that she and her daughter have ‘had’ the same man? How shall I live with that? (as you rightly said bro…female feelings and reactions are a mystery to us men…)
Ok…it may not be so drama…but…because we do not know what the worst case scenario can be…I’m reluctant to start a process I will be powerless to stop or control, should it go terribly wrong…
Thus the full and UNEQUIVOCAL cooperation of the daughter is very important; a daughter who I would think would place the happiness of her parents way over that of her own (convince her – LOL!) and a daughter who knows her own parents intimately and thus able to steer both of you towards a safe and good outcome.
Yes, definitely discuss with daughter (what IS her name anyway??? I’m getting tired of typing “daughter” out each time!!) ALL the possible permutations AND how to handle it all; I’d suggest even to the point of writing these things down and to practice handling such problems over and over again. You two are doing something serious and you both should handle it seriously….hopefully helping to convince C + C that you really have their best interest as THE ONLY thing that matters.
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Hope to hear your further thoughts bro…and thanks for bearing with me…
Cheers…
And errr…. Thanks for bearing with MOI!!
You did say you want my further thoughts didn’t you? LOL!
Good luck bro
SEAJ
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Tazzymercs
BRO!!!!!!!!!
i just realized this is what you know…lol asian remake of twlight breaking dawn part 1 and 2
lol you like the jacob hahaha wanna up belle ( ching ) but ching already with chong ( edward ) then you kena imprinted by the little girl half vampire….then when she grew up you up her liao wahahahaha KNN
like that also can link de…
hurry up with your " breaking dawn part 3 " leh lol dun hemm and haww liao lol ka kin! hahahaha
Ning na buay eh….
Bro…you know those nice people in white coats? And you remember them giving you a few packets of those pills? What they tell you bro is not a suggestion bro…you really must take those medication daily…ok bro? Please…take your medication hor? Now, that’s a good boy…..
Na bei…like that also can anyhow link…your brain short circuit already lah…
When those nice guys in white coat come get you…please dont struggle bro…they are doing it for your benefit…ok?
Hahahaha…you are special bro…very special indeed…KNN…
Cheers bro…always a joy to read your thoughts…
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SEAJ
Yes, of course you have time etc but you also know that to do or at least to TRY to do the best you can about the situation is a MUST! There’s no avoiding it and it truly is high time that you do confront all the demons in your life. Karma, chance, whatever, but you are where you are right now as there IS a reason!!
…………
And errr…. Thanks for bearing with MOI!!
You did say you want my further thoughts didn’t you? LOL!
Good luck bro
SEAJ
Wait bro…
I read your post a few times…let me clear up an idea I think you are suggesting…
….I should talk to her…Maybe or maybe not reveal the full truth to her…but give her enough info to initiate a meet up with C&C….
Then for the purpose of the meet up…make her out to be the intermediary for the meet instead of her having any relationship with me…
Hopefully, C&C are as forgiving as you suggest…all goes well…I get my 2 friends back…well, sort of…and even if it doesn’t go as well, at least I tried…
Then she and I can decide how and in what way we continue our relationship…or not?
Hmmmmm…this might be workable…but how much to tell her and into how much details is something I need to think about…cannot have her get shocked and surprised when some details come out during the meet…so she must know and be ok that her mother and I had a past together…sexually…hmmm…a challenge…
What are your thoughts bro?
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Wizrd
Wait bro…
I read your post a few times…let me clear up an idea I think you are suggesting…
….I should talk to her…Maybe or maybe not reveal the full truth to her…but give her enough info to initiate a meet up with C&C….
Then for the purpose of the meet up…make her out to be the intermediary for the meet instead of her having any relationship with me…
Hopefully, C&C are as forgiving as you suggest…all goes well…I get my 2 friends back…well, sort of…and even if it doesn’t go as well, at least I tried…
Then she and I can decide how and in what way we continue our relationship…or not?
Hmmmmm…this might be workable…but how much to tell her and into how much details is something I need to think about…cannot have her get shocked and surprised when some details come out during the meet…so she must know and be ok that her mother and I had a past together…sexually…hmmm…a challenge…
What are your thoughts bro?
.
First and foremost you must enlist her to be totally on your side; and to do that IMHO you need be totally and fully honest with her.
The last thing you want to happen is if “The Daughter” (Christ, pls give me a name to write!!) gets blind-sided by anything you and C+C discusses; anything of significance that she did not know about/you did not disclose to her comes out in the meeting with C+C, she would feel betrayed, will totally be turned off by your “Lies” and you’d have all three of them reaching for your throat!
No, no, no - bro - this whole thing mainly happened because you originally withheld information you had deemed unimportant/insignificant; don’t make the same mistake again.
And know that the daughter IS your ACE - an ace which must be totally on your side and which you can only accomplish if you are fully honest with her.
Make her out to be an “intermediary?” Are you mad? The conversation you are going to have with C+C is NOT going to be easy, plenty of hard truth and words are gonna be spoken - and for sure then C+C will figure out that you’re now just merely using their daughter as an “intermediary??”
The same old selfish Wizrd who’s only interest is himself.
Madness!!
SEAJ
Ps. And the BEST way to decide on a course of action is AFTER you’ve fully discussed the matter with daughter; you will find out most of the important details of C+C’s lives now, how their relationship is now, how they’ve matured etc - all things which you AND DAUGHTER - will need to come up with a plan of action.
No use for you to get more suggestions here - just DO IT!
I mean go and discuss it thoroughly with daughter and decide on a plan of action with her.
Then as a TEAM, work towards a common goal of making HER parents happy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SEAJ
First and foremost you must enlist her to be totally on your side; and to do that IMHO you need be totally and fully honest with her.
The last thing you want to happen is if “The Daughter” (Christ, pls give me a name to write!!) gets blind-sided by anything you and C+C discusses; anything of significance that she did not know about/you did not disclose to her comes out in the meeting with C+C, she would feel betrayed, will totally be turned off by your “Lies” and you’d have all three of them reaching for your throat!
No, no, no - bro - this whole thing mainly happened because you originally withheld information you had deemed unimportant/insignificant; don’t make the same mistake again.
And know that the daughter IS your ACE - an ace which must be totally on your side and which you can only accomplish if you are fully honest with her.
Make her out to be an “intermediary?” Are you mad? The conversation you are going to have with C+C is NOT going to be easy, plenty of hard truth and words are gonna be spoken - and for sure then C+C will figure out that you’re now just merely using their daughter as an “intermediary??”
The same old selfish Wizrd who’s only interest is himself.
Madness!!
SEAJ
Ps. And the BEST way to decide on a course of action is AFTER you’ve fully discussed the matter with daughter; you will find out most of the important details of C+C’s lives now, how their relationship is now, how they’ve matured etc - all things which you AND DAUGHTER - will need to come up with a plan of action.
No use for you to get more suggestions here - just DO IT!
I mean go and discuss it thoroughly with daughter and decide on a plan of action with her.
Then as a TEAM, work towards a common goal of making HER parents happy.
Ok bro…I understand what you mean now…
It’s not going to happen then bro…
Firstly, I do not know how to tell her about her mother And me…maybe if she and I had been together for a few months or years, I can slowly tell her…but 6-7 days is not enough to give me immunity…
Secondly…Ching may really kill herself…I chose another woman instead of her, which prompted the first outburst…now I’m choosing her daughter over her again…I’m not doing it bro…it is a lose lose for me and my conscience is not worth the shit the body and mind has to deal with…
Thirdly…assuming these two women are strong enough to handle the truth…what about Chong?
Let me ask you bro…lets say you just found a girlfriend…someone you adore in a very short time…and thinking of introducing her to your family…then out of the blue…she tells you she used to bang your father…and can you please help to fix it so that she and your father can now be friends??? What do you think your reaction will be??? And…what do you think your father’s reaction will be???
(Can’t speak for you bro, but I know what my reaction would be…why the fuck did you tell me?? And no fucking way in hell will I help…you just want to bang him again right?…would be my reaction…)
It is precisely because I am not mad that I decided on the MIA option bro…
Thanks but its a no go bro…
Cheers…
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SEAJ
First and foremost you must enlist her to be totally on your side; and to do that IMHO you need be totally and fully honest with her.
The last thing you want to happen is if “The Daughter” (Christ, pls give me a name to write!!) gets blind-sided by anything you and C+C discusses; anything of significance that she did not know about/you did not disclose to her comes out in the meeting with C+C, she would feel betrayed, will totally be turned off by your “Lies” and you’d have all three of them reaching for your throat!
No, no, no - bro - this whole thing mainly happened because you originally withheld information you had deemed unimportant/insignificant; don’t make the same mistake again.
And know that the daughter IS your ACE - an ace which must be totally on your side and which you can only accomplish if you are fully honest with her.
Make her out to be an “intermediary?” Are you mad? The conversation you are going to have with C+C is NOT going to be easy, plenty of hard truth and words are gonna be spoken - and for sure then C+C will figure out that you’re now just merely using their daughter as an “intermediary??”
The same old selfish Wizrd who’s only interest is himself.
Madness!!
SEAJ
Ps. And the BEST way to decide on a course of action is AFTER you’ve fully discussed the matter with daughter; you will find out most of the important details of C+C’s lives now, how their relationship is now, how they’ve matured etc - all things which you AND DAUGHTER - will need to come up with a plan of action.
No use for you to get more suggestions here - just DO IT!
I mean go and discuss it thoroughly with daughter and decide on a plan of action with her.
Then as a TEAM, work towards a common goal of making HER parents happy.
bro SEAJ…return ups u +9!!!
Ok Bro – it’s of course your own life and naturally, your own choice; but I really don’t think that this course of action you’re contemplating is the best way…certainly not for anybody with a bit of gumption and sense of decency. Sorry, just MY own, probably very cloistered-view POV
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Wizrd
Ok bro…I understand what you mean now…
It’s not going to happen then bro…
Firstly, I do not know how to tell her about her mother And me…maybe if she and I had been together for a few months or years, I can slowly tell her…but 6-7 days is not enough to give me immunity…
To me the whole thing has got very little to do with you and the daughter, all to do with your obligation as a friend AND what I would assume would be the daughter’s filial duty to her parents; that she SHOULD be very concerned with the well being of her parents.
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Secondly…Ching may really kill herself…I chose another woman instead of her, which prompted the first outburst…now I’m choosing her daughter over her again…I’m not doing it bro…it is a lose lose for me and my conscience is not worth the shit the body and mind has to deal with…
This is where the discussion you must have with daughter is essential and central to the plan. This is when telling her the whole truth of the matter is not only crucial, but it is THE opportunity for you to fully let her understand your concerns about how the BOTH of you must handle the situation.
Like I suggested, your affair with daughter MUST be at the back burner and you must convince her that for the sake of her parents, her filial duty, she must also just forget it for the moment. Just let it be that you just accidentally met and became just regular friends, when by accident you discovered who she really is.
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Thirdly…assuming these two women are strong enough to handle the truth…what about Chong?
Chong – yes, the stoic, dependable as the day is long Chong. I of course ALSO don’t know how he would handle this; but I AM thinking that after 20 years, all of us matures and mellow down. Plus note the fact that the marriage HAS lasted this long….well… whatever happened 20 years ago had NOT led to the breakdown of their marriage. And especially when the daughter is now involved with trying to put things straight –I would think that that the loving/responsible father that Chong SHOULD be, would able to hold his temper.
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Let me ask you bro…lets say you just found a girlfriend…someone you adore in a very short time…and thinking of introducing her to your family…then out of the blue…she tells you she used to bang your father…and can you please help to fix it so that she and your father can now be friends??? What do you think your reaction will be??? And…what do you think your father’s reaction will be???
(Can’t speak for you bro, but I know what my reaction would be…why the fuck did you tell me?? And no fucking way in hell will I help…you just want to bang him again right?…would be my reaction…)
This situation…. Has actually happened in at least a couple of famous families in Hong Kong!!!. I Swear!! And these marriages have lasted up to now!!
But your scenario is not an analogy of your own situation. The girl screwing the father in law did NOT cause any rancour in the family of the F.I.L. Something which I am counting on the daughter, to take up to make things better in her own family.
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It is precisely because I am not mad that I decided on the MIA option bro…
Thanks but its a no go bro…
Cheers…
.
But again it is of course your own life, your own decision and either way you decide – I just wish you luck that you will find the peace-of-mind that I think you really want.
SEAJ
I’m sure you know what you want and what u plan to do… Don’t keep us campers waiting too long… It’s cold out there in da jungle while the bonfire is fading….
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SEAJ
Ok Bro – it’s of course your own life and naturally, your own choice; but I really don’t think that this course of action you’re contemplating is the best way…certainly not for anybody with a bit of gumption and sense of decency. Sorry, just MY own, probably very cloistered-view POV
SEAJ
Thanks bro…I think I know how to move forward in this case…thanks for your insight and encouragement…
For all your efforts, I feel I need to give you my take even though I know you do not agree with it…and while I can just simply agree with you here to get you ’ off my back’… I think you deserve better…
The truth of the matter is…having no contact for more than 20+ years…although I was initially excited at your suggestion…to rekindle this friendship, and as much I still have some sentimental inkling for it; it has not been in my life for so long that it is seriously very low on my list of priorities….
This does not mean I do not value Chong as my friend, but that was another time and another place…for now, I rather put effort into my present friendships, many of whom have been in my life this recent 20+ years…
Of course, I will never say no to more friends, but the amount of drama to get this one back is not worth the risk of all possible downside…
The daughter, lets call her Chang…has her own life now…and should not, for a man she has been with for less than 2 weeks, have her life turned upside down and perhaps crashed in on her…and then, she is suppose to help this man get back into her family…causing unknown grief to people she actually love, and to herself…all for what? To be perfectly honest…and if I should be called a bastard, then so be it…but after finding out who she is…I’m not sure I can sleep with her again (she will likely feel the same once she knows the truth)…so at best, she will go through all the shit for a new friend, or at worst, doing it for an uncle she once had sex with…not really urgently-needed, top priority stuff in her life right now.
I don’t know why but most guys here or through pm, think I should marry her or hint at marriage eventually…but most women are telling me to leave the poor girl alone…and I tend to think the women know what a female would prefer…I am NEVER getting married again…not even with the goddess of the most erotic plus most tender love…
Perhaps you are right that this sort of things happens with other families. Bro, I know I’m a pretty open minded guy…and have done things most normal couples wouldn’t dream of trying…(I once had a swing with a couple and his first cousin…a swing with a couple and her sister etc…) but mother and daughter is not something even I can accept as a normal daily thing…maybe I need a few more years to get sicker in the mind before I can be excited at having done a mother and daughter combo…
Alrighty bro…there it is…maybe you’re disappointed in me…but I cannot do what you think is right…it feels all wrong to me…I know a way to get her home address and will write her a snail mail dear Jane letter…without giving her any facts, make an excuse to not see her again…hopefully, she can put the past with me behind her…
This episode was a mistake…whoever is to blame…but having that knowledge now that I made a mistake, then to go boldly in to stir up unknown amount of shit as I go, with a family who may have settled into a normal routine after 20+ years, just so I can feel better (which incidentally, I will not feel better at all, even if Chong hugs me and tells me I am still his best friend…plus I still have face Ching and Chang…)…it would be an inexcusably mindless, reckless and bastardly thing to even attempt…many have suggested that I leave the girl alone, and that, I believe is the most correct course of action…
Cheers bro…with my deepest respect to you…
,
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tcrecruit
I’m sure you know what you want and what u plan to do… Don’t keep us campers waiting too long… It’s cold out there in da jungle while the bonfire is fading….
Hahaha…thanks bro for hanging around the camp site….
Huh? Cold??
what happened to the fire that sis asdfghjkl started??
Aiya…must stoke the fire once in a while ma…
Yes…as stated above…
I’m going to snail mail her, giving her some excuse of why I can’t be with her anymore…and hope she’ll get over this quickly…
Thanks all for reading and helping…peace…
Cheers…
.