A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling," she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
I am back from my holiday! Did anybody miss my jokes
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
A couple had been married 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, “Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.
“Yep”, he said, “Just as I thought; just about the same size.”
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?”
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
She replied, “You don’t think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”
I asked my wife,“what would you do if i won the lottery?”
she replied,“i would take half and leave you”. I said,“good i won $12 here’s $6 now fuck off”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $5.20
Two Aspirins $3.50
Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little
Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one
that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like
your thinking.”
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticaly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m
calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then,
don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re
coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.’
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
“Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March…….”
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do “69”. “What the hell is that?” asks the guy. Realizing he’s inexperienced, she tries to explain, “I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.” Still not knowing what she’s talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. “What was that for?” he asks. “Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again.” she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. “Wait, where are you going?” she asks. The guy says, " If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy !!!!!