Home from the Air ForceA guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, “Honey, I want you to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!” And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. “Now watch,” he said. Next he said, “Dick, ten-HUT!” And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!” And his dick deflated again.“Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife. “Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s really something else!” The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy’s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.” Then he said “Dick, ten-HUT!” And the dick sprang to life. Then it was “Dick, at EASE!” But nothing happened. So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!” But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,“For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!” Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. “What in the world are you doing?” she asked. The guy says, “I’m givin’ this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!”
LAUGH IF YOU UNDERSTAND
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.All his professionalism goes right out the window…He tells her to take off her pants,she does,and he starts rubbing her thighs.“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?",she replies,“Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies,“Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!”
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”
THANKS TO ALL BRo WHO HAVE UP ME! Appreciate it very much! Will not be posting after tonight. Will be Going on a short holiday! So stay tuned!
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste
away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’l;l take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again.”
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.” With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered,“Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one guy says to the other, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn off the headlights before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I enter the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed veeeeery slowly… and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one guy says to the other, “You know, whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn off the headlights before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I enter the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed veeeeery slowly… and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”