Peter ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn’t too bad at all, and peter found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. He drank a bit (well more than a bit), He had a snuggle, and she asked him if he ever had a “sportsman double?” “Whats that?” peter asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said. “Oh,” peter said as his mind began to embrace the idea. “No, I haven’t.” And he wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. They drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was ‘his lucky night.’ He went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mom, you still awake?”
Three boys are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a man stumbles in and orders a beer.
Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve fucked your mom!’
The lads ignored him and returned to their beer.
He shouts again: ‘Up the ass!’
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your mom’s sucked my cock!’
The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’
Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home.
A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home.
Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jeweler, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty…”
A Kid Saw His Mother Messing With Make Up On Her Face And She Said: “Shit”
And Kid Asked To His Mother What Is “Shit?”
Then His Mother Answered: “It Is Second Word For Makeup.”
Then He Saw His Sister Talking On Phone About Condoms.
When Kid Asked Her: “What Is A Condom?”
Then Sister Replied: “It Is Second Word For Clothes”
After Few Minutes, Kid Saw His Father Was Cutting A Chicken.
When He Cuts His Finger & Said Fuck, Kid Asked: “What Is Fuck?”
Father Said To His Son: “It Is Second Word For Cutting”
Suddenly Door Bell Rang Kid Opened The Door And His Grandmother Came In & Asked Grandson: “Where Is Everyone?”
Then Kid Said Happily: “Mom Is Upstairs Putting Shit On Her Face, Sister Is Putting Condoms On & Daddy Is Fucking The Chicken“
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Little Johnny. “Nope.” replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”. Again Jimmy says “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Little Johnny. “No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say, “I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say ’lettuce’ and if you want to go faster say ’tomatos.'”
So they were getting it on and she was screaming, “lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos.”
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said,“Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me!”
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn’t want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was OK and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said, “Mom mom guess what?”
“What?”
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said, “Mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet.”
So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said. “Mom, mom guess what?”
The mom said, “Let me guess you pissed out a bullet.”
“No, I was jacking off and i shot the dog!”
Man laying in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask and all kinds of tubes coming from his body after a serious operation mumbles to a passing nurse, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” The nurse feeling sorry for the man says, “Hang on I will check.” She then proceeds to pull back the beds sheets, lifts up his gown, lifts up his penis and takes a close look, as she is covering him back up she says, “No sir, they are the same color as they were when u were admitted.”
“That’s wonderful,” says the man “but I asked you if my ’test results were back.’ "
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:”
Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.”
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”