After working together for some time Dick and Jane’s office
romance blossomed, and they really developed the ‘hots’ for each
other.
One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet
to consummate their lust.
Dick finds Jane very difficult to ’enter’, but finally succeeds.
When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, “If I had
known that you were a Virgin, I would’ve taken more time!”
To which Jane replies,“If I’d known that you had more time, I
would have taken off my Pantyhose!”.
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be
£10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then?
A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing your belt around your knee.?
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn’t let you touch me below my belt.
Little Johnny’s teacher says, “Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “Me, Miss Finch!”
Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, “All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate”.
Miss Finch smiles and says, “Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!”.
Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Finch, you’re thinking of a blowjob”.
Going to sleep now ! Sorry jokes will be coming in slow as i am kind of busy recently ): !
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry!”
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows
her from, so he asks, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?” She replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in your bouncing up and down on him”.
His mom is taken by surprise and says “Oh… well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
The little boy says, that won’t work"
His Mom says, “WHY?”
The little boy replies “Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!”
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…“how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, “To your house!”
Sorry bro for such a long wait, but waiting is good too :P ! As i have more and funnier jokes to share… <3
There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can’t stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn’t wearing any panties. He starts thinking and lets something slip out and blurts, “I’d like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!” Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. “Honey, this shoe salesman said he’d like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out! Now go kick his ass!” The husband replies “Sweetheart, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain’t fuckin’ with!”