When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.
He casually asked,“Grandma whats that?” She quickly replied, “That’s my beaver”. Little Johnny didn’t say another word.
Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,“Mommy whats that?” She replied, “Well Johnny that’s my beaver.”
Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,“Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!”
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, “I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours.”
The second friend says, “That’s nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that.”
The third friend says, " That’s nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
A SKINNY LITTLE GUY GOES INTO AN ELEVATOR, LOOKS UP AND SEES THIS HUGE GUY STANDING NEXT TO HIM.
The big guy sees the little guy starin’ at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What’s wrong with ya?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did ya say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give ya the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
THE SMALL GUY SAYS, “TURNER BROWN?! SWEET JESUS, I THOUGHT YA SAID, ‘TURN AROUND!"
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
Little Johnny sees his father’s car passing the playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane “hugging” in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
“I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy…”
At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Johnny’s mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and…
“…then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army.”
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly:
Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful
Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms : - Because life’s complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ….
ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear condoms : “For a longer ride go wide”
A guy walks into a bar and says “Barkeep. I need 5 shots of the hardest stuff you have. And hurry!”
A puzzled bartender pours 5 shots of 100 proof whiskey and says “That’s a lot. You must be celebrating something. What’s the occasion?”
The guy says “My first blowjob.”
The bartender, shocked, says “Well it took you long enough. I tell ya what. Next round is on me, whaddya say?”
The guy shakes his head and says “No need. if 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.
Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”
The Boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison and the bigger circle is After prison’”