Chronicles of a Lao Hero

Quote:

Originally Posted by

2centsworth

….. You lower your pants and stand there with an erect penis. Get the KTV girl to throw a ring from far. Then you can collect bets. Out of 5 rings, how many will get stuck on your erect cock. 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Got 6 possible outcomes.

LOL, good suggestion bro! Wish this forum got like Facebook “Like” button and not have to wait so long to “up” - just up another person not too long ago!

Anyway, for me only got one possible outcome - “zero”. My bladdy lan cheow so small that even Mickey Mouse can suan me and say I got small dick.

Once I commented that my fiance’s breast is so small that even doctor can mistake her boobs as mosquito bite when checking for dengue, she responded in a dead pan serious voice:" … and this comment coming out of the mouth from “Mr. Viagra”

Bro anson you must be my Long Lost Twins!

You and me share so many things in common!

Thanks for the points bro, will up back you when power come back.

SAPPORK, SAPPORK, SAPPORK!!

Wah say liao … kena suan until I chia lat!

As while ago, I was doing it with Olive - or rather

tryin

g to do it with her. But uncle’s mini me cannot stand as afternoon I steal eat.

Olive try this pattern, that pattern also cannot make my mini kukujiao erect.

Finally in exasperation, she made this hourse neighing sound … “neighhhhh … neighhhhh … neighhhhhhh …..” her bladdy mouth move like horse chewing grass as she made the “neighhhhing” sound.

and then Olive said coldly: “I thought you find horse a turn on?”

Quote:

Originally Posted by

ansonsohna

…….I was reading an old copy of 8 Days where they feature Ho Sun and they made a mention of a video call “China Wine”.

Curiousity got the better of me and I you-tube it.

.. and knn, while watching the video, I GOT A BONER! (seeing how many people say she got horse face, does it mean that I into bestiality?)

but this is not the end. I since I already got the boner and I want to polish it off i.e. wank. And I did so.

And when I was half way jerking, my fiancee, Olive (Yes, still the same gal whose tits as small as roti prata!) suddenly walked in.

She got a look of disgust and shocked.

“Quick thinking” me blurted that I am not masturbating but rather happen to scratch my cock. And I showed her the video to prove that there is nothing sexy about it ….. I even purposely mentioned that she got horse face!

Olive however does not buy my excuse, She warned me that I had better stop jerking off to paster’s wife, else lightning will strike me. And then berate me for my poor taste, before sarcastically commented: “At least you have royal taste. You same like Prince Charles. Both like you like girls who look like horse!”

Quote:

Originally Posted by

2centsworth

Your Olive really Boh Beh Zhao.

Why you never eat spinach and Popeye her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by

a6gorilla

LOL!!!!! Tio suan jip koot style hahah

Yes, my baby Olive got is a CB mouth champion! You know, sometimes we men like to say “shoved our dicks up a gals mouth to shut her up”? Well, I tried that once and Olive says: “Get the toothpick off my mouth or I’ll bite it off” and then she squeezed my balls! I nearly fainted!

I have a Viet Fuck Buddy, Ah Thao!

And since the day, I told her that women can squirt, she never believe me. So I try to get her to do so.

For those uninitiated, a women can squirt if you hit her G-spot. You basically crook you fingers upwards and then make “a come on over” gesture! You also press lightly over her pelvic bone.

Anyway, tried this pattern to many times but no success. But today, because rainy weather or she eat a lot of “or luak” (oyster omelette), as I applied the squirt manoeuvre Ah Thao suddenly started to squirm a lot.

I like a bladdy CB kia playfully peered at Ah Thao’s pussy and say, got squirt. Next thing I know, she suddenly let go and squirt (or maybe even urinate). My bladdy face kena sprayed with Ah Thao’s “joy juice”.

And being the Lao Hero, the bladdy juice must exactly hit my eyes. Let me tell you that women’s squirt juice stings.

very painful!

After washing my eyes many times and the sting subsides, Ah Thao and I have a little argument. I say its “squirt juice” and Ah Thao say its “pang jio” (urine).

….. And we will verify this the next time Ah Thao squirts!

Quote:

Originally Posted by

callmebad

just wonder what kind of squirt juice it is?

it shouldn’t sting, in fact it should taste a bit sweet

because squirt juice has some traces of sugar

women is capable of squirting, but not all women squirt

some produce a lot, like a fountain gushing,some produce a little that you don’t notice

you can’t force her to squirt

she must be in a state of relax

women who are more sexually experienced have higher chances of squirting than those less experienced young chicks

Mr, Bad (well, you did tell me to call you bad

) …. I don’t know whether it tasted sweet or not. And I am NOT drinking the squirt joy juice. Its like you trying to tell me that “pang jio” piss is like “kickapoo” (sweet, yellow and have some fizz especially upon discharge).

And as for stinging thing … guess anything that shoots at your face very pain. Even “Eye Mo” the eye drop. I am the sort of sissy bastard that cannot open eye properly when administering eye drop - must call mother or girl friend to force eye lid open in order drop the liquid in.

Yes, Ah Thao is indeed experienced lover - although she claims she never squirted before. So experienced is Ah Thao that when a dentist asks her to open wide, she automatically ka Kui Hui (open leg)

hmmm “Fountain gushing”? somehow it made me think water cooler .. but I still ain’t gonna taste the joy juice anytime soon - if I can help it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by

ansonsohna

……. I am the sort of sissy bastard that cannot open eye properly when administering eye drop - must call mother or girl friend to force eye lid open in order drop the liquid in.

And talking about sissy bastard “Gu niang” ways, let me categorically state that whenever I use public toilet to pang sai, I will line the bladdy toilet bowl seat with lots of toilet paper/tissue before I put my ass on it. Like as if my pan-tat is made of gold like that. … and this stupid behaviour had ever caused a toilet cistern to choke as too much paper is flushed down!

But the champion hero moment for this “gu niang” behavoir is when once I got not enough tissue paper, I used Olive’s sanitary pad as toilet bowl seat lining!

Told ya, I am Mr. Lao Hero!

Quote:

Originally Posted by

Lexus118

Bro anson you must be my Long Lost Twins!

You and me share so many things in common!

Bro Lexus, you mean to say that you are also:

1. Cheapskate.

True story which I posted in my earlier thread. I wanted to buy for Olive the stick on silicon bra - you know those bra cups that you paste directly on the neh neh so that the bra straps cannot be seen?

And I thought that since it has in-build stick on adhesive and Olive’s neh neh so small, I want to appear generous and buy two pieces. So I use a pen knife to cut the silicon bra into half!

2. Have a teensy weensy wiener.

My Kukujiao can be so tiny (especially after kena cold weather) that I ever kena suan that if penetrate a woman, she can still be considered virgin!

3. So butt fucking ugly

I got a face only a mother can love. I used to look marginally better than Wayne Rooney. Now that Mr. Shrek got a hair transplant, he have more hair than me. Its a hard fight between him and me on the “ugly” scale!

Thank goodness for Arjan Robban, at least I got more hair than him!!!

You know how ugly I can be?

Even my finacee tells me why she closes her eyes during sex as its sometimes “repulsive to you see your “fuck face”” (“Fuck Face” is the contorted face you make whilest fucking). And being self conscious, I try to not to contort my face during sex. I “tong” (control) myself during the shoik moments!

As a result of this, my acting skills is now on par with Robert “wear green hat” Pattison!

4

) Some “Gu Niang” behavior to couple with ridiculous “hero” idiotic solution

Quote:

Originally Posted by

a6gorilla

U are gu niang and proud of it sia! Haha!

You know what I nearly did after kena squirt juice on my face. I was afraid that the bacteria on the juice can give me pimples and make me even more ugly than I already am …. so I thought the best way is to wash my face with “Vagisil” (the soap which women use to wash their pussy) since it would have contain the necessary ingredients to wash away all pussy related bacteria.

Quote:

Originally Posted by

eeemen

Just wanted you to know that you have a very unique style of writing that resonates with a lot of us, especially me! Thanks for sharing your travels and tribulations, it makes interesting reading and provides a lighter side to the daily grind. Hoping for more bro, and your continuation of the impromptu HCMC trip!! cheers ……………..

Thanks for your sapork in my threads and so glad that you appreciate my stories.

Since I mention my Viet Fuck Buddy, Ah Thao, its a good time to tie in back to my story at HCM.

The events are a little hazy now as so much as happened thereafter. I shall give you an encapsulation to the story (so that you don’t have to re-read the back story):

1. Ah Thao (my based in Singapore Viet Fuck Buddy) introduced me to her Wet-nam friend, Ah Ho, as I was alone in Ho Chi Minh. Its my first time there - and totally spontaneous.

2. Ah Ho (who is dam aunty looking) has a sweet niece who looks like porn star Tia Tanaka. I shall call her Tia in my chronicles.

3. Tia recently had broken up with her boy friend is a looking for another.

4. Of course, in the first instance I am not considered as an option. I look older than Tia’s father and I am butt ugly.

5. Met Ah Ho and Tia and we decided to go to another place for lunch. Tia is with a motorcycle and I decide to be opportunistic and hug hug this sweet young thing as I pillion.

……..

Just a slight diversion:

You know the feeling of kena suan and the person who suan you laugh and laugh until jialat jialat - so much so that although you are annoyed with being the victim of the suan, you cannot help but also laugh?

Well, the moment just happened!!!!!

Olive was reading the Straits Times about the criteria of a Rhodes scholarship: “academic achievement, integrity of character, a spirit of unselfishness, respect of others, potential for leadership and physical vigour”.

When my small neh neh tart of a girl friend was reading out loud about the criteria, she suddenly got hysterical about the “Physical vigour” part and started pointed her finger at me as she laughed like a mad bitch: “physical vigour” …. bawahahahahaha bawahhhhh haa … she laughed until she tears rolled down her eyes and became breathless.

and in between her hysterical laugh, I heard her say" “wah, even if “crapology” (the art of talking shit aka “lan cheow wei”) is an academic discipline, my lao gong still cannot get the Rhodes scholarship because of “physical vigour” …. make love two or three times pum pum - and then pumchet!!!!! "

Although the bladdy joke is on me - Olive’s ROFL hysterical laughter made me join in and chio ka peng (laugh until faint) too!