Quote:
Originally Posted by
hickeybites
TS: both FarAway & hardcoremayhem may be right about J’s thoughts & emotions; but as a woman I agree more with FarAway. It’s hard to believe that someone who cared for you chose an abrupt ending out of willfulness or because she wishes to punish you. I understand your NTUC analogy - that perhaps J’s chosen abrupt ending was not the best way for you… but it may have actually been
the best one for your wife
- the other very crucial party here. And as the adage goes: 长痛不如短痛 ~ in retrospect, there’s never one “best” ending that suits all involved for anything in life right?
Personally I think J was/is very mature & as you’ve always stated throughout your entire thread, both of you knew what a big betrayal the affair was. At her young age, to try to close her heart & do her part to stop her affair from spiraling further for
both TS & his wife’s sake
-
that is strength & love.
The aftermath is never easy & smooth-sailing ~ and I agree with FarAway, be thankful that the pains were internalized between you and J only. We may never know – but perhaps the abrupt ending prevented more spillage & damage overall.
Hey hickeybites, your views are much more than 2c to me. i would like to hear from a woman’s point of view very much. afterall, no matter how much a man knows about women, it will never have a complete understanding of how their minds work.
i do agree that there is no one best way to end a matter especially an underground relp like this. prolly its so different from other relp that a ’normal’ way of ending relp does not apply here. I tend to lean a little over to Faraway and your views, although the thought of her doing all these to spite me surfaced after it was brought up. i really dont know if i will ever find out the definite truth.. unless one day J and I can sit down to have a talk about it. i doubt that will happen anyway.
im not saying she hasnt sacrificed anything, but I really cant imagine if she did that to spite me after all that i have done for her. i will try not to dwell on this negativity for now since its just a hypothetical situation we are talking here.
thanks again for airing your views..
the ever grateful,
SL
Hey Gottosam and multiverse,
thanks.. i will try not to dwell on the nagative aspect of it for now and take it that she made the decision bcos she is very worried she could change her mind or procrastinate again.
cheers
sl
thanks guys.. i know there is no through road and i have to move on.. i will..
anyway, i was mind fucked during the dinner.. will give details soon..
appreciate all your encouragements and thoughts..
good nite.
cheers
sl
I felt mind fucked during Sat’s dinner.
The setting was already slightly ‘over’ in my opinion. My wife and I had to arrive earlier to welcome the ‘guest’. When I saw the dinner spread, I was shocked as it was as if it’s a Chinese reunion dinner. Wtf.. i was never given such treatment even when I was a prospective son inlaw. For once, I felt i was just a supporting cast. or an extra if u may call it..
The ‘guest’ finally came with J slightly passed 7pm. He was introduced as M. Claimed there was a traffic jam. I would say he is average looking. Probably slightly less than 1.8m (im 1.72m) and rather well built. He is young (27 yrs old) and speaks very well too but slight air of cockiness (or was I thinking too much?). Yes, I was examining him alright.
We proceeded straight to dinner. There were small talks here and there between all of them except me. I tried to be normal but somehow couldn’t contribute much to the conversation. J suggested drinking wine. My wife seldom drinks and she declined. my MIL is a teetotaler.
Somehow all her actions from there on remain a puzzle in my mind.
After I opened the bottle of wine, J took it over to serve the 3 of us. Now, I would expect the guest to be served first but surprisingly, she served me first, then M and herself. I was sitting diagonally opposite her. M was beside her. I brushed it off at first. For subsequent refills, it was the same. Is she pouring for me first bcos im more important to her? Or am I considered an ‘outsider’ now since M is with her? Am I reading too much into it?
J was rather chatty at the dinner but I can understand. Afterall, its part of being a good host. But she was displaying a side of her that I had last seen when we were together. She throws her head back when she laughs; she was crossing her arms on the table and caressing her elbows frequently. M made a few supposedly ‘funny’ statements and she laughed louder than all of us. I contributed what I could with a forceful weak smile (that was really my best).
My wife was making weird suggestions (M was not even introduced to me as J’s bf but only a friend!) like playing majong together and going out.. Then one statement made me almost choke on my rice again.
Wife: hey, we can even go on a cruise again!
Memories came back fast and furious.. I will never want to go on a cruise with J again.
I was hitting the wine harder just to numb myself a little and it worked, as usual (who am I kidding?) Somehow, I can see M is really trying very hard with J, especially from where I was seeing him across the table. He was scooping dishes furthest away from J and giving it to her. He laughed at all her jokes; whether funny or not. When she stood up at one stage, he even pulled out her chair for her. Ok that was gentlemanly but at home even? I thought it’s a little OVER. Any comments? Ladies? Guys?
Dinner was soon over. J declared that the ladies go wash the dishes and said:
“You all men go watch tv and chit chat lah.”
I was already all sensitive at this stage. Why is she pushing M to me for chit chat? Why must she generalize us as ‘men’ as if to group us together so that we can click? There was never a case of 3 ladies washing dishes together. At best 2. So she considers M as part of the family now? Or did she want me to check out her new found love or ‘friend’? Or perhaps wants me to ‘screen’ him?
I did what I had to do. Small talks about sports, cars.. stupid himbo talks at first. Then he offered his unsolicited views on the current economic situ. As if I asked for his opinion.. *&^%$
Soon it was as if he was checking out on me. He asked me abt my educational background (which uni/jc and sec.) I told him I was the rebellious type that gave up on JC just to go poly bcos of the freedom. It turned out he was from a very famous all boys sec and jc. Now that perfectly explain the air of cockiness I felt about him in the beginning! Knn.. so fucking typical of boys from that sch behaving like that!
I was from another arch rival all boys sec sch. Now, many of u may not be able to identify with this.. but guys from these schools remain bloody loyal to their alma mater years after graduation. And both schs produce such ppl. No diff between M and me. There was somehow a very slight tensed and ‘buay song’ mood between us by then. Ok, many will think its childish but I really cannot explain such feelings and affiliations for our respective alma maters. Maybe it will take another boys sch guy to understand this rivalry (any out there reading this who can identify where u from? And tell the others it’s the case all the time) Perhaps some convent girls can relate to this as well.
The ladies were done with their dishes and served the fruits. I decided I had enough talks with Mr. M. J was seated beside him by then. I tried my best not to look at them but it was impossible. I was stealing glances at them almost every few seconds.
M was then engaging in very soft one to one conversation with J, so soft that it was clear he doesn’t want us to hear what the fuck he was talking about. J just listened and smiled slightly all the time. But I also caught her looking into my direction several times. Was she conscious of my presence? Was it a case of wanting to see that I was at ease about her with a ‘friend’? or was she actually trying to ‘spite’ me? (I had thought about this again although it was quite minimal.) was she trying to see if im jealous? Does she really like this guy and trying to get my nod and approval?
My mind was fucked. Big time.. into every possible hole a dick can enter. I left the hall on the pretext that I had to renew my fucking coupon, I mean parking coupon. I was pissed and angry.. too distraught to look at their whispering of sweet nothings. Although it was rather one way (only M doing that to J), I already had enough for the night.
I came back after a long time (almost went away for 15mins I guess) and tried to look straight at the tv without looking in their direction. The next 1 hour was like eternity. When it finally ended, I was so relieved to go home to give the well fucked mind a rest. It can only take in so much within such a short period of time.
I know girls are excellent at reading body languages (and verbal ones as well). Ladies, can u read this and can u understand what are all these? I can only think of 3 ladies who is kind enough to drop me a note here (hickeybites, bellatan and multiverse). Any comments?
Guys, what do u think? Not that I don’t care about your comments but I think you are most likely reading it in the way similar to mine.
A mind fucked man,
SL
Quote:
Originally Posted by
hickeybites
Dear seowlang,
Firstly it’s good that you just rant out before you really go “seow” from your own mind-fucking (do note my usage of the word “own” - I’ll get to it more later). Not sure if whatever I post will be of any comfort to u; but just to say hang in there & don’t be too hard on yourself… For the record, I empathize with you & I’m not siding anyone - not J, not M…
Unless I’m a fly on the wall or you’re going to show a video of the dinner, I seriously doubt I can read & decipher all the meanings behind all that you’ve related. What I do feel is this:
- You were already tensed & sensitive & slightly on the offensive before the dinner
- What transpired during the dinner is coloured by your backlog of emotions
- The order in which J served the wine is of
no
consequence. To me it’s out of politeness cos you are the eldest/ most senior. You should only worry if J did not serve anyone & was just busy guzzling the bottle of wine herself!
- Your wife is just innocently trying to make M feel welcome, just like any gal would for her sister’s new beau/friend (whatever).
- I’m not a convent gal
but I totally understand what you mean about affiliations to alma maters - once I almost socked an asshole for being super obnoxious & proclaiming a very false rumour about my alma mater/ECA! BUT take it with a light heart – it’s
not
a competition between you vs M. And I think I can guess which schools M went to
- Personally my take is that J is conscious of your presence and not that she’s trying to make you jealous. Maybe she was also stealing glances at your wife, but you didn’t catch those…
Bro, I feel that you are mind-fucking yourself. I myself have been sure that I was being mind-fucked by others before ~ but the truth of the matter is that I myself gave Jedi-powers to such people when honestly they weren’t doing anything to me. I agree with Sentimental2 wholeheartedly ~ you need to let go. Take this thread as a long overdue start of truly letting go. Rant as much as you want (don’t drink too much tho’) but ultimately stay on track & do not go to the dark side!
I believe that logically & objectively
you know
that things are probably not as drama or sensitive as you’ve painted the whole dinner to be; and every actions or words don’t hold the loaded meanings which you’ve perceived. BUT you are a sentimental guy… and c’mon when we are emo, logic just get thrown out the window. Now that the dinner has passed, just breathe in deep & not allow all the emo-lomo colour your perceptions further. Just accept… and let time heal. One thing I want to add that I think is important.
In time, I pray that you’ll come to forgive yourself and J as well
. You need to forgive yourself… with that you’ll be able to put down this burden & move forward. Start with acceptance.. ok?
As said, you’ve come some way since… give your blessings to J & let her live her own life, make her own mistakes, find her own love. My advice is not to be involved & not screen whether M is the right guy or not - you shouldn’t & can’t do that any more. Let go, accept, forgive, move on… don’t just try, but do so.
In the words of Yoda - “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try”
Today is a nice start to a week - cool & nice. No more self-mind-fucking ok? *
giving you a figurative shake shake
*. Take care!
Sister, thanks for your very detailed feel about the whole dinner.
I know its the devil inside me that is brain fucking myself. its just so hard to shake it off. seems like most of the things that happened was bcos i was too sensitive (such as me already being sensitive about how M was treated like a royalty before he came and why the wine was poured for me first etc.)
im really trying to let go and not have any prejudice against M. Just that it didnt help that he was from that sch. i guess it wasnt hard for u to guess which sch when i said it earlier.
i know i over reacted and was just a little emo. however, i was thinking to myself on the way home just now.. imagine J had to see me and my wife all these times. she suffered alot too. mine is only 1 single encounter and i already behaved like a madman. im guess its karma now.
im trying to forgive myself more than J cos the prob still lies with me.
it was a cool day indeed.. raining most of the time.. and your figurative shake shake did bring a smile to my face =)
thanks for the your kind words and your effort to give your thoughts.. the world can do more with ppl like u.
cheers
sl
Quote:
Originally Posted by
MarsIswar
If you feel M is not someone worth for j and you might like to play the role of a BIL try the soft approach hint and sound your wife about how u feel abt M let her do the job rather than you talking to J or like she will hear from u … Last but no least bro stay strong on your path may it be what you choose …
命里有时终须有命里无时莫强求
Will be a pm away if u need a lending ear…
Bro, actually i dont think i have any rights to say anything really. i thought about this too.. but at the end of the day, who am i to comment and judge? agree?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
fifufifu
If you still don’t let go, things might get worst. Think about it. I believed you are mature enough to make the right decisions. You should stop this thread as first move. Or you will keep pondering……and things might end up in a mess…
thanks bro. i know i need to let go. am trying to. i wouldnt say to stop this thread, although i dont have much to say anymore as i have already given up to date about the whole incident. cheers
Quote:
Originally Posted by
1nottiboy
(Took me about 4 years before I realised that I was no longer in pain.)
took you 4 years! omg. thats a bloody long time. glad u r ok now. i certainly cant take that long. my pseudonym will really represent my mental state by then.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
jj583
Y r u still at such a state? have u forgotten the reason y u started this tread? Tot u have already oved on … in your previous posting, u mention that you are on the road to recovery and 70% heal. (correct me if i am wrong)
bro, of cos i havent forgotten why i started this thread. i thought im magnanimous enough to accept J having a bf. but guess im not totally able to. i thought i was doing ok too, but apparently i overestimated myself. dont worry, i will be fine. tks
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sean69
bro…
seriously, u need to move on… from wat i read, it seems that you still have feelings for your SIL and is jealous of M..
question is, are you willing to divorce your wife and go after J ? problem is even if you get a divorce, the possiblity remains that J will not stick with u as I dun think she wants be the cause of the failure of your marriage and her family will prob not speak to her again.
think carefully of wat you want.. once you made up your mind and aware of the consequences.. just do it!!..
thanks bro. i know i have to move on. on the way to recovery.. just that the meeting of M wasnt timely.. but then again, when is a good time??
i know the problem is me. trying hard.. cheers
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sennheiser
bro, tremendous respect to you. I can’t imagine being in your situation. I get mildly jealous when my gf’s classmate sits too close to her. I’ll be staring daggers at him!
Can’t offer much advise to you as much has been said by everyone else. My take: count your blessings from time to time. You will realise that you have much to be grateful for and much more to live for.
To be jealous is human Bro.
Cheers!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rain-Men
Bro SL, have read all the threads posted so far and all I can say you really love her very much…so much so that when the love turns hate…it’s pretty scary..like what’s happening down. So much love will give u so much hate..and vice versa…Newton’s law of motion. :-)
There’s no better medicine than time and only time can dilute the emotions. Take your time to do it…think about other things when u guys are having dinner…focus your mind on other interests….if u still mindful..perhaps “siam” 25% to 50% of dinners each month. Hope that helps…come on suck it in bro…time to let go…
Bro, u read wrongly. I don’t hate J at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
MugenX
Bro TS, after reading the stories by other TS and I must say that your stories really is thru soul and heart unlike some other bro TS. But since mistake have already been make, just take it as a painful lesson and life still goes on. The world still rotating and time still past. But if time can really go back, I only hope that you won’t choose the route you once taken and think of the consequences first before any commitment is being make so as to reduce the damage to it minimum. In any point of time whereby you really need an audience, you can pm me and I will be glad to be your listener.
thanks bro.
very often in life, we always think about going back in time, sometimes to reminisce, other times to correct a mistake. in my case it is both. if i could go back in time, i wouldnt want to walk this path to avoid the pain and sufferings we have caused to ourselves.