- “just because you didn’t get caught is cowardly”
- “You on the other hand ignored the fact you lied”
- “later even decide to push more blame towards the wife for wanting a divorce.”
So… where shall I begin??
If I may summarize the last 6-7 years up, there were several key events and major turning points. I will attempt not to be too long winded, break up key events into several parts and hopefully still make some sense to you all.
I am humbled that what started almost 8 years ago as a skeleton in my closet brought along quite a few readers. I would also like to apologize if I do not answer some of the questions you readers may ask. Most of the time, the only reason is to prevent any remote possibility that somehow, someone might be able to lead anyone to J and her family. Stay tuned for part 1…
Part 1: the 1st family talk
Starts with J and mother in law (mil) knowing that we are going through a divorce and ex-wife (ew) acknowledged that there is another ‘better’ man in her life. There was a family conversation between the 3 of them: EW, J and MIL. This was related to me mainly by J (once at that point of time and some points I only know much later) and my mil. I put two and two together to piece snippets of what I thought would be the conversation here.
Mil: If you treat us as a family, I think you have to be totally honest here with J and me. What could be so wrong that there is zero chance of reconciliation?
ew: In your eyes, is he a good husband? I agree he provides for the family very well financially. I never had to contribute much for the house. But besides money, he hardly carries out the duties of what husbands should. Be it when it comes to spending quality time, giving me a listening ear, supporting my emotional needs etc. I do not just need a man in my life; what I am looking for is a partner, one that is with me not just physically, but emotionally supportive as well. When I had problems with work, he always interjects as if his work problems are always more serious than mine. Whenever I talk about my friends, he shows little interest, let alone join us for our majong games/ gatherings. He only cares about integrating me into his circle of friends. Aren’t these proofs of selfishness, self-centredness and most importantly, an increasingly chauvinistic character? He wasn’t like that when I first met him. He has changed into a person I no longer know. Very cold. At times, I feel like we are 2 strangers living together. Don’t you all feel it at all when we meet up?
Mil: I do feel that SL has been much quieter and less chatty in recent times. But I take it that he is very stressed up at work. I can always hear him talking on the phone about work to colleagues or clients when he is here. He is so dedicated to his work and always travelling recently. I guess maybe that has affected your relationship? I have never heard you mention problems you all had. Why are you only telling us now that it has reached such a state?! No problem is too big to solve if you are willing to give him a chance right?
ew: ma, i am old enough already. The marriage is between me and him. The truth is, I have been giving to him big hints that things are going south. But he doesn’t care at all. The last 1-2 years, every time I go out on my off days, he hardly even asked whom im going out with. I only need to tell him with friends or colleagues. He wont even ask where im going. Really?? Is that how one will behave if a man truly loves his wife? His actions speak for itself. To me, I feel we are only married in name.
Mil: last time during dating, I remember you told him off for ‘controlling’ you. He wants to follow you out, you tell him ‘girls’ night’. Sometimes when he asked certain things, you will say things like ‘you men won’t understand’ or ‘long story to start from the beginning’. Do you realised you do brush not only him, but towards J and me as well?
Ew: At times I do that but when someone bothers to ask again, I will tell. If a person is keen to know, he/she wouldn’t stop at one attempt.
The conversation was largely between my mil and ew. Until ew kept asking why J was almost radio silence and only looked down without any eye contact with the rest. Took a bit of coaxing before J attempted to speak.
J: Sis… I am not in a position to comment at all.. Just feeling… very sad that it has turned out like that. You always tell me that you know what you are doing. And I have always believed in you. You are older than me and definitely richer than me in terms of experience in life, wisdom and maturity. Our family has been through hard times with pa leaving us as the lowest point in our lives. I always thought the worst is over and things are looking much brighter and happier for our family. But I never expected this to happen… Seeing you in this state of marriage just makes me… very, very upset… (her voice was trailing off…)
EW: Don’t worry, you know I am a strong person.
J: Frankly, the happiest memories that I have of our family wasn’t our childhood. Pa was working all the time and we hardly spend time together. After he was gone, ma spent even more time working and hardly had time for us. We were a family but led separate lives. It was only when you started holding a full-time job that we were more comfortable financially. But more importantly, do you remember what you told ma and me when you first got together with him? You said this is the guy that is different because he is family oriented. We agreed because he was the only that tried to integrate and treated us as family members too. He joins us for dinners, bothers to remember our birthdays to bring us out for minor celebrations instead of just doing it at home as we always do, always available to help out the little nitty gritty stuff at home and festivities etc. and most of all, he brought laughter and joy to the family. I have never seen a man that is able to bring that much happiness to you and our family. Don’t you agree? He wasn’t only your boyfriend and subsequent husband, he was a part of us. He was family. (her voice cracking…)
Ew: Stop being so emo and start to make ma cry too as well can? I am ok.
J: It not that I do not hear the changes of him in recent years but ma and I can’t judge. You are the best to answer this yourself. From me, the most important questions I guess are:
Are his mistakes/faults bigger than the person that he is? There is no way of turning back? Have you tried talking to him and giving him a chance? You sure about leaving him for another man?
Ew: I have thought very carefully, and I have also given him enough chances. And more accurately, I am NOT leaving him for another man. The cracks were there for at least 2 years. Like I have said, he is a changed man. Your opinion of him cannot only be based on how much you know of him in the past. We haven’t spoken that much to each other in the last 6 months because every time we talk, we always end up quarrelling. I am very tired, really tired.. I arrange this session today to tell you all my plans, not because I am unsure and seeking your advice. I have already made up my mind to move on….
Part 2 – Career progression and losing touch with the family
Soon after the family talk, the divorce was filed. J filled me up on that conversation over phone and whatsapp but declined my request several times to meet up. I also spoke to my mil over the phone a few times. My relationship with my mil was still quite cordial, and I was glad she didn’t take sides for the relationship to turn sour. I moved out of the flat even before the papers were signed. With that, contacts with the family were naturally weaned off.
My ex-wife is one tough cookie though. She didn’t shed a single tear throughout. Towards the end, there were little talks and I found no reason for me to put in effort to try and reconcile. There was more anger than other emotions inside me. Of course, from a reader’s point of view here, I believe everyone will agree I have no case to be angry with because of the wrongs that I have committed first. But call it pride, chauvinistic or whatever you want.. but I do not see her reasons for breaking up as valid. Again, if I am caught red handed, I will take the blame, the shame and also the guilt towards J. But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t given enough chances although I agree I saw the cracks and warning signs in the marriage. Deep down, there was a strong resentment; that a common problem amongst couple could so easily be used as the reason for irreconcilable difference between a married couple under the eye of the law. I was a bitter man, unable to swallow that pill.
Rented an apartment and stayed on my own. At the same time, I started a new senior role in a company with tremendous opportunities. The portfolio was huge and involves managing several countries. I put my heart and soul into my work and gave little time for anything else. As the new job requires lots of travelling in the region, I was all over the place. I would very often choose to end the week to come back on Saturday morning flights and fly off on Sunday afternoons for a new work week. I was travelling more than 50% of the time, not that the job requires that much travelling but more of my choice. Somehow, I know it was also a form of escapism; a distraction from my screwed up personal life.
The good thing was, I could find satisfaction in diving myself into work and thankfully, achieved very positive results and got promoted. Job satisfaction aside, I didn’t get into any relationship for 2 over years. There were a couple of near flings and quite a few arranged dates; but nothing moved beyond a 3rd meeting. One thing I am pretty sure is that I do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life. Somehow, I believe not having a woman in my life after my divorce was more because I haven’t met the right one yet. I reckoned I have moved on in life and believe that someday I will be able to meet that special someone to give myself another shot at love…
Or so I thought…
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Ntspannar
You really are something. You fucked her sister and feel that it’s a bitter thing when small couple problems are used as reasons to divorce?!!
You didn’t get caught so that can’t be used. Your wife was definitely not wrong about you. Not trying to be some keyboard warrior but if I was your wife brother or father I would castrate u, not ask her to divorce u. Divorce would be the least of your problems. All the other readers won’t say it as theynjust wanna read the sex parts but with this mindset you definitely deserve to be a eunuch. No remorse and only blaming the wife…seems like you’re not better than the worst of her…
I almost treated you like someone that is trolling but nonetheless, decided it warrants a reply. Not saying this just because of the words you used on me but…
Quite a few points you made that confirm you didn’t read the entire story before commenting. I admit I am no angel but 2 wrongs do not make a right; ie. first wrong committed by me and second wrong I feel my wife has a major part to play. No need for me to go into details and it is never fair to hear only from me.. but there wont be a chance for my ex-wife to represent herself here so, nothing much to debate about.
Strange you said the readers are here to read about sex bcos if readers were to testify, I believe this thread has one of the least sex among all the threads in sbf, no? That was also part of the reason I asked if anyone wants me to continue bcos i think it belongs more to ‘matters of the heart’.
Last but not least, whether I deserve to be a eunuch or not, I leave it to my creator. He can do as he pleases and I am not worthy to comment
thanks juzz, sexcision, SerflySGR, maddog_mlvn
This topic will always have its fair share of supporters and detractors
I truly understand
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Ntspannar
So the guys who rape kids are ok right?
Give a better example pls. Dont give a bad example to make your argument appears more legit.
Also, your example shows that you are not clear on what morally wrong and/or what legally wrong is.
what is morally wrong may not be legally wrong (eg. married men having consensual or paid sex outside of marriage). what is legally wrong is most likely morally wrong too, but it still depends on the country’s law (eg. polygamy is allowed in Muslim countries but not singapore).
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Ntspannar
But to justify your entitled self on how and why your wife gave poor reasons for divorce…just because you didn’t get caught is cowardly. Man up. She made her errors and so did you. No need to make it look better or package it with you did not get caught. At least she said she didnt love you anymore. That’s pretty truthful. You on the other hand ignored the fact you lied (which is fine by most here as ppl here like to claim we are in sex forum so lying is ok, had an affair with her sister which is something most ppl like to read too so they say is fine but they get upset when they wear green hat…go figure) and then later even decide to push more blame towards the wife for wanting a divorce.
It terms of moral values, I fully agree my betrayal of my ex-wife is a sin of the highest level. Period.
But I would like to take up 3 main points you made.
Just because I didn’t get caught doesn’t make me cowardly. I was a lucky bastard.
I didn’t ignore the fact that I lied. I mentioned earlier that 2 wrongs do not make a right. How is that ignoring my wrong doing?
Even in the eye of the law, we have to base everything on a case by case basis. First case being my affair (in your words, I lied) and that is without a doubt my fault. Assuming I am caught, henceforth, are we going to give the same judgement for every other subsequent cases based on this first case? Or should we just draw evidence and facts relevant and available (key word) to the 2nd case and discuss within that context?
Of course your answer is the former. Using this argument, my wife can have no chance of outdoing me as I do not have a brother and the only chance to ‘outdo’ my sin is to sleep with my elderly father. So for the rest of our lives, had we been together, any mistake lesser than that would be my fault since I am the one that committed the 1st wrong and there isn’t another mistake more grave than mine?
Not sure where you got this from but I didn’t push more blame towards her. I felt I was not given a chance to work out the differences we had. Thus I was bitter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sexcision
Bro SL, I rather u not wast your time debating with this white night. There’s no right or wrong is this world. What seem right might be wrong to others.
As such, I would rather you spend the time to update your story instead.
You do know that many others are waiting patiently for your update? 😊
i hear u bro
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ben2011
Hi SL, can’t hep to comment here, a really touching story…. Hope at the end of the day, everyone have a happy ending, including ur ex-wife
Your story let me remind of my affair some way more than 10 years ago, which led to my divorce too.
Cant help getting emotional after read your story from page 1 to end, suddenly thinking of both of them, my ex-w and her…. Once a while all those memories will come back to my mind…
Hope you are doing Okay now.
I always listened to this when I’m emotional.
I am sorry for what happened. I understand the pain of going thru a divorce. unfortunately, you went thru more pain of losing both women
Quote:
Originally Posted by
andythai
Bro Seowlang, did I catch your hints correctly that you did not lost two women but lost your wife. Hope you are a lucky and blissful man now.
Hi Andythai,
You are one of those I remember years back. Allow me not to jump the gun and write out in chronological order asap. Thanks for listening