AUCTION
Wife: " I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.
The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband: " How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: " Those they gave away."
Husband: " I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars,
and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife: " And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband: " That’s where they held the auction."
.
Penis Wants SALARY Raise™
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I work headfirst
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don`t get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don`t always observe OH&S measures,
such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don`t wait till pension age before retiring
* You don`t like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day`s work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying
2 suspicious looking bags.
.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t show up.” “Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
“What do you do for a living?““I’m a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight..
“Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend,
“Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”
.
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window.““Wow, I can see my … wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!!
Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her….. He’s naked, too!!!”
He turned to the hit man,
“How much do you charge for a hit?” “I’ll do a flat rate, for you, $1,000 every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy,
so shoot her in the mouth.” “Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine,
so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly,
“I think I can save you a grand here…”
Seniors: AIDS WARNING!
To all of you approaching 50 or who have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you…
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
FINANCIAL AID TO THEIR CHILDREN!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing
)
.
BEE INSIDE VIRGINA
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my Pussy!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and
explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
“Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could
use whatever method to get the bee out of
his wife’s vagina.
The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey
over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina.
When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis
I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully
follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,
inserted it into the young lady’s vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said,
“I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet.
Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.”
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement.
She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard,
looked like he was enjoying himself,
he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this
point
suddenly became very annoyed and shouted,
“Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied,
“Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
****************************************
Cat at School
The teacher asked Jimmy,
“Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?”
Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,
I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'”
*********************************
Hotel Pick-up
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk,
he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says,
“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.
" She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I’m in room 1221.”
****************************************
WAR TIME PRISONER
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked
if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two,
a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans;
I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak,
and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time,
and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands
if the Germans had found you hiding her;
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy,
will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,”
said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.
Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It’s a life sentence!
Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce?
A: Ten grand!
Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife?
A: Let him keep her!
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!
Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper?
A: After the divorce she keeps the house!
Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife?
A: Get better aim!
Q: Why do most men hate getting married by a Judge?
A: Because they should have asked for a jury!
Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!
Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Ken’s stuff!
Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences?
A: He thought he was God and she didn’t!
Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus>
A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!
Q: What are the two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman?
A: Before marriage and after marriage!
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again!
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced
################################################## ###########
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man
your wife would have preferred.
Custody Case
A man and his young wife were in divorce court,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children,
so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied,
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out,
does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
************************************************** *****
Twenty Years Ago A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?”
she asked.
“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?”
he asked.
“Yes, I do,” she replied. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?’”
“Yes, I do,” she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
“You know…I would have gotten out today.”