My friend told me this…………..
I took the missus to a disco on the weekend.
There was this guy on the dance-floor gyrating,
back-flipping, break-dancing, moon-walking and doing back-flips, the works.
My wife said to me, ‘See that guy on the dance floor,
well, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down’.
I said, ‘Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating’
.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,
“Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”.
The woman says,
“Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
-———————————————————-
Two lady golfers were teeing off on the 7th hole
when the second player’s shot went so wide it hit a man on the 8th tee.
He clasped his hands to his crotch in agony as he fell to the ground.
“Oh I’m so very sorry,” said the woman as she ran over to help him.
“Is there anything I can do?
I’m a masseuse so I might be able to ease the pain.”
With that, she ordered the man to lay out on the ground,
put his hands by his side,
undid his trousers and started to massage his manhood.
“There, is that helping?” she asked looking very concerned.
“That’s great,” he replied, “but my finger is still throbbing.”
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DIVORCE VS MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said,“I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied,
“I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license!
They’ll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
“Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog
with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever,
so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house,
gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur,
and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house,
hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies,
“We just found him dead in his cage one day,
but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up,
gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There must be some real sick people out there!”
-—————————————————
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top…
The mouth said, ‘‘I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn’t be able to eat.
’’ Then the stomach said, ‘‘Ya but if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to digest
and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body,
I should be on top.’’ Then the heart said,
‘‘I should be on top because I’m the one who takes the blood from point A to point B.
Without me, the body would die.
’’ Then the brain said, ’’ Well, without me, you wouldn’t be able to move,
eat, digest or allow circulation of blood,
so I should be on top.’’
Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed,
‘‘You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate
and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.’’
It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting.
Finally, the asshole got fed up,
‘‘That’s it, I’m fed up, I’m shutting up my hole.’’
So for a few days, the body couldn’t shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting,
the mouth eating and the blood flow going,
everyone was begging the asshole to open up,
The brain said, ‘‘Please open up, you made your point,
your on top, just open up.’’
The asshole smiled, ‘‘So everyone agrees that I’m on top?’’
‘‘YES’’ everyone shouted. ‘‘OK!’
’ so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again.
The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top…
.
A guy sits down in a Cafe’ and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says,
“The guy next to you got the last bowl.”
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, “Are you going to eat that?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself.”
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse in it,
and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system
as usual and to greet the passengers.
He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time,
and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good
flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone,
he says to his co-pilot,
“What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.”
All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell
the pilot of his slip-up,
one of the passengers stops her and says
“Don’t forget the coffee!”
…………………………………………..
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms,
and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.
The guy says “no, let me see the next room.”
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses.
Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, “I pick this room.
" Satan says okay and starts to leave,
and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells,
“O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
………………………………………….. ………………………..
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says,
“This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300,
as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy replies, “Hey, why not?”
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, a
note one at a timeand lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar,
and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
………………………………………….. ……………..
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons,
“Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth.
the Gator closes mouth. After a minute,
the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says,
“but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,”
he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.”
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
“I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say.
“You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
…………………………..
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas
are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes.
The chief says to them, “You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga.”
The first guy says, “Well, I guess ugga bugga.”
The chief shouts “UGGA BUGGA!” and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.
The chief then asks the second minister,
“Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga.”
He says “well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga,
so I suppose it must be death.”
The chief says, “Very well,”
and shouts “DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!”
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SPERM COUNT
A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down,
tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins,
a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore,
and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it.
When the guy came back to the doctor,
the doctor said “Why, this jar is empty,
I told you I needed to do a sperm count.”
The guy said, “I tried with my left hand, I
tried with my right hand,
my wife tried with her left hand & she also tried with her right hand,
she even tried with her teeth…….
We could not get this bloody jar open!”
.
XXL
Jane and Arlene (two old ladies) are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed,
looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a CAMEL.”
The pharmacist fainted !
………………………………………….. ………………..
DON’T EAT CHICKEN !
Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what…..
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades,
until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken,
don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said,
“That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look,
so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already grown the chicken neck and the gizzards!!!
.
.
Pregnant Daughter™
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed
in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father,
mother, and the girl and tells them,
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari,
2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa,
and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father,
who had remained silent holding a shot gun,
places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him.
“You gonna try again…”