I was happy.
My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend. She was a dream.
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend, Ivy.
She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me,
which made me uncomfortable.
One day her friend Ivy…led me up.
She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list.
So I went. She was alone.
When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
So before I married and committed my life to her friend,
she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn’t say a word.
Then she said, I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it,
just come up and join me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it,
and stepped out of the house.
My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes.
She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test.
I couldn’t have asked for a better man as a husband.
Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.
.
How men change
The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn’t love you, then why did I marry you?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I’m home!
After 6 months: I’m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it’s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I’m going to watch MU play, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I’m suffocating here!!!!
.
Three Wishes…
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door,
when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”.
So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square,
what’s your first wish?”.
The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”,
goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.”
“OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”.
The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it.
But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.”
“OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?”
“I’m 27”, she replies
“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”
.
Life or death..
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.
As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding – but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”
………………………………………….. ………………………………….
A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into
heaven first?
A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.
The nun asks, Why do you say that?
The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!
The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?
Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.
The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?
The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands
together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven
first!
The nun says, OK, anyone else?
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?
Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Because I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night, and my mom was in there,
and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air,
and she was yelling
‘Oh God, I’m coming. Oh God, I’m coming!’
and if my Dad hadn’t been holding her down,
I think she would have gone!
………………………………………….. ………………….
Good Excuse..
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks,
“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Terrorism
What do you call one terrorist on the moon?
Ans: problem
10 Terrorists on the moon?
Ans: Also problem
100 Terrorist on the moon?
Ans: large problem
1000 Terrorist on the moon?
Ans: big big problem
1000000 Terrorist on the moon?
Ans: massive problem
All the Terrorist on the moon?
Answer:
Problem solved!
.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry:
‘9.’
Principal:
‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry:
‘36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands .’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry:
‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
.
TEXING FOR THE ELDERLY
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
GET AHEAD
A girl friend told me that a great way to get ahead in business
is to sleep with your boss.
But when my boss found me sprawled across his desk
in nothing but my finest silk g-string
and new nipple tassels,
he just got really angry and yelled
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE, NOW, DAVE!!!”
………………………………………..
A farmer buys several pigs,
hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc…. After several weeks,
he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will,
instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
‘No,’ she says, ‘they’re all in the truck and one of them’s honking the horn.
.
Nuts -
Sitting at home one night with his wife,
a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program,
the man loses concentration for a split second,
and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing
the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door
they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation;
he tells them he’s studying medicine and that they’re not to worry about a thing.
He then sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and asks him to blow,
and low and behold,
the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks
, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
“So” the wife says,
“what do you think he’ll become after he finishes school?
A GP or a surgeon?”
“Well says the man, rubbing his nose,
“by the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to be our son-in-law.”
……………………………………….
WHAT ARE THEY DOING ?
A young boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out, so the boy asks his father what they are doing.
His dad replies, ‘They’re making a cake.’
The boy says, ‘Oh.’
The next day they go to the zoo and there are two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad, ‘What are they doing?’
His dad replies, ‘They’re baking a cake.’
So they go home and the next day, the boy says to his dad,
I know what you and mom were doing last night,
you were baking a cake.’ The father asks the boy, ‘How do you know?’
The boy replies with a big grin,
‘Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning.’
.
Thankyou for upping my points.
Heres another one for you
Becareful How You Speak In Front of Kids
One day little Johnny’s mom and dad were arguing and
his mom called his dad a Bastard.
the dad got mad n called the mom a Bitch.
The next day little Johnny asked her mom what a bastard was, she says its another name for a gentleman.
little Johnny then goes to his dad and asked him what a bitch was. he said its another name for a kind lady.
That night Johnny saw his mom and dad fucking and heard his dad say
“I like your soft titties” and his mom said : I like your hairy balls"
Johnny walks in and says mom what are hairy balls?
she says” its another name for a jacket"
He then asks his dad what were soft titties.
Dad says “its another name for a Hat.”
The next day it was thanksgiving and his dad was shaving and he cut himself and says " shit".
so little Johnny asks him what shit was. his dad said”
its another name for shaving cream".
Then little Johnny goes and watches his mom stuff the turkey.
she drops some stuffing on her shoe and said “fuck”.
little Johnny asked his mom what fuck meant and she said
" its another name for stuffing.
then the guest arrive and Johnny greets them by saying
” hello bitches and bastards put your hairy balls
and soft titties in the closet.
my moms fucking the turkey and my dads putting shit on his face.
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