________________________________________
Wedding preparation guidelines
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper.
The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A secondary school year book picture is acceptable)
; Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom
(do not include kindergarten school,
unless that was the terminal degree.)
; current employment and planned residence after the ceremony
(If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff,
you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy.
Something like “You are invited to watch Ah Beng and Chanel Lim make it legal on March 14, 2012.” will suffice nicely.
If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell
“If you aren’t doing nothing’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock.
Me and Chanel’s having some friends over to watch the football game and witness our wedding’.”
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.”
No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe.
Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big “they” are.
For the groom, a rented Suit is “haute couture”, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home,
consider some alternatives.
For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance.
And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion and no slippers.
The ceremony:
At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…
“Tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the CC hall or HDB V.deck far in advance,
and avoid Saturdays, since that’s badminton night.
It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall.
When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!
Common wedding questions and answers
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except “To all the girl’s I loved before” and “Another one bites the dust!”
************************************************** *
I hope that you like my story so far. I need you to rate and give me feedback
to encourage me to write more.
Please support my other threads:-
Brown Sugar at Pertain
How to tell a virgin by looking at her backside
Best Divorce letter ever
and my newest one:-
True Embarrassing Sex Stories,
NEVER TELL ON GIRLS WHO NEVER WEAR PANTIES
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says, “Fellas, I got real problems.
Im seventy years old. Every morning at seven oclock I get up and I try to urinate.
All day long I try to urinate.
They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.”
The second old man says, “You think you have problems.
Im eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels.
I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.”
Finally the third old man speaks up,
“Fellas: Im ninety years old.
Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.
Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her,
until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching,
with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didnt have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh no.
Weve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied,
“Its his turn with the teeth.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The 75 year old man and his young,
knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique
when the mans oldest friend bumped into him.
Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked
“How in the hell did YOU land a wifelike that?”
The old man whispered back,
“Easy. I told her I was 95!”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now dont get mad at me… I know weve been friends for a long time,
but I just cant remember your name.
Ive thought and thought, but I cant recall it.
Please tell me what your name is.
“Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.Finally she said,
"
How soon do you need to know?”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:
“I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: “Well, give me the bad news first.“Doctor:
“You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.”
Patient: “OH NO! Thats awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???”
Doctor: “You also have Alzheimers.
In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Please support my other threads:-
True Embarrassing Sex Stories :-
NEVER TELL ON GIRLS WHO NEVER WEAR PANTIES
.
“Cash, check or charge?”
I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
………………………………………….. …………..
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head,
South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoytheir two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said,
“Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see.”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded:
“And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?”
The groom wiped his brow and said,
“Just relax honey. Please ! Im going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her.”
………………………………………….. …………
Joke: Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldnt stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just dont listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
Its easy! I turn off the light!
………………………………………….. ………..
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends
when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,
“the husband explained.
“She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.” He continued,
“She communicates well and I act like Im listening.”
………………………………………….. ……….
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband.
“But why did you stab him over a hundred times?”
asked the judge.
“Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant,
“I didnt know how to switch off the electric carving knife.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++
Please support my other threads:-
True Embarrassing Sex Stories :-
NEVER TELL ON GIRLS WHO NEVER WEAR PANTIES
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife,
“I cannot die without telling you the truth.
I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.
All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either,
but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said,
“Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
………………………………………….. ………………
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these,
his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.
“Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks…
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++
Please support my other threads:-
True Embarrassing Sex Stories :-
NEVER TELL ON GIRLS WHO NEVER WEAR PANTIES
Underwear and Friends
Friends are like panties..(or briefs)..Some crawl up your butt.
Some snap under pressure.
Some don’t have the strength to hold you up.
Some get a little twisted.
Some are your favorite.
Some are holy.
Some are cheap.
Some are naughty.
And some actually cover your butt when you need them to.
-—————————————————————
Betty Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied,
“At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
“How ‘bout if I drag her over to
Oak Street
and you pick her up there?”
-——————————————————————
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program
about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, that’s a bunch of crap; I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy
and sad at the same time.”
She said,
“You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”
.
What’s the matter? You Look Depressed.
“I’m having troublewith my wife”.
What Happened?
She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30days"
But that ought to make you happy.
“It did, but today is the LAST DAY”..
-————————
Last night Grandma wore a see-through top,but grandpa didn’t notice.
The 2nd night,grandma wore a bikini,grandpa got a shock.
and on the 3rd night,she got naked & grandpa says to her.
“Why is your dress so crumpled..?”
-———————-
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the
continual good weather settled down for a day’s sunbathing.
He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief
and he could hardly stand for the pain.
So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said,
“well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I’ve really got nothing at all to help you.”
“However, try this and gives him one tablet of Viagra.”
So the man says “but I’ve got acute sunburn what’s a Viagra tablet going to do?”
The doctor says, “basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight.”
-———————————
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of $74.95,
they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off
and hitting him in the forehead.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.;
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One!
-- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
But then, this really isn’t about me..
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that
he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting
by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now,
and will remain against it.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
EMO CHILD:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,
and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON
(wrote the song “imagine”):
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%< reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road,
or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken!!!! …
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT:
Why are all the chickens white? … We need some black chickens!
That is what is wrong with this accursed country of slavery and betrayal! Yes,
Whitey is keeping the black chickens down,
with the help of all the Uncle Tom chickens stooping to betray themselves…
.
To the brother’s who uptz my points
Thank you, but please leave your nick so I can say thanks properly
An old man, goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
‘Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?’
‘I can cut them for you’ said Dan the pharmacist ‘
… but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.. ‘
‘I am 96′ said the old man.’I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.
………………………………………….. ………………………………………….. ….
There was an elderly Indian Uncle,
dressed in traditional Indain White Sarong(Dhoti) and White Shirt sitting on an SBS bus who
dropped his son’s photo while keeping his Transitlink card.
It fell under the skirt of the young Chinese lady standing next to his seat.
As he bends down to retrieve it he found that she was stepping on the it.
He tapped her foot and said
“Excuse me miss, can lift your skirt?
I want to take a photo!’
.
The Original" Best Divorce Letter Ever"
which I posted on my other thread and I found it to be too hilarious not to share with my SBF bro’s. Hope you enjoy it as much as me.
================================================== ====
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.
Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things.
I’m tired of pretending that I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore.
I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they’re not you. They’re not even close.”
Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes pub and brought her home with me.
I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and ass that just wouldn’t quit.
Every man’s dream, right?
As I sat on the couch getting a blow job by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives.
It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie?
I doubt it.
And I’d never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.
Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt,
I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?”
It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her suttee shameless hunger;
but something also, some nagging feeling of loss.
Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me.
It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol that singel mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with some Mee Goreng.
She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around.
I didn’t know what she meant till later; but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart’s a total monster in the sack.
She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us.
And all of the sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it’s totally hot,
but it makes me sad too because I can’t help thinking “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor?
We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy.”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she’s got
a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together.
Connie, she really is.
So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with
the same DNA as you and all I can do is think
of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole Anal thing,
and that gets me to thinking about
how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s Cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you?
It’s true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over?
Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please, let me know.
Otherwise,
can you let me know where the fucking remote is ?
Love Ah Keong