-
Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
-
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
-
“I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
-
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
-
You want to see if it’s like the dream.
-
So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
-
People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
-
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
-
Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
-
No one steals your chair.
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams,
“I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says,
“Go home dad you’re drunk.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
He politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
“ And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned,
“That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied,
“Well That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”
=================================
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have, hopefully you could find the time to rate this thread. Thank you.
Please also support my other threads:-
Brown Sugar at Petain
Tell A Virgin by looking at her backside
Share some true experiences
List of Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked: Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked Joke
Work can be so tedious. Day in and day out, the same reports, the same tiny cubicle.
Icons in cornflower blue and TPS reports.
Coming to work naked would definitely spice up the day, wouldn’t it? I wonder if you could get away with it on a Casual Friday.
It would have to be on reaaaaaally casual Friday, wouldn’t it? You’d definitely blow that weird guy and his Hawaiian shirts out of the water.
That shirt is hideous,
isn’t it? On the upside, going to work naked means your shoes match no-matter what you’re not wearing….
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Thank you all the Samsters who shared their points with me.
“”World’s Best Funny Pickup Lines.””
You remind me of cheese I like cheese.
U look like my granny, she bakes me cookies
I like cookies, so I like you
If I could keep time in a bottle your beautiful face would be mine forever.
Girl your eyes shine like the moonlight on every star
Kiss me than kill me
Roses are red, bud lights are blue
When I get drunk, I start to like you
If I could change the alphabet I would put” U and I” together
Baby did you fart ’cause you blow me away
(Just enough to break the ice) Hi my name is Joe.
Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: Um…What?
Guy: When you fell from heaven?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
“No”
“I’ll walk past again”
I’m new in town can you show me directions to your house
Are you from Tennessee because you’re the only perfect 10 that I can see.
Do you like robins? Cuz you’re robbing’ my heart!
Your eyes are like two pristine swimming pools.
-and I am very hot, can I go swimming?
You must be alcoholic, because you intoxicate me
Roses are red,
Violets are not,
I’m really cool and you’re really hot!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties.
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
You: what winks and screws like a tiger?
Her: I don’t know
You: (then you wink)
Your feet must be tired,
because’ you’ve been dancing through my head all night!
You and I should get jerseys, because we’d make a great team, but yours would be better, because you’re out of my league.
Hi I I’m single!
Do You Work At The Bakery? Because you have Some Really Big Cakes!
You must have been speeding fast cause all I see is FINE! FINE! FINE
Want to ring in the New Year with a bang?
Well it looks like the fireworks aren’t the prettiest thing around.
I only hate myself because I hadn’t met you.
(And for everyday use)
HI Do you work at subway, because you just gave me a foot long….
Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
Somebody better call God, because heaven’s missing an angel!
Excuse me; can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!
Do you have a Band-aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you
If all girls were birds, you’d be a bird of paradise
There you are!
All the other angels have been missing you!
Imagine your mouth is blue, and mine is red. Want to make purple?
Do you know CPR? Because u just took my breath away.
(Another variation)
Do know CPR? Because when I saw you, my heart stopped.
U r so sweet you just put Hershey’s chocolate out of business
Listen I get homesick so can we go my place
The word around is that you have some special power.
It seems you can make a guy pass out when you kiss him!
(She will obviously say, “No, not at all”) Well then, prove it!
.
Funny Resignation Letter
Dear Mr. Boss:
I’m thrilled to inform you that I’m resigning.
I have been waiting for what seems like forever to inform you that I’m resigning.
I’ve hated worked for the company since the day I was hired. I don’t like the work,
I don’t like my fellow employees, and I don’t like you.
I am tendering my resignation effective immediately and I’m heading for the open road.
I bought a Harley and a leather jacket and my girlfriend, Denise, is coming along.
It was a little tough to find a jacket to fit her, but we managed.
I know you would like me to help you with a transition, but I won’t. Have fun figuring out the files on my computer.
I can’t even figure them out most of the time.
Oh, speaking of computers, you’ll need to figure out the passwords to all our online resources.
I forgot to keep a list of them, so have fun with that.
I’m sure you’d like to have a going away party for me. However, I’m not interested in the stale cookies and nasty punch
that constitutes saying goodbye at this company.
Don’t worry about writing me a reference, even though I’m sure you’d be glad to recommend my work.
I don’t need or want one. I don’t need references where I’m heading.
So, consider our bridges burnt.
See ya,
Happy To Be Gone
______
Is the wife in control?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said.
“You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud,
Learn from him!”
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said,
“I don’t know.
My wife told me to stand here
.”
=============================================
Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer
wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
“What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?
They just made a movie about it.”
The teacher answered quickly,
“That would be the Titanic
.”
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and,
figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
“How many people died on the ship?”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
“1,228,” he answered.
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
“Name them.”
==================================================
Assign the punishment
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation,
and they were startled to see a door in the wall open,
and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty,
and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
“Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”
And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two,
and so they both jumped when a second door opened,
and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.
She was over 7’ tall, monstrous,
covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, “Carl, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious,
and feared the worst when the third door opened.
And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy
Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
“Cindy, you have sinned.”
.
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to
The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.
The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.
The wife means: I’m still building up steam
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her.
Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married.
Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years,
but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage
much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question.
So he calls her on the phone,
“June.”
“Yes, this is June.”
"
Will you marry me?"
“Of course I will! …….Who’s this?”
What is the most damaging food
?
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?
You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said
,……..“Wedding cake.”
………………………………………….. ……….
Too much speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
“Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding.
He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell.
“I’m the groom.”
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn’t tell them apart.
So she asked her neighbor for advice.
He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence.
So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses’ ear.
This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence.
So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.
And sure enough,
the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse
………………………………………….. ………
A bartender was working the late shift.
While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Tiger and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool.
The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar,
and took advantage of the situation and screwed her the hell out of her..
The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by,
so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman.
All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again.
The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady.
The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Tiger.
Eventually, she passes out.
The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns screwing her.
The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends,
and so there is a huge crowd in the bar.
The woman walks in again, orders a Tiger, drinks it, and then passes out.
So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.
The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar.
The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.
The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, “You don’t want the usual?”
She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head.
“No. Tiger makes my pussy sore!”
………………………………………….. …………….
In a mental institution
a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
“Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room,
and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks,
“Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says,
“I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
………………………………………….. …………………….
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman,
“Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says,
“I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference ?
Answer: I don’t know and I don’t care!
……………………………………….
……………………………………….
(More Funniest Blonde Jokes)
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead were sitting together at a coffee shop. They all decide to go through their daughter’s purses.
The Brunette goes first. “I can’t believe I found a pack of cigerettes in my daughter’s purse.
I didn’t know she smoked.” The redhead says, " I can’t believe I found booze in my daughter’s purse.
I didn’t know she drank."
Finally the blonde says," I found a condom in my daughter’s purse.
I didn’t know she had a penis!"
………………………………………….. …..
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car.
She cuts out in front of a semi-convertable, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.
The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.
Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats.
He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck,
takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car.
He looks back to see that she’s laughing.
He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires.
He turns around and she’s laughing so hard,
she’s about to fall down. He demands,
“What’s so funny?”
She says, “Every time you weren’t looking,
I stepped out of the circle!”
………………………………………….. ………………………………………
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
You rotten bastard, “says the husband,
“my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked
scaring the kids!!!
………………………………………….. …………………….
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple.
She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane.
The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so,
she threw it out of the plane.
Then, the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so,
he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked,
“little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?” and the little girl said,
“an apple came down and killed my new kitty”.
Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, “little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?”
and the little boy said, “a lemon came down and killed my new puppy.”
Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “why are you
laughing so hard?” and the blonde said,
“I farted and the building behind me blew up!!”
………………………………………….. …………………….
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells,
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee.”
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house
and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying,
“You’ve got mail!”
************************************************** **
Thanks to all the brother’s who supported my thread,
I hope the jokes help lightens your day and make it less stress free!!