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Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
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The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
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The cat is on Valium.
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People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
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You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
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The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
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No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
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“Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
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You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
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Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
A freind send me this joke…
Grandad and the Australian Taxation Office
The Income Tax Dept decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said,
‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandad.
‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandad says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandad’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandad asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,
but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly
manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily,
he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy,
realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the lawyer.
‘This morning, when Grandad told me he’d been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
.
QUESTION:
Why does a man chase a women he has no intention
of marrying?
ANS:
Same reason that a dog chases cars it has no intention
of driving.
.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink
a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
“Who owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said,
“I do. Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
“I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough,
Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it,
and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
“Tonto, I want you to run around Silver
and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.
”
Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”,
and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait,
the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
“Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do.
What is wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much,
I just wanted you to know that …………
you left your Injun running!!!”
.
Texan with a new car
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bar.
“I know that smart aleck Tex,” said the first.
“He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon
as he gets back.”
“Not Tex,” the second cowboy replied.
“He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy.
When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.”
“I know Tex better than either of you,” said the third.
“He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both.
Here he comes now.”
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,
“Audi, partners!”
.
FUNNY FORMAL LOVE LETTER
Dearest Ms Sarah,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you
since the 14th of October (Monday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July. at 1500 hrs,
I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months
and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation,
there will be continuous on the job training
and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover
to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment
would initially be shared equally between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of,
on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,
failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice
and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister,
if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Joe
A blonde and a brunette were talking….
The burnette complained that
" Every time my boyfriend brings home flowers.
I have to spend the weekend with my legs in the air."
The blonde asks.
“Don’t you have a vase?'
.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,
while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.”
If he wants sex, don’t resist,
don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey…… I love you too!”
.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says,
“I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.
“The husband says “WHAT?”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a WOMAN.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.
He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits.
And then tells his wife, We’ll take all three of them.
Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says “but you don ’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.”
The husband says, “no, no, no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”
The wife face goes blank.
“No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says
“You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”
.
After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.
She starts crying and then asks, “How can you do this, Jimmy?
How can you just walk out?
The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia
and almost died!
Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health?
Me!
And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash,
who kept you going and kept your spirits up?
Me!
And when our kids grew up and ran away from home,
who sat with you can comforted you?
Me!
And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store,
who stayed at your side the whole time?
Me!
How could you leave me, Jimmy?
You’ve been through everything with me.”
Jimmy replies, “That’s just the problem, Katherine!
You’re just fucking bad luck!”
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…