-
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
-
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
-
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
-
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-
Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, I agree.
-
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
-
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
-
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
-
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
-
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
-
Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
-
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1997.
-
Patient has waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-
She is numb from her toes down.
-
While in ER she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-
The skin was moist and dry.
-
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
-
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
-
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
-
When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.
-
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Commitment
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place.
Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken
that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried.
“Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig.
“For you, that’s a contribution…….. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
Funny Medical Quotes
True things that medical staff write in letters.
The medical profession may be known for their bad handwriting but their letters and notes aren’t too good either.
Just look at these funny quotes from the UK medical staff. And to think we rely on these medical staff to make use feel well.
Their funny medical quotes help though! And in most case we can see what they were trying to say.
.
LETTER TO A CAR………….
Mar. 13th, 2011
Dear Car,
I hate you so fucking much. Ever since we bought you,
you have been nothing but trouble.
There’s always something wrong with you!
And you crash or get crashed at in every opportunity and seriously,
right now all I want to get a big ass hammer and shatter you into pieces so small
nobody would recognize you.
You know I never go out at night.
You know it.
And when I finally decide to do it YOU WON’T TURN ON?
YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
We spendt two hours trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you
and found nothing.
You just got out of the workshop. You are supposed to be fine.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH.
PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME A BIGASS HAMMER.
Sincerely pissed,
your current owner.
.
Funny goodbye letters
November 6, 2008
Dear John,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever.
First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you.
Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
would ever want to wrong in any way.
There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even
try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a
stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve
it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,
what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile
if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel
beyond crushed.
I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t.
I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this
is something that we can deal with.
I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect
that, and you would be correct.
I hate feeling like you hate me, and I
hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not.
I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened. I am so sorry.
Love you always
Sheila
——————————————————————————–
Dear Sheila,
Thank you for your concern.
I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L’ for
‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about’.
You did a stupid thing huh?
No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a stupid
thing’; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is ‘a stupid thing’;
Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar
wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran
that morning isn’t as much a ‘Stupid thing’ as it is grounds for
permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if
it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public
toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think
that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t Fuck him’ somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you
yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24
hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think
you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the
mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate.
Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
John
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy’s response is hilarious, but read The State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
State of Pennsylvania ’s letter to Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
………………………………………….. ………………………………
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures building materials ‘debris.’
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation – so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the dammed stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers – but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
.
Job application:
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells- England
They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.
If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT COULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: about 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
.
Why I’m not afraid of Satan
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church,
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew,
not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit,
so he walked up to the man and said,
“Don’t
you know who I am?”
The man replied,
“Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked,
“Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,”
said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
“Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied,
“Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
.
[CENIf Men Ruled the World…[/CENTER]
• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
• Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Birth control would come in ale or lager.
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the soccer team of your choice.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• “Sorry I’m late, but I got totally drunk last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
• It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, carry swords and go pillage a nearby town.
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
• Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
• Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
• The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
• The only show opposite Saturday Night Football would be Saturday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
• It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
• Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.
• When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-Alex answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
• The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
.
WORLD’S MOST STUPID JOKES!!!!
-——————————————————————————-
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people’s fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
- You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You don’t sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
- You don’t tan, you roast.
- You can’t even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail….
.
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and,
at the appropriate point in the process,
she told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he could remember easily and would use each time
he had to log on.
The husband was a bit bored by the process and,
feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect
to bring this to his wife’s attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he paused for effect, then letter by letter,
with his wife watching over his shoulder,
he keyed in ……
P E N N I S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD: REJECTED…. … NOT LONG ENOUGH
.