-
…If he really cared why he commit the mistake.
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It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ?
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Having such a husband is already a torture.
- u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
- although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
- out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
- were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
- after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???
Hi, I will offer my 2 cents
I am sorry to hear of your situation but after reading through you post, I think you can work it out. The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you.
Make time for family, as you do want your son to have a family environment to grow up in. I also feel, his affair is like “comfort food”. They work together and understand each other in work and stress and pressure and so end up comforting each other. When the situation continues they become more familiar with each other and the relationship grows.
You also need to make time for each other TOGETHER. Try to take one day a week to be with each other only, whether it is just going out for dinner (just 2 of you only) or doing some activity together. Tell him if he feels the responsibility to have a good family environment for your son, he will need to be able to have the relationship with you too, as the child grow, he /she will see if there is tension or friction and the once a week togetherness will help to make you both comfortable with each other.
Also this will allow both of you to re-discover each other but take your time and don’t rush it, over time you both will discover if you will be better together or apart, but do give yourself enough time to get to know each other once again as persons, individuals and at the end, if anything, you will at the very least have a new good friend or re-build your relationship with each other and may even be stronger.
I am no angel, but I did admit straying a long time ago and my wife had wanted to split but I did not want to and we worked it out and have stayed together for a very long time now. I do love my wife, and as I said, I am no angel, so I try not to get entangled in relationships as it is more difficult when the heart and mind is involved.
I am sorry for this long note, but I just thought I would like to offer my 2 cents and hope this can help you.
when both parties live under one roof over years, either one or both parties will tend to take each other 4 granted and gradually that special feeling is lost. i believe the reason y he choose to see another married woman is to regain that special feeling without having to bear the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. it will be good to go 4 marriage counselling and seek their advice b4 it gets complicated.
When I first read your thread this morning, I had wanted to post you a reply as I had shared the same emotions as your hushand … but no third-party relationship involved. I was last intimate with my wife 7 years ago when my son was conceived. Despite the lack of interest for intimacy, I believed I am still a good father and husband. Hence, in a way I know how you could win him back …. that is provided you want to.
Many bros had since replied you and in way they have said all that I had wanted to say. I summarised below the points that I agree and disagree with.
I totally agree with bro bg102 that
“The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you.”
Also agreed with bro block11 that
“if this is his first affair then he’ll be very confused and feeling guilty now… try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out … i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway… i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out.”
I do not agree with bro Ryke when he said:
I will recommend you to end this relationship"
for that is more of a clinical and logical mind thinking of an uninvolved outsider.
bro tartar26 is correct in stating that
“there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee.”
BUT then he also added that
“A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where “daddy and mummy” are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life.”
Hence, your best bet is
DO NOTHING, DON"T CHASE HIM OUT
. One possible strategy is that instead of reacting by being angry and offensive, try using reverse psychology. Show him that though hurt and suffering, you continue to be the sweet, loving, caring, understanding and dutiful wife and mother still. All men (no matter how incorrigible) can appreciate a good, gentle and caring wife no matter how far he strayed. He will eventually come back to you and you should forgive him (even now). As bro block11 said
… i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway…
My aunt used this approach and it works. She used to be very fierce and domineering until she found out my uncle was having an affair with her best friend. She changed 180 degrees and in the end they remained together till their final days. Hope this helps. Just
DON’T DO ANYTHING RASH
.
Imho, when a man is gungho enough to choose divorce, that could only mean he’s either desperate enough to get out of the marriage or he’s too ashamed to face his family.
Ts, based on what you have said, your husband might be very confused rite now. There’s simply no reason to move away from a forgiving wife(That is if you actually put it plainly across that your willing to forgive him, guys at this point can’t understand hints no matter how clearly it has been made) and headed towards loneliness. Unless if the other women is leaving her family as well. But you also mention he cares about you still and guess that means something. No one will care about another without emotional attachment, i.e. do you actually care how many puppies does your neighbour’ dog gave birth to?
Do you really want him to be wif you for the rest of your life when you already know everything? Instinct are inborn unfortunately, like a cat who will always kill its prey at any given chance
Your husband is confused at best. That usually happens with a couple neglects one another, submitting to the norms that you both have been conditioned too, for convenience sake. Both parties are to be blamed for it.
I’ve personally dated 2 40yr old ladies (my age is round 3/4) of it, and one thing’s for sure, their situation was more or less the same: husband lost interest, divorcing. They’re really fine ladies nonetheless, with looks that could pass off as 28yr olds etc.
Anyways, to skip to the point, you’re wise to seek advice fr the opp sex, as females, they tend side their own, willy nilly, right or wrong, they will point the finger at the males. What you need is to relight the flame. Breakout from the norms. Obviously the 3rd party (mistress) had poisoned him. Guys are suckers for temptresses. It’s natural, like it or not.
Right now, he probably feels a sense of belonging in her, as she feeds his ego and needs. Classic case. However, you’ve a kid with him, as well as a wedding ring to boot. To rekindle the nostalgia you must first make a change. Be the person, he used to know, when he fell for you. Ask yourself, what was the last praise he’d complimented you? You personality? thoughtfullness? etc… work on that. Bring out things you both used to do, you both love.
For me I’d play a self composed song on the piano and the gal would fall for me all over again. But thats another story haha (I’m not too good with ladies anyway). Again, make him feel as part of the family, as one, a wife, a kid and him. He’d already played part of his role by supporting the family, responsibility is already impeded in him. Give him the other half.
It’s all up to you, it’s worth a shot. Go for it.
Dear everybody.
I am humbled and touched by all the replies, private messages, well wishes and prayers. I wish I could thank everyone personally but it will just make this thread unnecessarily long. Some of you have shared your private lives with me and i promise they will be kept private.
As one of the Samsters rightly pointed out, the fact that I seek advice from this forum of mostly unfaithful men proved that I am tolerant (note: this is different from accepting) of infidelity. Maybe I should make things ugly for my husband but ultimately what would that achieve? He has been a good man. He has brought out the best in me and we have shared good times together. His affair does not change that. As his family, I will accept him and his mistakes unconditionally. Not easy, I will try
I still love my husband, very much. He has always been gentle and kind to me, even at his most distant moments. Maybe that is why I find it hard to let go. I just wish he could see beyond this moment to what we have shared and mostly to what we will be doing to our son.
He has agreed to stay put for the time being since I am also going through some stress from work and wont be able to cope with so much at one go. I guess I will take this time to think things through. The whole episode seemed too surreal and I suspect I am still numb from the hurt to know what I really want. Hopefully he will also take this time to sort things out and realize that love is not just a feeling. Love needs to be nourished. Otherwise someone else will go through what I am going through in just a couple of years’ time.
Do remember me in your prayers. I really need it.
(my previous reply did not get posted so I am posting another one)
Dear everybody
I am truly humbled and touched by all the advice, private messages, well wishes and prayers. Some of you have shared very personal encounters and I promise that they will stay private. I wish I could reply to each one of you individually but it will make this thread unnecessarily long.
Current situation is he will not move out so soon. As mentioned, I am going through some stress from work and he is helping me through this period first. Things do not look terribly optimistic at this point in time. I am going to see a counsellor myself to get over this shock and hopefully make a proper decision from there.
Again, thanks. I really appreciate all that kindness. I know Samsters do not log into the forum to play Aunty Agony and all your replies lessened the pain somewhat.
Finally, do say a prayer for me, I really need it.
Hi, I feel burdened to reply you.
before u get angry, hurt or betrayed, did u put yourself in your husband’s shoes???
ya I guess I let self pity envelope me before thinking from his perspective.
however, the crux lies
why he actually did that to you?
again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why???
trust me, I wish I knew why too
guilty as charged
no quarrels at all, hard to believe but true
other than the normal teething problem of having an additional member in the household, we had no help from family, no maid, and I suffered from post natal blues
myself
sadly, yes
colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???
he spends 13-14 hours in the office 5 days a week, so yes, I fully agree
but the main issue i have here is what u meant by “he
FINALLY
came clean today.” didnt he tell u 6 months ago that the problem was that he no longer has feelings for u??? but he suddenly confessed (out of the blue) that he was having an affair with a happily married woman!!! now, i m confused!!! cos i could swear that a man would never do that unless at gunpoint or confronted with irrefutable evidence!!! so, i m very interested to know how u made yr husband confess… if u bugged him incessently, i m inclined to think that there is a possibility that he made the affair up just to get u off his back!!!
i stopped bugging him and naively believed that maybe our routine-ness made he stop feeling for me. i was going out for my morning jog this morning when suddenly he came and confessed. strange but true.
i m sorry, but it just seems to me that the reason that he no longer has feelings for u is just not a good enough reason, but the appearance of another woman is good enough for u. u didnt ask him to move out when he no longer loves u, but now he has committed adultery, he has to move out.
I thought I could rekindle flames if there wasnt anybody else. However if there was, I doubt I could compete with a sweet romantic somebody else with my routine and daily living stuffs.
i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???
In a way you are right but I guess he strayed cos he lost his feelings
no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that’s when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.
yes, I fully agree. He seems determined to leave me for her. I have told him that he needs to work on this else she will go through what I am going through now.
your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.
Reading this made me tear. I wish he would listen to this.
nagging is a man’s biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband.
i dont nag, really, cos i know it only makes the man shut off completely. and yes, we do calmly talk about the issue at hand.
dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.
he refused counselling cos he said his mind is made up.
i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce.
no, please i am not offended at all. in an way i envy your wife cos you are committed to your marriage, mine wasnt. things are not optimistic right now and i guess I can only try so much, eventually, I need to have the grace to let go.
Thanks again for your long advice. I really appreciate it.
God bless you and your wife.
hello everybody
i have posted at least 3 replies but do not see them published. a bit puzzling.
the latest update is: the other woman’s husband has found out about the affair. seems very likely that she will divorce him and give him full custody of her son to be with my husband. understandably, my husband wants out fast. however, he has agreed to honour his words and stay put for this period cos i am going through some work pressure and doubt i can handle so much at one go. i honestly dont know how long i am going to take. it isnt fair to my husband but i need the time to speak to counsellor, lawyer and get a grip on the situation. too many things have happended over the this weekend and i am not sure if i am still sane.
as for my son. i know for a fact that he looks forward to having a complete family everyday. husband comes home late (about 9pm, in time for quality time and family prayer before lights off) and i can see the difference in his behaviour. when daddy is home, he will be more animated and happier and he idolises his father. i see his attachment for his dad growing each day and he will ask for his father all the time. in fact when my husband hugged me on staurday night after our “arrangement talk”, my son joined in and we had a group hug. the fact that i am losing this fight to keep the family together is tearing my heart. i suspect my son has figured as much that something is wrong. he has asked me why i was unhappy, is it because of daddy? when i asked him why he thought so, he said it was because every time you talk to daddy, you cry. my heart ached for him. being only 5, he tries hard to cheer me up whenever i seem depressed by making me cards and writing me i-love-you notes. but what can i offer him in return now?
i am trying not to indulge in my own feeling of self pity and helplessness. life has to go on. i still have to get back to work and its own problem in another 6 hours’ time. i feel helpless because i came from a small family and do not have many close friends. not comfortable to confide such stuffs openly cause i have always prided myself on having a happy family.
it seems husband is determined to go. it is painful, very painful, but what choice do i have now?
so i have to be strong and tomorrow i shall try to make an appointment to see a counsellor myself. i think it is important that i talk to someone, cry it out loud and hopefully get directed to what to do. i am so totally unprepared for this. have also to see the doctor to get some sleeping pills cos these restless nights are killing me. i know i should sleep but the helplessness of my situation keeps me awake.
i am still hoping against hope that my husband will realise the hurt he has caused and will be causing us. i still do not believe that love comes and goes. all marriages go through this stage where routine sets in and we take each other for granted. if we are committed to weather this period through together, and work on it together, we dont have to go down this dreadful path. i am truly broken and disheartened by my husband’s determination to follow his notion of love and compatibility (he said he love me and we were compatible when we first met) with no regard to what we have shared and what he is causing. hard to believe but it is true, i have been the best possible wife to him but i guess it is just not enough.
so do pray for me, please. for strength and for wisdom.
and most of all, please pray for my son. he has done nothing wrong.
hi medusa.
despite all the hurt of knowing he lied, how he was enjoying himself with another woman while i spend endless evenings sitting with our son like a widow, believing that he has to work… i still love him. i guess i am still the traditional woman who, like what you mentioned, marries for life. as his family, i will take him back even after this affair cos i believe a marriage is for life, especially so when a child is at stake here.
but the problem now is, he wont come back. period.