Quote:
Originally Posted by
Frankiestine
Well as what a business associate once told me when caught by oc in such a situation, he would say “But that doesn’t mean having a masterpiece at home that means I have to stop appreciating other art”..
Good works of art are definitely worth the appreciation. Respect the master piece by acknowledging its presence. If you bring the master piece out, be proud of it and show it off like your prized possesion. You can have a collection of good art, but the masterpiece is always special and more valuable.
Recovering an old archival post to reflect upon myself…
dear bros and sis who have shared their views and thoughts.. I m grateful for all ur support. After all these years, things remained unchanged. 8 years of marriage without sex and he has gone into isolation while I achieved zen. We are still together but just strangers to each other with zero communication. My heart aches as I sit beside him typing this out now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
chick
Sis Fade,
I would share this article with u, not in hope that you will move on but in hope that you see light and make the right decision. Find the courage to love yourself more, to make yourself happy and a bright future lies ahead.
Somehow, I am in a similar cross road and my partner has moved out. Unable to sleep well, waking up twice every night no matter how late getting to bed, sometimes in cold sweat. I am sure your situation is not as bad as mine.
All the best.
http://www.lifehack.org/534853/3-war...hip-even-hurts
Thanks for your kind words Sis Chick. Hope you will find solace soon. Maybe you can share your encounter with us…
A chronology of past 9 Years in our sexless marriage:
2009: I continue begging him for sex every night and wished that things will take a turn. However, the more I beg, the more he resisted me. Tried all ways to pursue him, from being the gentle little lamb to the wild crazy bitch but simply nothing pleases him. He gets annoyed to the extent that he enter the bedroom only after I sleep. Everyday I cried, thinking myself as a total worthless piece of shit.
2010: I discovered that he goes for massage sessions at a HDB home run by PRCs. He got the contacts on SBF. When I confronted him, He insisted that no sex was involved and he was there to relieve his chronic backache. I trusted his words and did not pursue the matter. I continued to pester him but every attempt is futile. Soon he starts to stone-wall me and by this time, he is completely emotionally detached and doesn’t care a bit about my well-being. From a Wife I turned his enemy.
From time to time, I thouht about getting a divorce but on the other hand I so badly want to give ourselves a final chance. While he continue to play his role as the Father to our kid by providing financial needs, the emotional impact made was too great for me to bear. I couldn’t understand what’s going on and every confrontation made only proof me to be a crazy woman trying to communicate to a wall. He refused to talk to me for days, weeks and even months.
One fine day, a very kind Sis here shared the term ‘PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS in MAN’ with me and I read up and did alot of research on it. Finally it came to light that I have married a passive aggressive man! It’s actually a psychological issue that we can tackle with Counselling. As my Husband fitted every characteristic of a PA man to a T, I sugggested to him that we shall head for consultation. That being said, he refused to admit that he has got a problem and his hatred towards me brewed. Another barrier came crashing down for us.
2011: Things are totally going in a wrong direction for us but I was still hopeful.
I began to take on the role of an understanding Wife. I no longer initiate any sexual advance and left him completely alone for his own time. He hangs out late with his friends at night and I never question who he is with. At this time, he has also grown completely addicted to his mobile phone. Everywhere he goes, he will be glued to his phone. From PS4 to his mobile.. I am never his priority.
If I ever ask him for any help, he will always procrastinate or do a very sloppish job so I wouldn’t ask him to do it anymore. That’s a very typical behaviour of a PA man. As such, i don’t rely on him anymore. On top of my stressful job, I do the housework and took care of the kid and his folks at home. To stay sane, I sought solace in religion.
2012 -2015: I was very bitter but still cling on to the hope of a blissful marriage. I needed to persuade him to seek treatment ASAP. From initiating sexual advances, I now switch to pestering him to go for treatment and Counselling for his PA traits. He had a hard time with me as I turned hostile from time to time if I fail in persuading him. Our relationship was totally strained.
He grew more and more impatient with me but never did he initiate divorce terms. Instead, he came back home one day and broke the news that he had taken on a new role in his job and he will be posted overseas for this position. It was a sudden arrangement and no prior discussion was made with me or his folks. He left shortly leaving me and the kid behind. He return to SG only for once a year and while he was away, we hardly kept in touch except for matters concerning our kid. I have learnt to cope without him in my life.
2016 to now: He return to SG as his company downsize. He quitted shortly and got a new job that requires frequent travelling. Although we see each other more often now but an invisible barrier has been formed. We can totally ignore each other’s presence at some point and go about our daily lives as normal. We keep our kid busy and distracted planning lots of enrichment classes for her. We always make sure she is the priority now when it comes to our marriage. Till today, he refused to open up to talk about our sex life while I am constantly pressured by his folks and relatives to have another baby.
Yes.. I am tired. Very tired of this marriage and getting angrier with myself each day for not able to do anything. The only solution I have is to leave.
Just sharing this very personal experience of mine to raise the awareness of Passive agreesiveness in man. Other research I did suggested that it’s hardly possible to change the PA traits in man. It’s better to leave before the partner gets depression.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Frankiestine
Hi Sis very sorry to hear about your situation but from the perspective of a man, I hate to say this but your man is most likely involved with another…
Bro Frankiestine, happy to see ur post again.
I can totally accept if there is a third party involved. If only he could be upfront and communicate with me. I always tell him, Even if he doesn’t love me anymore, he can just tell me. I will be very happy to give him his blessings as he finally learn how to love a person properly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
celcius
Dear Sis Fade,
Some personal words for your thought.
His reluctance to seek treatment means he knows the real problem himself and it might be likely that he has taken a liking for someone else (sorry being blunt and direct here).
Both of his jobs require him to be overseas. Do they coincide in terms of the destination of work? He could be trying to avoid you, or/and is most likely seeing someone else at his destination of workplace.
Just saying, if he could see someone else outside with no interference from you at this current state, why will he want to divorce you? It’s like, “i can be married but still see someone else”. Plus, he won’t need to share half of his assets with you, but only help to finance the kid by not divorcing.
This probably means he doesn’t want to talk to you except for matters of the kid as a father. He’s probably lost all feelings for you. I may be wrong, but I can comfortably say if you were to seduce him in any way right now, or even be naked in front of him, he’ll probably be turned off or just ignore you.
You don’t owe anyone a living. Plus, you have done majority of the work as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter to his parents, in his absence. I have female friends (who are also mums) who have made the bold decision to step out of their marriage to live the life they should be living. Some have even re-married and the kids have accepted the stepdad and are living the life they should.
Some people think that staying together is good for the kids, but when the kid grows up, do you really think, they’ll like what their mother has gone through and chosen?
To continue staying sane for the long term, what you need right now is courage, support from your family members and friends and be brave to do what is right for yourself, and your child.
I wish you the best.
Thank you bro. My thoughts are synced with yours. I m very aware of what’s going on. Dragging on this marriage is so so so tiring. I have become so mentally exhausted that I wish I can just run away from my current situation like a rebellious teenager.
[QUOTE=nutman38;15733046]Fade,
Yup, I do not think your husband loves you anymore.
And from your posts, tell me he might have other women outside.
You really believe he go massage his back only?
Where on earth does a husband not ML to a wife.
If he really loves you, he will not makes you cry or sad!
Something is just not right!
The main reason he is not going to divorce you right now is because of the alimony. I guess he is just too chicken to divorce you and will continues to make you miserable.
Do you ask him why he “hates” you so much?
As a passive aggressive person, that’s his way of treating a person. To punish them and make them suffer and yet still want them in their life.
Wish there is a Like button here where I can just click to express my gratitude to all fellow Bros and Sis for all the kinds words offered. I even get scolding in my PM calling me a loser and shaming me for not knowing what to do with my life!
I remained grateful.
As said, I recover this post to reflect on myself and to raise the awareness of passive aggressive behaviour. I hope ppl here can learn from my experience. I am not whining and asking for help on what to do and what not as compared to 9 years ago when this thread was first started.
For now, I thanked all again for your support and few years down the road, I hope I can do another posting to update all on my situation.
Blessings to all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Shadow_warrior
Haizzz… why u reveal ur age with such song??? Don’t you know 听歌可以听出年龄吗？
There you go guys…. do u all see the pattern now?
It’s about making an effort to keep those sparks alive with ur partner! Even with a FB, the companionship could get stale. If you change a FB or a find a new Wife, history always repeats! So start making the change in yourself! Not ur FB or ur Wife! Sturborn like bulls one will tell me that the best solution is by having many FBs or go look for FLs with no strings attached etc..pls touch ur heart.. touch ur heart and tell yourself that you deserve only the best.
Being no angel myself falling into hell, please do not subject yourself to be used or use others in exchange for your desired lust.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Shadow_warrior
one time a month is a lot for some bros already
some don’t even touch each other for years.
its all the same. Wife, GF, Fbs…. same lah.
Excitement stops, so does the sex, and the routine starts
Maybe that’s why the external escapades always seem so much greener. But over time, that too shall fade