Im also been a giver just like you thorougout the entire relationship. Last mon we trash everything out. I told her to give us some time on how to continue this marriage. For me, I do not have any more feelings for her because she gave me a ultimatum, She locked the masterbedroom door when i came home late & dont let me sleep inside & made me cant go work because my clothes are inside. I plead & beg her to open the door & she didnt. I might just move on……
bro… don’t be too sure of anything.. suddently work 4 out of 5 days.. not to throw u a wet blanket.. but.. u know..
why not just get PI to re-confirm… pay a few hundred.. and buy a peace of mind.
as for the relationship.. hmm… need sometime to manage… today’s woman.. need freedom… that’s wat i feel la.. the rest of bro.. i not sure lor…
i noticed that my wife is kind of bored .
she is trying to search for lost contact via those facebook , freindster , names database etc.
if she has 3rd party , she would not do that right ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
leungccsg
i noticed that my wife is kind of bored .
she is trying to search for lost contact via those facebook , freindster , names database etc.
How do you know all these? You put a program in her laptop or desktop to monitor her? Respect her privacy dude. She may be married to you but she doesn’t need to report or justify every action to you.
Can’t you treat her like a gf or mistress? I think the problem is you. Control freak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Marblecat
Bro, I’m going to break silence on a painful experience of my own, maybe it will help you. I am in the process of burying this for good, so it’s not easy for me.
Women these days are caught under a lot of pressure, from conflicting roles as wife, executive, being their own person etc. It has an immense impact on them that few know about. They start to lose their bearing and identity. They start wanting more out of life. They start feeling that marriage and their love life should have more to offer. Go search on google for midlife crises in women and you will get a better picture. Just as depression was looked down upon as a non medical, trivial condition 50 years ago, this is underestimated by people. It is a serious, debilitating condition that causes them to destroy careers, marriages, and lives potentially.
My own wife went through this. Ironical, since I had been close to a lot of women friends who also went through the same thing, in fact she used to be paranoid I would fall in love with one of them. I never saw it in my own wife. And we just grew apart.
Nothing I did was right or could be right. Absolutely nothing. To save a long winded story, it was pure hell. Now, at this time, another man took advantage of the situation. Being there before, I know that men can sense when a woman is vulnerable - it’s simply whether you want to treat them as a friend in need of support and help them, or be a bastard and move in for the kill. Hell, I was tempted before, but ultimately realised that doing so would betray the friendship.
For my wife, this guy simply played mind games with her, giving her the false sense of security and caring that she felt she did not have at home. I would add that my wife came from a well to do, very conservative family and was your typical girl next door, not a slut. In fact, for the 6+ years we courted, we did not have sex. This guy completely screwed her mind over, I could not recognise her when it hit me, and when it happens, it is sudden and total.
I’m not saying that your wife is 100% seeing someone else, but I would say it is 70% probability. And she would never admit it. I went through much of what you are going through, and although she said she was felt miserable with me she was prepared to walk out irrespective of 3rd parties, of coz the guy had a huge influence (she admitted that later). And let me tell you, once I got suspicious I checked a lot of things but proof is VERY hard to find. She diligently deleted smses. Heck the guy and her were even talking and sms-ing in front of me at times; once the bastard even invited me to drinks when he was with her. It’s an ego thing of course. She had alternate email accounts and encrypted MSN chats. I talked to her colleagues, friends and family. No one had even a clue.
I caught her only because she made 1 mistake in using her normal email account. And just in time too, as the guy was getting ready to push the button and take her on a trip. She still insists no sex happened up to that point but the damage was already almost beyond salvage. The emotional involvement was extreme, and she was deeply in love with him. And during this time, our sex life was healthy, heck sometimes we did it 2-3 times a day. The affair got her heated up and she took the sexual tension out on me.
The months after was an even worse hell. She went to pieces and stayed on only because of the kids, but made it clear she felt nothing for me, convinced that our love had died, and that she had to sacrifice her true love for the family. Who could live with this right? And this guy was just playing on her emotion for his own ego, being married with 3 kids himself. I’m doing pretty well financially but he is very rich, and he spared no expense in pampering her. When a woman loses her sense of self and a cunning man showers attention and money, she will fall.
Ok, there will be those who will check my posts. So be it. I admit I became a different person after too. Women had always found me attractive, and my wife knew how many times I looked away from opportunities for affairs and ONS/FBs. I also entertained often here and regionally and did not generally indulge WLs / FLs even if I paid for them to be with me and my clients. I went into a cold, hard rage and thirsted for revenge. Not only did I indulge when I entertained clients, I went into an orgy of FLs on my own as well as multiple affairs. To my shame, I look back now at my influence on one other marriage that ended, and another that is on the rocks. Am I any better than the bastard I despise? I only started to wake up when I saw 2 good friends of mine whose wives went the same way - and like me both had around 8-10 years of marriage. I don’t like the person I became.
My wife took almost 1 year to wake up, to find herself. To summarise, she is more in love with me than ever, and she cannot bear to even think of what had happened. 1 year to realise what a fool she had been, what a bastard the guy was, how she had lost all reason and bearing in life. In the early stages, she drank and popped pills like candy and almost killed herself more than once. She could not live with herself. And when she caught me in 2 of my affairs, she went into a rage, but suppressed it as she had no right to say anything (in her own words). And in my rage, I threw it in her face.
I see a lot of what I went through in your tale. For a sudden and complete change like that, certain things cannot be ruled out. High chance there is someone “providing emotional support” to her and insidiously egging her on. Even if not, she is going through a crisis. If you want to explore counselling options, pls PM me. We had help from some people I am very grateful to that helped her wake up.
As a postscript for myself, I’ll just say I’m no longer the faithful hubby any more. Her love for me touches me deeply and it is good that she has found herself and her love for me back. I’m with her but I’m also gone on paths where backtracking is almost impossible.
Do take note of brother marblecat’s post, he’s been really good by sharing with us his experience.
I am sure many of us do not want to go down this road.
Please appreciate your other half before it is too late.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
leungccsg
i noticed that my wife is kind of bored .
she is trying to search for lost contact via those facebook , freindster , names database etc.
if she has 3rd party , she would not do that right ?
Perhaps 3rd party… Hopefully not, no man can take it…
Well said bro MarbleCat.
I went through something almost like you in 05……now she loves me even more than ever…
Wats most important is that she snaps out of her state
If not, watever u wanna do, dun bother cos its be like trying to walk through a wall.
If she’s having an affair which is 99.9999999999% probable based on all i read, you find that fucker, you loose even more ground and respect from her.
Your position is not good, thread carefully & do not be impulsive…….
To catch a theif, YOU GOTTA BE A THIEF!
Then you sure will catch!!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Clyde Frog
Other brothers may call you to consider salvaging such a relationship, but I will let you be the judge of that. I will reply this post base on salvaging the relationship.
Do you know any of her friends?
Because if you do, that will surely help. In such a situation, what her friends or family say will be 100 times more effective than what you say. Approach her friends or family for help. If you talk to her directly you will only turn her off.
Try that avenue. That’s about the only avenue left now if you still want to mend the relationship. If you don’t know any of her friends/close family, then I don’t how to offer you any help already.
Good Luck Bro.
Actually, I have a friend who had this crisis before with his wife. The wife packed up and left for Malaysia, staying with her parents during that period.
However, due to the character of the wife, we knew that friends and relatives will not be able to help.
In your case, TS, you will need to evaluate your wife’s character, is she the stubborn type.
If she’s stubborn, then you will have to rely on yourself to win her back like what my friend did.
Do you know what are the problems, other than pregnancy, that you have between you and your wife?
From your case scenario, it seems that it has been a long term grudge that she held maybe, dating back even before marriage.
You will need to think back long and hard on what has happened before in the past. Recall the reasons for the arguments and find a common point.
Women do not tell you directly what they want most of the time. Therefore you will need to look for clues on her gestures and speech. Take the time to evaluate each and every of her sentence to ’listen’ for any hidden meanings.
Only by solving these issues can you win her back.
My friend was lucky enough to know what were the issues and it was resolved pretty quickly (2 months approximately).
In these type of scenario, much patience and understanding is needed in order to resolve.
Hope this helps you and someone out there
Bro
When I read the 1st and 3rd page of your thread, I was inclined to agree with all the bros here that she was having an affair outside. From my experience I know this is highly possible…but I will not go into that.
But after reading your 2 postings on page 2…my opinion changed …
Quote:
Originally Posted by
leungccsg
we still have regular sex ( at least 2 times per week ) . in fact duriing that day when she walk out of the house , the same afternoon we have a good kissing and fondling sexxsion ( her aunt visit so cannot do ).
In fact , for the 8 yrs we are married , she has very little friends and seldom goes out with them. she only join the new company 6 mths ago……. and since the start of job…
i noticed that my wife is kind of bored…
well , i behave like most guys…. if my partner sudden commit so much of her time at work or such rather than me , of coz wild imagination will come.
fear overtook me last time , that’s why i started to monitor her emails secretly , check her sms secretly . everything pointed to one fact , she is cleaned.
From what you wrote…as quoted above…
I think you are paranoid and have an insecurity and inferiority complex. From the way you write I don’t think you draw a high income. You had lost your job and had a hard time getting re-employed? (can you confirm this?) As you mentioned she supported you through your times of difficulties.
She just started in her current employment half a year ago…was it because she was retrenched or company closed down? Is that the reason why she is now working so hard to make sure she doesn’t lose her job again? (we do not have enough info to make a conclusion on that) So far we only heard your side of the story…we haven’t heard hers!
If you are very well off and have no financial liabilities then I can say why does she needs to work so hard? But if not and have mortgage to pay, perhaps a car loan to service…than we can’t blame her for feeling financially insecure, especially if you had lost your job before! Current times ARE bad…VERY bad and will get worst…If you don’t have savings to last you a year if unemployed…then I would say she is alot smarter than you.
You want a kid for whatever reasons…have you examine the reasons why she doesn’t? Has she a deep seated fear of pregnancy or childbirth? Does she feels that financially you both can’t afford to have a child now? You know medical expenses for pre and post natal care can go into the thousands $$$ if there are complications. Earn enough for maid, childcare, child education….
For 8 years your wife has given up her social life for you (you must be the jealous domineering type of guy) and she has suddenly waken up to her boring life and trying to look up her past friends…nothing wrong with that! Even if you love each other very much you are both human and individuals and need the space to socialize… we are not living in the dark ages and you are not an extremist muslim I hope!
Finally you are still having sex with her and could still kiss and fondle even after she moved out? Are you blind as well as stupid? Any woman who is already in love with another man or wants a divorce would not touch you with even a pole! If you do not love your wife anymore and has someone at the side…would you still want to kiss her?
Frankly I say she JUST WANT YOU TO WAKE UP and don’t take her for granted. Rekindle your courtship days, romance her, excite her, promise her you will take responsibility financially and not make her worry about future insecurity. Go improve yourself, take up courses, etc, be more ambitious!
Trust her and be very ashamed of yourself for coming here thinking the worst of her!
Bro
Feel so sorry for you. you are tired and everyday thinking about yr wife wanted out. I suggest you take a break go for some holiday aboard with some fren to reduce the stress build up. give her some space alone when you are not around.
You take care
axor